Category: Codependency
The Good Therapy Blog
February 6th, 2012 |
Being considered a “perfect child” by one’s parents feels fantastic. Basking in the glow from parents’ approval and love can feel safe and special, like one is living in a magical world where everyone is happy and satisfied. These feelings are very seductive. The child is usually not aware that they pay a price in order to maintain the parents’ continued extraordinary approval. That price is the giving up of one’s unique sense of self in order to comply and be the child and then the adult that the parents adore. Being kept on a pedestal distracts from being aware that one has wants... Read More
February 3rd, 2012 |
Toxic friends come in many forms—they can take much more than they add to the friendship; they can be a chronic complainer; they can tear you down—but the bottom line is that when you walk away from time spent with a toxic friend, you probably feel worse for the wear. If you think you might have a toxic friend in your life, take a moment to reflect on how you usually feel after being with this friend; if what you come up with includes words like drained, tired, unmotivated, worthless, or even downright depressed, you quite likely have a toxic friend. While it might be easy to identify the toxic... Read More
January 31st, 2012 |
I was talking to one of my colleagues about the age of my son and the age of his daughters. His daughters are much older than my almost 1 year old, but he was able to give me some great wisdom. The wisdom was that “friendship comes later.”
What I gather from that is when a child is younger, what they need is to be parented. Parenting is teaching, guiding, and leading the child to know how to make wise choices, to be disciplined when he is not making a wise choice, to be shown how to love self and others, to make friends, and to evolve into a wise young person.
There are a few parents... Read More
January 24th, 2012 |
Now that you understand how codependency develops in a family surrounding a dysfunctional person, what are you supposed to do next? Many clients have said, “Joyce, now that I understand where my fear of abandonment comes from, how do I stop being so scared of it that I mess up my relationships?” You can learn to do this, but it certainly isn’t easy. As you go through this workbook, you may feel uneasy when you try on new behaviors. It’s okay. Try to give yourself permission to be awkward. You don’t have to do everything perfectly.
Ideally, you have a therapist available to you or,... Read More
October 20th, 2011 |
Sometimes co-dependents may be identified by their behavior in the workplace. You may think that is impossible, because co-dependents tend to be good employees. They work harder than anyone else, they anticipate the needs of management and the are very dependable. However, there are two types of behavior that often identify them. The first type of behavior may be identified by management and, in some instances, the referral to the Employee Assistance Program may be on a mandatory basis. The second type of behavior generally comes in as a self referral unless it is extreme.
The first type of... Read More
July 22nd, 2011 |
Rarely does a client call for an appointment and say that they want help with their codependency. One of the many issues that bring clients to therapy for codependency is relationship troubles. Sometimes a client will call with a broken heart and feel that they should have recovered from it by now. Other times there are problems with jealousy and trust issues. A client may call re: difficulty communicating with their spouse which often means the inability... Read More
July 5th, 2011 |
Are you a person who takes care of everyone else before yourself? Do you believe you should put yourself last? If you take care of other's needs before your needs routinely, then you may have co-dependent tendencies. Taking care of yourself enables you to then be available to take care of others. If you neglect your personal needs and wishes and care for others instead, then you may begin to feel resentful and "empty." In a relationship, co-dependent behaviors can potentially... Read More
June 26th, 2011 |
You may wonder how people get into therapy for co-dependency. Rarely do I have a client come in requesting help for co-dependency. More often clients come in for other issues, and we discover the co-dependency as I am getting to know them. I will describe some of the presenting problems that sometimes can be a red flag for co-dependency. Then, in subsequent articles, I will describe we work together in therapy to make things better.
Often people come in with relationship... Read More
June 13th, 2011 |
The far enemy of sympathetic joy is envy, and the near enemy is comparing.”
-From Devotion: A Memoir, by Dani Shapiro, page 199
How many of us go through our days comparing ourselves to others- who’s smarter, prettier, richer, taller, shorter, older, younger, etc. I don’t know about you, but I often catch myself telling myself that I’m doing it better, or worse, than somebody else. Whatever “it” is.
That was part of Ella’s problem. Ella worried; she felt guilty and anxious-... Read More
February 22nd, 2011 |
Before we review the behaviors we need to change, I inadvertently left off two beliefs we need to change. Click here to see Part I and to review the first seven beliefs and behaviors.
Belief #8: We have to do everything perfectly. It is ironic that I forgot that one, isn’t it? At least I practice what I preach. We do not have to be perfect and it is impossible. I always tell clients that the perfect husband is in heaven with the perfect wife. Or the perfect parent is in heaven with the perfect child. Being... Read More
January 25th, 2011 |
Now that you understand what co-dependency is and how it develops, where do you start your healing process. It involves changing some lifelong beliefs and behaviors.
Belief #1: I am responsible for everybody and everything.
No, you are not. You are responsible for yourself, your feelings, your choices and taking care of yourself. You have a responsibility for your minor children, but you do not have much control over what they do. You can encourage their good behaviors and discourage their negative ones. Accepting your powerlessness over others will give you a tremendous sense of relief.... Read More
December 27th, 2010 |
This co-dependency article is the last chapter on managing anxiety. We will manage anxiety by learning cognitive behavioral strategies. To review, the other strategies include physical exercise to burn off adrenaline and relaxation breathing. We are learning to manage anxiety, because when we let go of co-dependent behaviors and beliefs, we often feel some anxiety.
Cognitive behavior therapy or “CBT” was first developed by Dr. Albert Ellis. He called his theory “Rational Emotive Therapy”... Read More
December 13th, 2010 |
Richard came to treatment feeling angry, sad and resentful. He was scared that the man he was living with was getting ready to dump him.
“That always happens,” he said. “Just when I feel my life turn around, I get dumped. What’s wrong with me? Why am I always the one who gets left? I think we were in love, he says he’ll never leave me, but in three months he’ll be gone and I’ll be a fool.”
This was the third serious relationship that was not working out. Richard is handsome, smart, funny. He would seem to be an ideal mate, but he has a fatal flaw. He is very controlling,... Read More
November 30th, 2010 |
So far this series has explored how the body-mind reacts to situations in early life where there is stress from external tension or inconsistent care. But what happens when care is forthcoming to the point where a growing child feels stifled? Let’s conjure up a scenario to explore this.
Imagine a child who is oohed and ahh-ed over. This is a good thing right? Right, but the saying “everything in moderation” has merit even here. When a baby is fondled and oohed and ahh-ed over, it is meant as encouragement and an exchange of joy- this is essential for healthy development. But for... Read More
