Pragmatic/Experiential Couples Therapy: Moving Past Blame and Contempt
This case description is the first in a two-part series on Pragmatic/Experiential Therapy for couples.
“Things changed almost immediately once Johnny came along,” Fred explained. “Nothing I did was good enough. According to her, I was selfish and thought only about myself. At first I thought that maybe she was right, so I really tried to devote more attention to her. I called her during the day to say, ‘Hi,’ and I got babysitters so we could have dates, but it wasn’t enough. After awhile it became clear to me that I would never ‘meet the mark’ with her.” Mary painted a different... Read More
Being considered a “perfect child” by one’s parents feels fantastic. Basking in the glow from parents’ approval and love can feel safe and special, like one is living in a magical world where everyone is happy and satisfied. These feelings are very seductive. The child is usually not aware that they pay a price in order to maintain the parents’ continued extraordinary approval. That price is the giving up of one’s unique sense of self in order to comply and be the child and then the adult that the parents adore. Being kept on a pedestal distracts from being aware that one has wants... 
Families need to be together. After all, the family as a group exists to provide support, nurturance, food, shelter, resources, and a stable future to each member. While most families have their ups and downs, even stressed, impoverished, chaotic families want to live with one another. When is it in the family’s best interest for members to separate from one another? Can leaving the family home for a short while ever bring healing to the relationships in the long run?
Family separations occur in American culture in formal and informal ways. Formally, families can legally be ordered to separate... 
Many people, but primarily young, educated, Western women, struggle to sustain a positive body image—for a multitude of reasons that have been discussed in previous posts. Often a negative body image leads to a poor relationship with the body and other aspects of self. It is associated with impoverished self-care and unhealthy eating and lifestyle habits.
Having a negative body image is related to general low self-esteem and depression or anxiety. Women with poor body image often struggle with boundaries in relationship to self and others. In this post, I will attempt to shed some light on... 
“Sam” and “Ellen” have been married for 42 years. They have had a good life together. They’ve raised 4 children and have 11 grandchildren. They’ve had their ups and downs but have always managed to get through the hard times, until now.
Sam’s diagnosis of stage IV prostate cancer has really thrown them for a loop. They’ve just had their first visit with the oncologist, who was very nice and explained things very well. However, out of the entire visit, each of them only really heard one thing. Sam heard that treatment will make him impotent, and Ellen heard that the 5-year survival... 
Now that you understand how codependency develops in a family surrounding a dysfunctional person, what are you supposed to do next? Many clients have said, “Joyce, now that I understand where my fear of abandonment comes from, how do I stop being so scared of it that I mess up my relationships?” You can learn to do this, but it certainly isn’t easy. As you go through this workbook, you may feel uneasy when you try on new behaviors. It’s okay. Try to give yourself permission to be awkward. You don’t have to do everything perfectly.
Ideally, you have a therapist available to you or,... 
“When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.”
― George Bernard Shaw
Ask any bride and groom on their wedding day, “Will your marriage last a lifetime?” They will look at you like you have three heads and reply, “Of course.” And that is truly what every bride and groom believes. As we know all too well, one out of two of them will be wrong.
There are three truths... 
Anthony kind of slumped into the office and comfortably settled himself into the easy chair. “Doc,” he said, “I’m here to find out if my marriage is over. To me, it seems like it really is.” He went on to explain that his wife, Julie, and he had been living two separate lives for as long as he could remember. She was very involved with the children’s activities; she worked full time and had a rather hectic schedule as a corporate attorney. They rarely ate together and their conversations, though cordial, were impersonal.
“She had a function at work and invited me to come,” he... 
I was counseling a couple recently and as the session was coming to a close I was asked point blank, “How many couples come to see you with infidelity?” I had to stop for a moment and think, “About 30% of the couples I treat work with infidelity issues,” I answered.
Then I thought: That’s what I see, but I bet most couples probably don’t even make it as far as the counseling room. Where cheating is involved, many couples likely break up after the affair is revealed.
I am thinking of tales from history — people I used to know before becoming a counselor, and just stories of... 
Parallel process is one of many elements included in psychotherapy supervision. In supervision, a therapist relays their client’s issues to their supervisor. The supervisor then takes on the role of the therapist and the therapist in training; the trainee then assumes the role of the client. “Without endorsing unconscious determinants, parallel process is also recognized as an important aspect of supervision in developmental and interactional models of supervision,” said Terence J.G. Tracey of the Counseling and Counseling Psychology Department of Arizona State University and lead author... 
Extradyadic involvement (EDI), also known as infidelity, occurs in many relationships. At times, the 
Society has centered itself around food. Graduations, parties, get-togethers, family and life events - all of these are surrounded by food. Individuals may use food to reward themselves on a job well done, or to console themselves when things are not going well, or if they are feeling bad about something. Each person is different on how they use food in their lives. Nonetheless, food is a part of our lives and will continue to be so. This article is not about making a person feel bad about themselves at all; it’s about raising awareness for parents on other ways to reward children, and if anyone... 
Story: “Once at the end of a first session, my client asked for some “homework” so I suggested she do some journal writing about a habit she had discovered during the session. When she arrived for the next session, she sat down, looked at me, and immediately began almost screaming that she ‘couldn’t trust me…I was just like all the others…she knew this wasn’t going to work…I had a formula that I applied to all my clients…and I wasn’t going to take a personal interest in her…’. ‘My goodness, you certainly have strong feelings!’, I replied. ‘Yes, I do! I just can’t... 
There are ways of handling things that just shoot you in the foot, and then there are ways that have the other person willingly and happily eating out of your hand. Which would you rather it was?
In this article, I’ve taken extensive material from the web, from books, from years of my own research, and from my site and consolidated it into a ten-point scale, with 1 being the least aggressive and 10 being unquestionably abusive. Each value on the scale is a template for an abusive type of statement. I hope you find the scale to be helpful.
1 – “Do you think I’m stupid?”
This statement... 
