Category: Codependency
The Good Therapy Blog
February 22nd, 2011 |
Before we review the behaviors we need to change, I inadvertently left off two beliefs we need to change. Click here to see Part I and to review the first seven beliefs and behaviors.
Belief #8: We have to do everything perfectly. It is ironic that I forgot that one, isn’t it? At least I practice what I preach. We do not have to be perfect and it is impossible. I always tell clients that the perfect husband is in heaven with the perfect wife. Or the perfect parent is in heaven with the perfect child. Being... Read More
January 25th, 2011 |
Now that you understand what co-dependency is and how it develops, where do you start your healing process. It involves changing some lifelong beliefs and behaviors.
Belief #1: I am responsible for everybody and everything.
No, you are not. You are responsible for yourself, your feelings, your choices and taking care of yourself. You have a responsibility for your minor children, but you do not have much control over what they do. You can encourage their good behaviors and discourage their negative ones. Accepting your powerlessness over others will give you a tremendous sense of relief.... Read More
December 27th, 2010 |
This co-dependency article is the last chapter on managing anxiety. We will manage anxiety by learning cognitive behavioral strategies. To review, the other strategies include physical exercise to burn off adrenaline and relaxation breathing. We are learning to manage anxiety, because when we let go of co-dependent behaviors and beliefs, we often feel some anxiety.
Cognitive behavior therapy or “CBT” was first developed by Dr. Albert Ellis. He called his theory “Rational Emotive Therapy”... Read More
December 13th, 2010 |
Richard came to treatment feeling angry, sad and resentful. He was scared that the man he was living with was getting ready to dump him.
“That always happens,” he said. “Just when I feel my life turn around, I get dumped. What’s wrong with me? Why am I always the one who gets left? I think we were in love, he says he’ll never leave me, but in three months he’ll be gone and I’ll be a fool.”
This was the third serious relationship that was not working out. Richard is handsome, smart, funny. He would seem to be an ideal mate, but he has a fatal flaw. He is very controlling,... Read More
November 30th, 2010 |
So far this series has explored how the body-mind reacts to situations in early life where there is stress from external tension or inconsistent care. But what happens when care is forthcoming to the point where a growing child feels stifled? Let’s conjure up a scenario to explore this.
Imagine a child who is oohed and ahh-ed over. This is a good thing right? Right, but the saying “everything in moderation” has merit even here. When a baby is fondled and oohed and ahh-ed over, it is meant as encouragement and an exchange of joy- this is essential for healthy development. But for... Read More
November 22nd, 2010 |
After aerobic exercise, the next step to managing your anxiety is to learn relaxation training. Just as we have a stress response that raises our heart rate and speeds up our respiration, we have a relaxation response that does the opposite. Our relaxation training centers focuses on breathing properly. Sounds simple, right? We breathe constantly all our lives. Unknowingly, when we feel stressed, we breathe shallowly. We rapidly inhale and barely exhale until finally, our body has to breathe out and we generally sigh. In order to sigh, one has to exhale.
To learn relaxation breathing, first... Read More
November 18th, 2010 |
What is the relationship between having a problem with your significant other and not having individuated successfully? Successful individuation means that you have navigated into young adulthood and developed a sense of your unique self. Moreover, you have developed a comfort with that self in the face of the pull from parents and early significant others to be other than who you are. This means you can tolerate the feeling that these others may not fully agree with or approve of your choices, your feelings, your desires, actions, and/or beliefs. If you have not successfully individuated (and... Read More
October 19th, 2010 |
Okay, so now you understand co-dependency, where it comes from and how it affects you. You want to heal and recover. So where do you start? It can feel so overwhelming that you may feel paralyzed. Remember, you don’t have to do it perfectly. (Or anything else for that matter).
Ideally, I recommend that you start by finding a therapist who understands co-dependency. If you or an immediate family member works for an employer that has an employee assistance program, that is an ideal place to start. It won’t cost you anything, at least for the first few sessions. If you don’t have... Read More
September 24th, 2010 |
How does growing up in a dysfunctional family affect us as adults? The same behaviors and beliefs that we thought enabled us to survive as children cause us a myriad of problems in adulthood. These are so ingrained and automatic that we do them without even realizing it. Changing any of these behaviors provokes anxiety and fear in us, because we think they were a lifeline. In adulthood, they become an albatross around our necks.
The degree to which we are affected depends on the level of dysfunction in the sicker parent, and the other parent’s ability or inability to protect us. Some addicts... Read More
September 3rd, 2010 |
Slow down and listen.
When we communicate, sometimes we ignore what our partner is saying. Instead of focusing on our partner, our thoughts are consumed with what we plan to say next. If you pay attention to your partner's words, and then you reflect back what you hear them say or feel, then they will feel heard. As a result, you will be on the road to a resolution of the issue. Does someone in your life, maybe yourself, constantly repeat a message over and over? It is probably because said person does not feel heard.
Try reflective listening and see if you can stop that person from repeating.... Read More
August 6th, 2010 |
Whether one’s child is going off to preschool, kindergarten, or college for the first time, separation anxiety is often present for parents and their children. At these times, the focus is usually on the child’s anxiety about separation. What is frequently overlooked is that the anxiety may belong equally or more to the parents than to the child that is separating. While the anxiety is about separation, the impact is often on the child or adolescent’s ability to individuate. The consequences for the child’s sense of self and ability to learn could have lifelong effects.
Separation anxiety... Read More
July 28th, 2010 |
Co-dependency is a pattern of behaviors and beliefs that are learned by children of dysfunctional families while they are growing up. These behaviors and beliefs can be helpful to the family unit, because they enable it to survive. The child learns to depend on them to manage in the family system. Unfortunately, in the long run they are very harmful to the child, whom we will call the “family hero”.
I have thrown a lot of words at you, and some clarification is needed. First of all, exactly what is a dysfunctional family? It can be defined in many ways. For this purpose, a dysfunctional... Read More
July 8th, 2010 |
While becoming our unique individual selves takes a lifetime, the transition from high school to college can be a particularly difficult time in this process. For college students, especially if away from home, there are typically expectations of fun, excitement, academic demands, and new challenges of being on your own. With current technology, home is only a call or text or Skype away. Parents can help you move into your new lives and help conquer fears and anxieties about new experiences. They can be reassuring about your abilities academically and socially and give you the home base to move... Read More
June 8th, 2010 |
Parents are faced with many dilemmas as they struggle with allowing their children to individuate. These dilemmas are part of the everyday conflicts and behaviors that are intrinsic to parenting. In psychotherapy, parents can become aware of how some of their everyday choices impact on their child’s ability to individuate. Parents can increase the likelihood that they will be providing, as best they can, the kinds of responses to their children that facilitate individuation.
The wide range of feelings that parents experience provide clues for their behavior towards their children. But feelings... Read More
