Click here to contact Lynne and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

The weather’s slowly warming across the country, and along with snow melt and longer days comes that familiar family travel time known as Spring Vacation. And though they may not be, as Charles Dickens’s wrote, “the best of times, the worst of times” in your family’s lives, travels together as a group can be some of the happiest as well as most stressful times you have together as a family.

Time away from our regular routines is essential for good mental health. We do tend to thrive with a healthy balance of the familiar and the different, and vacations are one way many of us create difference in our lives. We can put away the same responsibilities, schedules, foods, sights, people, and weather for something different, a change that can make for a sense of escape as well as renewal upon our return. When we travel with our families, we get a chance to make shared memories and then recall them again and again in the future. Many of us remember the time spent in the back seat of our family station wagons going somewhere together as hallmarks of our childhood.

But like everything else with our families, traveling together as companions is a mixed blessing. While we can anticipate one another’s reactions and find pleasure in those shared experiences and understandings, we also make instantaneous assumptions, judgments and responses to each other that can zap the joy out of the newness of travel. In other words, it can be great and awful at the same time! (Recall the Clark Griswold’s of the 1983 movie, “Vacation,” and you’ll instantly know what I mean).

So, before you come unglued in your rush to close the house and get on that plane for that long-awaited winter escape, consider a few things that may make for a more relaxed, pleasant and renewing family trip. If you have some more ideas to share, be sure to add your comment at the bottom of this post.

1. Stay Within the Budget

Nothing can kill the joy of a family trip than spending more than you can afford. No one wants to be paying off credit card travel expenses 11 months after that dream visit to Disneyworld. Do all you can to stay inside your planned budget, making room for the spontaneous and unexpected, and you will have a much less stressful time while vacationing, and particularly, upon return.

2. Prepare to Travel

Don’t wait until the night before you leave to know if you have enough cash, if you have or need your passport, if your favorite shorts still fit, if the car needs an oil change, or if you have renewed your daily prescriptions at the pharmacy. None of us needs the emotional turmoil of last-minute, rushed packing. It can take all the pleasure out of the first part of your vacation, and can really stall your trip through airport security!

3. Lower your Expectations

No destination is going to be as great as the travel brochure, the website, or your dreams set you up to expect. Even Hawaii has problems. Lower your expectations of your perfect honeymoon or family trip, and instead, ready yourself to be pleasantly surprised and flexible. More fun will be had by all!

4. Manage your Job

Most successful employers know that we are better at our jobs when we can leave them for awhile. While it’s tempting to stay connected via email, texts, photos or even phone calls to work, unplug from the people at work and turn toward the people you’re with. After all, it’s your family that will stick around long after that job is over. And if you are self-employed like I am, make a plan to limit the contact you need to have with your business and stick to your plan.

5. We Bring Ourselves with Us

Your son isn’t automatically going to be well behaved just because he’s visiting grandma, and your spouse isn’t miraculously going to be easy going, generous and relaxed just because you’re in a different place. Remember that while your family is pretty much the same wherever they go, so are you. Cut everyone a little slack.

6. Staying with Extended Family

Nothing says “emotional overload” like traveling with your family and staying with even more. Be sure to treat the family you visit with respect, do your share of the extra work you create, and make time to get out from under their feet, and you will probably be invited back!

7. Returning

Some of us appreciate more time at home before the rush back to the normal begins. I know I need time to get some of the laundry done, to make sure there’s enough milk in the refrigerator, and to sort the mail before I go back to work. Others don’t need much re-entry time, eking out as much vacation time as possible. Know your preferences and honor them. That way coming home will be as pleasant as possible.

And in all journeying, safe travels!

©Copyright 2010 by Lynne Silva-Breen, MDiv, MA, LMFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Lynne and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Laurel and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

I spoke to a friend the other day who, like many others, has been hit hard by the economic downturn. In spite of health problems and the great difficulties he is undergoing, he so badly wanted to offer the work he does (in the field of healing), that he conducted a workshop and donated all of the proceeds to the institution that allowed him to use their facilities. So it surprised him when, upon turning in the donations and asking for some reimbursement for some copies he had to make for the workshop (a paltry amount), that he was then told about others who used the facilities who were able to give more, and about how much it cost to keep the building he’d used up and running, even as his receipt was micro-analyzed and questioned. Although the workshop went wonderfully well and he made a sizable amount of money for the organization, he left feeling confused, inadequate and ashamed.

He told me that at first he felt defensive, wanting to explain his own situation and to somehow get the administrator to understand his position. The bad feelings lingered for a long time before he realized that the person scrutinizing his receipt, although always speaking in a “nice” tone of voice, had, very nicely, shamed him. Once he really tuned into this shame and was able to feel how much he had wanted to give, and how difficult it was for him to ask for reimbursement, he was able to feel his own pain, and extend compassion to himself. After this, he was then able to give the institution the benefit of the doubt. As a non-profit, he was certain it was also struggling, and that the person who had dealt the blow (although in a voice that made it difficult to for him to notice what was actually going on), was just trying to protect his own job and livelihood.

When I asked my friend how he managed to connect with his shameful feelings and extend compassion to them, he told me that two things helped. First, he talked over the situation with a loving friend, who understood him. Next, he took a walk in the nearby woods, which helped him soothe himself. While out in the woods, he reconnected with his original intention–how much he wanted to help and extend his healing practice to others. He realized how much we are all in distress right now, and he was able to sympathize with all of those who were undergoing financial distress, including the non-profit. He also became much more clear about how to set up such events in the future, and to take no one’s generosity for granted. He realized that he had believed, since he was being more generous than he really could afford to be, that others would know this and extend generosity to him–but he hadn’t stated this need in a clear way to anyone.

The difficult economy is creating a lot of contraction and tightness in many people right now. Many of us are feeling especially vulnerable and fragile right now, and often it’s difficult to tune into how we are tightening up and defending ourselves. I missed a ferry by a few seconds the other day, and realized how much I wanted to blame someone for not extending those few moments of generosity to me, as I was on foot, and would not have delayed the boat by much more than 10 seconds. My anger rose in a flash, and I mumbled some invective under my breath. And then, remembering my breath, I turned to look out at the nearby water and seabirds, tuned into the sensations in my body, and finally calmed down and experienced compassion for myself. My tightness made me think I was entitled to the ferry ride. My rush had created a sense of disturbance and urgency. In fact, I had not originally expected to make that ferry, and it was only when it became close and possible that it became a problem. My contraction probably had to do with unexpected cancellations and some bad news I’d received earlier in the day.

I don’t want to gloss over the difficulties anyone is having, or say that it’s a bad thing that I or my friend, were contracted, felt defensive, or indulged in angry feelings. This is normal, and it will continue to happen for the rest of our lives. Sometimes we will find some soothing in nature, and sometimes the feelings will just have to run their course. What my friend discovered, however, was how his sense of shame fueled his defenses, and caused them to linger for awhile. It was so difficult for him to feel the pain underneath the shame, and the sense of inadequacy, he spent quite a lot of time bolstering his defenses. I did the same thing with the ferry ride. When I was able to let go of my story about how I needed to make the ferry, I was able to feel the pain of not getting the extra hour or so with my family that I had so briefly hoped for. When my friend let go of his defenses, he was able to go deeply into the pain of his illness and financial crisis. We were able to slow down, feel, and only then could the letting go happen. In both of our situations, connection with breath and nature helped us make that critical connection to ourselves.

We hear a lot of talk about having compassion for others. Until we can connect with our own breath, and with something soothing, such as a tree, a garden or some other part of the green world, and give ourselves the comfort and compassion we so urgently need right now, we won’t have it to give to others. Our ability to connect with our own pain depends on getting past our stories and defenses that are so often caused by a sense of shame or failure or loss. And contact with nature, I find, is one of the best ways to start to connect with my body and feelings underneath the blame stories.

©Copyright 2010 by Laurel Vogel, M.A. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Laurel and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Lynn and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

The magical age thirty scares people. Women especially start hearing their biological clocks ticking louder and louder, the alarm goes off, and they get frantic about establishing family and career.

Men sometimes feel this urgency too, and men and women both need to put down roots about this time, or they may never, instead floating though life, head in the clouds, feet off the ground, then find out when it’s very late in the game that they are alone in space.

Wendy was 28 year old, at a turning point in her life. Would she ever get married and have children? What kind of life would she have, who would love her, and who would she love? Her career hadn’t progressed as well as she had imagined, not with the bankrupt economy. She did have a boyfriend though, but was he the right one?

Wendy thought about breaking up with Peter – a really nice guy but not quite ready to make a commitment. He loved her, he said, but he needed to stay free so he could “make the best choices for himself.” They had been dating for several years. Was it wise to ditch him? They had put in a lot of time together, and a lot of loving too. Would she ever find anyone else? Anyone better?

And what did he mean by “the best choices for himself?” She wanted him to make good choices, of course, but why wasn’t she included? Why didn’t he say “the best choices for us?”

Peter was smart, attractive, with many good qualities, but scared to be close. And he still wasn’t that clear about what he wanted to do when he grew up, either. He was like Peter Pan. Remember Peter Pan and Wendy? Peter Pan never grows up, but his friend Wendy does.

Peter and Wendy didn’t come to therapy for relationship counseling – they could have, but they decided to try a trial break-up instead. Statistically such trials end up permanent – no relationship. Wendy decided to work individually with a therapist, and discovered that it wasn’t only Peter who was scared to be close, she was too. She needs to “show up and grow up.” Maybe Peter will find other ways to speed growing up, or maybe he’ll start therapy.

Lots of people need help negotiating the space between twenty and thirty something – the choices that you make at this time in your life can have permanent, life altering consequences, and you should make them with all the heart, soul and brain power that you can muster. A therapist can’t make these choices for you, but can help you find the best ways to make them.

People can be so afraid of making mistakes, making the wrong choice, that they don’t make any choices at all – which is still a choice, but of an inferior variety. It’s just a passive going along with the flow. Polling your friends to see what they would do, waiting to see what happens, wanting the decisions to be out of your hands – it’s just too scary to make up your mind, but it’s your life, and only you can decide.

Sometimes the smarter you think you are, the harder it is to decide, to know what’s right for you, to look inside your deepest self and go with what you find- those treasures can be deeply hidden.

Wendy and Peter are both decent, smart, good people, but they were raised by demanding parents who insisted that they perform to certain standards to be acceptable. Wendy mainly knew how to please others. Peter was scared of being trapped in a relationship with no room for himself.

They were both stuck in the fear of making a mistake, which kept them from finding and being their true selves.

How can you find your true self?

There are many roads – individual or group therapy, creative arts therapy – but they all include a connection with a skilled therapist who is able to help you negotiate the give and take empathy and honesty that is the bedrock of deep connections.

Sometimes I recommend books that illustrate what I’m trying to say lots better than I can say it. Want to know what it’s like to grow up? Recently, Rafael Yglesias wrote a book, called A Happy Marriage, about his life with his beloved wife. They married when they were young, and they brought each other up; then she died. The book shines with honesty, love and tenderness. Read it.

©Copyright 2010 by Lynn Somerstein, PhD, RYT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Lynn and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Feeling down during the winter may be a fairly common experience, yet for many people, the experience is especially pronounced, seemingly uncontrollable, and potentially debilitating. Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, is a major concern among much of the world’s population that lives in areas receiving low levels of sunlight during the winter, and clients facing this challenge have traditionally had to choose between psychotherapy and medications, both of which may be effective yet may also be difficult to access. The easy access and simple format of light therapy for the treatment of SADhas been celebrated, and has also recently been gaining support and popularity among professionals and clients alike.

Consisting of a portable unit, light therapy can help some people affected by SAD avoid the impact of low sunlight levels on neurochemistry, and may also receive a boost from the positive aspects of the light itself, even in as little as three days. Of course, some clients report that simply spending time outside during the day –whether to take a walk or engage in another activity– can have the same benefits. But in areas where sunlight may be especially low, or for those on extremely busy schedules, personal light units may prove invaluable.

Further research into the capabilities of light therapy, especially in combination with psychotherapy or medications, is bound to help reveal still more effective ways in which clients can treat and ultimately overcome the symptoms of SAD. As professionals continue to help clients work through feelings of depression, lethargy, and hopelessness during the grayer months, winter may find itself more often appreciated for its beauty and wonder –and its potential to bring happiness and comfort to those previously plagued by winter doldrums.

Click here to contact Holly and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

The practice of Hypnotherapy is interactive and directly engages the client’s unconscious resources through verbal and non-verbal communication while the client is in the hypnotic state. Therapy done in this expanded state is greatly enhanced and supported because the client is able to access information, healing, creativity, memories and insight that is not normally available when in the waking conscious state.

By engaging a transpersonal or spiritual form of hypnotherapy, the client’s personal transformation can be supported even further. Invoking client’s higher Self (or higher power, or the Christ with in, or Buddha wisdom, or the Divine Self, called by many names) aligns clients in accessing profound states of consciousness similar to those experienced in deep meditation or in profound states of presence: states when the egoic or self- involved consciousness is transcended or simply out of the way. Healing and profound change can take place, often fairly effortlessly, through these transpersonal states of consciousness. Clients report that these expanded states of consciousness change them in lasting positive ways. Clients realize that, for instance, they have sadness, but are not the sadness. They can potentially experience themselves as spiritual in essence: as a spiritual being having a human experience.

In traditional talk therapy, the client works from the conscious egoic level most of the time, and in many ways she keeps reinforcing the stories, identifications and negative patterns around her difficulties by focusing on them and taking about them over and over again on a conscious level. In talking about the problems and feelings there is the hope that the client will have a spontaneous breakthrough of insight and change. In contrast, by dialoguing with the higher Self directly in a trance state, the hypnotherapist and client can elicit direction from the higher Self as to what focus and issues need to be addressed and guidance as to techniques and approaches to take. For instance, if a client comes into hypnotherapy wanting to release a symptom of claustrophobia, the therapist and client can, in trance, ask the higher Self what would be most effective focus and hypnotic approach in the session: inner child/inner family work, skill rehearsal, a childhood or past life regression, or processed that release anxiety. The session, therefore, is directly guided by the part of the client that already knows the cause of the fear and what the client needs to release it. The client’s wisest part is directing the therapy and helping both the client and hypnotherapist to give structure to the session and to support the step by step unfolding of the hypnosis process. The hypnotherapist helps the client to access her higher Self and supports her in cultivating ways to communicate and form an inner relationship with the higher Self so that it becomes a trusted and readily available resource not only in a hypnotic state, but in also daily life.

How will the client know when she has accessed this higher Self? The higher Self is loving, supportive, non-judgmental, offers gentle nudging, has the perspective of the big picture, is compassionate, and is focused on the good of all concerned. The higher Self may come in a visual form as an archetype, deity, symbol, or a representation as a self-actualized self. It could be perceived as an inner voice or telepathic communication. It could communicate through a knowing or body sensation. Every client has a unique experience of it. The higher Self is a direct link to an intuitive experience of the highest good and connection to the divine.

Working with a transpersonal form of hypnotherapy is often a mystical and spiritual practice for the client. She can learn to access and utilize expanded states of consciousness directly, at will, and for a variety of personal goals and purposes. The process of being in an expanded state is just as healing and significant in supporting change as is directing the state of consciousness towards a therapeutic personal goal or outcome. For the client in the hypnotic state, accessing awareness of the higher Self becomes a profound teacher of how our consciousness works to create our realities. These hypnotic states become vehicles through which we can re-create our realities. The practice of this form of hypnotherapy is a form of spiritual practice that puts us directly in touch with our spiritual nature and how our consciousness creates the forms and structures of our lives.

In hypnotically accessed transcendent states, you begin to have a new sense of self and a new way of relating to the challenges in your life. Through higher Self awareness and presence, you become dis-identified from your stories, negative patterns, and symptoms.

If you are interested in engaging in this transpersonal and spiritually focused form of hypnotherapy, interview a potential hypnotherapist to discover if the hypnotherapist invokes and works directly with the client’s higher Self as a co-therapist, resource, and inner guide for the client in the session. If so, you can be assured that the content of the focus of the hypnotherapy session will have absolute integrity and authenticity that comes from this wise and loving aspect of Self.

©Copyright 2010 by Holly Holmes-Meredith, D. Min., MFT, CCHT, Board Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Holly and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Zareen and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

I enjoy writing to myself. Sound strange? Initially, I chose not to share this information with anyone else because I thought people would be confused by this statement. However, ‘writing to myself’ is very helpful to work, relationships, and self-evolvement. I hope this technique is as beneficial to you as well.

‘Writing to myself’ is like having a conversation with yourself. It is intimately revealing and increases your present moment awareness. It is just as helpful as meditation, visualization, or yoga in relieving stress, understanding depression or deepening intimacy with your partner.

So, how can you learn to write to yourself?

All you need is fifteen minutes a day, a pen, pencil, or a crayon (whichever works best for you), and an intention to be honest, true, and nonjudgmental to the writing that emerges from within.

Your goals could include:

1. Losing weight
2. Managing stress.
3. Reducing symptoms of depression.
4. Starting a new business.

This method of journal therapy is most beneficial when you are feeling overwhelmed and/or when you are making an important decision.

So, how do you start? Try to prop a window to let in fresh air. Keep a pen and journal close to you. Make sure you feel calm and ready as you start this activity.

The first step in this activity is to realize that although you may hear several different voices in your head (e.g. the critic, the people-pleaser etc.) another voice exists in you that you can call your True self, Your guardian angel, the Higher self, etc.

So, the purpose is to assist you find this inner voice that knows peace and joy. This inner voice guides you in making choices that feel right for you (without fear).

The second step is to write a question on a piece of paper. Try to find a question that concerns you deeply and affects your current mental health.

For example:

Should I stay in this relationship?
What do I really want from this job?
What is my life’s purpose?
What is bothering me?
How can I forgive myself?

Once, you have found the perfect question, sit in silence. Close your eyes. Breathe deeply. Notice the thoughts ebb and flow in your mind. Continue to focus on your breath for five minutes. As you get calmer, notice how your thoughts slow down.

Then, start to write as if you were having a conversation with your True Self. A conversation might ensue as follows.

A. What is bothering me?
B. I don’t know. What do you think is bothering you?
A. I don’t know that’s why I am asking you?
B. Well, sit still for a moment.
A. How is that going to help?
B. Well, try it and see what happens.
A. I am not here to sit still. Solve my problem.
B. Sitting still is the answer.
A. How long do I have to sit still for?
B. A couple of minutes.
A. Okay. I am still. Now what?
B. Well, how do you feel?
A. Not as bothered as before.
B. Great. Do you have another question?

The first time you attempt this activity you may not hear your inner voice. But don’t give up. Keep writing. It takes time and patience to hear your True Self speaking to you. The more you intend on finding that voice, the more easily you will hear it. With practice, you will learn to speak from your True Self and all the other voices (the whiny child, the people-pleaser etc) will take a back seat.

Good luck!

©Copyright 2010 by Aqsa Zareen Farooqui, MS, LPC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Zareen and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Domestic violence and other forms of abuse and distress within romantic relationships affect people from all walks of life, yet such issues have received an increasingly large spotlight as some celebrity relationships are revealed to reflect common concerns. Recently, an editorial published in India has focused on the tendency of many women to stay in abusive relationships, and mental health experts in the region have counseled that concerns over personal welfare and basic needs along with potential self-esteem issues often lead to unfortunate relationship outcomes. Calling for more attention to the prevention and solution of prolonged abusive relationships, the professionals may find that heavy news coverage can help to prompt more effective community discussion.

Click here to contact Tina and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Low self-esteem can’t be hidden for long. It tends to show itself through thoughts, words and behavior.

Since some behaviors are simply learned, and may have little to do with one’s level of self-esteem, it’s best to look at the overall picture rather than focusing on just one piece of information.

With that in mind…

Here are some signs that, taken as part of a larger pattern, may be an indication of low self-esteem. Please note that this is not a comprehensive list.

1. Thinking, “Others treat me badly because I deserve it.”

Imagine the following scenarios:

• An acquaintance ends a conversation with you by walking away without saying goodbye.
• Someone who said they would call you, doesn’t.
• A coworker invites everyone in the office to a party, except you.

In each of these scenarios, the other person is being rude. If your tendency in these situations is to feel bad about yourself, that is a strong indicator of low self-esteem.

Practice focusing on the other person’s behavior, and trying to evaluate it objectively. Are they being appropriate? Kind? Reasonable?

2. Disliking people in general

Babies are born with a natural interest and trust in other people, and you were born that way, too. If you now feel like people are not your thing, it’s almost certainly because of painful experiences that taught you that other people can be mean and hurtful.

Even if you’re no longer in touch with the pain of the past, even if you don’t even remember those experiences, your sense of self and your sense of your own worth were undoubtedly shaped by the same experiences that created your dislike of people.

Unfortunately, dislike and distrust of people make it hard to cultivate the very experiences that would prove people to be better than you expect, perpetuating a vicious circle.

Pick someone in your life who feels safe enough, and try opening up a little more than you ordinarily would.

3. Over- or under-achievement

Over-achievement is an attempt to bolster low self-esteem with impressive deeds, when deep down inside you don’t feel like the person you are is “enough” to be acceptable to others. Only more accomplishments can give an over-achiever the feeling of being okay as a human being. At least, that is the hope.

Overachievers can benefit from allowing themselves to “slack off,” and learning to tolerate the feelings that arise in the absence of productivity.

On the other side of the coin, your self-esteem might be so injured that you don’t dare attempt to achieve anything; if you should fail, it will only prove what you secretly already suspect: that you are woefully inadequate to the tasks of normal living. It’s better not to try, and enjoy the thought of having “potential,” than to attempt to achieve something and fail in front of everyone.

Underachievers can pay attention to feelings of fear of failure, and practice making small attempts at do-able activities, such as baby steps toward a larger goal.

4. Perfectionism

It’s long been known that the perfectionist suffers from low self-esteem.

Only if the perfectionist can do something perfectly is it good enough to be acceptable to others. Ninety-nine percent success is the same as failure; only 100% is good enough (barely).

The perfectionist might think his standards are his own – that is, he may believe he’s trying to please only himself – but too-high standards are always based on early perceptions of what others expect from us.

Perfectionism is cured by doing things imperfectly on purpose. It may help to use a shame tactic: Imagine that everyone knows you’re insecure because of your perfectionism. It might help you to let go of it a little.

5. Alienation

Feeling “different” somehow, and alienated from the rest of the human race, is one of the most discouraging experiences one can have, and perhaps surprisingly, it’s one of the most common reasons people seek therapy.

This sense of alienation often results from emotional neglect when a person was young.

Many of us who received the food, clothing and shelter we needed for survival did not receive as much accurate empathy as we needed in order to understand ourselves as people.

Sometimes our caregivers were sick, depressed or even deceased, and we were left alone too often. Sometimes they were there with a vengeance, sowing fear and discord. We didn’t get the opportunities we needed to bond with other people.

Bonding creates a sense of security and connection that everyone – kids, adolescents, adults, seniors – needs in order to thrive.

If you feel like an alien, know that you are not alone, and that you are a normal human being reacting in a normal way to an abnormal situation (emotional isolation).

Read and learn as much as you can about emotions, for these play an important role in the formation of relationships with both yourself and others.

Practice self-acceptance; if you don’t, you will never feel accepted by others.

If you can, find a therapist you feel comfortable with. He or she will serve as a compassionate guide while you work on reintegrating yourself into the human race… where you very much belong.

©Copyright 2010 by Tina Gilbertson, MA. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Tina and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Kelly and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

This article outlines three ways to have your teenager NOT listen to you!

Every parent wants their teenager to listen to them, but some of the ways that parents go about it produces the opposite affect. The three main ways are: nagging, insight and nagging.

Nagging, for a teen, is the ultimate turn off. Parents do not see it as nagging because parents have a great way to reframe and rationalize their nagging as really reminding the teen what to do. Well, to a teen, more reminding is nagging. Teens’ faces may go blank, they may appear to be listening but really are not. They are hearing Charlie Brown’s mom’s voice: “WAH, WAH, WAH.”

Make what you say to your teen short and sweet. Allow them to do what is being asked. Balance.

Insight is helpful, but to a teenager it may appear as nagging. Not all teens are in tune for insight and for those that do not want any more insight, it will be heard as nagging. So, save the insight for the time when you and your teen are just hanging out, when nothing really serious is going on and you can just talk. LISTEN to what they are saying. It’s okay to not always give your teen advice. They are able to do things without being told several times.

Nagging. Yes, it was briefly addressed above, but just like a teen, a parent may need to be told NOT TO NAG again.

Take time to listen to your teen and demonstrate to them how you would like them to listen. Remember that your teen is capable of getting things done and even though it is not on your schedule, they will get the things done. Balance and negotiation also help the communication lines and let your teen express his or her ideas.

©Copyright 2010 by Kelly Sanders, MFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Kelly and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

When President Obama recently received a regular health checkup complimented by a battery of medical tests, many people likely applauded the effort, based on a popular understanding that a high frequency and considerable breadth of diagnostic tests is beneficial for health. Yet in a recent news brief, experts have pointed to the President’s series of exams as one of many examples of over-testing, a problem they suggest is growing increasingly large. Influencing both medical and psychological well-being, over-testing can have a profound impact on the actual health of the client as well as on the cost of medical care.

Some doctors have noted feeling pressured into ordering potentially unnecessary tests to avoid potential malpractice suits or allegations of neglect, while others may encounter significant pressure from clients themselves, convinced that they need a test for something for which they may not be a likely candidate. Experts have warned that some tests, especially those which expose clients to radiation or which are invasive, may actually contribute to harm while producing little to no benefit when clients are not at risk for a particular issue.

While psychotherapy lacks medically invasive or radiation-laced diagnostics, some within the mental health field have been accused of being too quick to order tests or to move towards, and treat, a particular diagnosis. Through talking to clients about the unnecessary nature of some tests, and through being more forthcoming with information and less willing to participate in clients’ effective self-diagnosis and self-medication, professionals may be able to help their clients achieve better health through meaningful, rather than overdone, prevention. By re-learning what prevention means, the experts note, people may experience better health –and a lot less time spent undergoing tests.

One of the most important aspects of clinical practice, outcome scales provide practitioners and clients alike with key information about client progress and response to various stimuli and treatments. While there are many self-reporting scales for anxiety, one such scale recently developed at Rhode Island Hospital has been created to allow for swift reporting and processing times, and to deliver a consistent and reliable accuracy. The scale has proven successful in resisting test-retest variance and is able to be completed in less than two minutes by a client, while scoring can take under thirty seconds. The scale may become popular in a number of clinical environments, especially those with demanding case loads.

Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

March is here.
March is Women’s History Month*… a month created to celebrate the gift that women are to our world and our civilization.

But just a few weeks ago, on February 7, not long before Women’s History Month . . .
Right out in the open, we saw misogyny in action in Super Bowl commercials.
Misogyny: hatred of women! In very expensive Super Bowl commercials.

In a Bridgestone Tire ad, thugs stop a car and say “Your Bridgestone tires or your life!” The driver throws a woman out of the car. The thugs say “Not your wife! Your life!” The misogyny portrayed is obvious – a man’s tires are of far more value to him than his wife!

An E*trade commercial supports men being unfaithful to women starting in the crib. In the E*trade ad a baby boy lies to and cheats on a baby girl with another baby girl. The misogyny once again is blatant: girls/women don’t deserve to have boys/men keep their commitments to them.

And the Dodge Charger ad – Man’s Last Stand – reveals a number of men, angry men, men in whom the rage is evident. Michael C. Hall does the voice for all of them. He’s also plays the lead in the television show Dexter, in which, out in the open, he’s a blood spatter analyst for the Miami PD, while “undercover” he’s a serial killer. This background sets up the commercial perfectly as the men in it say things like:

I will shave.
I will clean the sink after I shave …
I will take your call …
I will be civil to your mother …
I will put the seat down…
I will separate the recycling …
I will put my underwear in the basket …
And because I do this,
I will drive the car I want to drive!***

He’s saying, “It is your #@&% fault, woman, that I have to be a responsible person . . . and a responsible adult. I’m enraged at you. I’ll be responsible but my reward is to drive whatever car I want.” The misogyny in this ad is visible, audible, palpable.

That these and other misogynistic ads could be accepted as commercials by the network anytime of the year reveals a lot. That they were accepted as Super Bowl commercials exposes right out in the light of day the undeniable misogyny in our country (and our world.)

In order to truly celebrate Women’s History Month we need to see, acknowledge, and work to heal misogyny, both individually and communally.
You don’t have to be a man to hate women. Unfortunately, women have learned to hate themselves and each other for eons.

To heal misogyny in our world . . .
We need to see it in ourselves – whether we are men or women. And we need to see it and stand up to it in our world amongst both men and women.

********************

In order to heal misogyny wherever it exists, we need to understand its roots.

Everyone has a mother – whether a known mother or an unknown one. Everyone – male and female alike – has a mother who is a woman. And everyone has experiences with that mother, experiences that impact one’s feelings about women. If your mother gave birth to you and then had to put you up for adoption, you likely have on the youngest, most primal level, all the feelings that are part of what I call “the abandonment cauldron.” This will inevitably include rage and hatred for that singular woman, and probably women in general, too. You likely are not even conscious of your feelings of rage and hatred . . . they are so young and so beneath thought and word. But they are there inside you, nevertheless. And they will have a huge impact on your relationship with women whether you are a man or a woman.

Perhaps your mother gave birth to you and stayed with you. Perhaps she wanted to give you her best, to be a good mother, but . . . you had colic as a baby, and whenever you cried and she couldn’t comfort you, she got triggered and became angry at you. You were terrified! And cried all the more. She got still angrier. You, more frightened. And eventually you became enraged in response to her scaring you so and to your powerlessness in the interaction and relationship. Now, without even being aware of it, you are afraid of mother and all women. And now, without being conscious of it, you are enraged at mother and all women and the power they have. What a vicious cycle has been created here . . . within each of you and between the two of you! And transferred onto other women, as well. And all because your mother, was not able to feel her fear, triggered by your pain, her powerlessness to comfort you, and instead felt and acted out on her anger in response to her fear. Perhaps her fear and anger came from a very similar place in her life experience as your fear and anger. That is, after all, how the vicious cycle moves from generation to generation.

Have you ever seen a tiny baby in a rage? You’re red all over, you flail wildly and cry uncontrollably, and nothing can stop you! Most people don’t know what to do when a baby is frightened and raging . . . so it can evoke their fears of inadequacy, their fears related to control, as well as their own early childhood feelings. The only thing that can be done for you is for a loving, wise, and un-triggered adult to hold you gently and close (but not too close) so you can feel you are being held and not flying out into black space . . . till the cycle runs its course and you fall asleep.

Even with that loving response, you still have rage and fear within you. You still have an involuntary, frightened response to being powerless. You still focus your rage, fear, and powerlessness onto mom and other women.

This is most likely all unconscious. You are not aware of it. You have buried the feelings and memories as much as possible, for they are too much for a little child to bear. But you also are not aware that you transfer all these feelings, memories, and decisions you made at the time onto women in your life later on. Later on could be later on in childhood – like onto a teacher. Later on in your adolescence – onto a girlfriend or a female friend. Later on in your adulthood – onto an employer, a female clergy person, a life partner, or even a daughter.

And it is this unconscious transfer that feeds today’s misogyny most of all. As long as you are unconscious of the root of your hatred of women . . . As long as you are unconscious of the root of your fear of women . . . As long as you are unconscious of the root of your power struggle with women . . . you can find all sorts of excuses for it. All sorts of rationalizations for it. All sorts of philosophical reasons for it. And heaven knows! In a patriarchy in which misogyny is normalized those justifications for it melt into the pot of normalized misogyny.

So . . . if we are going to heal misogyny in our society and our world . . . we – each of us – needs to discover and heal our own hatred, fear, and power struggle with women. Each of us needs to bring it into consciousness and not stop there. Each of us needs to do the very deep, very primal, very feeling work that lies beneath the mind . . . in our hearts, our cells, our early, early childhoods. That way we will not have to think our way through to a response that is not misogynous, while holding the feelings at bay. That way, misogyny will finally be absent from our response to women . . . whether that woman be our mother, our daughter, our friend, our teacher, our employer, our clergy, our senator, our president or . . . our self.

Reference:

*The first part of this article was, in essence, posted on my blog, PoliPsych, a short time ago. Though the post just began to scratch the surface, it feels like an apt and powerful introduction to our exploring the roots of misogyny.

©Copyright 2010 by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Chris and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

There comes a point and time in every growing therapist’s development when they have to let go of all the tools and tricks. They have to trust that what they have learned is now second nature, and rest into the moment, into the relationship with their client. The following story details that moment in my life.

When Tony was just two days old, the Department of Child and Family Services removed him from the care of his mother as she tested positive for cocaine and other substances. He was immediately placed into foster care and into the home of a foster mother with at least four other children. He was removed from that home due to allegations of neglect when he was eleven months, and over the next two years spent time in at least three other foster homes. By the time Tony was three, the impact of multiple placements, neglect, and exposure to drugs when in his mother’s womb was obvious. He would rock himself, bang his head on the wall or headboard of his bed. He was difficult to soothe, oppositional, would have several severe tantrums every day. His caregivers at the time struggled to find ways to control him.

Tony stayed in one foster home from the time he was three until he was six and entered grade school for the first time. Unfortunately, with school came a whole host of other problems. Unlike other kids his age, Tony had no idea how to get along with friends, how to understand their feelings, how to show empathy. He would tease, threaten, bully, physically attack, and provoke his peers. His teachers struggled to control him, and eventually Tony was expelled from school in the first grade, still at the age of six. Also at this time, his foster family had had enough and gave what’s called a 7-day notice. This basically means that they are giving DCFS a week to find a new home for Tony. They did, and Tony was placed in a residential care facility, an RCL-14 facility, the highest level of such care in the state short of psychiatric hospitalization.

At the young age of six, Tony was placed in a facility with 60 other boys, ages 6-17. He was the youngest and the smallest. This is when I met Tony for the first time. I had just started working at this home as an intern, and had been assigned a caseload of 7 boys. Tony was now one of my clients. My job, as a clinician, was to provide individual therapy. My background had been in somatic psychology, and I was used to working with high functioning adults. I had no idea what to do with these kids. We received some rudimentary training and were advised to stick with cognitive behavioral approaches, as they were shown to be the most efficacious. I felt like a foreigner in a strange land.

And so, I started to work with Tony in such a manner, working specifically on his behaviors, creating behavior charts, incentive programs, dissecting his thinking and his decision making. I had mood and feeling charts, anger management games, and consequential thinking development tools. Yet I knew I was missing something. Somewhere in the back of mind, or maybe in my heart, I knew that I wasn’t reaching him, that I wasn’t meeting his needs. He was frustrated with me, bored. Our sessions were tedious, I hated them. I didn’t look forward to seeing him and began to resent for the feelings I was having. How dare this little kid make me feel so inadequate!

One day, I received a call from our crisis unit. Tony had run away again, left school in a rage, and ran out into the neighborhood. He was gone for several hours before they found him and brought him back. As was standard protocol in such situations, I was required to come down to the crisis unit and perform a safety and risk evaluation with Tony. I brought him back to my office and started to ask him the standard questions on the form, “On a scale from 1-10, how angry are you?” “10!” “OK, 10. Complete this sentence, I feel like hurting myself never, sometimes, or all of the time.” “All of the time!” Tony was getting angrier and angrier. So was I. This wasn’t working, and I knew it. As I proceeded to follow the standard protocol, to keep within the bounds of what was expected of me, he began to escalate. Finally, he had enough, stood up on top of his chair, and screamed through his tears “Why won’t you just be with me!”

In that moment, I melted. I dropped all the cognitive behavioral facade, and I trusted my body and my feelings to do what was right. There before me was a tiny, tired, terrified little boy. He had never had a mother, or a father, he didn’t know how to get along with people, he didn’t know how to be civilized. He did however know that he need something. In an instant I saw the infant in him, crying to be held. I cried. I put down my clipboard, looked deeply into his eyes. I opened my arms and said nothing. It took only a moment, he felt the shift, and came running towards me, falling into my arms. He sobbed and so did I. My body knew exactly what to do, and it was not on any chart, or form, or strategic plan. He needed to be held, as if he were an infant. And so I held him, rocked him, soothed him for what felt like hours. He eventually fell asleep in my arms.

This story illustrates what has been shown to be the most important predictor of a positive therapeutic experience. When all is said and done, it is not the theoretical orientation, nor the specific interventions, that make therapy good. It is the quality of the relationship, the attachment, between therapist and client, that allows the client to feel safe, respected, accepted, and builds the ground for change. Tony was met by me when I simply allowed myself to be with him.

I worked with Tony for several years after that. After that moment, our work deepened, and I kept trusting myself that I knew instinctively what to do for this little guy. When our paths parted, his life continued to be a struggle, in and out of group homes and foster care. I’ve lost touch with Tony. He is now probably 18 or so. I can only hope that those moments of deep attachment and attunement made some difference in his chaotic life.

©Copyright 2010 by Chris Tickner, MA, MFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Chris and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

In terms of many difficult and undesirable parts of life –such as alcohol and substance abuse, compulsive behaviors, and more–, people often overestimate the rate at which certain issues occur. This effect may be especially prominent among people who commit the acts in question. This connection has been significantly show for many psychological and behavioral concerns in the past, but recently, a research team at the University of Washington has found that men involved in domestic violence incidents are likely to believe that such issues occur far more frequently than they actually do.

The research team worked with a group of over one hundred men, all of whom had committed one of seven behaviors defined as violent against their partner within the past ninety days. The men were surveyed as to their estimation of the frequency of events such as slapping or hitting a partner, shoving, throwing an item at a partner, and forcing a partner to have sex without consent. The results showed that the men were likely to estimate a significantly higher frequency than was found through checking with data from the national Violence Against Women survey supported by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

The discrepancies between how often domestic violence attacks occur and how often the men believed they occurred points to the idea that people feel better about doing things that they perceive as being normal, the researchers note. Through creating the idea that many other men commit violence against their romantic partners, the men may be justifying their own behavior to themselves, something which has been shown to be the case across a wide spectrum of actions and tendencies. The research, while needing further study and refinement to provide a more comprehensive data set, may help therapists and counselors better understand how to help those involved in domestic violence overcome such issues.

In much of modern society, a retreat from sexist ideologies and practices in the past has been cause for celebration for several years. Many people from all walks of life are likely to have noticed a greater sense of equality in the workplace and in their private lives. Yet a study recently produced at the University of Surrey has found that sexism still exists in the arrangement of male and female names in writing. The researchers designed a series of tests aimed at investigating how people ordered names, as well as how such ordering might reflect their ideas about gender and power. After data collection, the team found that in around seventy percent of cases, male names were placed first, and this placement indicated an association with stronger attributes.

Click here to contact Danielle and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

As a young person entering into college life, you are probably having many thoughts about what lies ahead, and feeling excited about this fresh start. Your parents are excited too, and probably nervous that their teenage child is now moving into adulthood. They may have had successful college years, or perhaps, they are seeing a dream they had for their own education realized, as you enter into college. Their feelings and expectations, when combined with your own are a part of a transformation that can be both exciting and terrifying.

Young adulthood is already a time of transition that usually includes establishing new identities and managing new emotions. Going to college presents even more change during this time, and that will require you to have a stronger ability to adapt. Moving into a new environment and meeting new people means leaving everything that’s familiar. The past may have been great, something that’s hard to leave behind; or maybe it was more difficult, you struggled just to get through, and what you’re facing may be a welcome change. Regardless of your experience, what’s happening now is a loss; a loss of your adolescence, of a role in which your family and friends provided a pretty reliable safety net if you needed it.

What often aren’t addressed are the common fears, the nerves and anxieties that often present while trying to figure out a new way to establish yourself in a new environment. It’s important to acknowledge that these struggles and new emotions can occur naturally in this stage of life, and it’s normal for young adults to feel stress at this time. Stressors such as figuring out new living arrangements, redefining your role in your parents home, managing finances, long distance relationships, break-ups, or how to add or drop a class can mean extra demands that you may not have been prepared for. Adapting to changes, learning new coping mechanisms, or revisiting some familiar ones are all important strategies that can help you feel grounded.

The following are a few tips for you to use to help maintain some sense of normalcy and maybe gain a little relief while adjusting to the changes that are natural in this stage of life.

1. Good time management is important! It’s time to start putting it into practice if you haven’t yet. By having an organized schedule, you can stay on track of your priorities and tackle each day in a proactive fashion.

2. Implement a routine of healthy habits. You can’t succeed if you don’t stay healthy! Tight budgets, new parties, a heavy caseload, and late night snacks, can wreak havoc on healthy habits. Preventing illness, and having a healthy routine can help you keep some balance in your new environment.

3. Ask for Help. Sometimes it’s not clear where to go, or maybe it’s embarrassing to ask. Identify the fear and recognize that it may be holding you back from getting good information. Then you can find out who has the answers, or at least where you can go for some direction. Once you ask, you can move through the fear and move forward. Your college is full of resources, such as counselors, mentors and other advocates. Don’t hesitate to ask your parents, teachers, or new friends at school for some assistance. Remember: at some point, everyone needs help with something. None of us can do it alone!

4. A social outlet may bring many great benefits. Getting into campus life will help you learn your way around and build a support system. Being able to have friends to turn to in tough times is important; it’s also great to have them in times of celebration! Having fun with friends stimulates healthy hormones that can help you feel better emotionally and physically; so join a club, play intramural sports, or start another new activity that will inspire new friendships.

5. Remember your safety net. Returning home on weekends or vacations to get “refueled” can give you a short break and allow you to return refreshed. A home environment that makes you feel safe and that’s familiar can be very comforting, and may give you just what you need to make it through the end of a tough semester.

6. Take time to relax and enjoy yourself. Staying present and in the moment can help you appreciate and recognize what is going on around you. Slowing down and being mindful is important for you to stay healthy and create a successful college experience.

The start of your college experience can be complicated, but it’s also an opportunity to get your feet wet as you’re branching out into the adult world. Using healthy coping skills, and building a support system will get you through the tough spots. As you become more familiar with your new life, being able to trust yourself to manage what’s ahead, and find enjoyment in it, will help this transition be a fun and successful one.

©Copyright 2010 by Danielle Organista, LMFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Danielle and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Joyce and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Many survivors of childhood abuse are very skilled at avoiding their feelings. You might ask why they would do this, but it actually makes a lot of sense. As a helpless child, when you are ‘trapped’ in an abusive household and were either subjected to daily or sporadic abuse, the feelings were overwhelmingly painful. You either knew that you would be constantly bombarded day-after-day with abuse and the resultant flooding of emotions, or that you would be ‘hit’ with the abuse eventually – when you least expected it, also resulting in a flooding of emotions. Eventually, children in these situations just wanted to escape the emotional pain. So they slowly began to avoid the painful emotions – both consciously and unconsciously.

Unfortunately, by the time you were an adult, this practice had became a habit. When you carry buried emotions from the past, you can end up struggling with depression and/or anxiety and have no idea why this might be. This can continue until you learn to deal with it. If this is a lifetime habit of yours, a licensed therapist can be invaluable in helping you to resolve those old painful memories and the resulting emotions. Sometimes people hold onto old feelings, because those feelings feel familiar; change is scary! To let go can feel terrifying and can sometimes cause individuals to hang onto their feelings, even though they feel miserable in doing so. While exploring these old feelings with a therapist skilled in survivor work, you can learn where the feelings originated from and why you can’t seem to let go of them. Sometimes it’s simply because you aren’t aware that there’s anything to let go of!

In the beginning, when you felt you were in danger of being abused by an adult or an older sibling, you might have felt your heart racing, your breathing might have became shallower, you probably began to sweat and/or get cold chills; a whole host of other sensations might have taken place in your body. On an emotional level, maybe you began crying, or perhaps you got angry. Maybe you cowered in fear, or begged with hope that you could persuade your abuser to leave you alone. But definitely, you experienced those physical sensations and reactions – your mind and body took notice and you took action to protect yourself. Perhaps you ran and hid. Perhaps you covered up a mess you had made so that your parent wouldn’t learn of it and punish you for the incident. Perhaps you learned to blame it on a sibling (and then suffered the resulting guilt when you saw your brother or sister being abused for something which you had actually done). Eventually though, when you learned as a child living in an abusive environment that you didn’t stand a chance of protecting yourself, you learned to shut off your feelings. You were trying to survive; perhaps figuratively and/or literally. Therefore, when a parent or other adult hurt you verbally, emotionally, physically, and/or sexually, you learned to disconnect from those overwhelming feelings since they were just too scary!

Although many are fearful as adults of getting in touch with their feelings, those feelings can actually help you to heal and to grow into a healthier adult. Feelings and emotions can play a positive role in your life, once you learn to understand them and what they are saying to you. You can learn to see your feelings and emotions as a friend, guiding you along in your life’s journey. You can now learn to trust your gut feelings and you can make much progress in doing so along with the help of a skilled therapist who understands the process. Although this is not necessarily a fast process, it is definitely worthwhile. Ironically, when you begin in therapy, you often want to continue disconnecting from these scary feelings, since this has served you well in your past. Unfortunately, in adulthood, this coping mechanism no longer works to your advantage and you must learn new ways of coping.

If you were hurt as an infant and/or toddler, you learned to be fearful and mistrustful of others. You may have gotten the message that you were unlovable or that you had to earn love from others. As adults, this can cause many problems in your adult relationships, whether with spouses, partners, co-workers, neighbors, etc. Even if you want to trust and not be fearful, those old habits are hard to get rid of, especially since they served you so well for so many years. When you were being abused as a child, you were being abandoned – whether literally or figuratively. Parents, who were not there (physically or emotionally) for their child, leave these children feeling fearful that they are unlovable, and as a result may be hurt and/or abandoned. The child gets the message that it’s unwise to count on others for getting their needs met, and to instead count only upon themselves. This message tends to live on well into one’s adult life, unless one gets proper help. This is why so many adult survivors have control issues. Ironically, adults who struggle with these issues often get into abusive adult relationships since this is what feels familiar to them. They do not consciously make this choice, but tend to be drawn into these types of relationships with others. Unless this person receives help from a therapist who understands these patterns, the pattern will often continue from relationship to relationship and the survivor will continue to suffer.

I encourage you to get help and not allow this pattern to continue in your life. There are many good therapists who can help you to overcome your obstacles, which were created from the past. You can learn more about me and the other licensed therapists in my group practice by visiting my profile and going to our website. There’s no need to continue suffering. Help is available, and you truly can experience a happier and healthier life, both emotionally and physically!

©Copyright 2010 by Joyce A. Thompson, MS, LMFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Joyce and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Getting a soothing and relaxing massage has long been not only a popular source of unwinding and pleasure after a hard workweek or difficult event, but has also been hailed for its ability to ease symptoms of anxiety. In fact, massage therapy has traditionally been one of the most frequently-used alternatives to medical and psychotherapeutic treatment for anxiety, though issues of access to care and affordability exist. Providing the groundwork for a potential widening of the availability of these therapeutic benefits, a study recently published in the journal Depression and Anxiety has found that similar treatments, such as practicing deep breathing while lying down or receiving thermotherapy through warm towels applied to the limbs, all complimented with low light and soft music, are equally effective in reducing symptoms.

The study split participants into three groups, each of which received one type of treatment. After a twelve week study period in which subjects received ten therapeutic sessions, the researchers found that consistent reports of about a forty percent reduction in anxiety symptoms was experienced in each group, and this effect was amplified to a fifty percent reduction across all groups after a follow-up performed three months later. The research powerfully demonstrates that the process of relaxation itself may be the key component of the reduction of anxiety in alternative treatments, rather than the specific application involved.

As massage therapy can be difficult for some clients to acquire given its cost, the potential for relatively low-cost or free treatments attainable in the home may bring hope to greater numbers of those who suffer from the symptoms of anxiety. Further research, including study performed with a control group receiving no therapeutic treatment, may help cement the known benefits of a wider range of options.

Quarrels between couples are well-known for sometimes having lasting effects on mood, energy, and other important daily factors, but how such arguments manifest within the brain itself have largely been unknown. In a recent study performed by several researchers from Harvard University and the University of California at Berkeley, couples were given brain scans while viewing positive, negative, or neutral images of their partners. The study found that increased activity, interpreted as improved function, within the lateral prefrontal cortex predicted better moods in the days following feelings of conflict. The research may help counselors, therapists, and couples themselves better understand how to efficiently recover from arguments.

Click here to contact Jackie and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Temper tantrums are important to address because although they first appear usually during the first year of life, they can occur across the lifespan. What, you say, adults have tantrums? Yes, they do. That is why it is important to understand what they are all about and how not to reinforce them when children are young.

Tantrums are about power, control, and getting one’s own way. Few parents escape the unpleasant experience of having their child throw himself on the floor kicking and screaming. It can be upsetting and embarrassing, particularly if it happens in public.

In Positive Discipline A-Z, (Nelsen, Lott, and Glenn) the authors say that, “It helps to remember that your child’s behavior has a purpose. Children throw temper tantrums to get attention, their own way, to hurt back if they feel hurt, or to get others to leave them alone. Temper tantrums are an emotional display. The child may feel angry or frustrated or vindictive—or even playful. We are most effective when we deal with the tantrum and then later deal with the feeling behind the tantrum.” I would add that some children will throw tantrums to get you to do something for them.

So what do we do? First, stay calm and wait until the tantrum is over. This is very important. Too many parents get angry themselves and escalate the situation with their own emotional display. Some parents actually model tantrums for their children. Their emotions do not have to hook yours. It’s about having good boundaries.

If you can’t remain calm, remove yourself from the scene quickly and quietly. In fact, frequently when you remove the audience the tantrum will stop. If you are in public and it is safe to do so, go as far as from the child as possible while keeping him in sight. Once the tantrum is over, say nothing about it. If your child is using a tantrum for emotional blackmail, he will soon give it up if you don’t buy into it. With some children it helps to hold them and comfort them. You have to know your child.

It is very important that the child receive no benefit from the temper tantrum. Do not give in and give them what they want just to have peace and make it stop. That only reinforces that temper tantrums work for them. Recently, I met with a couple who are paying the price for giving in to their very strong-willed child’s temper tantrums. He is now out of control and in control. So far they are unwilling to tolerate the noise and bluster in order to get the situation in hand.

I remember that when one of my children was two years old that child wanted me to come and open the back door to the house so they could come in. The child was perfectly capable of opening it for themselves. When I didn’t do it, the tantrum that followed was both for power and to hook me into their service. It was very difficult, but I just kept about my business doing what I was doing in the kitchen and keeping my eye in him and, finally, after 45 minutes the child gave up and came inside. It wasn’t easy to do that, but it paid off over time.

With older babies, you can wait to pick them up out of their cribs when they stop crying. This is when they seem out of control and you are feeling angry. The second they stop, pick them up. They soon learn that they can’t control you with their emotions. I think my child was almost one years old and standing up in the crib when this worked for me.

Teenagers can also throw temper tantrums. The same guidelines apply. Don’t give in and don’t engage yourself. Walk away with the idea of talking with them about it at a later time when they are calmed down. Then talk with them about more appropriate ways of expressing their feelings. Emotional honesty is an important quality for a family to possess, but emotional display is not. If teenagers say hurtful things, and they sometimes do, don’t take it personally, and don’t retaliate.

The more we involve our children in decisions that affect them, the less they feel the need to use tantrums to have a say. Conduct family meetings each week where you have fun together as well as discuss issues that need to be addressed in the process of daily living together. In one of these articles I will discuss family meetings more thoroughly.

Pay attention to how you may be setting your child up to have a tantrum. You may be arguing, demanding, controlling, and fighting with them until they throw a tantrum in exasperation. Notice what part you might play in the drama.

It’s okay to say no to your children and for them to be angry. You don’t have to fix it. “Some kids and some adults like to bluster before they accept the inevitable. It’s their style and doesn’t hurt anyone. Once the blustering is done, often they will cheerfully do what needs to be done. Keep your sail out of their wind while they bluster, and it won’t rock your boat.” (Positive Discipline A-Z)

©Copyright 2010 by Jackie Pearson, LMFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Jackie and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile