Category: Relationships & Marriage
The Good Therapy Blog
July 6th, 2010 |
Most of the couples who walk into my office are monogamous, or at least aspire to have a one-on-one relationship. But some people believe that wedding vows or other exclusive agreements heap a host of unrealistic expectations on marriage. “Open marriage” has become a term of the past - now such people usually refer to their preference for “polyamory,” meaning “many loves.” Coined in the early 1990’s, “polyamory”, or “poly” for short, provides a way for those who choose to have more than one lover to identify their life-style. This may seem a long way from most people’s lives,... Read More
June 29th, 2010 |
Give up contention:
This is called finding the unity of life.
~ Lao Tse
As human beings we hurt one another. We make mistakes. Because of unskillful thoughts, speech and actions, we do harm to others and ourselves. Yet, without reconciliation we only deepen the harm and increase our suffering. This aspect of suffering pierces the heart. The primal mystery of being human relates to the heart and to a state of unknowing which can paradoxically be penetrated through vulnerability.
“Interbeing,” a term coined by Thich Nhat Hanh, the Vietnamese monk who has been deeply engaged in bringing... Read More
June 23rd, 2010 |
Are you tired of intense and destructive marital arguing and want it to stop? Do you need some space to think about things more clearly? Are you thinking about a separation but are not sure how to pull it off without making things worse? Do you feel like you just need a break from all the tension?
It might be time to separate—either formally, legally, or “in-house.” In an effort to save a troubled marriage, a separation can be useful if done with agreement between both spouses and a high degree of respect (even when you are angry). A separation does not signify that a divorce is inevitable.... Read More
June 18th, 2010 |
For years in our culture, most of us have defined family in a particular way. We assume that when we say “family” we mean a group of people who are related by birth, adoption, and marriage. And when we say marriage, we have pictured the promised relationships between men and women.
But meanings around American marriage and family are changing. Gays and lesbians have won the right to marry in five states, with number six, California, embroiled in legal battle over the reversal of the 2008 state law allowing homosexual marriages. While many of us keep our eye on the legal and religious debates... Read More
June 9th, 2010 |
You are out at a bar and you met someone who is attractive, seems interesting and interested in you. He asks you for your number and you offer it up freely.
The next day you get a call from him and you decide to have coffee that evening. Coffee goes so well it stretches out into dinner and then a late night drink. Maybe you go home together and the next morning feel that wonderful afterglow and the feeling in your heart that this could be the one.
You begin to string together images of moving in together, buying a house, getting some pets, and traveling all over the world together as a... Read More
June 4th, 2010 |
Many couples spend more time preparing for their wedding, than for their marriage. A lot of excitement, expectation, and work goes into the creation of a wedding and couples can find themselves waking up inside a marriage lost in a kind of post-party depression not knowing how to proceed. Some couples may not even be sure how they got there. The marriage ceremony, when created and experienced consciously, is a sacred vessel that helps two people cross the threshold into their sacred union. The true power of a wedding arises from gathering family and friends who then bear witness while two people... Read More
June 3rd, 2010 |
When people say, "We have a great relationship,” what they're talking about is how they feel when they talk with each other. They mean, “I feel positive toward that person when we interact. I send and I receive positive vibes with them."
A great relationship means good communication also in the sense that when differences arise, the partners can talk through their dilemma cooperatively. Differences don't become barriers—they become opportunities to find win-win understandings and solutions. Read More
May 25th, 2010 |
For those of you in relationship, think back to the time when you first met your partner. You see him/her across the room, and something inside you says, she/he is the one. There is a sense of excitement and passion in you. You eventually meet and start dating. You just cannot get enough of this person and you find yourself thinking about him/her all the time. Eventually you start having sex and its passionate and really hot. Eventually you become a committed couple (for some couples it may even lead to engagement and marriage). Two years pass and one day you roll over, look at your partner and... Read More
May 21st, 2010 |
Life can be lonely when it's a story of just one person. With two, there's a sense of completeness.
So what does a partner in marriage bring? A partner means there's someone to share all aspects of the business of living--someone to help with earning a living, cleaning the house, cooking meals, and raising children. Marriage partnership can bring you a perpetual playmate, a pal to do things with, a sexual partner, and a partner at social events. Creating children especially takes the two of you. During difficult times a partner is there to help when you're ill, and to talk over situations... Read More
May 19th, 2010 |
For thousands of years, people have expected their children to marry within their family faith and culture. Family life, in its largest sense, is easier this way. Marriage partners are easier to find among shared communities like synagogues, mosques, parochial schools or parishes; families know more about each other and often form smoother in-law relationships. Religious rituals bind partners to preceding generations as well as to their future children and to one another. All the thousand small, nearly invisible connections shared faith creates helps to enable more stable marriages and thicker,... Read More
May 19th, 2010 |
Unemployment is a downright monster. Most often, we see a lot of support for the unemployed person - building the resume, interviewing, networking, staying busy and being positive. I certainly hope and pray that our economy improves soon and each unemployed person finds work that is fulfilling in both meaning and income.
But how about support for the partners of unemployed people? Ms. Y*, for instance, came in the other day saying, Read More
May 18th, 2010 |
An Internal Family Systems Perspective
Lots of people hope for compromise in their relationship...
“I’m a vegetarian and I hope my meat-eating husband can compromise.”
“I like to save – I hope my fun-loving wife will compromise.”
“He wants more sex than I do – I hope we can compromise.”
Compromise is great when it happens – there is an easy flow, and both partners feel happy with the results. Nobody feels like they are losing, like they are being taken advantage of, or that their needs don’t matter. It doesn’t even feel like compromising – it’s just being... Read More
May 12th, 2010 |
Do you have issues with your partner or do you have trouble getting your partner to listen to your concerns? If you feel like you are spending a lot of time nagging, you might consider this question: Do I have an issue with my partner or do I have an unmet need? The first part of this question has to do with what your partner is doing; the second part has to do with you. In my work as a couple’s therapist over the last 20 years, this question has become important in helping couples understand each other and resolve issues.
Consider Fiona and Carter. Carter never hangs up the towels he uses... Read More
April 30th, 2010 |
The single most consistent cause that brings couples into my office for counseling is that their communication has broken down and they are caught in a cycle of arguing and bitterness that is steadily wearing away the stability of their connection. In this article, I want to look at the dynamics of healthy communication and offer some guidelines for finding your way to mutual understanding.
There are two levels in any communication: content and process. Content relates to what is being said, and Process refers to how it is being said and includes nonverbal elements of the exchange. Often these... Read More
