Click here to contact Jeffrey and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Communication is the lynchpin of relationships, including the relationship between our children and ourselves. If your child has been caught lying, it can be difficult not to react harshly as a parent. Lying causes most parents to worry “will my child always be a liar,” “was the truth so bad that he had to lie?” and other negative thoughts and feelings. As parents, we want open honest communication with our children. One lie that goes uncaught often turns into more lying. There are ways to stop a pattern of lying. Foremost why do children and teens lie to their parents and other adults?

If a toddler age child veers away from the truth, it is not typically a serious problem. Toddlers can often they can be redirected to tell the truth. Most toddlers “lie” because they are telling a story and embellish for more attention.

It is important to understand why your child is lying in order to change this pattern of behavior. Older children and teens will lie for self-serving reasons such as avoiding punishment and having to engage in extra work. They have done something wrong and in an effort to avoid an immediate consequence they will lie. They are encouraged to continue lying when they are not caught in their initial lies. They think that “I got away with that and avoided getting into trouble”, so they will lie again each time hoping that they will get away with their lie. This leads to larger and more elaborate lies and eventually being caught. Adolescents also lie to protect their privacy, and to save others from feeling bad. As teens grow, they seek out more independence and privacy; and will lie to protect it. They also have become old enough to understand that telling a lie can preserve another’s feelings. Socially we have all done this from time to time. Who has not told grandma that they love the fuzzy orange sweater she bought them for Christmas. This sort of socially acceptable “lie” is to spare another’s feelings and is not what we are discussing here.

Lying becomes a more serious problem when a child is telling stories to seek greater amounts of attention, it has become a more repetitive behavior that is easily fallen into, or your child is covering up another more dangerous problem.

When you discover that your child is not telling the truth, take time out to deliberate and think through your responses. Your response will either set the child up for another lie or encourage them to be more open and honest with you. Next, find out what the truth was, and why your child avoided it. Stay calm; an emotional reaction only makes your child fear the worst: a harsher punishment. Work to resolve that problem with your child. As you do this you can explain that the lie only makes it more difficult for you and your child to work together to solve a problem or deal with consequences of their actions. No matter how bad the truth is, by remaining open, calm, and listening to your child, it will set the stage for your child to be open and honest with you. Then you can both work together. If lying has become a repetitive problem, ask for help from your child, and work to focus on the issues that are causing your child to lie and resolve those issues. Maybe your child needs alternative ways to communicate with you. An example is writing in a journal back and forth to each other. Praise them often for telling the truth, especially when it is difficult for them, be open and forgiving.

Remember that children and teens watch the adults in their lives and by being a consistent role model, we can demonstrate to them that lying is not an acceptable way to handle difficult situations. Make sure to talk about honesty and truthfulness at a variety of random times, not just when your child is in trouble for lying. If lying continues, escalates, or maybe is masking a different problem, seek out the advice of a knowledgeable therapist or pediatrician.

©Copyright 2010 by Jeffrey S. Gallup, MA, LPC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Jeffrey and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Beth and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Kids start learning how to communicate with their world from the moment they are born. They are programmed to vocalize and use their bodies in ways that are communicating their needs. Their cries, squeaks, squeals, screams, and even their giggles tell us what they need, along with the squirming and flailing of their tiny bodies. It is our job as Parents to interpret the meaning of these sounds and gestures, and then to respond effectively in a nurturing and soothing manner. We teach our children about the world around them every time we meet or don’t meet their needs; by what we say and do, or don’t say or do.

These same children grow up to be teenagers! You may even have one or more of these adolescent people in your life. These teens have had plenty of time watching us both communicating effectively and not; and now they venture out whole-heartedly to navigate their world; and it all starts at home. Effective families start with effective Parenting; effective Parents use effective communication!

During the teen years, many parents feel as though the’re experiencing technical problems with teen communication; only random bits of conversations are punctuated by their teen’s with “Huh?”, “I don’t know”, “Whatever”, “Leave me alone, go away”, “You don’t even know me at all!”, “I HATE my life!”, and the various grunts and the dramatic rolling of the eyes that feel like lighting and thunder to the parent who was merely asking how their day was at school.

The chances are, if you’ve got a teen in your life, you know this scenario quite well.

So now let’s take a closer look at how parents communicate with each other. Perhaps you and your spouse don’t seem to understand each other anymore, and you’re questioning whether you ever did? Your adult conversations are brief and meaningless, maybe only the facts are lazily spouted; conversations that usually take place in passing from car to house, and from room to room, even by texts are limited, if at all. Many parents even find themselves caught up in the manic carpooling to endless kid-focused activities. There may not even be a time when you sit down without the distractions from TV or the internet, etc, to share a meal together and discuss what happened in each family members’ day. Is there family time?

Our children are watching our every move.

Take a deep cleansing breath.

Communication problems happen. We unknowingly create patterns of behaviors, and when we don’t address the ineffective behaviors, the patterns exist, and become ingrained in our families.

There is a solution; a resolution! First, each family member must honestly believe that the interactions within their family can be improved. The next step is for all family members to agree to being part of that solution. And here is where the magic exists.

In my previous article, “Nurturing Communication,” I stated that, “Communication involves so much more than what we say. Partners must choose to improve how they communicate with each other by honestly sharing how they feel and what they are expecting from the other. Learning to communicate better can bring your relationship to a whole new level and reduce stress and conflict.” We can apply this same idea to communicating within our own families, between spouses and children. It’s important to remember that we, as parents, are helping our children, yes…even our teens, to learn how to function in society and it all starts at home. It starts with mutual love and respect. Our children will learn from our actions – both good & bad!

Behavioral Patterns can be re-created to fit the family’s needs. Parents are empowered to systematically, step-by-step, change their family’s internal system of how they relate to each other; with gentleness, honesty, and courage to take back their position as Parent.

A change in the family’s current system of behaviors, or patterns of interacting with each other, involves the commitment of all family members to be strong enough to Actively Listen, to reply using “I” Statements, show respect to each family member, and receive the same respect back.

To start this initial step, the parents will need to carve out small windows of uninterrupted “Parent Time” so they can create the framework for the changes they would like to introduce to their family. Then Parents schedule frequent uninterrupted family time to discuss their ideas of changes with the family, and encourage their children to appropriately use active listening and “I” statements in response.

Our Parents can empower their families to make the changes that will create happy, healthy, respectful children and peaceful nurturing Parents. I believe in the power of each of you. I know your journey is just one step away!

©Copyright 2010 by Beth S. Pumerantz, MA, MS, LMFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Beth and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Whenever we tell someone what they should or should not do, we might as well expect the other person to get defensive and feel resentful. Think about the last time someone told you what should do. You probably didn’t take it too well either. We heard all about what we should or shouldn’t have been doing as kids by our parents. The last thing we want is to hear that as adults from our partners.

Some examples of “shoulding” I’ve heard from clients recently include:

“She should let me go out with my friends more often without freaking out about it.”

“She shouldn’t get so angry and threaten to break up with me all the time during our fights.”

I don’t think that most of us realize how provocative it is when we “should” others. When we are in that state of mind, we really believe that our way is the “right” way and that any reasonable person would see it the same way. This gives us the idea that it’s OK to tell others what they should or shouldn’t do. Then we are often surprised when the receiver doesn’t take our statement too well, and now we have a new problem–a fight!

The truth is that even if we are “right” about what someone should do, nine times out of ten, the person who is on the receiving end of the “should” is not going to respond with, “Oh, thank you so much for enlightening me, you are right!”

Instead, they will dig in their heels and fight you on the topic way more so than they may have if things had been phrased a little bit differently.

In an ideal world, the person we are talking to hears the upset under the should statement and understands that when we tell others what they should have done, we really mean what we wish they had done, because it would have made our lives a little bit better.

We would then sound more like this:

“I wish you would do more around the house, such as loading the dishwasher and taking out the trash. It would really make life a lot better for me if those things happened more often. What do you think about doing those chores?”

“I wish that you were more open to me hanging out with my friends. I don’t like having to fight with you about it every time it comes up. Being with my friends is important to me and I would really appreciate the freedom to see them more often without us arguing about it. I want us to be able to understand each other better and get on the same page about this.”

“I wish we didn’t have these awful arguments where we get so upset with each other that you threaten our relationship. It’s scary to me when that happens. Help me understand how things get to such a bad place with us.”

You may have noticed that these phrases also enlist the other person’s point of view instead of simply telling them what we want or don’t want. All of us need to feel heard and understood, and none of us do very well with feelings of coercion from our loved ones. Maintaining a curious stance (Why does it upset you so much when I want to hang out with my friends?) and listening will generally work better than the “should” statement (I should be able to hang out with my friends).

If you are able to give your partner the benefit of the doubt and tell yourself that if they are upset, there is most likely a legitimate point in there somewhere, your response will be more effective. You probably can’t hear the part of their argument that is valid, because their point was presented in an angry and self-righteous way that immediately triggers you not to listen. When we feel attacked, we get defensive or we counterattack. That’s human nature.

What many people do is to form a new problem on top of the original problem (housework, going out with friends, etc.). This new problem is the emotional distress that comes from not being in agreement, and this problem almost ensures that we will no longer be able to focus on the original issue at hand.

People go around and around because one is waiting to hear that they are right, and the other person refuses to say it. When we don’t need to be right and when we don’t think we have the right to “should” another person, then we are in a whole new place. Our relationships feel more mutual and collaborative.

The best we can do in our relationships is to ask for what we would like, but without the demand. We can let others know how important things are to us without telling them what they should or shouldn’t do. When you put yourself on a higher moral plane than your loved one, you are practically asking to be ignored or to be fought with.

If you are the one sending the should statement, try to revise your communication to include what you would like to see happen, while also keeping your partner’s wishes in mind as well. When we are acting assertively, we remember that while our needs and wants are important, so are our partner’s. You can choose to approach your partner with the spirit of collaboration, instead of telling them what to do or talking about how wrong they are.

If you are on the receiving end of the should statement, do your best to understand that you partner is trying to tell you something important. Make the choice to listen and validate their concerns. Don’t counterattack with a “should” of your own (“You should want to be with me and not your friends”), or get defensive (“Well, you are no fun to be around, so of course I want to be with my friends instead”).

John Gottman, a prominent couples therapist and researcher says it’s not so much what happens during a fight that’s such a big deal, but it’s about whether we can come back later and talk about what happened in a more effective way. Most people let things drop and never really resolve their issues because it seems too hard.

I would say it’s not that difficult, but we are scared to do it because we believe that we have to admit we were wrong and we really don’t want to do that. I think what we really need to do is reach out and let others know that we care and that they may have a valid point, we just couldn’t hear it under the criticism of the “should.” Maybe we don’t help out around the house enough, or maybe we do go out with our friends too much. That can be extremely painful to admit. It’s not about the other person being right, or about our being wrong, it’s about taking responsibility for our actions and finding some middle ground with our partners.

In Nonviolent Communication, we talk about hearing the pain underneath others’ blame. A should statement is blaming and that is why it’s so provocative. But underneath the blame, it’s guaranteed that your partner is feeling some distress and probably doesn’t think they will be effective if they confide their vulnerable feelings to you. Try to help them make their point by listening and staying respectful. It’s not about sacrificing yourself or keeping your own wants and needs repressed. It’s about sending the message that you care and that you are willing to work with your partner so that both of your needs get met.

In the moment, you may not care to follow any of this advice. I can understand that because I’m telling you what you SHOULD not do, and you probably don’t like that. You might think that I’m telling you that I am right with my advice and you are wrong with your “shoulding.”

I’m not trying to be right, I’m just trying to help you have happier relationships. And I really don’t want to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do, I just want you to be aware of the painful consequences of doing that to others. There is a better way that will get you more of what you want and need in your life.

In your next argument, you might still throw that “should” out there and refuse to modify it. Or if you hear a should from someone you care about, you may get angry and respond ineffectively and kick off a huge argument. That’s OK. It can feel very satisfying to do so. I know from personal experience. Couples therapists make a lot of the same communication errors as everyone else because we are all human.

However, when you have calmed down, go back and try again. Reassure your partner that their needs are important to you and you want to work with them so that both of you are happy. Feel free to infuse some humor into the situation by saying, “I shouldn’t have shoulded you.”

©Copyright 2010 by Barbi Pecenco Kolski, MA. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Barbi and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Tina and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Does healthy self-esteem help with being assertive? You bet it does! To understand the reason for this, we need to know what we mean when we talk about being assertive.

For the purposes of this article, let’s define being assertive as communicating directly and openly about your thoughts, feelings and needs, without resorting to aggression or manipulation. For example, an assertive way to ask someone to open a window is to say, “Would you please open the window?” This is different from “Are you warm?” (indirect, manipulative) or “Open the window! What’s wrong with you, can’t you tell it’s boiling in here?” (aggressive). A third choice, which we’ll call passive, would be to just suffer in silence until it occurs to someone else to open the window.

So being assertive involves first of all choosing to communicate – being active rather than passive – and then doing so in a manner that’s both respectful and honest.

Fortunately, respect for others and honesty about oneself are hallmarks of healthy self-esteem. Let’s examine this relationship between being respectful and honest, and having good self-esteem.

First, having high self-esteem motivates us to treat others with appropriate respect. This is because when we feel good about ourselves, we want others to feel good too; there’s no need to diminish anyone else to prop ourselves up in comparison. So self-esteem always involves esteem for others, and encourages us to be respectful in our communication.

Assertive behavior is the same way; it’s not pushy, or selfish, or mean; it’s respectful to both the speaker and the listener.

The second marker, which is honesty, is really only possible when we believe our thoughts, feelings or needs to be worthy of being expressed. And that belief is part of enjoying healthy self-esteem; we believe ourselves to be as important as – not more or less important than – others.

In the same vein, healthy self-esteem lets us experience ourselves as fundamentally acceptable; it feels appropriate for us to present our real thoughts, feelings and needs to others in an assertive way. We’re able to be honest about where we truly stand, without feeling that it’s somehow “risky” to do so.

The connection here is that assertiveness, as we’ve defined it, entails honesty – communicating openly and directly about our thoughts, feelings and needs. And this, as we’ve seen, is only possible when we’re convinced that being honest is appropriate and acceptable.

Please note that what we’re asserting is not our right to have what we’re asking for, but rather our right to ask in the first place.

Maybe read that last sentence again. It’s important.

Assertiveness is not about my needs mattering more than yours, or me getting what I want at your expense. Assertiveness is instead an affirmation of my right to ask for what I want. Even if you say no, it was okay for me to ask. Just as you’re allowed to ask for what you want. Just as I’m allowed to say no if I’m not prepared to give it to you, etc. When one person exercises her rights, she inspires others to do the same.

As adults, we have the right and responsibility to ask for what we need, and exercising this right increases our self-esteem. Reciprocally, having high self-esteem makes us more likely to exercise our rights with assertive behavior.

Sometimes we don’t exercise our right to communicate our needs because we’re worried that we shouldn’t think or feel the way we do. Low self-esteem tells us we’re basically unworthy, too unworthy to ask for the things we want, let alone have them. So with injured self-esteem, it doesn’t feel safe to be honest with others about what’s in our hearts and minds. They might see the “real” us, and judge or ridicule us right when we’re most vulnerable.

Thus, low self-esteem and assertive behavior are incompatible. Whenever you see someone being assertive, rather than passive, aggressive, or both, you are witnessing an act of healthy self-esteem. Whenever you see someone verbally attacking others to get what they want, or being indirect about what they want, or silently enduring something they don’t want, you’re witnessing the result and perpetuation of injured self-esteem.

Because of this correlation between self-esteem and assertiveness, it’s tricky to teach assertiveness skills without addressing underlying self-esteem issues. But fortunately, as we’ve seen, the relationship between self-esteem and assertiveness tends to be reciprocal. In other words, while it’s clear that having high self-esteem makes it easier to practice assertive communication, it should also be noted that acting assertively promotes healthy self-esteem.

So if you’re thinking about becoming more assertive, go for it! It will be rewarding for you and will even increase your self-esteem.

©Copyright 2010 by Tina Gilbertson, MA. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Tina and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Beth and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Relationships are so precious to us and help us form a sense of who we are. Love and respect are the foundations for healthy relationships. Even though we may have differing viewpoints, relationships can be happy and wonderful and fulfilling if we can feel nurtured, understood, and appreciated. Well-known psychotherapist, Virginia Satir, explained that, “Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible–the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.”

Sometimes relationships can be frustrating and confusing, especially when we think we are communicating well with our partner, only to find out that we are misunderstood. Our feelings get bent out of shape. Instant conflict. It’s possible to improve our relationships by learning and using more effective communication strategies to build a stronger and happier relationship with our partners securing a sense of love and respect.

Communication involves so much more than what we say. Partners must choose to improve how they communicate with each other by honestly sharing how they feel and what they are expecting from the other. Learning to communicate better can bring your relationship to a whole new level and reduce stress and conflict.

There are some simple strategies we can use to make communicating with our partners better and more productive. Here are some important strategies to use that will help you communicate better with everyone!

Using “I” statements rather than “You” statements allows us to take personal responsibility for our own feelings and doesn’t place blame on our partner. When we say, “I feel angry when you speak to me like that,” this enables us to stand up for ourselves without attacking our partner. After all, it is our perception of what’s happening that we need to communicate to others.

Be direct and get to the point as clearly and respectfully as possible so we increase understanding and reduce confusion. This strategy helps us to keep it simple and allows us a chance to clarify without conflict.

Visual cues help us assess our effectiveness in communicating to our partner. Communication involves more than just what we say, it is also how we say it. Learning to read the body language and facial expressions of others, as well as of ourselves, will reduce conflict and keep our communication clearer.

Effective listening, not just hearing, is a strategy that will immediately make a difference in how we can better communicate in our relationships. Effective listening involves not interrupting others, but rather respectfully listening to them in order to understand how they feel, their perception or views of the situation, and really taking the time to hear them out. Waiting patiently to reply, even if we disagree, is a sign of respect and conveys to our partner that we have taken the time to process what they have said, because they are important me us. In relationships that are having difficulty with communication it is generally due to the lack of effective listening.

Being polite and respectful helps to reduce conflict and stress when we are communicating with our partners. Remembering to use our manners shows our partner that we care about our relationship and allows our partner a chance to calmly receive our message. Manners are important!

Staying positive and patient also conveys to our partner a sense of respect and a desire to reduce conflict while promoting cooperation and maybe even compromise. Since our goal is to improve our overall ability to communicate better with our partner, staying positive that an agreeable outcome will be reached and keeping patient while we both share in the discussion will create a calm environment without aggression to sabotage us.

Addressing the present situation or discussion will keep us on a productive path to better communicate what’s happening now. Keeping the discussion to the present issue only will allow us to need to come to a constructive solution; and blocks us from bringing up a past problem that will only make what’s happening now more of a conflict. Our partner will feel we truly care when our focus is on right now and how to solve this conflict or issue.

Communication is an important element in every relationship and we do it every day in so many ways. With some minor changes to how we are communicating with our partner, like using “I” statements rather than “You” statements, we can instantly make a remarkable difference in our relationships. It’s a life skill, and yes we even have to practice at it to get better and better. When we choose to take personal responsibility by communicating in a direct manner we are on the right course to happiness. Using visual cues and being a good listener can help us better understand our partner’s perspective and their feelings. Some little changes in how we communicate with our partner will encourage them to be more apt to effectively communicate back with us. Remembering to always be polite and respectful by staying positive and patient when communicating with our partner, and addressing only the present situation will allow us both to equally discuss without the drama!

©Copyright 2010 by Beth S. Pumerantz, MA, MS, LMFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Beth and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Helping children enjoy a more fruitful and enjoyable childhood is a central goal of many in the field of child therapy, and a study recently carried out at the Rush University Medical Center has made a considerable effort towards this end. The study showed that an inability to identify various non-verbal behavioral cues along with problems attaching meaning to these cues or translating this knowledge into a relevant problem-solving skill constituted primary triggers for social rejection among kids. The study may help improve tactics for school counselors and other related mental health workers.

Click here to contact Jim and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Your partner isn’t the problem, your BRAIN is! Imagine that. And the irony is that your brain is just doing its job! Alright, so here’s the deal: We have not just one, but three brains. One brain in particular–the limbic brain, otherwise known as the mammalian brain–often gets in our way when managing conflict.

A Nano View of the Three Brains:

The Reptilian Brain is the brain responsible for keeping us alive without having to think about it. It manages body temperature, pulse, respiration, heart rate, blood pressure, and many other autonomic functions.

The limbic system, or mammalian brain, is informally referred to as the three “F” brain—fight, flight, and sex (you get my point). It is the center of all emotions, and contains all the pleasure, pain, and addiction centers. This brain, however, is the culprit that gets in the way of managing conflict. The limbic brain is what allows us to react without having to think.

It’s how we automatically snatch our finger away from a hot burner without first having to determine whether or not we are at a barbeque. It’s a survival mechanism, and is responsible for the bulk of our reactivity. More on that later.

The third brain, the cortex, the largest of the three brains, occupies the space just beneath the skull. The prefrontal cortex, a portion of the larger cortex system, often referred to as the CEO of the brain, evolved from the limbic brain.

The pre-frontal cortex portion of our grey matter is responsible for deductions, reductions, decision making, thinking, abstracting, etc. Located right behind the forehead, this part of the brain is crucial for effective conflict management, as it is the part we literally think with.

The three brains do much more than I have outlined, but for our purposes here, this is all you need to know for now.

Now back to the limbic brain. This brain operates within us like a scanning dish—it is always on the lookout for danger. It stores and records every experience we have ever had. In a sense, it also rates our experiences. In other words, an intense past experience may trigger an intense reaction in a similar contemporary experience.

How the Limbic System Works and Why it Matters:

The limbic system senses danger—that’s its job. When danger is perceived or sensed, a particular part of the limbic system relays a signal to the adrenal glands to send adrenaline to the prefrontal cortex. Why? Because then the adrenaline shuts down the pre-frontal cortex, thereby inhibiting it from thinking. The body is further readied for action, which will generally result in one of two alternatives: standing ground and fighting or taking flight. In some situations, an individual may freeze.

One way to understand the relationship between the limbic brain and the prefrontal cortex is by way of ratio: the degree of limbic activity is usually inversely proportional to prefrontal activity. The more reactive (limbic) we are, the less we are in thinking (pre-frontal cortex) mode, and vice versa.

Therein lies the problem with regard to managing conflict: the limbic brain’s job is to be in opposition to the pre-frontal cortex’s job. Given that our brains are built to be at odds with each other makes trying to operate under stressful conditions and managing conflict understandably and predictably difficult! It often results in you, or your partner, saying or doing something inappropriate in a knee-jerk fashion.

The Limbic Brain and Managing Conflict:

Think of the last conflict you and your partner had that did not go well. What the conflict was about doesn’t matter for our purposes here, but how you conducted yourself matters a lot. Your discussion probably started off on a reasonably good note, but maybe it degenerated in to a mess. One or both of you yelled, got over-the-top-angry, maybe left the room, or said some things you would take back if you could, or accused, blamed, or called each other names. The list of ineffective behaviors is long.

Those ineffective tactics may be motivated by fear, or any feeling you find too painful to tolerate. The limbic brain will do its job to protect you in those instances. The resultant ineffective behaviors ultimately push your partner away in an attempt to reduce or eliminate the undesirable emotion. But, the conflict has not been resolved, it’s still there, ready to rear its ugly head in the future, actively or passively.

Couples frequently tell me, and each other, that they would have been more effective “if only he/she would not have…” Fill in your own blank here with whatever button of yours got pushed. The problem is, blaming your partner for your ineffective/reactive behavior makes your partner responsible for it, but your partner can’t change your behavior—only you can do that. Regardless of who pushed your buttons, when you take responsibility for your own ineffective behavior, you can change it. Simple as that.

With that in mind, you can then make a decision to calm the limbic brain so that you can INCREASE THINKING, AND REDUCE REACTING when in conflict. Ultimately, each partner must assume responsibility for their own effective, ineffective and reactive behavior.

How to Calm the Limbic Brain:

Simply knowing the role of the limbic brain isn’t enough. Now, you need to know how to calm it down. Many couples report the following three exercises are very helpful.

First, before you begin your talk about the issue bothering you, describe for your partner how you plan to comport yourself. You might say, “…honey, this is really a loaded topic for me, so this time I’m going to remain outwardly calm even if I’m not feeling calm inside. And if I get angry, rather than screaming at you, instead I’m going to report to you that I’m feeling angry, or hurt. I will speak in a softer voice; and instead of rolling my eyes after you recap what you heard me say, I will let you know if what you heard matched what I was trying to convey. And rather than calling you names, which I always regret afterwards, because I know that’s like throwing gasoline on a fire, instead I’m going to tell you what I am feeling.”

Second, state your goal or goals for the talk. Stating goals lets your partner understand your motives. It’s likely you each have different goals. In my office the other day, one highly reactive couple stated the following:

He said: “Believe it or not, my goal is to listen, and not give any solutions to you, because I know you feel angry when I do the fix-it thing. I guess my real goal is to show you I care about you by showing you that what you have to say matters to me, and the best way to do that is for me to listen, while you talk.”

She said: Thank you, your goals make me feel safe. My goal is to give you a chance to understand what I am saying by leaving room for you to recap what I’ve said, because my deeper goal is get out of my own way, and take responsibility for being understood. And, if you don’t hear what I was trying to tell you, I’ll say it again, in a different way,
rather than criticizing you for not getting it.”

Third, if you feel activated, and unable to achieve some calm, call for a time out. There is nothing wrong with taking a break, collecting your thoughts, and soothing your emotions. Activation not only comes in the form of feeling over-the-top-angry, you might experience yourself unable to think clearly, fumbling for words, or crying. After all, don’t lose sight of the fact that the limbic brain inhibits the pre-frontal cortex from doing its job: thinking.

If you cannot think, it is very difficult to express yourself in a way that will increase the odds of being understood. A time-out can dramatically reduce reactivity. By the way, there is nothing wrong with crying, or any other emotion in and of itself. There is a problem only when the intensity of the emotions precipitate ineffective behavior, and/or, they reduce your ability to think. Before the time-out begins, agree on a specific time to resume the conversation.

Those three methods for reducing reactivity are effective for both practical and neurological reasons. For practical purposes, they clue your partner in to what you want, and pave a clear path for making the discussion emotionally safe for both of you. Furthermore, when goals of any type are made verbal or explicit, the odds for achieving them go way up. Employing these methods also sends a direct message to partner that you are taking responsibility for your side of the street.

Neurologically, these methods send positive commands to the pre-frontal cortex. That is important because recent brain research suggests that the brain does not respond so well to ‘negative commands.’ A negative command comes in the form of telling yourself what NOT to do, rather than what TO do. When you focus only on what NOT to do you create another problem: not clarifying for yourself what to do instead. Therefore, turn your WILL NOT command in to a what-you-WILL-DO command. Now you have something to work with because the pre-frontal cortex is adequately engaged.

That is exactly what the couple above did when they used the first method for reducing reactivity. They each described the behavior they wanted to stop, and then verbalized the behavior they were going to replace it with. By the way, their discussion went very well!

Understanding the brain’s role in conflict management is new. Putting effort toward understanding the relationship between the limbic brain and the pre-frontal cortex, and managing them effectively, will net you much greater return on investment than struggling to control your partner’s behavior. Bottom line: when the limbic brain hijacks the prefrontal cortex, now you have some ways to reverse it.

Now it’s time to give your brain a positive command. Repeat after me: “In my next discussion with my spouse/partner, rather than trying to get my partner to behave in a particular way, I instead will manage my own behavior by reducing my own reactive (limbic) brain using any or all of the three methods I am now aware of.”

This takes practice, perseverance and the desire to put the necessary effort toward being the partner and person you aspire to be. You will never regret doing any of that.

©Copyright 2010 by Jim Hutt, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Jim and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Sarah and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Importance of Understanding

When someone understands us, we really appreciate it. It makes us feel positively toward our listener, even close. It gives us a chance to clarify our own thoughts and feelings as the other person reflects them back to us – we feel better. When parents understand their kids, these same benefits occur: the child feels closer to the parent and the child feels emotionally more settled from being heard. Listening is a gift we can give our kids – when we know how.

Not Understanding

Being misunderstood, on the other hand, feels awful. When we’re misunderstood, we experience a “disconnect” – our listener “doesn’t get us.” We don’t want to open up again to whoever misunderstands us because it is so unpleasant. When parents misunderstand their kids, it’s the same thing: it feels awful for the child and the youngster often withdraws, preferring to keep future thoughts and feelings to him or herself. By the time a youngster reaches the teen years he or she may have concluded that being understood by parents is out of reach and therefore there is no point in trying to communicate.

However, parents don’t intentionally misunderstand their kids. They love their kids and try to help them. In fact, the “misunderstanding” often comes about precisely because of this love. All too often, parents want to skip the understanding step and go right to the advice step: “Do your homework if you want to get good grades – you shouldn’t be on the phone so much.” “You need to pick better friends.” “You should make more of an effort to make plans for the weekend.” And so on and so forth. While parental advice is often valid and important to offer our kids, timing is everything. Advice comes AFTER understanding in any conversation.

How to Show Understanding

Understanding involves naming a child’s feelings. Suppose a child has accidentally dropped a plate on the floor, smashing it to tiny bits. A good first understanding response could be something like “Oh my! What a loud crash! That’s scary.” If a child gets a poor mark on a test that he studied hard for, an understanding response might be, “Oh, that’s frustrating isn’t it?” If a child expresses upset to a parent by saying, “You’re so mean!” the parent can reflect back, “I know you’re very mad at me. I know you don’t think I’m being fair.” After naming such feelings, the parent can teach the child a better, more respectful way to express emotions or do any other normal parenting intervention. The naming of feelings – the first step – forges a close bond between parent and child and helps the child accept guidance more easily.

When naming feelings, refrain from using the word “but” in the same sentence. Just name the feeling and then put a “period” at the end. Start a new sentence when you want to give information. For instance, “I know you don’t want to go to swimming lessons today. The lesson starts in half an hour, so we have to leave quickly,” or “I know it’s frustrating to have to wait your turn. He’ll be off the computer in a few minutes and then you can go on.” In other words, it’s fine for parents to acknowledge a child’s feelings without changing what they plan to do. It is still valuable for the child to feel understood even when she doesn’t get her way.

Consistently naming a child’s feelings before doing or saying anything else is a powerful way to help build a child’s emotional intelligence. It helps reduce conflict and it helps forge a strong parent-child bond. Showing understanding in this way is an act of love that parents can generously offer their kids. Both child and parent will benefit.

©Copyright 2009 by Sarah Chana Radcliffe, M.Ed., C. Psych. Assoc. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Sarah and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Pam and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Somehow you have ended up on the wrong side of the “whose fault was it” argument with your spouse. You know it was your fault but you have lots of really good reasons why you acted like you did. Plus, you were well intentioned and actually only said those things because your partner needed to hear them. Nonetheless, you can see that there is a breach in the relationship and if you don’t do a repair, you are not going to like the icy silence or hot reproachful words that come back. So, it is time for an apology—to eat crow, “fess up,” or bow low to ask for a pardon.

Actually, I find myself in this position more than I like to admit. In all honesty, I don’t like to apologize. Sometimes, I have trouble getting my attitude right so my words don’t sound very sincere. At other times, I simply do not think I’m the one in the wrong. I will begin to list the ways I am right, with sound reasons, wonderful logic, and a clear sense of righteousness on my side. As you might guess, that doesn’t work either.

As a marriage counselor, I have learned the art of apology from my clients and from my training. None of this came natural for me. I have learned to take several deep breaths and tell myself to listen to what my husband’s concerns are before I respond. Over the years, I have learned to stop providing all the really good reasons why, in fact, I am not wrong because sometimes I am wrong.

Then I remind myself of the ABC’s of an apology:

Always Be Calm: Take several deep breaths and remember what’s at stake. Calming your nervous system and reducing your heart rate will help keep you from blurting out something you’ll regret later. Hearing your partner and thinking about the validity of their statements is so much easier if you are calm.

Avoid Being Critical: While it is natural to think of all those times your partner has been wrong, this is not the time to bring them up. Heaping criticism onto your partner will only confuse the issue and cause tension to increase.

Accept Blame Civilly: Be gracious and humble. Use those polite words your mom always wanted you to use. Here are some examples:

1. I really blew that one. Let me try it again.
2. Oops! How can I make things better?
3. Let me start over again. I think I went too far.
4. I really don’t want to be bossy with you. I can see how I came across that way. Sorry.
5. Look, your feelings are important to me. I shouldn’t have said what I said. I hope we are OK now.

And lastly, be kind to yourself. It’s OK to be wrong sometimes. John Wooden, basketball’s coaching legend and Hall of Famer, led the Bruins at UCLA to 88 consecutive winning games. But he knew that one of the secrets of success is to be accepting of failure as well. He famously said: “If you’re not making mistakes, then you’re not doing anything.”

©Copyright 2009 by Pamela Lipe, MS, LP. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Pam and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Jim and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Your conflicts sometimes lead to painful or bitter fights. When all is said and done after your difference du jour, you both feel frustrated, hurt, dejected and misunderstood. You both know you will repeat your familiar but painful scenario in the near future; it’s a matter of when, not if. You feel helpless and confused, and have no idea how to break the pattern you faithfully, but regrettably, repeat. In the end, the refrain is the same: “You just don’t understand!” This article is about how to change that.

We all want to be heard and understood. When we’re not, all too often we blame our partner for it. However, the responsibility for being understood begins on your own side of the street, not your partner’s. Unwittingly, you undercut being understood when under stress.

Ironically, you probably ‘know’ what constitutes effective and ineffective behavior when hashing out an issue. And yet, ineffective stuff easily surfaces. For example, calling your partner a derogatory name seldom leads to your partner feeling safe, but you do it anyway, with predictable consequences.

This happens, in part, because emotional states tend to trump clear thinking. Keeping emotional reactivity low can be a challenge. Humans run from pain much faster than doing the crucial work that leads them toward pleasure. Why? Our brains are wired to run from danger and pain. It’s a survival reflex.

Ineffective behavior in the service of decreasing your pain reduces emotional safety. In short, a relationship is only as emotionally safe as the partner who feels the least safe.

Winning and setting the record (facts) straight in an argument also inhibits being understood. When couples decide to join their lives together, they believe their union is a team. Introduce conflict in to your day-to-day lives, and voila, it may feel like you’re on opposing teams! Amazing, isn’t it? How often have you said to yourself, your partner or a friend, “when we fight, I can never win”? Or, “I knew I married Mr./Ms. Right, I just didn’t know his/her first name was ‘always’!”

Being right during a conflict goes hand in hand with winning. Ultimately, the result is the same. The ‘right’ one feels good, and the ‘wrong’ one feels bad. The net effect: distance and a failure to produce emotional safety and relationship closeness.

So, here’s what to do instead of pounding a nail in to your shoe. What if you did some things completely different, such as the following: 1) gave up being right and winning; 2) spoke with honesty; 3) talked about yourself. These elements keep connection during conflict, lead to being understood, and promote emotional safety. OK, now, suspend disbelief, take a deep breath, give it a shot, try any or all, and see what happens.

Here are examples of each:

1) Giving Up Being Right and Winning

Your partner says something like this (I know you wouldn’t, right?): “You NEVER do what I ask, even the smallest, simplest thing! You ALWAYS ignore me!” (Here’s a hint for you that will take the “u” out of clueless–NEVER and ALWAYS are not meant to be taken literally. NEVER and ALWAYS point out the intensity of the emotions or feelings accompanying the complaint–NEVER and ALWAYS are qualitative, not quantitative. DO NOT take “never” and “always” literally. Got it? Excellent!)

HERE’S YOUR OLD, TIME TESTED AND HONORED, DEEPLY GROOVED PATTERN RESPONSE, BASED ON YOUR DESIRE TO BE RIGHT, SO YOU CAN WIN, SO THAT YOUR SEX LIFE REMAINS DORMANT, IF NOT DEAD:

“Yes I do. In fact on January 4, 2001 when you asked me to take the garbage out, I did it, and I didn’t even sulk. And right now, I am, in fact, listening to you, or I would not have been able to remember when I took the garbage out. So, I don’t know what your problem is. By the way, why do you always say “always” and “never” when you know they’re never true? I don’t get it”

No, YOU don’t get it, but that’s OK, because you’re only human, too. try the following alternative response. Take a risk, stretch, give it a shot, see what happens.

HERE’S YOUR NEW, NOT TIME TESTED, NOT PART OF A DEEPLY GROOVED PATTERN, BUT BASED ON YOUR DESIRE TO UNDERSTAND AND CONNECT WITH YOUR PARTNER, SO THAT HE/SHE WILL BE MORE COMPASSIONATE WHEN PICKING OUT YOUR NURSING HOME, NEW RESPONSE:

“Wow, it sounds like you’re telling me maybe I’m not as reliable as I like to think I am, and, when you try to tell me about it, I really don’t want to hear it, so I shut you down with an air-tight counter-argument. And now, you sound really irritated and hurt.”

That is what giving up being right and winning looks like when morphed into understanding looks like.

2) Honesty

Honesty is the best policy. Well, at least that’s what we’re told. Notice I didn’t say that’s what we’re taught. That’s because, by and large, in this culture, we are not taught how to be honest, we’re simply told to be honest. In fact, we are told to be honest, but are taught/shown how to be dishonest, an implicit double message.

Bullwash, you say. Well, maybe, but here’s a test: What was NOT talked about in your family of origin? Did your parents/step-parents/caregivers talk openly about sensitive issues like sex, eroticism and love, and the connection between them? Were emotions talked about? Was it acceptable and safe to express your thoughts & feelings?

Was it safe to honestly tell family members what you thought and felt–in other words, was the price of honesty low enough to reinforce honest, effective communication when you were a kid, especially when there were differences?

Did mom and dad display their ability to listen and understand each other respectfully?

If you were the bearer of ‘bad news,’ such as a less than stellar report card, or you lobbed a baseball through a window, or you got a ticket, was it safe to come clean, even if a bit reluctantly? Could you question parental authority (appropriately) without repercussion simply because you questioned?

That is a short list. There are countless family of origin situations that either promote or discourage honesty. If your answers lean more toward “no” than “yes,” lies of omission may pepper your current relationship more than you are aware. If so, there’s a good chance your partner will not understand you. Why? Because information withheld or omitted prevents understanding.

Here’s an example of a dishonest exchange, i.e., replete with omissions, followed by its honest counter-part:

A DISHONEST EXCHANGE looks like the following. Here’s the scenario: You really want to confront your partner. He/she was drunk at a party the night before. This is a recurring event. You were embarrassed and humiliated, and today you feel hurt and angry, and now you’re worried that he/she may, indeed, be an alcoholic. Bringing up a thorny topic has always been difficult for you–a part of you is afraid of conflict. There was alcoholism in your family of origin. Conflict was seldom managed effectively.

A dishonest exchange looks like this:

YOU: “Did you have fun at the party last night, you seemed to have a good time?”

PARTNER: “I had a great time! Did you?”

YOU: “It was OK, not great. Sometimes being around all that drinking gets kind of old.”

PARTNER: “Hey, what’s the big deal, it’s a party, right? That’s what parties are about.”

YOU: “I know, but still, it would be nice if it were different, that’s all I’m saying.” (Nice and safe, didn’t scratch the surface, no understanding achieved.).

An HONEST EXCHANGE looks like this:

YOU: “Honey, I want to talk with you about the party last night. It was not fun for me. In fact, there were several times I felt terribly embarrassed and humiliated. When I think back on it today, I am very hurt, angry and scared. I am afraid that there is alcoholism in our house, just like when I was a kid. I don’t want to ignore it in our marriage like my parents ignored it in theirs. Please, can we talk about this and do something about it? (Safe, non-reactive, but direct, clear, honest expression of feeling and experience).

PARTNER: “Wow, this is really hard stuff to hear. Part of me feels really defensive right now. But another part of me knows there’s some truth in what you’re saying. I really don’t want to see myself as a drunk, but I know I really lose it sometimes. I’m sorry I did those things last night–I can see how you’d feel. Do you honestly think our marriage is like your parents’?

YOU: “I don’t know, that’s the problem. All I know is, I won’t live like they did. I told myself it would never happen to me, but I’m so scared that it’s happening anyway!”

PARTNER: “I feel really weird saying this to you, but the truth is, I’ve secretly been worried about my drinking for a while now. I didn’t want to tell you that because I thought you might kick me out. I’ve been worried about that, too!”

YOU: “I am SO relieved to hear to hear you say that! I don’t want to kick you out, although, there have been times when I’ve thought about it –maybe we can find a way to kick the alcohol out.

The differences between the two scenarios above are numerous and hopefully, obvious. It isn’t necessarily easy or comfortable having open, honest exchanges similar to the one above. But they work! Developing the ability to have them is crucial to a long and happy relationship. Remember, all the external communication tools and skills are ineffective unless you have the internal ability to risk being honest. Sometimes that requires professional counseling.

3) Talk About Yourself

Being understood also requires you talk about yourself. I am not referring to an egocentric or unhealthy narcissism. Talking about yourself means not talking about your partner. Quite simply, if you want to be understood, talking about someone else makes no sense. It’s impossible to be understood if you’re talking about your partner.

If you and your sibling each broke a leg in a car crash, which leg would you talk about if you wanted your experience to be understood? Yours, of course. It is virtually the same with you and your partner. When you want your partner to understand you, chances are the more you talk about your partner the less you will be understood. Here’s the deal: TALK ABOUT YOURSELF.

Easier said than done, you’re right, and here is why: Chances are, the model of conflict management you grew up with included watching and/or listening to parents talk about the other, rather than themselves. Accusations, blaming, name-calling, making the other ‘wrong,’ are but a few of the ways partners/parents talk about the other.

If either parent was conflict averse, and could not be honest (a la the example above) there’s a good chance neither felt understood. You may have carried a similar pattern into adulthood.

What does talking about yourself look like? Let’s use the example above (HONESTY) for reference:

NOT TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF EXCHANGE looks like this:

YOU: “Did you have fun at the party last night–you seemed to have a good time?” (Instead of telling your partner about yourself, you focus on your partner).

PARTNER: “I had a great time! Did you?” (Doesn’t really understand what you are actually trying to say because you are not saying it).

YOU: “It was OK, not great. Sometimes being around all that drinking gets kind of old.” (This is vague and indirect, and does not convey your true experience).

PARTNER: “Hey, what’s the big deal, it’s a party, right? That’s what parties are about.” (Doesn’t tell you anything about his inner thoughts about his/her drinking).

YOU: “I know, but still, it would be nice if it were different, that’s all I’m saying.” (Omits any feelings or thoughts that reflect inner experience that would facilitate being understood).

TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF EXCHANGE looks like this:

YOU: “Honey, I want to talk with you about the party last night. It was not fun for me. In fact, there were several times I felt terribly embarrassed and humiliated. When I think back on it today, I am very hurt, angry and scared. I am afraid that there is alcoholism in our house, just like when I was a kid. I don’t want to ignore it in our marriage like my parents ignored it in theirs. Please, can we talk about this and do something about it? (There is no blaming, accusing, name-calling, or talking about the partner. Everything that was said is clear, direct, honest, and about the person speaking).

PARTNER: “Wow, this is really hard stuff to hear. Part of me feels really defensive right now. But another part of me knows I should be concerned too. I really don’t want to see myself as a drunk, but I know I really lose it sometimes. I’m sorry I did those
things last night–I get how you’d feel. Do you honestly think our marriage is like your parents’? (No defensiveness; clear, direct, honest expression and ownership of his/her own thoughts, feelings and behavior. These responses clearly tell the other partner it is safe to have a talk about about a difficult topic–definitely talking about about self).

YOU: “I don’t know, that’s the problem. All I know is, I won’t live like they did. I told myself it would never happen to me, but I’m so scared that it’s happening anyway!” (Again, talking only about self).

PARTNER: “I feel really weird saying this to you, but the truth is, I’ve secretly been about my drinking for a while now. I didn’t want to tell you that because I thought you might kick me out. I’ve been worried about that, too!” (Again, talking only about self).

YOU: “I am SO relieved to hear to hear you say that! I don’t want to kick you out, although, there have been times when I’ve thought about it–maybe we can find a way to kick the drinking out. (Again, talking only about self).

Give these a shot, ask each other for support in attempting different ways of being honest. Let go of being right and winning for a day–try it on. Take a risk, if even for one short conversation, to be deeply honest (not to be confused with hostile, brutal honesty).

Talk about yourself, your own feelings and experiences, absent blaming, accusing and name-calling.

Being understood is your responsibility, not your partner’s. The more patience, effort and repetition you put toward giving up being right/winning, honesty and talking about yourself, the greater likelihood for healthy connection. Chances are, your next conflict may not end with the words “you just don’t understand.”

©Copyright 2009 by Jim Hutt, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Jim and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Imagine that a friend is having a heated verbal argument with his wife. You’re watching from the couch. He turns to you and asks for your input. You hesitate, and then say you really don’t want to be involved. It doesn’t seem to you that there’s any solution that would be acceptable to both people or that is otherwise possible. Friend and spouse then tell you they really want your input, so you think for a moment and suggest they look instead for alternative strategies to resolve the matter. The couple then comes up with a few different ways of resolving the issue. Ah, you think, that was a good idea. You throw in a few more possible strategies. They nod in agreement and proceed to use several of the approaches. Yes, you think, now we’re getting somewhere — but wait a minute, their voices are rising. They’re using all of their own strategies and yours too, but look angrier than ever!

What happened?

Well, according to researchers at Arizona State University (ASU) – and counter to what we might consider the common logic of using many strategies for conflict resolution — people in conflict may actually become angrier and more frustrated the more strategies they use. A new ASU study suggests that limiting strategies is less likely to result in escalating anger, when the conflict seems unresolvable, even though we may believe that to be unhelpful rigidity.

This shouldn’t be confused with the idea that we should limit our options for solutions. No one is advising that. It also doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try various strategies when it seems like a resolution is possible.

Instead, if there doesn’t seem to be a solution that would be acceptable to both parties engaged in an argument after they’ve used one or two strategies already, it might well be best to let the argument go. According to Danielle Roubinov, an ASU doctoral student in clinical psychology, “Although being flexible in how you respond to different situations may be beneficial, continuously trying different ways to work out the same situation may lead to greater anger, frustration, and an unhealthier biological response.”

Sixty-five undergraduate students were participants in the research led by Melissa Hagan, a doctoral student, and Linda Luecken, associate professor of psychology, and Roubinov. Participants role-played a stressful situation with a research assistant (RA) regarding a fictional dispute between a neighbor, the RA, who was purportedly playing loud music with a request to turn the music down. The “neighbor” followed the script by refusing to cooperate. Seven different strategies were suggested by the research team, including problem-solving and threatening. Participants who chose to use a greater number of the strategies showed more anger and frustration in both facial expressions and cortisol levels, an indication of health risk, than did participants who used fewer strategies.

In reality, a good analysis of whether the issue can be resolved is called for. In the study, the other person was clearly uncooperative. In such situations, a quick analysis might show you that there isn’t going to be any acceptable solution. You can then save your breath from the effort.

In more ambiguous situations, the analysis might be a difficult or even stressful task in itself, especially while personally engaged in conflict with someone else. Still, it appears that learning to tell the difference between an interpersonal issue that can be solved and one that probably can’t could be very helpful in future conflicts. A skilled therapist can help you do this if you want some assistance in learning to recognize those situations.

You might also want to look at whether you tend to persist in arguments, despite a feeling that the problem isn’t going to be solved. You may need to learn how to stop arguments that aren’t going anywhere. Finally, you might want to examine whether you rarely or never stop arguing long enough to think about whether the conflict is resolvable. If you see that you don’t take that time to analyze, learning to do so might be helpful too. In conflict situations which are unlikely to have a solution, only you can decide if the stress is worth the anger, frustration and health risks, but some help from a good therapist can provide you with the feedback, discussion and practice needed to master the described skills.

Bibliography
Arizona State University (2009, March 8). Flexible Approach To Acute Conflict Results In More Frustration and Anger, Study Shows. ASU web site at

http://clas2.asu.edu/news_article?node=6971

©Copyright 2009 by GoodTherapy.org All Rights Reserved. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Jolyn and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile.

Click here to contact Jim and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Yelling at Children

This is a topic that has meaning for everyone. All of us have raised our voices, probably more than once. No, I did not come from a home of screaming parents or siblings. However, I do see many families and couples who yell a lot at each other, and the short and long-term consequences of regular yelling/screaming are not pretty. Those of you who experience yelling know what I’m talking about.

Let’s start with the impact of yelling at children:

First, it teaches them how to yell, when to yell, and that yelling is an effective response to emotionally charged situations. By extension, it teaches them an ineffective way to process anger, as anger is usually associated with yelling.

Second, yelling scares most children—the younger the child, often the more fear they feel. In a state of fear it is next to impossible for a child to think about their mistake or misbehavior. If a child cannot think about their mistake, a child cannot learn from their mistake.

Third, regularly yelling at a child before the age of 3 or 4, or before they have an expansive developmental use of language, teaches them to replace useful language with yelling. In other words, a child will not learn useful, effective expression when yelling is their model. The short version is, ‘if mom and/or dad yell, then so can I.’ They are too young to know better.

Back to the fear induced by a yelling parent. Children are far less likely to learn the lesson you want them to learn when they are afraid. Instead of the lesson they might otherwise learn from natural, appropriate consequences associated with their mistake, they learn to be afraid. Fearful children often grow up to be fearful adults and parents. Sometimes they grow up to be yellers. No surprise.

Helplessness

Not only is yelling learned from our own parents in some cases, it also means a parent probably feels helpless. It is a sign that a parent does not know a more effective alternative at that moment. Helplessness is a very powerful feeling, and when the brain reads the ‘helpless signal,’ so to speak, it will do almost anything to reduce it. The antidote to helplessness begins with a four step process, which will aide in reducing/stopping yelling at the kids:

First, make a conscious, verbal decision to stop.

Second, make the commitment to learn the skills necessary for replacing yelling with effective responses. Go to The Love and Logic Institute, and invest in their parenting CD’s, books & DVD’s. From that material you can learn those skills (no, I do not get residuals for recommending their remarkable material, but I’d appreciate it if you would tell them I sent you!). All you need to know about replacing yelling, and learning how to really enjoy parenting is there. OK, now that’s your skills toolbox. But, now you have to reduce the reactivity that precedes your yelling–that’s the hard part. Parents who effectively manage their emotional reactivity do not tend to yell.

Third, if reactivity (which I will say more about below) and anger are problems for you, which frequently is the case with chronic yellers, professional counseling may be your best investment.

Fourth, try this new thought as a guide to changing your thinking about yelling as you consider making your decision to stop: There is nothing a child can do that calls for yelling at them—unless it will literally save their life.

By the way, in 29 years of practice, I’ve never met a parent who remarked: “Boy, do I regret not yelling a my kid, what a mistake that was.”

Yelling at your Spouse / Partner

Yelling at your spouse/partner induces fear, just as it does in a child. Brain research has shown that it is very difficult to think while in a state of fear. If you want your partner to think about what you say, the odds for that increase when you speak in a way that does not produce fear. When your partner hears yelling, the brain reads it as DANGER, and your partner experiences fear. It (the brain) immediately goes in to some degree of fight or flight mode—how much depends on the amount of perceived threat. The behavior from your partner at that point will probably range from yelling back/defensiveness (fight mode) to silence/withdrawal (flight mode). Neither will produce a satisfactory outcome.

Fight mode is sometimes referred to as “reactive.” In fight or reactive mode we tend to say things we regret or wish we could take back, which, of course calls for repair. Part of this pattern often includes your partner reacting defensively and/or critically when yelled at. That defensiveness triggers more frustration, anger and lashing out. Without knowing what to do, or how to respond differently, the cycle is repeated, and both partners suffer and struggle with a broken or unsatisfactory conflict management process. The next time an issue surfaces it will be anticipated with dread.

Flight mode is also referred to as silence/withdrawal. In flight mode, two common options arise: One, you either do not know what to say due shutting down with fear; or, two, you may know exactly what you want to say, but, you say nothing because a part of you believes that what you think and/feel is unimportant, so why bother. Either way you have no voice. In the end, both you and your partner are probably angry, hurt, disappointed and frustrated, and blaming the other for the “breakdown in communication.”

More accurately, there was no “breakdown in communication,” per se. In fact, there was plenty of communication, too much of it ineffective. More significant was the breakdown in reactivity management. All the good communication skills in the tool bag will be of little use in the face of unchecked or poorly managed reactivity. Why might professional counseling helpful at this point? Because chronic ineffectively managed reactivity almost always has some roots in our early history. A competent marital therapist can help connect early roots to current events, finish some old business, and help you develop reactivity management alternatives.

An Alternative to Yelling

I am aware that many of you prefer counseling as a last resort. If that’s the case, on your own, try the following:

1. Before you begin your discussion, each of you verbally acknowledge your willingness to break the pattern that is not working. It might sound like this: “The last time we discussed this, I did not react effectively. I am going to try some new behaviors.”

2. Next, each of you openly acknowledge to your partner how you aspire to be during the discussion. If you tend to be the yeller, acknowledge that you aspire to be calm, and what new behavior you plan to employ if you begin to feel activated. You might say, for example, “I’m starting to feel like I want to yell, my frustration is building, I would like to stop for a few minutes so that I can get calm again.” THAT WOULD BE NEW BEHAVIOR. If you begin to feel activated, take responsibility for it—do not blame your partner. What ever new behavior you decide to try, let it be known in advance of the discussion. No surprises, unless they’re pleasant ones.

3. Hold yourself to the healthy code of conduct to which you aspire; let your partner do the same for him/herself. How you aspire to be is all you have control over.

4. In advance, put a time limit on the length of the discussion. If you each feel comfortable continuing on, agree to another time limit. Repeat as necessary.

5. When either of you call for a time out, especially to lower your reactivity, decide on a time to resume. This reduces the chances of avoiding your way out of the discussion entirely.

6. After the discussion, and only if you both agree to, analyze YOUR own respective roles in how the discussion went. Talk about yourself, unless complimenting your partner. Determine where you might become more effective, and tell your partner. Focus on your behavior, not your partner’s.

Good luck in your attempts to break this difficult pattern. It’s not easy. The fact that you made an attempt builds trust and self confidence.

Wishing you a satisfying relationship, Jim

©Copyright 2008 by Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Jim and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Delyse and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Intimacy speaks to something shared between individuals who trust and respect each other. A connection that is transparent and honest, that takes courage. Feeling close to someone can be manufactured out of illusion and characterized by a disquiet that leaves one feeling unsure of the closeness. Sharing similarities can be part of developing closeness and intimacy as long as it is not a habit to avoid differences. Self-differentiation, defined as the ability to stand in one’s own space with out taking over the other, is commonly viewed as an important aspect of intimacy. On the other hand, spiritual intimacy involves dissolving boundaries and ego identity into a cosmic oneness. Perhaps this speaks to the way intimacy cannot occur with a strong protection of the ego. There needs to be a ‘taking in’ of each other.

My particular definition of intimacy states that it is a shared physical and/or emotional space where there is an exchange that furthers an understanding of each other and your connection to one another. Intimacy results in an experience of being known by the other. This exchange occurs at it’s deepest when there is a focus on what occurs between you. In other words, being a confidant while it may produce a feeling of closeness has much less impact on your personal understanding of each other or your relationship to one another. So in this exchange we could say that the deepest intimacy occurs when you are able to say to the other what you cannot say to anyone else. This relates to the intimate dialogue.

Sharing direct experience of each other typically evokes feelings of anxiety as we are faced with the different-ness of the other. I believe this is due to experiencing the possibility of truly being seen by our beloved as we express our experience. When we feel close due to similarities and agreements we don’t have to feel the possibility of our individuality being in question, or even worse rejected. To be seen can go either way, accepted or rejected. However, relationships and connections to others are crucial to our self-development. We cannot be truly seen if we are in isolation, and if we are not seen there is no mirror in which to process our reflection. The trepidation in which we approach an intimate dialogue reflects the pain of our shame. After all what do we believe others will see if at our core we only see failure and inadequacy, and yet, our shame cannot be transformed until it is witnessed and processed through the heart of another. There is the awful dilemma.

Engaging in intimate dialogue can be like venturing into unknown dangerous territory. You don’t quite know what you will encounter or whether you will make it back out in one piece. However, the discoveries you can make can be priceless and transformative. So it can be when we venture to open our self to another. As we stand before our partner and prize open our trembling heart entrusting it to their goodwill and care, we don’t know what will happen. Intimate dialogue does not necessarily come easily, we have to work hard to help the other person understand us, keep in check our emotional reactions that cause us to want to storm away or attack, and learn to patiently listen to their often clumsy expressions or uncomfortable feelings towards us. So attempting to be intimate can go awry, you could just as easily end up in your separate corners than feel closer with a deeper understanding.

Of course practicing helps. Just like climbing a mountain regular exercise is going to make it easier and give you confidence that you can deal with the terrain. Many couples that come in to see me are out of practice or just don’t understand how important it is to communicate in this way. The later are often couples where their lives have gone on for many years seemingly content. They never argue and report that they get along well, often doing many things together. Why would they open themselves to the possibility of disrupting all of that? Yet here they are in my office because they feel disconnected and have lost their passion for each other. There is deadness between them.

To practice deepening intimacy first requires lovers to practice an attitude of respect. This begins with a realization that the other is a separate individual. This may sound obvious but what it requires is acceptance of the other and their experience as legitimate. When we are communicating about what occurs between us and the effect we have on each other the impact of our partners can be anything from frustrating to painful or shaming. Once respect has been lost intimacy is not possible because both parties are invading each other in an attempt to change the other. Our desire to change them may come from a place of not feeling respected or from simply not accepting they have different ways of doing and being in the world. Either way we want them to stop doing what they are doing and stop now. Respect allows the other to be who they are and change at their own pace. Respect means inhibiting our desire to invade. This takes practice and is the practice of love to acknowledge and repair the moments of invasion between you.

Approaching each other with respect helps shape the communication with responsibility for your own actions and feelings. When each partner speaks from his or her experience there is often less defensiveness, which allows for more understanding. You can take in more of what the other is saying. A simple ‘formula’ to practice is ‘ when you (…) I experience (…. ). This can apply to saying loving affectionate sentiments as well as frustrations and disappointments For eg a positive expression would be ‘when you (——) I feel warm all over and it makes me smile’. A negative expression would be along the lines of ‘when you (….) I feel like I want to throttle you! To acknowledge that you want to invade (throttle you!) is not the same as invading which would be to say ‘can’t you just keep quiet! Silencing is a way to ‘throttle’ them.

In ‘taking in’ the other we also need to refrain from taking responsibility for them. Another aspect of respect is to resist being a caretaker. Sometimes no matter how a person expresses their experience as their own responsibility, to some, the mere existence of the other evokes a need to take responsibility for them. In other words, the above formula is not foolproof. However, it provides a good place to start and practice from. Another issue that can get in the way of taking in the perspective of others is when our sense of self is fragile and our partner’s perspective brings up a fear that we be engulfed. Couples, who hold on tightly to their perspective as being right, are an example of how this may occur.

Deepening intimacy is a continuous process that takes practice. One that involves developing respect and being aware of the many ways we can invade each other, taking responsibility for oneself, and learning to share yourself in an open and forthright manner. Click here to contact Delyse and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

©Copyright 2008 by Delyse Ledgard, MA, RCC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry.

Click here to contact Barbi and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

There are plenty of articles out there from relationship experts encouraging the rules of good communication, but rarely does anyone tell us what to do when we have practiced those rules and our partner continues to act unreasonably.

Standing up for yourself is an important relationship skill. But often what we think is standing up for ourselves is actually being critical of our partner and trying to convince them that they are “wrong”. This approach usually does not work because your partner is so busy defending themselves that your message is lost. You are NOT powerful when you are critical; instead you give your power away due to the damage it does to your relationship.

Giving others the benefit of the doubt when they seem to be doing something “wrong” is typically a better reaction than blaming, shaming, judging or criticizing. It’s important that we say, “Hmmm, I wonder what my partner was thinking when he promised to take out the trash and didn’t for the third day in a row” as opposed to “How lazy is he? I’m going to really lay into him this time!”

Instead of attempting to prove your partner wrong (or lazy) in an attempt to stand up for yourself, the alternative is to ask your partner to consider your needs and work with you to negotiate something that is best for the relationship. However, if asking your partner to meet you halfway doesn’t work then it’s time to insist on it.

This can be easier said than done! If you are reasonable when your loved one behaves unreasonably you inadvertently teach them that their behavior is acceptable to you. It does not do you any good to let your partner be disrespectful to you. It erodes not only your self-regard, but your partner’s as well.

There is often no absolute “right” or “wrong” when it comes to behavior. In your reality, which is made up of your belief systems, your relationships, and your past and present experiences, you are completely “right.” But in your partner’s reality he or she is also “right”. It’s often best to forget right and wrong and instead make a commitment to meet in the middle with understanding and compassion for both realities.

If your partner bullies you to get their own way and you give in, you may avoid conflict in the short-term but you will build resentment and your relationship will suffer in the long term. When you can stand up for yourself you never have to build resentment because you know you can require your partner to consider your feelings when you need to.

Here are 7 steps for standing up for yourself:

1) When your partner behaves unreasonably, first try giving them the benefit of the doubt. Instead of telling yourself your partner is a jerk, try assuming that there is a good explanation. Then maintain a curious stance, asking your partner to help you understand what lead them to behave that way. If you keep an open mind and listen for how your partner’s behavior makes sense (at least in their reality) you may come to a new understanding of your partner. Besides, how can you expect your partner to see your side if you do not do the same?

2) If you approach your partner with a nonjudgmental attitude and they become attacking, defensive, or otherwise unreasonable, keep calm and continue to approach your partner with curiosity instead of disdain, letting them know that you are trying to work with them. They likely will not see right away that you are doing something new and may try to draw you into your old pattern.

3) If, despite your best efforts to give the benefit of the doubt, your partner continues to be unresponsive, critical, or disrespectful, it’s time to ask your partner to consider your feelings. Tell him or her that you aren’t necessarily looking to get your way completely, but that you are asking to find some middle ground that takes into account your feelings as well as your partner’s own.

4) If at this point your partner still refuses to listen or is critical of you, it’s time to insist on being heard. Get angry if you need to. Let your partner know that their behavior is not OK with you and that you need to work together to come up with solutions that work for you both. Don’t be willing to accept anything less.

5) If you are still not getting an acceptable response, refuse to engage any further. It can be pointless to keep at this if you aren’t getting anywhere. If your partner is behaving disrespectfully and you stay and try to reason with them, you are teaching them it’s OK to treat you poorly. Rebuff your partner for now.

6) Take a time out and go cool off. Do something that soothes you such as listening to music, petting the dog, or walking around the block. Do NOT sit there and ruminate about what a jerk your partner is or get on the phone with a friend to tell them what a jerk your partner is. This will only build resentment. Tell yourself that it makes sense that your partner will not easily let go of what they want, just as you won’t, and try not to make a huge deal about it.

7) Return when you are ready and ask to try again. Know that you can repeat the steps from the beginning, continuing to stand up for yourself as necessary, so there is no need to panic, or attack or shame your partner into seeing things your way.

If you are dealing with a domestic violence situation, these guidelines likely do not make sense for you. Please seek out counseling and/or call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. Emotional and physical safety in the relationship is a prerequisite to using this skill. If domestic violence is not an issue and you find these tips difficult to do, contact a marriage and family therapist in your area to help you with this important relationship skill.

©Copyright 2008 by Barbi Pecenco, MA. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Barbi and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact David and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Why was the TV show, Seinfeld so popular? A sitcom that was self declared about “nothing’ yet so funny, why? In the episodes, the characters never said what they really meant, were emotionally dishonest, and often played head games. Could it be the reality was life-like and in its exaggerated form, we laugh at ourselves? Was Jerry and company’s coping skills really working for them or is there a better way?

Have you ever been so mad at your employer that you did something to get even? Being late for a meeting, talking about them behind their back, being overly critical, not doing your best, spreading gossip, or taking extended lunch breaks; these are example of acting-out behavior. Where does this behavior originate and what can management do about it?

During times of conflict, there are several methods of expression; such as being aggressive, passive, passive-aggressive, or assertive. Some of these behaviors destroy relationships; only one style strengthens them; suitable for personal as well as work place environments.

Aggressive is the attack mode; it is in your face attitude either physically or emotionally. War is aggressive behavior where the causalities are deadly, but in relationships, the wounds are emotional. In the aggressive mode, the intent is to win at all costs and the price of victory is calculated after the battle when the bodies are counted or in the hollow distance of an emotional wound.

Battles like this happen every day in war-torn countries. Although not as bloody, emotional wounds occur on jobsites where managers control with power, bending others to their will. The command and control style of leadership is a lot about having a winner and a loser, where management thinks aggressiveness is the key to effectiveness.

On Friday night’s high school football game, you have witnessed the fear in a young football player’s face who knows he has incurred the displeasure of his intimidating coach as he slowly trots back to the bench after missing the tackle that allowed the other team to score. He knows of the tirade of condemnation that follows such transgressions and emotionally braces for the onslaught.

When faced with aggressive managers, employees may respond in a variety of ways. Some employees become passive and adopt the attitude of “whatever”. They learn how to do what the boss wants, just enough to escape the wrath they have grown accustom. Out of fear, they do their job with quiet resignation, being careful not to incur the attention of the supervisor and the resulting hot breath of commendation.

Are these employees productive? Yes, fear can be a fearsome motivator! During WWII the Nazis were very successful in using fear to obtain considerable production from slave labor. Are passive employees the most productive? Is this style effective in the long run?

Another response is similar to passive but with subtle aggressive component called “passive-aggressive” behavior. Here employees do not directly retaliate in obvious ways but “get even” by sneaky and less apparent counterattacks. Using this behavior pattern, employees adopt just enough speed to get by. During my command and control days, I asked one of my employees if he had another speed. He responded with, “Yeah, but you don’t want to see that one!”

Some employees respond passive-aggressively by stealing, spreading rumors, mocking the supervisor behind her back, or subtle body language such as the rolling of the eyes, deep sighs, or shuffling off to complete the assignment. These are all indirect ways of self-expression and designed to balance their perceived lack of power.

I once worked at an office that had only one bathroom that both men and women used. When I first went to work there, the office manager’s pet peeve was the commode seats; she hated to walk into the bathroom and see the commode seats up. She requested that I remember to lower them. For three years, I did a great job of lowering commode seats after use; I was proud of my ability and record of compliance.

One day as I was leaving the bathroom, the commode seats were left up and my normal behavior was to return and lower them. This day, I was mad at the office manager, “I’m not lowering those seats ever again”, I said to myself, “In fact, when someone else uses this bathroom, I’ll go in after them and raise the commode seats. I’ll show her!” Can’t you see this as major plot on the Seinfeld show?

It was at this moment I remembered a great little sentence, “If you do not speak it out, you’ll act it out.” I knew then I had to lower the commodes seats and go into her office and talk it out with her. The need to lift the commode seats was classic passive aggressive-behavior. Talking with her directly was the final behavior style called “assertive”. Direct communication was lacking with the friends of Jerry Seinfeld.

Standing up for oneself in an appropriate manner and speaking about the problem in clear and direct communication is a behavioral style called assertive. People who adopt this behavioral style do not have to play the passive aggressive game. Because of past learning, it is much easier to be indirect and play Seinfeld type games than to be direct and honest. Learning to be assertive requires awareness, practice, and most of all courage.

What works best? Is aggressive behavior the best option as in “Nazi-nurturing”? How about being passive and giving others complete control, or would raising commode seats work best? Would Jerry’s passive aggressive style of indirect communication improve productivity? Having a work environment dedicated to honest, direct, and non-attacking communication increases production and retains workers; the bad alternative is raising commode seats!

©Copyright 2008 by David Walton Earle, LPC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact David and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact John and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

I’d like to begin with the following vignette. It’s fictional, but contains communication snafu’s that, although probably unintentional, can be wounding. How the wound is dealt with can determine if its effects are short-lived or if they become part of the catalog of complaints that one spouse holds and remembers about the other.

“Kitty and Joe, both in the early 40’s, have been married for 15 years, and have 2 children, Cathy, age 12, and her younger brother, Bobby, age 8. B0th Kitty and Joe are attorneys; Kitty works part time for a local corporation, and Joe works full time in his family’s law practice. They are generally a thoughtful, cooperative couple, and after Cathy’s birth, found that the increased stress and demands placed on both of them made their cooperation with each other even more important. Their relationship is strong, and its durability has rested on their usually being mature and above all, conscious of their own behavior and how it affects their partner.

Recently, however, stress has mounted. Joe’s law practice has suffered an economic downturn; fewer and fewer litigation cases are coming into the firm, and although Joe’s compensation is not yet being affected, he’s worried. Cathy continues her part-time corporate job. She’s is as yet personally unaffected by the slowing economy, but she is aware that the company has been considering laying off less essential personnel. In short, both husband and wife are somewhat worried; their sleep is being affected, and Joe, the spouse more inclined to somaticize his stress, that is, to put it into his body, has had bouts of diarrhea and headache.

It’s a Tuesday, not one of Kitty’s work days. She has spent her morning doing bills; she has had a few phone conversations with neighbors about their kid’s health and the sports activities that their children have in common. Kitty has been frustrated that Cathy hasn’t been selected to play on the town basketball league, and has both been trying to understand the coach’s position and dealing with Cathy’s feelings of hurt and anger. She knows that her daughter can be moody, and for years has seen Cathy scream and have mild breakdowns when playing with other kids who she sees as ‘unfair.’ Nevertheless, she tells her friend on the phone, “this is a children’s league, after all, and sports are where they are supposed to learn sportsmanship, and Cathy is a good player. Maybe I’ll talk to the coach myself.” Kitty’s irritation is supported by her friend, and she finds the feeling useful as she tackles some housework, carrying the laundry downstairs and putting the first of at least 4 loads into the washing machine. The house is not completely picked up, and has that definitely lived in appearance. Kitty is hungry, decides to have lunch, and get to the house later, maybe after she’s dropped Bobby off for soccer practice, and before she has to pick him up again. Bobby’s bus drops him off, he has a snack, and Kitty loads him and his equipment into the car. Just as she says goodbye to her son, he begs her not to leave and to watch him play. She agrees, and stays at the field.

Meanwhile, Joe is driving home early from the office, having had his own frustrating day. There have been more and more of them, as local firms are becoming more competitive for clients, and clients are thinking twice about retainer fees in this environment, preferring to wait and tolerate whatever their injuries are, at least for now. When traffic on 684 suddenly slows to a crawl, the feeling that he just can’t get a break becomes compounded. He and Kitty have not been getting along as well as they used to; each of them has become more peevish and irritable, and the bad feelings have been circling with little interruption for weeks. Somewhere inside him he implicitly knows that his frustration has been leading him around, driving the car, rather than sitting in the back seat as one of his emotional passengers.

Kitty’s efforts to recognize what he’s been going through have not really hit the mark, and as a result of his relatively unabated irritability her needs for loving attention have gone unmet, and she has become more aggressive in return. Now there’s this miserable traffic! He picks up his cell phone, calls the house, only to get their answering machine. She won’t even be there when he gets home, he thinks to himself, with growing resentment. Joe’s need for soothing has been growing, and when he left the office early, he thought that maybe today he would get what he needed from her. Irritation blended into despondency and back again in a slow cycle that seemed to match the traffic’s crawl.

Joe finally pulls into his driveway; Kitty’s car is not there. Given the recent emotional stalemate between them, he’s not sure if this is the good news or the bad news, and resolves to take a bike ride, thinking the exercise would help to reduce his stress. His bicycle shorts are nowhere to be found, and there are no athletic socks in his drawer. Grumbling to himself, he heads down to the laundry room, to find 1 load of wet laundry sitting in the machine, and the rest of the wash in baskets on the floor. He heads back upstairs with mounting anger, developing a case of his own that he doesn’t count around here, that he can’t get his needs met, and lately that’s included in the bedroom. Kitty comes home with Bobby. The afternoon has been a good one for her, and she had found herself glad to have spent the time at the field with her son, enjoying the children’s activity and breathing in the cold wintry air. Her own irritation and despondency had been softened by the sensuousness of her experience, and when she saw Joe coming down the stairs she approached him with an affectionate hug. Joe’s mood remained dark, and unable to accept her gesture, he snapped. “What have you been doing all day? The house is a mess, and I can’t find my bicycle shorts, which I assume are still wet.”

Kitty attempts to explain her day, and Bobby wanting her to watch the game, when he cuts her off. “I can’t get anything around here. Bobby got what he needed, but not me! I’m working my ass off all day, and that’s not adding up to much. Do you have any idea the pressure I’m under to bring money into this house?”

Kitty backs up, feels like crying, but doesn’t. She’s no lightweight, and can defend herself. “Don’t speak to me that way, like I’m a piece of trash. I have a life of my own, and I’m your wife, remember? Screw you!”

With that she storms past him, and he heads for the door, needing to be away from her. Before slamming it behind him, he fires a last volley, escalating their conflict: “And what about last night?” referring their not having sex.

What’s happened here? What’s gone wrong? Is their marriage in trouble? What steps would you take to heal their hurt feelings?

Key Points to Remember:

1. Demonstrate that you have empathy for your partner’s experience. People who do not experience empathy in their relationships feel unimportant and disconnected.

2. Empathy occurs through Active Listening, with such language as, “I hear what you’re saying,” and even better, “I hear you,” spoken with real feeling.

3. Efforts to empathize with words alone are shallow and insufficient. Tone of voice must be consonant with the intended message.

4. Accurate empathy requires emotional perspective – make every effort to identify with your partner’s position – to see the context of her feelings.

When conflict arises:

1. Healthy families provide a frame or container for the entire range of feelings, and recognize that anger is an expectable part of living; the frame has to be especially strong when family members are angry at each other.

2. The implicit message needs to be, “this feels really bad, and I really don’t like you right now, but we’ll get through this and be stronger on the other end.

3. Ride with the bad feelings; don’t regard them as signs that your relationship is in trouble. Remember, healthy families are able to express anger and navigate through them and resume understanding, love, and peace.

©Copyright 2008 by John Gerson, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact John and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Why is it there are some couples who always butt heads…and other couples who get along with little friction? From early childhood we learn about conflict from our interactions with others. Our conflict management style begins to evolve through our unique experiences with others based on wants, needs, likes, and dislikes. Tension or conflict arises when we expect others to be like us and judge and blame each other for our differences.

No matter what we call it—conflict, fighting, arguing, quarreling or disagreeing, in most relationships, differences eventually arise and for many of us it creates some uneasiness. But having the Good Fight, if handled well, can transform relationships and improve our understanding of each other. When managed badly, conflict can result in damaged friendships, severed relationships, and long-lasting hostility.

Understanding Conflict

Terry Real, in his book, “How Can I Get Through To You?” describes the essential rhythm of a relationship as going from Harmony to Disharmony to Restoration. In relationships it isn’t a matter of IF there is going to be conflict (disharmony) but HOW you are going to handle that conflict so that you can restore (restoration) it back to a harmonious (harmony) state… Ask yourself “What kind of “fighter” am I”? Do you…?

• think expressing negativity just makes things worse?

• pick your battles carefully?

• prefer to agree to disagree?

• get really mad and then the insults fly?

• avoid conflict at all costs?

• hit “below the belt” and regret it later?

• often feel you are about one millisecond away from exploding when you argue?

• find that arguing stresses you out, so when faced with a fight, you usually withdraw and hide your real feelings?

• listen to your partner’s point of view?

• have trouble sticking to the issue at hand and often bring up things from the past that has annoyed you?

• feel that any disagreement is an attack on you?

How you answer this fundamental question “What type of fighter are you” can determine a great deal about how you can keep arguments from getting out of control. There are three basic styles of conflict management:

• Validating Style: couples compromise often and calmly work out their problems to a mutual satisfaction as they arise.

• Pitfall: may turn the relationship into a passionless arrangement in which romance and self-hood is sacrificed for friendship and togetherness.

• Conflict-Minimizing Style: couples agree to disagree, rarely confronting their differences head-on.

• Pitfall: leaves a couple unschooled in how to bring up important issues in their relationship. These couples need to learn what issues are worth getting into.

• Eruptive Style: couples quarrel frequently, conflicts blow up often, resulting in heated disputes.

• Pitfall: negativity and constant fighting can take over. When you fight about everything you fight about nothing. These couples need to learn how to let go of certain issues.

Some people like to fight…others avoid it like the plague. No one style is better than another is. It is not what you fight about but how you fight that creates the greatest impact on couples. So ask yourself “Do I have a different style than my spouse? Am I a conflict avoider and my spouse is more eruptive? Do I think my spouse is wrong for being different?”

Solvable and Perpetual Problems

There are two main types of conflict in romantic relationships those that can be resolved and those that are perpetual. 69% of all marital conflict falls into the perpetual category. Most couples treat their problems as if they are solvable. Couples need to find a way to deal with the unbudgeable problems so that these obstacles don’t overwhelm them.

Couples may not welcome these perpetual problems with open arms, but they need to find ways to cope with then, to avoid situations that make them worse, and to develop strategies and routines that help them cope with the perpetual problems in their relationship.

Preventing Conflicts

The best way to keep arguments from getting out of control is prevention. Prevention is the conscious steps you take day to day to keep connected in order for you and your spouse to resolve issues as they come up.

The Magic Number

Most couples tend to put the blame for conflicts on the topic of disagreement, finances, in-laws, not taking the garbage out, when actually, conflict arises when there is a general climate of negativity in the relationship.

Simple Rule: Focus on what you like about your spouse and you will have more of what you like in your relationship.

Concentrate on creating positive interactions with your spouse. Relationship researchers suggest a 5:1 ratio. That means for every ONE negative interaction there needs to be FIVE positive ones to keep the relation-ship in balance.
Weekly Relationship Meeting

Schedule a weekly relationship meeting. All couples need to have a routine for helping each other stay focused or accountable for the health of their relationship.

• Make a commitment to meet weekly.

• Keep the meeting to less than one hour.

• Connect with your partner. Face each other, hold hands, and make eye contact.

• Agree on who will start and begin by taking three minutes to say what’s on your mind.

• The speaker speaks while the listener listens without getting defensive or accusatory.

• The listener asks the speaker what they need out of this conversation. Talk about things that matter.

• Discuss future ways to manage these feelings or the concern that is being addressed. Work towards compromise. Switch speaker listener roles and repeat the process.

• Plan some fun after each meeting.

The First 30 Seconds

Research shows that what happens in the first 30 seconds of a conversation can greatly determine the positive or negative outcome of that conversation. Which means that if you start negative you’ll finish negative. Since women initiate about 85% of conversations regarding conflict in the relationship they are vulnerable to starting harshly. Consider carefully the tone and content of your opening remarks. Nine ways NOT to begin a conversation:

1.“You always…”

2.“You never…”

3.“Why can’t you just…”

4.“You’re not listening…”

5.“You just don’t get it…”

6.“What, this again…”

7.“You have to understand…”

8.“How long is this going to take?”

9.“Everyone else…”

Calming and Active Argument

The best strategy for managing an already heated fight is to take a structured time out. If the fight is getting nowhere and your getting angrier and going in circles suggest a cool down break. Here are some guidelines:

• I have to take a break. Can we check in with each other in twenty minutes”? Then walk away, go for a walk, or put on some music.

• Calm yourself down and think positive thoughts about your spouse. Think about what you really want to say or what you need.

• Come back at the agreed upon time and if one of you is not ready to talk take another cool down break. Agree on another time to meet up.

• Remember it is important to THINK POSITIVELY about your spouse during the cool down break.

Repair Attempts

Believe it or not couples can take steps during a fight to turn down the intensity of the argument so that they can stay connected and listen to one another. Here are some ideas:

• Editing: reply only to the constructive portions of your partner’s comments. Try cutting out the negative in your response.

• Humor: used appropriately it can diffuse a tense situation.

• Affection: being understanding, empathetic, or validating is a profoundly effective way to repair communication.

Take 100 Percent Responsibility

When both members of a couple “own” the entire argument, the ability to fix what went wrong will be increased twofold. Working together to heal a rift is the quickest and easiest way to have The Good Fight.

©Copyright 2007 Julienne B. Derichs, LCPC. MAC All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be posted as a comment to this blog entry.

Listening can be difficult. It requires us to tune into more than the actual words and includes gestures, body language and the ability to focus our attention and concentration on someone other than ourselves.

How often have you talked to someone on the phone and realized that they were multi-tasking and preoccupied during the conversation.
Were they really listening? Probably not.

Are you someone who occasionally tunes out when taking to another person because you are anxious to come up with your opinion and thoughts? Are you really listening? Probably not.

Do you tend to occasionally tune out when someone is talking to you and do not hear what was said because your mind drifts to something totally unrelated? Are you really listening? Absolutely not.

There are four key communication skills for improving interpersonal relations that require listening. They are:

•The ability to listen without judging.
•Show understanding of what has been said
•Acknowledge and accept another’s point of view
•Refrain from imposing your personal beliefs on someone else.

Sometimes someone just may want to vent and are not interested in hearing feedback or advice. Being able to passively listen to that person’s words with undivided attention and without verbally replying is a powerful “non-verbal” message. If it is done with an open heart, and empathy for that person’s feelings, this may allow him/her to draw out their own access to inner wisdom, as well as the ability to go within the self for exploration and guidance.

Simple and concise verbal responses to another’s words convey the idea you are listening by saying, expressions such as; “Oh”, “I see”, “Interesting” and other non-judgmental messages.

If you truly want to respond, communicate your willingness to continue listening with statements such as; “Tell me about it” or “Would you like to talk about it”?

Giving the person talking “feed back” requires an active listener to only feed back what he thinks that person means, not giving advice and only clarifying what he or she is unsure of. Active listening encourages free expression of troublesome feelings. It is not taking a deposition from the person speaking. “Can you tell me more?” or “Let me see if I understand what you just said”, are typical phrases for active listening.

The ability to be an effective listener needs to be natural and realistic. Learning new skills for open communication takes practice, time and awareness.

©Copyright 2007 Karen Golob, CCDC, CAMF, CH
All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry.

Click here to contact Jennine and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Defensive behavior is one of the leading causes of on-going painful conflicts within a relationship, the type which can lead to long term damage. Defensive behavior sends the message to your partner that their experiences and ideas are wrong, and that you are in the right. However, as you may have seen, in these situations, a well meaning defense can quickly turn into a battle where each side is unwilling to give in.

The Communication Battle Attack: History is full of those moments when a true defense was necessary. In romantic medieval times, when a person was attacked, they defended themselves. They pulled out their armor, a shield and sword, and prepared to do battle. This response was due their desire to protect their own safety. Thinking back to the previous situation, when during an interchange if your partner is in a defensive position, it is generally because they don’t feel safe and possibly feel attacked. This leads them to put on their armor for their own protection, and then pick up their own sword and attack. This situation is what I call a “Communication Battle.” Situations such as these break down the family unit and place the combatants on opposing sides, fighting against each other in a vicious pattern, one that creates little positive communication.

Defensive behaviors can also be a sign of deeper communication issues. Sometimes, no matter how carefully someone addresses an issue with you, you automatically go into defense mode. This common response is often learned at a young age; when tough situations arise, each of us naturally reacts in a certain way. This reaction becomes a crutch to help us through situations where we need help coping with our own insecurities. However, we often become dependant on our crutches, and choose to keep them around far longer than they are actually needed. If this sounds like you, it will take more of an effort to remove the crutch and change this behavior.

Defensive Behaviors, like many common communication issues often become exacerbated by poor communication skills. In relationships, it is often easier to point out how your partner needs to change than to work as a team to confront the issue together. The most important thing to remember in this situation is that people change when they want to, not when we want them to.

The key to creating change in unhealthy communication patterns is to create a supportive environment, where both partners are working to communicate effectively. This places responsibility on both partners, allowing each to have a stake in the outcome.

Relationships are like a baby mobile, if you tug on one side, everything changes. If you shift your behavior, your partner will automatically have to shift their behavior in response. Make sure you move in the right direction, allowing you partner’s behavior to move in the same way. All this change is often overwhelming, placing us in situations where we once again start to rely on our safe, comfortable, old crutches. However, no movement can happen if we continually rely on our crutches for support. It may be time to remember how to walk on your own again, leaving the crutches behind. Leaving the crutches behind is not easy, but do not fear, it can be done. Learning to walk unaided again takes a lot of willingness and self exploration, topics which a therapist can assist you with. In my practice, I foster a collaborative exploration in which I ask directing questions; questions which require you to look deep inside, and determine what your crutches are.

Quick Tips to Deal with Defensive Behaviors:

• Keep track of how often you get defensive, use a notebook so an accurate record is kept. What did you say? How was your tone of voice? What was your body language saying? Keeping track helps you become more aware of your own behaviors. Awareness is Key in creating change in life.

• Next time you begin feeling attacked, don’t surrender, withdraw, or attack back. Instead of becoming defensive try to understand where your partner is coming from. Ask meaningful questions about how they feel, and express how you feel.

• Start Individual or couples counseling. You can gain insight and a larger understanding of where this and other negative behaviors come from, why they happen, and how to decrease them.

• Experiment with trying something different. Next time you notice yourself becoming defensive, try doing something different. Notice how your partner reacts. Does he/she react differently? Where they less or more reactive? Look for the smallest change, because changes start small. Remember the mobile, and remember that each change will bring about more changes.

• Of course, no one can be completely rid of their own defensive behaviors; however, we can always decrease our reactivity to create a safe and caring environment for our partner. The safer (emotionally) it is for your partner, the safer your partner will make it for you. They will follow by example.

©Copyright 2007 Jennine Estes, Marriage and Family Therapist Intern. All All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. The article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Click here to contact Jennine and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile