By Tina Gilbertson, MA, Self-Esteem Topic Expert Contributor

Click here to contact Tina and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

There are differences in the way people approach personal standards, and some of these have to do with self-esteem.

People with high self-esteem tend to have high yet realistic expectations of themselves; they’re not afraid to aim for a star and put in the work to get there. On the other hand, those with injured (i.e., low) self-esteem have a tendency to live with either unrealistically high or unnecessarily low standards. They are often perfectionists or underachievers … or both!

Neither the high nor the low self-esteem folks consistently meet their own standards. After all, we’re talking about human beings, not robots. But what happens when standards are not met constitutes another difference between high and low self-esteem. Read the rest of this entry

By Mitchell Milch, LCSW

Click here to contact Mitchell and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

If I’ve witnessed it once I’ve witnessed it a few hundred times during my years counseling couples. One partner reacts as if his self worth has been decimated by words or actions originating from his partner. The curious and perplexing aspect of observing this process unfold, relates to specific instances when from my perspective evidence of anything that smacks of criticism or judgment is as detectable as an evaporated water spot on a shirt.

This brief article discusses the imperceptible shifts that can take place between partners that explain how one partner ceases to use and value his autonomous self to relate to and process his partner’s communications and then, blames the partner for feeling useless and worthless when an emotional crisis is precipitated. Such a crisis is borne of disappointed expectations shaped by lessons learned at the knee of caregivers that have curiously stood the test of time despite being invalid and unreliable. To illustrate this theme I offer a clinical illustration. The spouses are composites of patients I have worked with over the years. Read the rest of this entry

By Tina Gilbertson, MA, Self-Esteem Topic Expert Contributor

Click here to contact Tina and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

“I am a rock, I am an island,” sang Simon & Garfunkle. “And a rock feels no pain / And an island never cries.”

Many people believe that having healthy self-esteem means you don’t need anyone else’s approval, that your own good opinion of yourself replaces any concern for what others think of you.

The fact is, regardless of our baseline level of self-esteem, we do care what other people think. And it’s a good thing, too; we’re social animals. We’re not rocks or islands but people living among a diverse population of other people. To truly not care what others think is to be in trouble socially. Read the rest of this entry

A GoodTherapy.org News Headline

Those who experience visible skin lesions and irritations due to the skin condition psoriasis are often faced with negative reactions from others, as the appearance of the dermatological issue can be surprising and unusual. Though people with psoriasis often exhibit symptoms of insecurity or concern over their appearance, a study recently performed at the University of Manchester suggests that those with the skin condition may adapt to negative social reactions by registering them in a much more shallow way than those without psoriasis. The researchers, who used MRI brain imaging to examine how the brain handled images of disgusted faces in test and control groups, may help explain how the mind overcomes some psychological difficulties.

© Copyright 2009 by http://www.GoodTherapy.org Therapist Staten Island Bureau - All Rights Reserved.

Alissa Sige Weisman, MFTi

There is someone I would like to introduce to you. Meet Your Shadow. Your Shadow is all the parts of yourself that you don’t like. It is the darker, repressed, and denied aspects of your being as well as the light. Your Shadow was formed when you banished these parts of yourself from your conscious awareness in order to be accepted and liked.

Like Yin and Yang, your darkness, or your unconscious, negative self-image and your light, your conscious, positive self-image, are complementary opposites that comprise aspects of your whole being. When you only identify with your positive self-image, you live a lopsided existence because you deny your hidden other half. Conversely, when you face and embrace your shadier aspects, you bring your life into balance by giving your whole being permission to exist.

According to Jung, who introduced the Shadow to the field of psychology, the psyche is always striving towards wholeness. Whether you are conscious of it or not, your Shadow is always showing you your forgotten parts to help you remember who you are. As the saying goes, “If you spot it, then you got it.” Think of someone you encountered recently who triggered a strong emotional response in you. What characteristics did you find so repulsive about that person? There’s a good chance that the very qualities you despise in others are the exact opposite of what you believe is true about yourself. You can continue to unconsciously project your disowned negative aspects onto the people around you, believing, “I am NOT like you”. Or you can welcome this person as a messenger who has come to remind you of who you are. Instead, you may ask yourself, “How AM I like you?” The first response likely breeds hatred, suffering and isolation. The second response may offer you an experience of deeper connection and self-awareness. What to do you choose? Read the rest of this entry

A GoodTherapy.org News Headline

Self help books have made a range of positive, affirmative phrases fairly popular, ranging from aspects about the self to actualization slogans and other words meant to empower and encourage. But a study recently published in Psychological Science suggests that repeating such phrases as an exercise may actually do more harm than good for people with low self esteem. The study strengthens the idea that professional, individualized counseling and psychotherapy services are likely more effective options for those with low self-esteem and related psychological and emotional issues.

© Copyright 2009 by http://www.GoodTherapy.org Therapist Beverly Hills Bureau - All Rights Reserved.

A GoodTherapy.org News Update Presented by Jolyn Wells-Moran, PhD, MSW

Teenagers who are overweight, or believe they are, appear to be at higher risk of suicide, according to a new study published online in the Journal of Adolescent Health. This was found to be the same for girls and boys.

While the research results certainly can’t be said to be reliably predictive of any one teenager’s suicide risk, the study does help to support the view that teenagers with real or perceived weight problems should be particularly assessed for depression and suicidal thoughts – and that all teens should ideally be screened. Teenagers with depression and/or suicidal thoughts should then be referred for psychotherapy geared to these issues, and medically evaluated for possibly discernible physiological causes and treatments. The study included 14,000 US high school students, their body mass indexes (BMI) and beliefs concerning whether of not they are overweight, along with the rate of suicide attempts within the group. The analyses controlled for demographics and possible confounding variables.

Monica Swahn, an associate dean for research at the College of Health and Human Sciences and an associate professor in the Institute of Public Health at Georgia State University was the lead researcher. “We cannot only focus prevention strategies on those who are overweight and who are concerned about their weight, but we also need to include youth who feel that they are overweight even though they may not be,” Swahn said in a news release. Read the rest of this entry

A GoodTherapy.org News Update

It’s difficult to escape; turn on the radio or the television, peruse a newspaper or listen in on a coffee shop conversation and you’re likely to hear about financial trials and tribulations. A steadily growing concern in the wake of one of the gloomiest economic climates of our time, money is a major cause for stress in any period. Able to wreak havoc on our relationships, and to cause significant setbacks in our understanding of self-worth, money can be a nightmare when we’re going through a difficult financial cycle. Recognizing the urgency of this issue for millions of people across America and throughout the world, not to mention the therapists working to help cushion the blow and create positive change, many psychologists and mental health workers are exploring the relationship between “self worth” and “net worth.”

The somewhat novel idea is that anxieties over money problems are more often linked to the imagination rather than any straightforward interaction with reality. Fears about how bad things could possibly get –including having no way to care for one’s family or oneself– tend to dominate the subconscious during financially straining times. But while we can subject ourselves to fairly harsh treatment in the worry department, the good news is that thinking psychodynamically about these issues, examining past events and ideas that inform current behaviors surrounding money, along with a little fiscal organization can bring a world of relief, even when the money’s tight. Read the rest of this entry

© Copyright 2009 by http://www.GoodTherapy.org Therapist Pasadena Bureau - All Rights Reserved.

By Barbi Pecenco Kolski, MA

Click here to contact Barbi and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

My major task as a couples therapist is to help establish emotional safety in the relationships of my clients. A brilliant couples therapist named Don Catherall, creator of the Emotional Safety Model, helped me see that emotional safety has to do with three things. First is the belief that your partner accepts you and trusts you and that you accept and trust your partner (I am OK and my partner is OK). The more accepted and valued by your partner you feel, the more you are in the safe zone emotionally because your sense of self is intact. However, if you feel that your partner believes something negative about you, your sense of self may suffer and you will feel emotionally unsafe. The same goes for your partner. If you think something negative about him or her, their self-esteem will likely suffer as well and they will feel emotionally unsafe with you.

The second thing you need is good self-esteem (I am OK). If you feel that you are lovable and adequate, your self-esteem will generally be pretty high and you will feel entitled to receiving love and care in your relationship. If you don’t feel good about yourself you will be wondering how your partner could possibly care about you. Both you and the relationship will feel insecure, which will lead to you feeling emotionally unsafe a majority of the time, which contributes to a lot of arguments and/or a lack of intimacy. Read the rest of this entry

by Jeanine Austin, Ph.D.

“Big ego is lack of trust in your own soul.” ~ Lauren Brownell (Vermont Artist)

We all know exactly what people mean when they describe someone as having a big ego. They are describing someone who is very self-referenced and self centered, often with mind-bending hubris, and perhaps someone who thinks we should worship gratefully at their feet. For some of us, a big ego may call to mind the “big ego anthem” You’re so Vain by Carly Simon. (On an ironic note-it was rumored to be written about Warren Beatty who I happened to say hello to last Saturday. He was warm and friendly. No trace of ego!).

When we talk about this type of ego, we aren’t using Sigmund Freud’s definition of the ego. In his seminal work, he defined three aspects of the self: the ego (the core self), the superego (the conscience) and the id (the primitive and impulsive self). In our current vernacular, we talk about a big ego in the way that A Course in Miracles describes the ego. In Marianne Williamson’s classic A Return to Love, she writes, “In Course terminology, our entire network of fearful perceptions, all stemming from the first false belief in our separation from God and one another, is called the ego. The word is used differently here than the way in which it is often used in modern psychology. It is being used as the ancient Greeks used it-as the notion of the small, separated self.”

When anyone is running around with a big ego, we can be assured that the person is operating from fear. Read the rest of this entry