By Dana Vince, LMHC, Infidelity Topic Expert Contributor

Click here to contact Dana and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Where do you begin when you’ve just found out your spouse has had an affair? Or, what if you are the one who’s had the affair and your partner has just found out?

If you’ve just found out your partner has had an affair, be prepared for the roller coaster of emotions. It is not a time to make any permanent life-changing decisions. Here are some important things to consider:

• You do not have to know right now if you are going to stay or go. You are in crisis and may feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you. Give yourself time to make important decisions. Emotions are very raw right now so it’s okay to not know which direction to go yet. Read the rest of this entry

By Dana Vince, LMHC, Infidelity Topic Expert Contributor

Click here to contact Dana and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

One of the things I hear most from clients who have experienced infidelity is, “I never thought this would happen in our marriage.” It is not something any couple plans for or thinks will happen to them. But it can and does happen in marriage, but it can be avoided.

There are many reasons affairs happen, but typically it’s at the point when vulnerability meets opportunity. So first is to reduce vulnerability in your marriage. There are two major ways that I am going to talk about in this article. The first is taking care of your marriage, yourself and your spouse. The second is communication. If these two areas are prioritized in the marriage, you reduce your risk of infidelity. Read the rest of this entry

By Robert F Scuka, LCSW-C.

Infidelity is one of the most difficult challenges that any marriage or committed relationship can face. Infidelity is almost universally accompanied by a deep sense of betrayal and a profound loss of trust. The reason is that the one partner experiences the infidelity of the other partner to involve a violation of explicit agreements or implicit assumptions about the nature of the relationship, and a violation of what is regarded as acceptable and unacceptable behavior relative to preserving a sense of safety within and commitment to the relationship.

Infidelity can take many forms, and is not limited to sexual intercourse or other forms of sex. In addition to sexual infidelity, there is emotional infidelity and financial infidelity. Infidelity can also take place in person, by telephone, by email, or via the internet, including pornography.

Each form of infidelity involves secrecy and a desire to preserve secrecy. The reason is that the person engaged in the infidelity knows on some level that the other partner would not approve of what is being done and would feel betrayed. That is why the revelation of the infidelity is almost universally accompanied by a sense of shock, disbelief, anger and a loss of trust. Indeed, the discovery of infidelity often results in a trauma-like experience akin to an emotional tsunami.

These feelings are fostered not just by the sense of having being betrayed, but also by a sense of having been lied to. Such an experience typically calls into question the very foundations of the relationship and even the one person’s confidence about who the other partner really is as a person.

In order for there to be genuine healing in the relationship in the face of all these complex factors, it is vital that both partners openly address both the infidelity and other issues in the relationship. The failure to address the issues and heal the pain from the rupture to the relationship risks either an emotional disengagement and deadening within the relationship, or the eventual dissolution of the relationship.

Addressing the infidelity and other issues in the relationship must be done in a safe environment that permits openness, honesty, caring and compassion. From this vantage point, Relationship Enhancement Therapy for couples is an ideal form of treatment. Its emphasis on communicating skillfully, empathically connecting with the feelings, concerns and desires of the other partner, dialoguing in a highly structured format that preserves emotional safety, and managing potential conflict in a manner that also preserves emotional safety all help create the conditions conducive to the constructive engagement of these emotionally charged issues. As a result, Relationship Enhancement Therapy is very effective at facilitating genuine emotional healing.

I personally have worked with countless couples struggling with the trauma of infidelity. My commitment is to help couples recover from this trauma in a manner that permits them to rebuild their relationship on a solid foundation of honesty, transparency, empathy, trust, commitment, love, compassion and forgiveness.

©Copyright 2008 by Robert F Scuka, LCSW-C. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Robert and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Written by By Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

Among the worst experiences a lover or spouse can endure is discovering that their partner either is having or has had an affair.  The sense of betrayal is so powerful that one does not think it is possible to ever get over it…ever.  Someone who feels betrayed may experience a wide array of emotions ranging from deep sadness to severe depression to murderous rage, and everything in between.  There is no correct set of feelings appropriate to this universal experience.  The effects of an affair on a relationship can similarly range from total destruction to a desire to learn from the affair and work toward strengthening the relationship.  In the words of Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, an affair can either be “a death knell or a wake-up call.”

Frequently, patients may say to me that they are considering having an affair.  They may either have someone in mind, or they may be simply musing about the possibility.  Invariably, however, there is some underlying issue that is driving these thoughts. Why else would they be willing to violate their commitment vows for a one-night stand?  A one-night stand leaves the relationship altered in some way even if one is not caught.  It leaves the unfaithful partner living a lie that will affect the relationship.  I suggest that instead of acting on the fantasy, they discuss their discontent with their spouse, putting the issues on the table, and begin the process of working toward resolution before it is too late.   The fantasy, itself, can be a wake-up call, letting the partners know that all is not well on the home front.

When an affair has already been consummated, however, it is difficult to get through the pain and anguish of the betrayal to look at the nature of the relationship that may have set the stage for the affair.  All too often, this examination is experienced by the betrayed party as putting the responsibility on him or her rather than on the unfaithful partner.  Nonetheless, if a couple has decided that they want to remain together despite the affair, this examination becomes part of the healing process.

To be sure, it is much easier to turn one’s back on a relationship that has been damaged by an affair than to move toward getting beyond the pain to examine the relationship.  It takes consider-able courage and determination to rebuild trust, examine one’s own contribution to the state of the union, and to put in the required effort to make the relationship work.  Similarly, it takes great humility on the part of the unfaithful party to face his or her shortcomings, character failings, and fears to overcome the guilt for having inflicted such harm on one’s partner, and move for-ward to earn forgiveness. Read the rest of this entry