Click here to contact John and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Take a look at any magazine targeting the gay male market and what will you find on the cover? You will find eternally youthful sultry men with perfectly sculpted, hairless bodies who owe as much to the industry’s photo retouchers as they do to their personal trainers. Looking at these glaring moody images, it seems that these models’ only care is to remind you how unattainable they are. Turn the pages and look deeper into those magazines and you will find page after page of the same, from the ads to the editorial, it is easy to see how what is referred to as mainstream gay culture is obsessed with youth. The message is that in order to take your much-coveted place in the heart of the gay scene, you should be hot, you should be fit, but most of all, you must be young. This is what you should aspire to. Deviation is not encouraged.

This isn’t such a big deal when you’re twenty-something with hormones raging and the right combination of hair products and distressed denim are all you need to get by. But what happens when that armor of youth begins to fade? Aging is unavoidable. But for many gay men, the transition is not a graceful one. Difficulty facing the reality of aging is nothing new. All one has to do is look at the nipped, tucked, sucked, and stretched faces in Hollywood to know that the fight against the passing years is an age-old battle… literally. But gay male culture seems to have taken an even more extreme stand against aging.

For many, aging brings with it a fear of no longer being relevant or noticed. But in the gay scene, those who are perceived as “old” are not just marginalized, they are often met with contempt, disgust and disdain. For those on the outside, it seems like a disproportionate reaction but from the moment you enter the urban gay scene, you are automatically initiated into a culture where there is no worse fate in the world than to be that guy who is just a bit too old to be at the club, just a bit too old to be giving the eye to the young boys who are entitled to be there because they still wear the mantle of youth. The label of “troll”, given to those poor souls who, in the eyes of the gay scene gods, have overstayed their welcome at the party, reflects the cruelty and force with which they are looked down upon. Of Course, this is a cannibalistic culture because sooner or later those same boys who snarl and sneer at that guy will inevitably join him one day in exile. This harsh cycle breeds an array of emotional challenges to the mental well-being of those who get caught up in it. It is not easy to be told that you no longer have a place in what you thought was your own community, that you have been relegated to the sidelines.

The negativity that can arise from being ostracized from the community that assisted you in defining your gay identity can feed thoughts of depression, despair, and self-loathing. It can be challenging to feel good about yourself when the message from the culture you identify with worships transient qualities that you can only ever hold onto for a brief time. It is a cruel irony after going through the trauma of coming out, fighting through the bigotry faced by most gay adolescents, and meeting the challenges inherent in being part of a marginalized minority that the final blow would come from within, from the very people who should be embracing and protecting you.

If you can’t stop the aging process, although many people try, then you have to learn to come to terms with it and create a new identity. You can focus on the positive attributes you have developed over the years and learn to accept the wisdom you have attained from the experiences of your life. As Kathy Bates character says in the movie Fried Green Tomatoes when faced with the hubris of youth “Face it girls, I’m older and I have more insurance.” The establishment and connection to a network of friends and reaching out into the community beyond the scene can relieve loneliness and depression. Finding personal passions and interests can relieve isolation and create the space for new friendships to develop as well.

We have the choice as a gay community to learn to value and honor age. There is choice for each and every gay man as he ages not to hide away from the process of aging but to embrace it and learn the lessons that are offered along the way. The real act of growing up, not necessarily growing old, occurs when one realizes that his true value does not lie in his list of tricks, his designer wardrobe or his ability to turn heads as he struts through a bar. It occurs when he realizes that his value lies in his capacity to give and share and nurture, in whatever form that may take.

The fear of aging can cause more chaos than the actual process of aging itself. Letting go of an unreasonable desire to remain young will allow you to ease into a more mature version of yourself, giving you an entirely unique set of opportunities to grow and learn. Releasing the fear of what might happen and instead embracing the exciting process that life has to offer allows you to discover entirely new facets of yourself, facets that you can shape and polish into our own ideal world.

If wine grows better with age, so can gay men. You can find comfort in the camaraderie of friends who are aging along with you. You can make the transition from being a slave to the latest Gaultier mesh hot pants and instead, show that you are a timeless classic like Valentino.

©Copyright 2010 by John Sovec, LMFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact John and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Jimmy and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Joe is furious with his workmate but won’t risk talking to him about it. It’s easier to just grin and bear it. Denise sees the unhappiness in her partner, Beth’s face every day when she comes home from work, but doesn’t want to deal with it for fear of losing the relationship and everything that comes with it. Kevin disapproves of the “party” lifestyle he finds himself in, but doesn’t want his new friends to view him poorly.

For many, as gay men and women, keeping secrets is a way of life – a survival tool used early on as a way of protection with families, friends and careers or when the possibility of disapproval was unbearable. For some, wearing the mask of “what I think others want me to be” was thrown in the trash as coming out and self-acceptance occurred, while others continue to use it as a “go-to” in their coping survival kit.

I often wonder if because we learned to use this device as a way of protection and survival, we continue to rely on it when would be just as easy to tell the truth? Have we unconsciously allowed keeping secrets, withholding information, and telling lies into the safe parts of our lives simply because it’s familiar?

I want you to understand my belief is not that our community is a group of liars – nothing could be further from the truth. It is truth and a need for authenticity that gives us the strength and motivation to be out. It takes courage and a desire to be honest with oneself and the world to let the world see you honestly and openly.

Let me explain what I am talking about… How many times have you told a “little white lie” about being late to an appointment when telling the truth would be just as easy? Have you ever withheld or embellished a story when the truth would suffice? How about creating an excuse when a simple “no” would be enough?

As humans, we struggle to establish and position ourselves in the hierarchy of our world. Once there, we don’t want to lose it. It can be incredibly difficult to break out of an established niche, to free ourselves of “what others will think” if we begin to stop conforming to what others expect of us. There are times when our values and ideals may go against the majority, which can threaten our place in the pecking order, even if the majority idea is not authentic or true for us. As we grow and change, so do our truths, authenticity and awareness.

In the 1960’s, Abraham Maslow, a humanistic psychologist, studied the basic needs of man and was able to maintain we will not move to a deeper level of satisfaction unless basic needs are met. He also concluded the happiest people are those more in touch with their inner selves. In other words, the happiest people are the ones who accept themselves. In accepting self, truth becomes a part that authenticity.

More recently, Professor Steve Cole of the University of California in Los Angeles studied 200 gay men over a period of five years and found the incidence of cancer and other diseases was three times higher among those who hid their sexuality. (Ode Magazine, Dec 2008). I understand that the process of coming out is personal and belongs to the individual, but this tells me not only do our emotional selves benefit from the truth; our physical bodies do, as well.

Whether the truth is as simple as claiming our humanness in making a mistake, speaking up to address a problem, or standing up for what we believe to be best for us, taking off the mask of deception and silence and replacing it with a commitment to truth and authenticity will ultimately increase our happiness and physical health. Honest!

©Copyright 2010 by Jimmy G. Owen, M.S., L.P.C.. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Jimmy and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact John and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Remember back when you were in High School and the time came when your schedule would finally include that intriguing and informative health class, the one that your parents had to sign a special release waiver for you to attend? You know the one, the Sex Ed. class. This class is generally a source of mingled nervousness, embarrassment and curiosity, a combination of emotions most often expressed through much giggling, blushing and teasing.

So imagine what it might be like experiencing this class as a gay teen who may not be open or even understand about their sexuality yet. Imagine what it must be like to be confused and scared because your own natural feelings are pointing you in a direction that is different from those around you. The information provided in the vast majority of sex education lessons makes no mention of sex with someone of the same gender. Usually, the only time the subject of same-sex relations comes up is during discussions of STDs and AIDS.

If you’re reading this article, you may already know or be wondering whether your teen is gay. You’re probably already going through some of the anxiety, stress and confusion that goes along with raising a teen who is facing questions about their sexual identity. You may also be questioning yourself as a parent, wondering what you did to cause this and having doubts about how to express your needs and feelings to your teen and other family members.

This is the same stress and confusion that gay teens face as they begin to explore their sexual identity. Imagine how disturbing it must be to find yourself as a gay teen in an environment where you expect to be taught about what your feelings mean and the mechanics of expressing them, but instead you are taught only that what comes naturally to you will probably lead to you dying of a terrible disease. Couple that with the general fear of being discovered and the discomfort of not fitting in that gay teens routinely experience and you’ve got a pretty toxic recipe.

The education that gay adolescents receive in school about sexuality is often strongly biased toward the model of heterosexuality, making that the norm, while excluding or marginalizing knowledge about any other type of sexuality. Our current education system is structured to assume that there are no gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender teenagers in sex education classes and only straight sexual issues and development are discussed. And to a gay teen it may feel that even the most well meaning and sensitive teachers include a subtle level of negative connotation when homosexuality is included in the school sexual education curriculum.

For most gay youth, this lack of openness and information about same-sex sexual behavior creates huge pressure for them to fit into the norm and hide their curiosity and natural urges. This inclination toward hiding is pervasive in most school systems because there is a lack of recognition of the needs of gay teens, whether they are in the process of coming out or not. Parents, family members, teachers and even friends often make gay teens feel out of place and uncomfortable with new feelings that are awakening toward members of the same sex.

Teachers and other adult role models in the school environment have a captive audience among their students in which many openly express their own issues of prejudice towards homosexuality, becoming part of a system that contributes to feelings of shame, vulnerability, self-hate and even panic among adolescents who are struggling with emerging feelings of attraction to members of the same sex. The biases, both subtle and overt, of these adults that teens look to for guidance can block access to the acceptance that gay youth are seeking and can prevent an open dialogue about issues of sexuality and identity.

Many gay teens find that they are not ready to face the challenges that are associated with recognizing themselves as part of a stigmatized population. There is an abundance of role models for heterosexual adolescents to emulate as they develop their interactive skills, dating rituals and other social constructs, while gay youth often find themselves excluded. The development of their gay social and sexual identity is rarely modeled or perceived as a healthy or normal experience, a fact that can lead to the development of unhealthy or even unsafe practices.

This is where brave parents and teachers can step in and make a difference. For gay teens, having a safe place to explore their identity and normalize their feelings can create a foundation for long-term self-esteem and self-acceptance. Access to a positive environment to explore can alter their feeling of being an outsider, encouraging feelings of belonging and social support that can make a challenging journey easier.

It is also important for parents and other family members to have a safe place where they can express their emotions and confusion as well. This safe place can be found with a well trained therapist who can make sure that all voices are heard in a safe protected environment. Family members are a vital facet of the coming out process and often have to deal with their own tumultuous emotional rollercoaster as the image of the family alters and a new vision must be created.

By creating a community of acceptance and understanding, we provide safe havens where gay adolescents and their families can engage to practice social skills and interactions, learn more about emerging sexual identities, and find information about the boundaries of safe sexual practices. When we discuss these concerns and experiences openly in a safe non-judgmental environment, opportunities for self-knowledge and shared learning take place. Making information and acceptance available for gay youth and their families can create an affirmative environment that leads to a more positive self-image and healthier choices and sexual practices.

A therapist who specializes in working with gay teens and their families can assist everyone in understanding the process of coming out and how it influences all members of the family. Because most parents are heterosexual, raising a gay teen can be daunting. Parents are often as confused and hungry for information as their teen. As a family, it is important to create a supportive environment for your gay or lesbian teen to speak about what’s going on with them. There also needs to be room for parents to express their feelings as well as a source of good information so that everyone’s needs are being heard and met. It can be challenging for the entire family to learn about this new identity and with the help of the right support system, including a qualified therapist, informed teachers and understanding family members all perspectives can be heard and respected.

©Copyright 2010 by John Sovec, LMFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact John and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Jimmy and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Whenever I am with a group of gay men, sex invariably becomes a topic of discussion. Often it is funny, sometimes sarcastic, biting and hurtful. However it appears, our culture, on the surface, has an ease about discussing sex in a way that I don’t encounter in heterosexual environments. I wonder what it is about our culture that makes this talk so easy, so expected… so normal? As a therapist, I am curious about where it comes from and how it affects us.

Sociologically speaking, if you look at the gay community as if it were an individual, we are a relatively young “out” person. Stonewall happened in 1969, which signified the first time we had the strength and visibility to be “out” and have a voice. That “out” voice is a mere 40 years old.

Additionally, many gay men do not come out during their physical adolescence. In typical adolescence, hormones, physical and emotional development collide at the same time. As a result of this, many adult men hit their “gay adolescence” later than their physical body.

Next, consider the most profound, wonderful, horrible, exciting, scary, “I can’t get enough!”, “Now, now, now!” aspects of adolescence… Sex, love, to be wanted, to be noticed, to feel special and, of course, immediate gratification.

So, I understand part of the sexual talk and behavior of our culture is about recovering a developmental piece we didn’t get to explore in an open “adolescent” way. The potential problem arises when adolescents don’t know how to grow up, get stuck in this stage of development and find themselves unable to move toward healthier adult attitudes about sex.

Consider the following as you look at your sexual development or question whether sex has too much of an emphasis in your life…

1. How much time do you spend thinking about sex, doing it, talking about it, looking for it? Are you attending to the doings of your everyday life, or is sex getting in your way?

2. Do you constantly look at the world through “sexual lenses” – sizing up everyone you see as a potential “yes” or “no”? Are you constantly on the prowl looking for your next conquest? Most people who identify themselves as sexual addicts will tell you it is “the chase” that is the high, not the sex.

3. If you continue to cross the line of your value system regarding sexual behavior, look at what is keeping you stuck. We all have a value system in place for acceptable sexual behavior. As a subculture, we are the only children that, mostly, don’t have parents that are like us (gay). So unless we have some healthy gay role models, we must create this value system on our own. A value system about sex can be fluid, depending on whether you are single, dating or coupled.

As you consider these questions, if you think you may need help, plenty of resources are available. There are support groups for sexual compulsivity/addiction and numerous books directed specifically to gay men and healthy sexual attitudes. Therapy is also helpful. You may need direction in exploring your behaviors, attitudes and value system about sex. My hope for you is to find a way to integrate sex with your adult world in a way that gives you long-term satisfaction and pleasure… but is not bound by your adolescent thinking.

©Copyright 2010 by Jimmy G. Owen, M.S., L.P.C.. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Jimmy and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact John and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

As an educator and an advocate in the HIV/AIDS community I am often asked “Is AIDS still with us?” This question usually arises after the latest television story or news report about the newest treatments for HIV positive people.

According to the Center for Disease Control, the answer to that question is yes; the disease is still with us with over one million reported cases of people living with HIV in the United States alone. Worldwide the numbers become more staggering with UNAIDS estimating over 31 million people who have contracted HIV.

For those of us who are involved in the HIV/AIDS community, it can be shocking to realize that there are those who might question whether HIV and AIDS are still an issue. But for many people who aren’t regularly exposed to people who are affected by the disease, their lack of awareness lies in the assumption that with the many new treatments and medications that have been developed, AIDS has been cured or at the very least turned into a manageable disease. There have been many news stories reporting the latest findings of ongoing studies that do not give the full picture. This news coverage often only gives the most sensational facts without including the sobering realities and still missing information on the disease.

A case in point is the use of current medications such as antiretroviral treatment protocols, which have helped many HIV positive people to live longer and healthier lives. Yet this is an expensive, lifelong regimen of daily medications that are often only covered under the very best forms of medical insurance.

For a large majority of HIV positive people who are either underinsured or without insurance at all, access to these groundbreaking medications can become a challenge. The recent huge cuts in government funding on both the Federal and State levels have compounded these difficulties. For the very poorest in the US there are waiting lists for access to medication and medical services.

Even those who have access to top line medical care have to contend with their own body’s reactions to the treatments and medications. HIV medications can be like a toxic brew, causing multiple levels of side effects that can be challenging for the person taking them. Sometimes dealing with the side effects of the medications becomes a full-time medical issue in and of itself. And these extremely toxic medications do not work for everyone.

With fewer people expressing concern about the continuing spread of HIV in America, this has lead to a decline in AIDS awareness prevention/education, with the result that HIV infection rates are once again on the rise. In the Kaiser Family Foundations 2009 Survey of Americans on HIV and Aids only 6 percent of those surveyed viewed HIV/AIDS as an urgent national health issue.

Messages of safe sex, abstinence, and regular condom usage are falling by the wayside as new infections hover around an annual rate of 55,000 people with people of color being the largest percentage of new infections.

So how does this information affect each of us in our day-to-day lives? It is important to remember that these are not just words, numbers and statistics. HIV/AIDS is a very real part of many people’s lives. People that you have met in your day who live and work in you community. There is no part of our population that is not somehow influenced by the AIDS epidemic. Take the time to inform yourself and learn more about the fact and truths of this disease through reliable resources such as the www.CDC.gov/hiv and www.TheBody.com.

©Copyright 2010 by John Sovec, LMFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact John and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Ellen and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Once upon a time, there was a certain clarity in the world of sexuality. Regardless of whether one believed a homosexual orientation was innate or a matter of choice, the sexual orientations were easily and clearly defined: Those who were attracted to, and had sex with, people of the opposite gender were heterosexual (straight), while homosexuals (gays and lesbians) were attracted to, and had sex with, people of the same gender. You knew who was who by the gender of the sexual partner.

As time went on, the waters became muddied a bit by acknowledgment of bisexuals and their ability to be attracted to, and have sex with, people of either gender. Initially, they were seen as immature or confused, either closeted gay people or curious straight people. But eventually we got our heads around bisexuality and, for the most part, accepted that it was a real sexual orientation, just like gay/lesbian and straight.

Still later, we made a place for love in all of this. What is still called “sexual” orientation was acknowledged to be not only about sex, but about emotional attachment as well. Having a homosexual orientation, then, came to mean being sexually and emotionally attracted to those of the same gender, although the emotional aspect of sexual orientation is commonly underplayed.

But then things became very confusing. In studying HIV transmission in the Black community, men “on the down low” came to light. These are men who identify as straight but secretly have sex with other men; when the sex was unsafe, this resulted in some Black women becoming infected with HIV. Men who have sex with men (MSM) aren’t limited to the Black community, and they violate the core underlying assumption of our model of sexuality: that sexual orientation is defined by sexual behavior. Since men having sex with men is incongruent with heterosexuality (unless the men are imprisoned), these men are commonly assumed to be gay (or bisexual) but either in denial or in the closet, or have compartmentalized sex completely in order to live with the dissonance of having same-gender sex but being straight. But MSM are not the only confusing phenomenon.

Once upon a time, the sexualities—heterosexual, homosexual, even bisexual—were categorical and mutually exclusive. Further, sexual attraction/desire, sexual behavior and sexual identity were assumed to be congruent: same-gender sexual attraction/behavior presupposed a gay or lesbian or bisexual identity, and other-gender sexual attraction/behavior assumed heterosexuality. But results of sexuality research over the last 20 years have turned our paradigm of sexuality on its head. What we’ve learned is that while these assumptions may be true for some, they are not true for all.

The truth is, Kinsey was right: sexuality not only exists on a continuum, some people may (and do) move on that continuum across the lifespan. The truth is, sexuality can be fluid, varying across time and situation. The truth is, sexual orientation appears to be comprised of many variables, not just sexual behavior. And the truth is, desire/behavior and orientation/identity do not always line up neatly. Some completely straight individuals have unexpectedly found themselves falling in love with, and being sexual with, those of the same gender, and some happily gay people have unexpectedly become partnered with those of the other gender. How could this happen? What does it mean?

Note that the research does not prove that sexuality is fluid, only that it can be. Studies have shown that sexual fluidity is not uncommon and is found more frequently in women than men, though it clearly exists in both. This does not mean that we all experience a degree of fluidity, nor that we are all really bisexual. Nor does it mean that coming out as gay or lesbian is reversible or a phase, that sexual orientations are a choice, or that non-heterosexual people can be guided to embrace heterosexuality. It simply means that while the majority of people experience a stable sexual orientation congruent with their sexual and romantic attractions and behavior, some of us do not.

When we work with clients of any sexual orientation, it is incumbent upon us to be up-to-date in our knowledge of sexuality. Rather than operating from outdated ideas, our work should be informed by current paradigms that assume that sexuality may be fluid, that desire/behavior and orientation/identity may not be congruent, and that conceptions of what constitutes “normal” sexuality have changed.

©Copyright 2008 by Ellen Schecter, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Ellen and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Denise and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

If hearing the term “mixed-orientation” marriage is unclear, let me begin by explaining. It isn’t about marriages of different races or religions, but about a marriage in which one person is gay, lesbian, or bisexual, and the other person is straight. In this article, I am referring specifically to gay/lesbian individuals who need to deny to themselves and/or others that this is their sexual orientation, and therefore don’t disclose to the straight partner. In other words, they enter the marriage as a “traditional” heterosexual couple, and their true sexual orientation remains “in the closet.” Research in the area of mixed-orientation marriages reveals that up to 2 million couples are in this situation (Amity Pierce Buxton), but statistics are increasing since more gay people in this type of marriage are coming out. When they do, the marriage often enters a crisis.

How is it that gay or lesbian individuals privately proceed to a traditional marriage? Much or most is due to family of origin history, childhood school systems, religious boundaries, and the culture at large. Societal homophobia can become internalized, causing schemas of shame, fears of rejection by parents and friends, concerns of disappointing family members or co-workers, identity confusion, and much, much more. However, denial of true sexual identity can create a lonely world full of hunger and isolation that stifles their need to live vibrantly alive. It usually creates intense internal conflict, especially if children are part of the family, because the gay spouse often wants to be part of both worlds.

This type of marriage typically operates underground until the gay/lesbian spouse either discloses his/her true sexual identity or is “outed.” Regardless, when the gay person “comes out,” the straight person usually falls “into the closet,” becoming isolated as s/he grapples with this news. Issues of trust, betrayal, shame, comfort, how or if to inform the children, whether to remain together or depart are all agonizing predicaments, often creating a bind for both partners. Joe Kort, a therapist who works with those in mixed-orientation marriages shares that “When a gay person comes out to his or her straight spouse, the couple is likely to embark on a roller-coaster ride of emotional stages that often encompass humiliation, revenge, renewed hope, rage, and finally, resolution. While each couple is unique, these stages can serve as a rough road map for therapists trying to help mixed-orientation couples make sense of their feelings, communicate honestly, and ultimately make informed, healthy decisions about their future.” Working through hurt and bitter feelings and arriving at a resolution is just as important as whether or not the marriage endures.

Therapists who encounter couples in mixed-orientation marriages will be most helpful if they are “culturally competent” regarding issues of homophobia, since fears of experiencing contempt or antipathy from society at large is a primary factor for the “hidden” gay/lesbian/bisexual individual, and likely for the straight spouse as well. The Straight Spouse Network is a general resource for couples in mixed-orientation marriages, but finding a therapist with knowledge and understanding of both partners’ struggle is essential.

©Copyright 2009 by Denise Humphrey, Ph.D.. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Denise and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

A University of Utah psychologist whose research has been cited by groups that identify homosexuality as a mental disorder and promote “reparative” therapy is defending her work and criticizing the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality for distorting her findings.

“If NARTH had read the study more carefully they would find that it is not supported by my data at all,” says Lisa Diamond of the University of Utah. “When people are motivated to twist something for political purposes, they’ll find a way to do it.” Diamond’s videotaped comments are available in full on the Internet.

A national group that advocates “treatment” of homosexuality, NARTH was founded by psychologist Joseph Nicolosi (author of “Healing Homosexuality” and “A Parent’s Guide to Preventing Homosexuality”) and is currently run by A. Dean Byrd, an adjunct professor at the University of Utah’s Department of Family and Preventive Medicine. Byrd has pointed to Diamond’s research as evidence that gays’ sexual orientation can be straightened out through treatment.

Byrd retorted, “NARTH’s view is that people can adapt any way they want and there is freedom of choice,” Byrd says. “If it says ‘fluidity’ it says ‘fluidity.’ How you interpret it is something else.”

But Diamond accuses NARTH of “cherry-picking” findings that may ostensibly appear to support their position. “You know exactly what you’re doing,” she says in the video. “It’s illegitimate and it’s irresponsible and you should stop doing it.”

NARTH’s past president, psychiatrist Charles Socarides (1922-2005), fought long against the American Psychiatric Association’s removal of homosexuality from its list of mental disorders in 1973.

The American Psychological Association also rejects so-called “reparative therapies” that attempt to convert gay men and women to exclusive heterosexuality. Its position is that, “there has been no scientifically adequate research to show that therapy aimed at changing sexual orientation is safe or effective. Furthermore…the promotion of change therapies reinforces stereotypes and contributes to a negative climate for lesbian, gay, and bisexual persons.”

Click here to contact Daniel and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile ©Copyright 2008 by GoodTherapy.org All Rights Reserved. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Daniel and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Patti and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org.

When to Seek Treatment

I recently received a call from a woman who was interested in couple therapy. She and her partner were planning a wedding and thought it would be a good idea to have pre-marital counseling “to iron out a few problems”. After a few months in treatment, they agreed that the work they accomplished benefited them as a couple and as individuals. They felt ready to begin the next chapter in their lives.

I offer this example because it is so different from what I usually see. In my work with couples I have found—whether they are lesbian, gay, or straight—that by the time the couple comes to treatment, they are unable to talk to each other without fighting. Communication has broken down and their relationship is tense, volatile, and destructive. It is rare for couples to reach out for treatment unless they are desperate and therapy becomes a last ditch effort before breaking up.

It is difficult to move forward in a relationship when anger and resentment have built up to the degree where there are few conflict-free areas of discussion. Of course, it would be much more effective to seek counseling before reaching this point.

When you and/or your partner notice that you are fighting about the same thing over and over again without reaching a resolution, you may want to seriously consider couple therapy. If you begin to disagree on even the most banal topics and tension underlies every interaction, seeing a professional to help you talk to each other can be a very good idea.

What to look for in a therapist

The most important qualities in a couple’s therapist are the ability to listen, empathize with, and help the members of the couple communicate their feelings and needs to each other. Unlike individual therapy, a couple therapist needs to set ground rules so that each person has time to speak without interruption. The therapist needs to be active and skilled to keep the treatment from dissolving into the same kind of communication the couple has at home. This can be enormously helpful for people who don’t feel heard or tend to suppress their own feelings to avoid conflict.

The issue of whether to see a lesbian/gay therapist is something for each couple to decide. There are many gay-affirmative therapists to choose from, but if it is important for you and your partner to work with a lesbian or gay male therapist, ask the therapist that question directly.

While many of the problematic dynamics that exist between lesbian and gay male couples are not significantly different from their heterosexual counterparts, the issues can be quite unique. A few of these are:

1. Effects of internal and external homophobia.
2. Adoption and insemination: children, in general, bring up a variety of issues heterosexual couples do not share.
3. Coming out: there are inherent problems when one person is not out and the relationship is kept secret.
4. Family issues: parents, children, extended family, family of choice.
5. Differences regarding sex-roles in gay vs. heterosexual couples.

How Couples Therapy Can Help

Often, couples come to treatment with the unspoken hope that therapy will change their partner and, when that happens, their problems will disappear. However, since the only person any of us can change is ourselves, the work of couple therapy is to recognize our own part in the dysfunctional communication and take steps to improve it.

One of the important goals of couple therapy is to improve communication. Often, one person is so focused on what to say next that hearing the other person becomes impossible. The argument becomes more about proving that person wrong, than empathizing with the feelings underneath the words.

Shaming, blaming and criticizing rarely bring the desired result. Instead, it can leave one or both partners feeling demeaned, angry, and hurt. Couples who use character assassination when they fight chip away at their partner’s trust and self-esteem. Over time, this will destroy the relationship. In treatment, the couple can gain the tools that will help them communicate productively. Each member can begin to take an honest look at what she/he does to perpetuate problems in communication

It is very human to become defensive when we are criticized. Our natural instinct is to either withdraw or attack and it isn’t easy to change what feels natural. Having a third person breaks this cycle. A professional can intervene when the communication becomes dysfunctional. She or he can facilitate productive communication and create a safer place in which to express feelings. By moving the focus away from “right” and “wrong” and back to the feelings underneath, the couple can gain the tools for effective communication. These tools will help build a stronger and healthier relationship.

Copyright 2007 Patti Geier, LCSW.  All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org

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