By Pamela Lipe, MS, LP, Relationships & Marriage Topic Expert Contributor

Click here to contact Pam and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Somehow you have ended up on the wrong side of the “whose fault was it” argument with your spouse. You know it was your fault but you have lots of really good reasons why you acted like you did. Plus, you were well intentioned and actually only said those things because your partner needed to hear them. Nonetheless, you can see that there is a breach in the relationship and if you don’t do a repair, you are not going to like the icy silence or hot reproachful words that come back. So, it is time for an apology—to eat crow, “fess up,” or bow low to ask for a pardon.

Actually, I find myself in this position more than I like to admit. In all honesty, I don’t like to apologize. Sometimes, I have trouble getting my attitude right so my words don’t sound very sincere. At other times, I simply do not think I’m the one in the wrong. I will begin to list the ways I am right, with sound reasons, wonderful logic, and a clear sense of righteousness on my side. As you might guess, that doesn’t work either. Read the rest of this entry

By Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

Click here to contact Jim and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Your conflicts sometimes lead to painful or bitter fights. When all is said and done after your difference du jour, you both feel frustrated, hurt, dejected and misunderstood. You both know you will repeat your familiar but painful scenario in the near future; it’s a matter of when, not if. You feel helpless and confused, and have no idea how to break the pattern you faithfully, but regrettably, repeat. In the end, the refrain is the same: “You just don’t understand!” This article is about how to change that.

We all want to be heard and understood. When we’re not, all too often we blame our partner for it. However, the responsibility for being understood begins on your own side of the street, not your partner’s. Unwittingly, you undercut being understood when under stress. Read the rest of this entry

A GoodTherapy.org News Update Presented by Jolyn Wells-Moran, PhD, MSW

Imagine that a friend is having a heated verbal argument with his wife. You’re watching from the couch. He turns to you and asks for your input. You hesitate, and then say you really don’t want to be involved. It doesn’t seem to you that there’s any solution that would be acceptable to both people or that is otherwise possible. Friend and spouse then tell you they really want your input, so you think for a moment and suggest they look instead for alternative strategies to resolve the matter. The couple then comes up with a few different ways of resolving the issue. Ah, you think, that was a good idea. You throw in a few more possible strategies. They nod in agreement and proceed to use several of the approaches. Yes, you think, now we’re getting somewhere — but wait a minute, their voices are rising. They’re using all of their own strategies and yours too, but look angrier than ever!

What happened?

Well, according to researchers at Arizona State University (ASU) – and counter to what we might consider the common logic of using many strategies for conflict resolution — people in conflict may actually become angrier and more frustrated the more strategies they use. A new ASU study suggests that limiting strategies is less likely to result in escalating anger, when the conflict seems unresolvable, even though we may believe that to be unhelpful rigidity.

This shouldn’t be confused with the idea that we should limit our options for solutions. No one is advising that. It also doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try various strategies when it seems like a resolution is possible.

Instead, if there doesn’t seem to be a solution that would be acceptable to both parties engaged in an argument after they’ve used one or two strategies already, it might well be best to let the argument go. According to Danielle Roubinov, an ASU doctoral student in clinical psychology, “Although being flexible in how you respond to different situations may be beneficial, continuously trying different ways to work out the same situation may lead to greater anger, frustration, and an unhealthier biological response.” Read the rest of this entry

By Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT

Click here to contact Jim and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Yelling at Children

This is a topic that has meaning for everyone. All of us have raised our voices, probably more than once. No, I did not come from a home of screaming parents or siblings. However, I do see many families and couples who yell a lot at each other, and the short and long-term consequences of regular yelling/screaming are not pretty. Those of you who experience yelling know what I’m talking about.

Let’s start with the impact of yelling at children:

First, it teaches them how to yell, when to yell, and that yelling is an effective response to emotionally charged situations. By extension, it teaches them an ineffective way to process anger, as anger is usually associated with yelling.

Second, yelling scares most children—the younger the child, often the more fear they feel. In a state of fear it is next to impossible for a child to think about their mistake or misbehavior. If a child cannot think about their mistake, a child cannot learn from their mistake. Read the rest of this entry

By Delyse Ledgard, MA, RCC

Click here to contact Delyse and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Intimacy speaks to something shared between individuals who trust and respect each other. A connection that is transparent and honest, that takes courage. Feeling close to someone can be manufactured out of illusion and characterized by a disquiet that leaves one feeling unsure of the closeness. Sharing similarities can be part of developing closeness and intimacy as long as it is not a habit to avoid differences. Self-differentiation, defined as the ability to stand in one’s own space with out taking over the other, is commonly viewed as an important aspect of intimacy. On the other hand, spiritual intimacy involves dissolving boundaries and ego identity into a cosmic oneness. Perhaps this speaks to the way intimacy cannot occur with a strong protection of the ego. There needs to be a ‘taking in’ of each other.

My particular definition of intimacy states that it is a shared physical and/or emotional space where there is an exchange that furthers an understanding of each other and your connection to one another. Intimacy results in an experience of being known by the other. This exchange occurs at it’s deepest when there is a focus on what occurs between you. In other words, being a confidant while it may produce a feeling of closeness has much less impact on your personal understanding of each other or your relationship to one another. So in this exchange we could say that the deepest intimacy occurs when you are able to say to the other what you cannot say to anyone else. This relates to the intimate dialogue. Read the rest of this entry

By Barbi Pecenco, MA

Click here to contact Barbi and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

There are plenty of articles out there from relationship experts encouraging the rules of good communication, but rarely does anyone tell us what to do when we have practiced those rules and our partner continues to act unreasonably.

Standing up for yourself is an important relationship skill. But often what we think is standing up for ourselves is actually being critical of our partner and trying to convince them that they are “wrong”. This approach usually does not work because your partner is so busy defending themselves that your message is lost. You are NOT powerful when you are critical; instead you give your power away due to the damage it does to your relationship.

Giving others the benefit of the doubt when they seem to be doing something “wrong” is typically a better reaction than blaming, shaming, judging or criticizing. It’s important that we say, “Hmmm, I wonder what my partner was thinking when he promised to take out the trash and didn’t for the third day in a row” as opposed to “How lazy is he? I’m going to really lay into him this time!”

Instead of attempting to prove your partner wrong (or lazy) in an attempt to stand up for yourself, the alternative is to ask your partner to consider your needs and work with you to negotiate something that is best for the relationship. However, if asking your partner to meet you halfway doesn’t work then it’s time to insist on it. Read the rest of this entry

by David Walton Earle, LPC

Click here to contact David and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Why was the TV show, Seinfeld so popular? A sitcom that was self declared about “nothing’ yet so funny, why? In the episodes, the characters never said what they really meant, were emotionally dishonest, and often played head games. Could it be the reality was life-like and in its exaggerated form, we laugh at ourselves? Was Jerry and company’s coping skills really working for them or is there a better way?

Have you ever been so mad at your employer that you did something to get even? Being late for a meeting, talking about them behind their back, being overly critical, not doing your best, spreading gossip, or taking extended lunch breaks; these are example of acting-out behavior. Where does this behavior originate and what can management do about it?

During times of conflict, there are several methods of expression; such as being aggressive, passive, passive-aggressive, or assertive. Some of these behaviors destroy relationships; only one style strengthens them; suitable for personal as well as work place environments. Read the rest of this entry

by John Gerson, Ph.D.

Click here to contact John and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

I’d like to begin with the following vignette. It’s fictional, but contains communication snafu’s that, although probably unintentional, can be wounding. How the wound is dealt with can determine if its effects are short-lived or if they become part of the catalog of complaints that one spouse holds and remembers about the other.

“Kitty and Joe, both in the early 40’s, have been married for 15 years, and have 2 children, Cathy, age 12, and her younger brother, Bobby, age 8. B0th Kitty and Joe are attorneys; Kitty works part time for a local corporation, and Joe works full time in his family’s law practice. They are generally a thoughtful, cooperative couple, and after Cathy’s birth, found that the increased stress and demands placed on both of them made their cooperation with each other even more important. Their relationship is strong, and its durability has rested on their usually being mature and above all, conscious of their own behavior and how it affects their partner.

Recently, however, stress has mounted. Joe’s law practice has suffered an economic downturn; fewer and fewer litigation cases are coming into the firm, and although Joe’s compensation is not yet being affected, he’s worried. Cathy continues her part-time corporate job. She’s is as yet personally unaffected by the slowing economy, but she is aware that the company has been considering laying off less essential personnel. In short, both husband and wife are somewhat worried; their sleep is being affected, and Joe, the spouse more inclined to somaticize his stress, that is, to put it into his body, has had bouts of diarrhea and headache. Read the rest of this entry

Written by Julienne B. Derichs, LCPC

Why is it there are some couples who always butt heads…and other couples who get along with little friction? From early childhood we learn about conflict from our interactions with others. Our conflict management style begins to evolve through our unique experiences with others based on wants, needs, likes, and dislikes. Tension or conflict arises when we expect others to be like us and judge and blame each other for our differences.

No matter what we call it—conflict, fighting, arguing, quarreling or disagreeing, in most relationships, differences eventually arise and for many of us it creates some uneasiness. But having the Good Fight, if handled well, can transform relationships and improve our understanding of each other. When managed badly, conflict can result in damaged friendships, severed relationships, and long-lasting hostility.

Understanding Conflict

Terry Real, in his book, “How Can I Get Through To You?” describes the essential rhythm of a relationship as going from Harmony to Disharmony to Restoration. In relationships it isn’t a matter of IF there is going to be conflict (disharmony) but HOW you are going to handle that conflict so that you can restore (restoration) it back to a harmonious (harmony) state… Read the rest of this entry

Written by Karen Golob, CCDC, CAMF, CH

Listening can be difficult. It requires us to tune into more than the actual words and includes gestures, body language and the ability to focus our attention and concentration on someone other than ourselves.

How often have you talked to someone on the phone and realized that they were multi-tasking and preoccupied during the conversation.
Were they really listening? Probably not.

Are you someone who occasionally tunes out when taking to another person because you are anxious to come up with your opinion and thoughts? Are you really listening? Probably not.

Do you tend to occasionally tune out when someone is talking to you and do not hear what was said because your mind drifts to something totally unrelated? Are you really listening? Absolutely not.

There are four key communication skills for improving interpersonal relations that require listening. They are: Read the rest of this entry