Click here to contact Jeanette and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Louis’ shock turns to disbelief and anger.
The world caved in on Louis when his girlfriend of three years ditched him, complaining he was ‘too needy!’ Louis had been the devoted boyfriend and caretaker. He did whatever she asked no matter what the cost to him. He cut out his friends and family. He stopped playing sports and dropped out of college. When the shock of his rude dismissal from the relationship hit him, he went through a period of disbelief and then he became angry.

Getting zero return on his relationship investment made Louis furious.
Louis had given her his undivided attention, and anticipated her every need. He lost himself in the relationship and was furious that his investment had failed. Louis despondently recalled his fitness routine in the gym and on the basketball court. He remembered the exhilaration of Marshall arts and the fun he had winding down with his mates. He thought of the ease with which he sailed through high school math and science. He could have done a lot with his talents and energy. By rights he ought to be on a stimulating career path, earning good money. But at the age of 26 he was penniless, jobless and rooming with a relative. He was overweight, out of shape and despondent.

The anger of wasted potential jump started Louis’s recovery.
Anger washed over the sad and sorry parts of Louis. He hated feeling beaten and hung out to dry. It reminded him of the times his mother scolded him for not doing his homework right the first time. He relived the sting of his teachers calling him lazy, and other students mocking him with jealousy when he got straight ‘A’ grades without studying. Louis felt the taste of his wasted potential as his rage kicked him in the gut. He couldn’t sleep, eat or enjoy hanging out with friends. Louis decided to rediscover his old self and bring it up to speed.

Louis used anger as his power tool to rebuild his self-esteem.
Louis developed a daily routine at the gym. He found his way back into a basketball team and practiced hard. It made him feel strong and on fire. He focused his attention on getting his body toned up with a good diet. He slept better and woke refreshed ready to explore his abilities. He enrolled in college and took a full set of classes to make up for the wasted years. He found himself to be sharp, able to concentrate and achieve grades he was proud of.

What does research tell us about anger and achievement?
In 2007 a study outlined in the Journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin indicated that anger is often helpful in thinking through a problem in a more rational and analytical manner. Louis used his anger exactly in this way. He had been blinded by the relationship and fear of loss. Anger at being dumped made him think more clearly and rationally about his needs and he set about putting his own house in order.

A 2008 study reported in the Journal of Psychological Science suggests that anger is beneficial when people have to perform confrontational tasks. Anger improved performance on tasks that involved ‘beating an enemy.’ Louis had many internal enemies. Louis had to confront the fact that he had been rejected. He had to confront the loss of self-esteem, self-respect and his part in losing himself in a one-way relationship.

Ten ways Louis used anger to build himself up and succeed.

1) Anger lit the fire of personal control and power
2) Anger propelled Louis to focus on himself- his present and his future.
3) Anger at being dumped made Louis decide to zoom in on his dormant strengths and skills.
4) Anger helped Louis to shut out distractions and focus his energy and intelligence to take charge of his life.
5) Anger made Louis determined to feel capable and accomplished.
6) Anger pushed Louis to test himself and feel the pride of success.
7) Anger directed Louis to put himself through his paces, reaching new heights.
8) Anger allowed Louis to come back fighting, performing better and ever.
9) Anger took Louis from a sense of defeat and loss to triumph and gain
10) Anger drove Louis to overcome the humiliation of being dumped and find multiple reasons to think and believe well of himself.

We have all seen athletes and opposing teams whether political or commercial ‘psyche’ themselves up with anger in order to ‘win.’ Louis’s case is an example of using anger to win the internal battles with yourself against your own blind spots.

©Copyright 2010 by Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Jeanette and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Sarah and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Never Yell

Anger is a feeling – not a parenting tool. You will probably feel angry at your kids from time to time along the twenty year parenting journey. Here’s why:

• They don’t listen and you get frustrated and/or feel helpless or insulted
• You are emotionally stressed from other things going on in your life
• You are physically stressed from lack of sleep, illness, or other physical issues

Even though it’s normal to feel angry, it’s important that we don’t hurt our loved ones with this emotion. Have someone video you while you are screaming and you’ll quickly see why the expression of parental anger can be so damaging. Imagine what the following features look like to your child (particularly to a small child!):

• Your very unattractive, downright scary, angry face
• Your agitated, frightening movements
• Your booming/screeching, threatening voice
• Your harsh, unkind words

All of these communications can leave a child feeling worthless and unloved. These emotions can cause developmental harm, leading to the following types of problems:

• Nervous habits
• Physical problems
• Anxiety and mood issues
• Behavioral problems
• Social problems (and, in adulthood, relationship problems)
• Academic problems

What to do Instead

Fortunately, you can correct your child’s behavior without using any anger whatsoever. The best way to guide a child is through modeling and good-feeling teaching techniques (positive feedback, encouragement, acknowledgment and so forth). However, there are times in most children’s lives when boundary setting is also necessary. Kids have to learn to comfortably accept the word “no.” They also have to learn how to comfortably accept instructions and parental guidance.

When parents refrain from using anger to set boundaries and limits, children usually find it easy to trust and accept direction. The key, then, is to set boundaries and limits without using anger.

An excellent technique that accomplishes just that is called The Two-Times Rule (2X-Rule). Here’s how it goes:

• Ask a child to do something (or refrain from doing something).
• If you have decided that this issue is important and you are not in a negative cycle with the child (i.e. the child hasn’t been criticized or punished recently and you haven’t been arguing with him or engaging in any sort of conflict) and you are free right now to carry through with discipline if necessary, then – repeat your request AND offer the child the choice to either comply or to pay a named penalty. If the three conditions listed are not met, don’t repeat your request a second time; just drop the issue.
• If you asked twice and gave the child his choices, and the child chose not to comply, then simply, quietly and respectfully, give the penalty.

In action, these steps might go like this:

• You asked your child to turn off the computer.
• When you came back into the room, you found the child still on the computer. You decided the issue was important, things between the two of you have been good, and you are available to carry through with discipline. So, you ask the child a second time to turn off the computer and you also tell the youngster that if he doesn’t turn it off by the time you (count to 20, come back into the room in 5 minutes or whatever deadline you want), you will turn it off for him and he won’t be allowed on it tomorrow night.
• The child fails to turn off the computer. You gently and quietly turn off the computer without saying anything more except, “I’m sorry. You have lost computer privileges for tomorrow evening.”

It is VERY IMPORTANT when using the 2X-Rule to let the consequence do the teaching. Do not talk! No lectures, commentary, angry remarks, and so on. Keep your mouth closed and stay calm. Do not over-use the 2X-Rule because, even though it is less harmful than the expression of anger, it is a bad-feeling communication from parent to child. Use it only when absolutely necessary. Try to use good-feeling interventions almost all the time.

The 2X-Rule reduces parental anger when situations are tense: a child is doing something dangerous, or not listening or hurting someone or being irresponsible. It also stops a parent from working him or herself up. It says essentially, never ask a child to do something more than two times because you will walk yourself right into anger. When you ask a child 3, 4, 5 or more times to do something or stop doing something, you are going to feel irritated. You might even feel enraged! Keep yourself far away from anger by using this simple strategy.

(For a more complete discussion of how to use the 2X-Rule to replace anger, you can see my book, Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice)

©Copyright 2010 by Sarah Chana Radcliffe, M.Ed., C. Psych. Assoc. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Sarah and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Evelyn and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

The reaction of your body to anger is very similar to the reaction of your body to fear. They are both reactions of the fight or flight part of the brain. This creates confusion for some people; you can be reacting in anger but interpret it as anxiety since your body is reacting with many of the same symptoms: sweating, trembling, tense muscles.

Anger is a powerful and difficult emotion for people who have not yet learned anger-management skills. Some people do not feel their angry feelings because they were taught that it wasn’t nice to get angry. Or perhaps they grew up afraid of someone’s anger or rage and decided to repress their own. Others get angry very easily and often. Sometimes feeling angry replaces other feelings such as fear or or sadness–more vulnerable emotions.

Marci is a 32 year old woman with two small children. She grew up in a home where her mother was dominated by an angry and volatile husband. Marci and her mother were often afraid of triggering his anger and learned how to be quiet and submissive. Her own anger scared her because it reminded her of her father’s temper. Now when she feels annoyed with one of her children she doesn’t experience annoyance; instead she experiences bodily symptoms that she interprets to be anxiety and fears that a panic attack may follow. Marci needed to learn to let herself feel her annoyance or anger and respond in a way that is appropriate to the situation. She did this by separating herself from her child for a short time, taking a few deep breaths, and asking herself what she was really feeling. It didn’t take long for her to realize it was anger and not anxiety or panic.

Mark is a 40 year old man whose relationships with his family and colleagues were often marked with tension. He would get irritable and short-tempered in situations where that response wasn’t warranted. Growing up as the eldest son in a family with three younger siblings, Mark was given lots of responsibilities around the house. His father died when he was 15 years old and his mother needed help in caring for his siblings and running the household. There wasn’t time for him to feel the grief of the loss of his father and the new burdens this created for him. He was now the “man of the family” and had to suppress his feelings and needs. As an adult the obligations of his life often felt like a burden to him and he was sullen and irritable a good part of the time. Mark was afraid to let himself feel what was going on inside him–the fear and grief created by his father’s death. In therapy, as he got in touch with these feelings, his anxiety would rise. For Mark the frequent anger was a defense against these deeply held emotions.

If you identify with either of these dynamics it would be helpful to learn what is now called “emotional intelligence”. Whether you are often anxious or angry, first calm yourself in a manner that works for you and then ask yourself what may be going on deeper inside of yourself.

©Copyright 2010 by Evelyn Goodman, Psy.D, LMFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Evelyn and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Jeanette and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Hollow praise turned Paul’s pride into an angry rage of betrayal.
Paul’s heart filled with pride as his year end performance review glowed with positive and encouraging feedback. His heart sank to his boots when the expected raise didn’t materialize. The praise and recognition that made him feel validated turned into a silent, choking, disappointing rage of betrayal.

Shock and disbelief made Paul behave go through the day snapping at his colleagues, impatient with customers and dismissive with his wife and child when he got home. What was the point of all the overtime, taking on extra work, and covering for others? Why had he bothered to take classes and do exams to get certified at a level that enhanced the software company’s credibility and marketing potential?

Anger and disappointment makes Paul want to stop trying.
Paul began to recall all the times his boss gave him signs that his efforts were being noticed and would be rewarded at the appropriate time. Was that a dream? Did he misread the signals? How could he be so easily fobbed off with a few sweet words?

Work became a burden. Paul lost all interest in his job and isolated himself from everyone else. If they treated him as if he were expendable, then that’s exactly what he would make himself – a mere cog in the wheel! His anger created a wall around him that no one could penetrate. If he wasn’t good enough to get the raise he believed he was promised then he wasn’t going to give them anymore of himself than he had to.

Fury at his boss made Paul a mean demanding husband.
Paul took his bitter resentful protest out on his wife. Paul made her pay for the mistake of his boss, demanding that his wife read his mind, and do everything to make up for his disappointing experience at work. She refused to play the game and made Paul even madder. Now no one was giving him what he deserved and he was furious, frustrated, sad and afraid that he was never going to get what he was entitled to in any area of his life – no matter how much he did his part.

How Should Paul Use His Angry Energy?
Anger sets off a slew of physiological reactions in the body that prepare it to fight for survival. From stress hormones to increased blood flow in certain regions of the brain, anger acts as a fuel, providing the energy that motivates you to act in your own best interests. How you decide to use that energy determines whether you have a positive or negative outcome.

The energy produced by the rage at not getting his fair share of goodies motivated Paul to do something different. Instead of just using up his energy in the gym he decided to make sure he was never blindsided again. Isolated and left to stew in his own juices, he realized that no one was going to come to his rescue and cajole him back into relationships. Paul used the potent energy of anger to stop feeling sorry for himself, be proactive and fight for himself. Instead of wishing and hoping in vain that his boss, his colleagues and wife would sympathize and make amends, he chose to work on using the massive amounts of energy he felt to empower himself.

Using anger as a positive source of empowerment.
Once Paul put himself in the driving seat he began to understand that he had let his magical wishes interfere with his participation in life. Paul figured out that his assumptions about raises and promotions were just that – assumptions that he believed were identical to the thoughts of his boss – as if there were only one mind involved in this process. He learned that he has to check things out and correct false assumptions on both sides. He discovered that he has to be actively involved in ensuring his success. The overwhelming energy from anger when his hopes were shattered brought Paul to his senses.

Five ways for Paul to use angry energy to empower himself:

1. Paul can use his anger as motivation to clearly express his wishes and expectations.
Benefit: taking his share of the responsibility for his future by reducing uncertainty.

2. He can ensure that he gets a clear idea of what rewards his boss has in mind at the outset, and negotiate on his own behalf. Benefit: solid information that takes him away from victim hood to proactive mastery.

3. Paul can make sure his boss is aware of his achievements instead of hoping they will be noticed, and be devastated when they go unseen. Benefit: certainty that his boss recognizes Paul’s value, with increased likelihood that he is compensated accordingly.

4. He can discuss reward options when he covers for his colleagues or does extra shifts, such as time off, alternating shifts, money etc. Benefit: exercising autonomy rewires the brain making it more likely that he will engage in using anger beneficially rather than as a downward spiral of protest and negativity.

5. Paul can ask for monthly and quarterly projections of tasks and decide whether the incentives to take part in extra work are worth it to him. Benefit: taking an active part in the decision making process in advance makes the consequences more satisfying and frees him up to have a healthy and satisfying relationship with his wife.

Paul no longer waits to see whether people in his life will “see” how great he is and magically reward him. He makes sure he tells and shows them what he wants them to know, and what he expects from them. It took the energy of intense anger and frustration to motivate him into actively shaping his life for the better. The rewards are consistent, sustained and very fulfilling.

©Copyright 2010 by Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Jeanette and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Jeanette and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Why on earth are we burdened with anger?
Why do we have to battle with anger all our lives? What is the point of having this emotion? Why can’t we do without it? We aren’t needing to kill predators to protect our lives or keep meager food rations for ourselves as we did millions of years ago. So what on earth does anger do for us in this day and age?

Want to stop being a doormat? Get Angry!
Anger continues to have a strong psychological survival value. Anger is the strongest sign that urges you to stand up for yourself. Anger gives you the impetus to make sure you are not treated like a doormat. Anger protects your self-identity, self-worth and entitlement to life on equal terms.

Are you a resentful people pleaser like Carrie?
Carrie was a people pleaser. It made her feel deserving and worthy. She took pains to give her children what she never had. Anything she could do for them that her parents never did for her made her feel like a good mother. Responding to requests from family members to help out even when she was sick or exhausted was one more step toward being in their good books. That was the way to save up emotional dollars in the relationship bank accounts, that surely would yield high interest!

Fear and guilt destroy Carrie’s right to a healthy identity.
For years Carrie felt hurt and angry that she did so much for her loved ones but got so little back in return. When ever her anger bubbled over and she dared to think about herself, guilt and sadness covered it up. Expectations of her grew to unmanageable proportions. Her children, siblings, parents and husband harangued her when she couldn’t do as they asked. She felt more and more guilty and feared that she would deplete her reserves in the relationship account. So she ratcheted up her actions to do what they wanted, leaving herself empty and worn out.

Bursts of intense anger entitle Carrie to value herself.
A demand from Carrie’s sister to drop everything and come fix her yard following storm damage changed everything. That one command triggered a massive reaction in Carrie’s body. It was as if her whole body was on fire. Her heart thumped like an industrial hammer and her voice took on an urgency that surpassed any alarm bell or siren. With clenched teeth giving her determination and trembling hands that wanted to strangle her sister, Carrie exploded!

“Fix your own yard. I’m not your servant! You never ask me how I am, or care about how I feel! You never offer to do anything for me. If you can’t call me and listen to me as I listen to you then don’t bother calling!” Carrie burst out with years of suppressed anger.

At around the same time, Carrie noticed that her 20 year old daughter was getting on her nerves. Miranda kept calling and wanting to be chauffeured from one place to the next. She wanted money for this that and everything, and expected it immediately. She insisted on an expensive apple computer for school, not to mention an iphone! Carrie’s anger spiraled into a powerful tornado of rage. A rage of self-protection. She refused to be spoken to like a puppy dog being made to perform tricks and shocked Miranda into speechlessness.

In the past Carrie would have tried to plead hardship, hoping to tug at Miranda’s heart strings and sense of fairness. It never worked, because Miranda knew all to well that her mother always gave in. All she needed to do was go through the motions of being thankful for a split second and she could get whatever she wanted pretty much on demand.

Anger motivates Carrie to protect herself.
For Carrie the choice felt as stark as this ‘do as she says and keep your daughter close, or be selfish and lonely, guilty and regretful for the rest of your life.’ Faced with that conflict, Carrie always chose the former. Until now. As she was being ground into the dust with no sign of reprieve, her survival instinct kicked in. Her fury at not being able to withdraw the interest on her relationship bank accounts eventually allowed her to put her needs first. Resentment topped guilt and released her anger.

Anger propelled Carrie into surviving on a level playing field.
Carrie was terrified of her angry outbursts and came to therapy. Working with me in therapy helped Carrie used her anger profitably. It fueled her into valuing herself, rather than waiting and hoping for her family to do so. She got comfortable with saying “ I want, I need, I would like, I expect…..” Anger became Carrie’s source of power and strength in a positive way. She learned to put herself on the map with firmer boundaries so that family members couldn’t take advantage of her without any consequences. Carrie’s anger motivated her to expect respect from others. Her anger gave her permission to tap into her true desires with a sense of pride and entitlement, not shame and guilt. Anger saved Carrie from having her identity and enjoyment in life crushed. It literally enabled her to survive in a strong, self-empowered manner. Just in case you think she became just like her family, Carrie retained her sensitivity towards them and relates on an equal footing!

©Copyright 2010 by Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Jeanette and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Jeanette and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Belinda is furious that her son is being unfairly picked on.
As she drove to pick up nine year old Jordan from school, Belinda seethed with rage. She was confronted with a complaint that Jordan was suspended from after school playground access for hitting another boy. Belinda was mad at the playground supervisor for believing the other child rather than her son. She was furious that the supervisor allowed the incident to occur. She was angry that her son wasn’t allowed to defend himself.

Belinda zooms into a tiny part of the picture and blinds her with rage.
As she talked with her son about the incident later that night Belinda learned that he had been provoked by name calling. In an effort to stop the taunting Jordan had elbowed the other boy who then complained to the supervisor. It was outrageous that her son was suspended while the boy who started it all got off scot free. She comforted her son by showing solidarity, loyalty and her absolute determination to take a stand. She made sure he knew that she didn’t blame him. She told him that she was going to make to right this wrong on his behalf.

At an arranged meeting with the Principal of the school Belinda heard once again that her son was at fault and that he needed help to learn how to play with other kids. It inflamed her like a red rag to a bull.

Belinda feels personally attacked and fights to defend herself.
“My son was defending himself against a bully who was calling him names. Where was the supervisor? Why didn’t he see what was going on? If you people had been doing your job properly this would never have happened!” Belinda said indignantly, laying the responsibility firmly in the school’s court.

“This isn’t the first time Jordan’s playground behavior has come to my attention. He has no idea how to socialize and I can’t take the risk of him hurting other students. You need to teach him how to behave or get him professional help,” the principal said, passing the ball right back to Belinda.

“You’ve never liked my son. You’ve been complaining about him since he was in first grade. You’re always picking on him because he’s from a single parent family. I’ve taken it for long enough. I’m not going to sit by any longer and take your word for it. I insist that you bring in the other boy and get to the bottom of this!” Belinda demanded.

Belinda’s childhood and adult rage unite to fight against injustice.
Can you guess what the Principal and the Playground supervisor thought of Belinda? They had ample evidence that she was irrational, a bit unstable and unable to have a reasonable discussion. They probably thought she was a weak single parent who couldn’t manage her son. By reacting with such righteous indignation Belinda had created the exact impression she was most fearful of and wanted to avoid.

Belinda began to have flash backs about her own school experiences. She relived the incident when she had been wrongly blamed for throwing a paper dart in English class. Her mother had been told she was insolent and defiant. Her mother never asked Belinda to tell her side of the story. Her mother believed the teacher and Belinda was shamed for letting the family down.

The same feelings of shame, humiliation and rage that Belinda had felt at that time were washing over her now as she felt marginalized by Jordan’s school Principal. As a child Belinda couldn’t show or talk about her bitter disappointment and rage at not being championed. Belinda was left unprotected, scapegoated and gagged.

Belinda’s anger piled up. It grew and bubbled waiting for a chance to justifiably explode. As an adult she could speak her mind. As a parent she had even more right to defend her son. Now her anger burst out in full force. Once again her protestations were dismissed. Belinda’s fierce insistence on being proved right fizzled into a sad and hopeless feeling. She became morose and sullen, wanting to keep her son from school rather than put herself through this ordeal again.

Belinda was blind to the crucial differences between herself and her son.
The problem was that Belinda confused her own experiences as a child with that of her son’s. Jordan had a mother who listened. He got heard, comforted and understood by his parent. He was able to process his feelings in a way that was validating and educational. Belinda was blind to that crucial difference between herself and her son. When she attacked the Principal she was doing so from her personal place of being unprotected and silenced. Her son didn’t need her to defend him in that manner. Belinda was defending her own undigested childhood anger via her son’s school experience.

The key to Belinda’s emotional health is to deal with her own stuff separately from her son.
Belinda attacked the wrong person, at the wrong time for someone else’s crime. She didn’t help herself as a parent, nor did she make life easier for her son at his school. But she has a chance to minimize the fall out. Here are some steps that Belinda can take to begin to separate her stuff from her son’s stuff.

• Give herself permission to air her bitter disappointment and rage on her own behalf.
• Write about it, talk to her son about her school experiences, share in parent support groups.
• Start a dialogue with her parents about her unfinished business with them
• Ask herself what is the true stuff of her rage when her buttons are pushed.
• Getting the help and support of a psychotherapist to help her bridge the gap between her childhood feelings and those of a mother would be especially beneficial.

©Copyright 2009 by Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Jeanette and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Jeanette and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

I do what you want, but you never let me do what I want!
Duncan had his heart set on the new BMW sports car, but Estelle wondered whether it was the best way of spending money at this point. There were other more important priorities like her business start up, the kids school fees and house repairs to consider.

Duncan blew up. “You never let me have what I want! When you wanted to go to Peru I agreed because I knew what that meant to you. I let you choose the living room furniture even though I hated it. Yet when something is important to me you pour cold water all over it, and make me feel selfish.”

You just want to stack up points to use against me!
“I’m sick of your whining. You have the money. You can buy whatever you want. I don’t know why you bother asking for my approval. You’re going to do what you want anyway. If I don’t agree I’m a spoiler, and boy do you punish me for it afterwards! You make me pay for all the times you did things my way. You just do it to stack up points that you can beat me with when I don’t agree with you.” Estelle retaliated with fury to being manipulated.

Duncan wanted his wife’s permission, so he didn’t feel guilty.
Duncan was independently wealthy. The BMW wouldn’t hurt his financial portfolio, and he could take it as a business expense. But buying the car just because it was possible wasn’t satisfying to him. He was hungry for something much more valuable- permission to want things just for himself, and just for the fun of it. That was the real prize. He was mad as a hungry bear that he couldn’t get a loved one to okay his wishes. He wanted to rid himself of the guilt that washed over him whenever he wanted something just for fun. He was fed up with always having to justify it as worthwhile.

Duncan was torn between feeling selfish and being a burden.
Duncan had been angry a long time. As far back as he could remember his mentally challenged younger brother Trevor got all the free passes at home. His father gave into Trevor’s tantrums to keep him quiet and manageable. His mother was torn between trying to anticipate Trevor’s moods and erratic behavior and keeping her marriage together. Duncan was expected to be the good son who never needed nor wanted anything other than the basics. If he ever wanted a new game, a special restaurant for a treat, or a trip to Disneyland he felt like he was adding to his parent’s burden.

There was little room for him to have his childhood wishes without shame, guilt and a belief that his needs were illegitimate. That’s when the anger started. Why were his needs less important than Trevor’s.? Why was it wrong for him to want his mother’s approval and his father’s attention for being a normal healthy son? Why couldn’t he be spoiled just once?

Duncan became furious when his carefully thought out plan failed.
The injustice of his childhood kept the anger smoldering on a bed of hot coals that was constantly stoked up. Each time Estelle didn’t gush with enthusiasm and give him the green light to get what he wanted he relived the torment of his childhood. He got more and more furious that even when he didn’t have to compete with a needy brother, he still didn’t get his wishes accepted and nurtured. Duncan made a deal with himself. If he let his wife have what she wanted even if he didn’t like it himself, then he would be entitled to expect the same from her. He bit his tongue when he agreed with her suggestions, waiting for his turn to get his wishes approved.

Duncan’s plan didn’t work. Estelle didn’t buy into his scheme. Duncan’s rage grew fiercer and the relationship became a battle ground. Duncan refused to give himself permission to enjoy things he could get for himself, and Estelle refused to be put in the role of the bad guy who spoiled his life.

How can Duncan and his wife stop getting mad at each other?
How can Duncan and Estelle stop the cycle of anger that interferes with their intimacy?

• Duncan needs to get clear on what his anger is really about. His anger is not about the car. It is about not knowing where he stands with Estelle and trying to figure it out. He used the car as a way of testing his wife. Would there be enough room for him on her priority list, or would he get shoved to the bottom just as he did when he was a kid?

• Duncan should share with Estelle his feelings of guilt, unworthiness and rage at never feeling secure enough to be able to legitimize his own wants and needs.

• Estelle should try and hear it as part of Duncan’s issue rather than take it personally and strike back. She can then share her hurt when he puts her in the role of judge and jury.

• Estelle should encourage Duncan to do what he wants from time to time so that he can develop a sense of pleasure and legitimacy about his wishes. He will become more comfortable with his decisions and less dependent on Estelle. It will also help her avoid being put into a no-win situation.

• When Duncan and Estelle feel and hear each other’s hurt, anger and frustration, they have begun to take a new journey together towards satisfying the hunger they both have to be seen as good, worthy and loveable people.

©Copyright 2009 by Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Jeanette and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Anne and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Like all emotions, anger comes and goes according to whatever is going on within and around us. When we pay attention to our anger and can use it well, it can be a gift that motivates us to do what we need to do. Anger can create powerful energy. Repressed anger can cause depression. Paying attention to a feeling and learning how to use it, are skills anyone can develop.

Unfortunately, many people are taught during their early childhood not to feel anger. Many adults will shame children out of having angry feelings, which is often due to the adult’s fear that a child’s anger will get out of control. Sometimes it does and that is when adults have the opportunity to help children learn how to use their anger. It is important to have respect for everyone’s angry feelings, including a child’s. If adults can recognize and respect a child’s angry feelings, they can teach the child how to use the energy of their anger to change themselves or part of the problem constructively.

As adults, individuals can do this for themselves. The first step involves being open to recognizing and feeling all your feelings. We are always having feelings. If you ignore or repress one feeling, you are more than likely to repress all your feelings. One way to increase awareness of your feelings is to keep a, “Feelings Diary.” This does not have to be a detailed verbal diary. It can be quick illustrations. A simple scribble or doodle to illustrate the feeling will do. Ask yourself, “If this feeling had a color, what color would it be? If this feeling had a shape, what shape would it be, if this feeling had a line, what kind of the line would it be?” Then make a quick drawing of the feeling. What it looks like is not important, it is the process and expression that are important. The process is in thinking about the feeling, visualizing it is a shape with line and color and drawing that. After doing that several times, you will become much more aware of your feelings.

Once you have become more adept at recognizing your feelings, in the moment, it is time to use the energy of the emotion to make changes. Many theories have been written concerning what emotions are primary and what emotions or secondary. Some theorists believe that anger is a secondary emotion and that we often feel fear before we feel anger. That we feel threatened and a need to defend ourselves. That may be possible and that is not the concern of this article. The concern of this article is what to do with the gift of the energy of anger. Anger has been a motivating emotion for many positive changes.

If the anger you feel is overwhelming, the first step would be to find someone to talk to about it. A safe person would be comfortable with your anger and validate you. Injustice is a part of life. If you have been victimized by situations or people who have been unjust, you need to be heard and your feelings need to be validated. Being heard and validated can take the flames out of the fire of anger and reduce it to hot coals, which you can use as energy.

When the anger has become something that you can manage, there are many things you can do to help yourself. A good therapist can help you process and decide if a life change would be helpful. Some people find they need to go back to school, change jobs, leave a hurtful relationship, or move. Others find that getting involved in a cause or making new friends is helpful. The changes you make are up to you, and it is vital to make those changes and use the energy of your anger to see them through.

Then comes forgiveness. This does not mean to change your mind about something that was done to you which was wrong. The word “forgive,” can be perceived as meaning something that comes before or “fore-giving.” It can mean giving to yourself what you had before the wrong was done.

It also means trying not to take a wrongdoing so very personally. When you explore a situation in depth, you will often come to realize that what was done to you was not deliberately done to you. Situations are complex, people crash into one another, psychologically as well as physically, and inadvertently hurt one another.

One of my favorite quotes is “Hurt people, hurt people.” Sensitivity, understanding and empathy are vital to the solution. And the first person any of us must understand and empathize with is ourselves.

©Copyright 2009 by Anne Ream ATR-BC, LPC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Anne and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Jeanette and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Do you feel ashamed when you lash out at the people you love the most? Do you wish you could erase it for ever and be free of this beastly emotion? That’s because there is a taboo against feeling and expressing anger, particularly if done in a loud, over the top and explosive way. We don’t like to think of ourselves as uncontrolled and irrational. When our hot buttons get pushed beyond what we can manage we feel scared that we have let ourselves down, that others will think badly of us and that we may never recover our good image.

Do you prefer showing your anger by giving someone the silent treatment? Now think of the time when a friend didn’t return your calls and you felt angry at being ignored. Perhaps you didn’t answer the phone when your friend did eventually call you back. You wanted to get your own back and punish your friend. It is a conscious and pre-meditated act of anger. Somehow this way of releasing anger is more acceptable, but not necessarily better for the relationship.

Do you let your anger stew until the moment when you can do the most damage? Imagine the last time you pretended you had a headache when your partner reached out for physical contact, affection or sex. You may not have remembered what you were angry about anymore, but the urge to regain the upper hand led you to strike back just when your partner was most vulnerable. It stewed and frothed and fermented until just the right moment. It is fury made to smell a little sweeter to you the injured party, who needs to feel in charge again.

Do you feel better when you react to anger by laying a guilt trip on the one upsetting you? Have you ever forgotten a loved one’s birthday or a special anniversary? Did your loved one make snide comments designed to make you feel guilty? Their anger at your lapse of memory came out in a sneaky but very effective way. It humiliated you and may have roused your anger. Laying on the guilt may have made your loved one feel superior for a little while, but making you feel small just drove a huge wedge between you.

The good news and bad news about venting anger:

Venting rage releases tension in the short term and gives you a temporary sense of power and control, but does nothing to address the triggers that push your buttons. The power and control is so short lived that you have to erupt again just to get that feeling back. So you are caught in a vicious circle of becoming enraged and trampling everything around you. You never learn how to deal with your discomfort and have to live with this monster that comes out of you every now and then. In the long run you create fear and push people away. You can end up lonely and deprive yourself of the chance to be heard and fix the problems.

The good news and bad news about taking vengeance and laying on the guilt trip:

Punishing those that have hurt and upset you by withdrawing love, or piling on the guilt gives you immense power and control. The powerful feeling lasts longer than venting, and you get the pleasure of doing to others what they did to you. But the damage you do to your relationships is more serious and less easy to repair – for the simple reason that you deliberately set out to hurt in order to avenge your anger. The stress that gets put on the relationship removes layers of trust and openness.

The most productive way of expressing anger:

• The first step is to acknowledge that you have a right to feel angry. That small but vital permission will lessen the chances of your explosive monster coming out and shaming you.

• Next, talk to the person who provoked your anger and tell them what it’s like for you when they say or do things that enrage you.

• Then find out what the person’s intentions were and revisit your response. Are you still as angry or do you feel less personally attacked?

It may not be easy to follow these steps but you will improve with practice. Honoring your anger instead of using it to feel big or punish others improves communication and builds strong and durable relationship bonds.

©Copyright 2009 by Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Jeanette and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Emotional responses to being insulted may vary from person to person, but results are typically negative. In many cases, people may feel inclined to demonstrate aggressiveness when provoked, either through verbal or physical attacks. Curiously, however, a recent study has shown that an action as simple as lying down can significantly reduce the impulse to strike back.

Held at Texas A & M University, the study invited participants to craft a short opinion-based writing piece about a contentious issue. The participants were not initially briefed about any incorporation of anger into the research, but were told that their essay would be read and evaluated by someone in a nearby room. The participants were then presented with a recording of an “evaluator” making derogatory statements about the intelligence of the essay and its writer; participants were either standing or reclining while reviewing the recording. Significantly, those participants who were lying down while absorbing the statements were far less likely to feel aggressive towards the source of the offense, and displayed a lower tendency to desire counter-attack, a reaction clearly indicated by simultaneous brain scanning.

While the degree of anger experienced in reaction to the recording was similar in both groups of participants, the clear distinction in retaliation may point to distinct benefits for helping to control violent impulses and behaviors in a range of settings. Notably, the traditional recline on a couch during psychotherapy sessions may help potentially difficult yet ultimately helpful observations and comments reach therapy clients while sustaining a peaceful atmosphere. The scientists hope to use the new information to explore how happiness and other more positive emotions are affected by physical position.

Click here to contact David and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Use anger correctly and positive results can happen! This statement is very shocking, for it is in direct contradiction with experience. Most people have witnessed the sharp and cutting blade of anger as it slashes and cuts its victims and have experienced the unresolved anger that creates emotional distance be-tween themselves and their loved ones. It is natural to experience anger, but how can it achieve positive results?

When anger destroys a relationship, it was not used correctly. When the ex-pression of anger works in a positive direction, it clarifies to others the bounda-ries necessary for all successful and healthy relationships. Anger communicates a warning that a perceived violation has occurred and provides the necessary energy to do what is necessary to correct the situation. As strange as it may ap-pear, without anger there can be no successful relationships!

Anger has two distinct groups; new anger and old anger. Old anger is resent-ments, unmet expectations, and past emotional wounds. Old anger is each unre-solved anger event stored inside of us that when combined with a new annoy-ance adds to the emotional pressure cooker. Anger is energy and when this new anger is added to the boiling cauldron of unexpressed emotions, there is no place for this force to go blowing off the pot’s lid, as in the expression “blowing my lid”!. The broken shoelace may be the last bit of energy added to the anger soup already cooking that result in the inevitable explosion! The sad part is that usually the targets of anger are the people that are the closest and loved the most.

Anger that is verbally expressed when it occurs, somehow does not add to the stockpile of old anger, and therefore loses its explosion potential. This is a simple rule of successful living. Appropriately expressing the anger as soon as possible keeps this anger energy from winding up in our internal “anger pots”.

What is the best method of appropriately expressing this powerful emo-tion? A very simple, yet effective method of decreasing this energy is by actually saying the feeling word such as “mad”, “angry”, “frustrated”, etc. In order for these words to release the energy, say them aloud. This verbal expression of emotions allows the person to connect with the energy behind the feeling, result-ing in a decrease in the intensity of the situation. If the relationship is important, then the direct expression of the anger toward that person is necessary for main-taining a healthily relationship. Other people need to know what the anger is about; for not many are mind readers!

When people use anger to build relationships, each person has a clear under-standing of the other’s needs and boundaries. The expression of anger can be in normal conversational and even in a polite tone of voice; shouting, hitting, or the silent treatment is not confronting the anger in a healthy and successful manner.

A simple but effective method of confronting others in a non-threatening method is the “See-Feel-Need’ method. Confront the person who is the recipient of the anger using this simple model: “I see what happened… (describing the event)” “this is how this made me feel…(use real feeling words, such as anger, hurt, etc) ” and “I need this from you…”(How can resolution ever begin until the anger person identifies what is needed for solution?)

Since becoming aware of individual anger is the key to this discussion, take personal responsibility for your anger by using “I” statements. Use “I” statements instead of the attacking the person by pointing the verbal “you” finger; this puts the responsibility back where really belongs, on the person doing the confronting. Ask the question, whose problem is it? The answer is that it belongs to the per-son who is angry. Think about it this was, the person who is causing the anger might not even be aware of how their behavior is affection others and may even be surprised when confronted.

Take personal responsibility for the problem by using the non-threatening “I” statements, as in “I have got a problem”. Then use the “See-Feel-Need” method for asking for what you need. This “See-Feel-Need” system increases assertive-ness in a style that is non-threatening. Attack the problem, not the person!

The last part of this little equation is this… “ask for what you want, be thankful for what you get, and then in a non-destructive methods to negotiate the differ-ence”. Try to develop an attitude of allowing what others also need, commonly called a “win-win” situation.

Personally deal with old anger by being willing to bring up wounds from the past with any associated pain but most importantly take responsibility for the emotion, don’t blame but talk about the situation. Grieving may be a necessary part of the healing process. The key is to examine the wounds of yesterday and their associated feelings then allow them to heal in the present time. Acknowl-edge the old anger, examine it, learn from the experience, and when that is com-pleted the anger is not needed, so let it go.

Many self-help groups are safe places to express anger, pain, and shame. If the anger is overwhelming and /or depression has occurred, a good starting place is a professional counselor. A trained mental health therapist can assist in unlocking the old anger and associated shame.

By choosing to use anger correctly allows the freedom to live today without the burden of yesterday. These few simple but very difficult steps will allow anger to work as nature designated, building not destroying relationships. Managing anger requires willingness to manage this emotion, direct expression of anger toward the correct person, and most importantly, the verbal expressing of the ac-tual feeling words. Although this is a simple plan, it is not easy. Use anger cor-rectly and positive results will happen.

©Copyright 2008 by David Walton Earle, LPC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact David and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Jeanette and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

A few months ago Gillian felt lifeless, dead inside and uninterested in anything. Everything was an effort. She just wanted to sleep. She suffered bouts of constipation. She didn’t want to meet anyone, prepare food for herself or take care of her dog. She couldn’t go to work. Her words came out slow and with long pauses in between. The words were flat, without expression – just like she felt. She couldn’t even cry. Nothing touched her and she moved like a robot from her bed to the shower to a chair and back to bed again. She didn’t care about anything or anyone. This was not the Gillian she knew or wanted to be. She had always been driven to work hard, please those around her and then earn her rest. She had been very sociable and knew how to have a good time.

Now Gillian is very angry and tearful. She cries easily when memories of past hurtful relationships invade her as if from nowhere. She complains of being exhausted and resents having to go to work. She is impatient with herself and others when problems don’t get sorted out quickly. Anything in her immediate environment that has a glitch feels like another burden on her shoulders. Nothing feels right and that makes her furious. She has enough of her own stuff to deal with. When the world outside also has ‘problems’ it makes Gillian want to give up bothering to face the day at all…

Working and being busy no longer protected her from her past wounding experiences. Her back and neck pain interrupted her sleep. Skin eruptions came and went. It was as if she had lost control and is the unwilling victim of her history. She was reliving that history and it was unbearable. She wanted to get back to being in total control and able to glide through life as before. Having to interact with a car that breaks down, a dog that barks to be taken for a walk, and an insurance companies that refuse to reimburse her for necessary expenses made her crazy. She was irritable, short tempered, unable to wait her turn in lines at the bank or supermarkets. Her interface with the world became brittle, drained of any juice and fractured.

As time went on Gillian’s anger seemed to subside. It had robbed her of space to feel any joy, excitement, softness or empathy. As she pushed it down again for the millionth time, she became more able to function in her job and did the bare minimum to take care of herself and her dog. While she slept for longer periods it wasn’t refreshing and didn’t give her the oblivion she wanted.

She felt disenchanted with her colleagues and friends. Even when friends gave her what she wanted it didn’t register. It was as if she was still starving. The only thing that appeared to satisfy her if only temporarily was food. She would eat and eat when she was alone at home. It calmed her from the moment she began to get the food to the last bite. It was the one sure way she could give herself some peace from her disappointment with others, their unreliability, their ingratitude and inability to satisfy her. She began to put on weight and whipped herself with criticism and loathing. When the self-flagellation became too much to endure she would gorge on food and then drink lots of water, stick her fingers down her throat and throw up. If she got most of it out, she could approve of herself and get a break from the harsh judgments. If she couldn’t vomit it up then she would be consumed with guilt. She continued this cycle of emptiness, bingeing, crucifying herself, attempting to vomit, taking pride in herself if it was successful and drowning in guilt if not. Gillian tolerated this life since it was preferable to the risks she had to take if she allowed herself to be open to relationships. At least this cycle was in her control and familiar. She was the slave master and the slave. Better than being someone else’s victim with repercussions that last forever.

Gillian’s depression had at least four heads. It came in waves. From a sense of lifelessness she would shift to being full of uncomfortable emotions like anger. Hair like triggers would set off bouts of crying that would sap her and make her numb again. When the emptiness came she would fill herself with food that put on weight and that set up a binge, guilt and purge rotation. Each head of the depression acted separately with little communication among them. Each head ruled for a time and then relinquished its power to the next head. Gillian finally came to grips with what she wanted from life when all four heads were vying for supremacy at the same time. Each squeaked a little but didn’t get top billing. They were all dying off, and Gillian was challenged to find out what the costs and consequences were for her of accepting empathy, generosity and care without obligation. It wasn’t till all parts of her got ‘sick’ that she was forced to face the inevitable.

Terry thrived on work. He got a buzz from the autonomy his managerial position gave him. He could work when he wanted and felt important taking on extra responsibility. He was always ready to stand in for other colleagues when they were sick or on vacation. He would think nothing of doing his job and that of a sick employee simultaneously. He was well paid and could afford the nice things in life. He had a girlfriend and took satisfaction in being able to buy her expensive gifts. However there were times when he wondered what all this was for. He never had time to enjoy his money in a leisurely way. He never took time off, never got sick and had no long term plans for settling down.

After years of living mostly for the ‘high’ that work gave him, Terry began to feel more tired than usual. He forced himself to continue performing at the same level as before, but his body protested. His concentration span became shorter and he found himself having to ask people to repeat themselves. He read things two or three times before he absorbed the information. He realized he was less alert when driving when he hit a car as he parked near his apartment.

Terry thought this was just a phase and he tried to make sure that he got plenty of sleep. But it made no difference. He was dragging himself up in the morning and falling asleep before he could eat his dinner at night. He would go long periods without eating when he was absorbed in the fast pace of work. He was worried about the difference he noticed in himself and tried working even harder to compensate. He never took breaks and delegated fewer tasks. He had no feeling for the issues his work force brought to him which was unusual for him. He went to a medical doctor to find out why his energy was flagging. All test results were normal, and he was told to ensure a good balanced diet with regular meals.

Terry became alarmed when other people commented on the changes within him. He had no idea that it could be so obvious. He couldn’t bear that his ‘weaknesses’ were visible. His whole image of himself was under threat. The harder he tried to return to his former self, the worse his performance and functioning became. When the first set of wake up calls didn’t lead him to take a good look at what he was doing to himself, the spiral downward came faster and with greater force. He was no longer eager to answer calls from work to bail them out, do shifts for others or sort out difficulties other managers left behind. He didn’t want to have to find time to go out with his girl friend. He didn’t want to deal with paying for the car he hit when he was sleepy at the wheel. When his body demanded extended amounts of sleep, he had to give in and take a few days off work. He had to be ‘sick’ before he felt he could legitimately separate himself from work.

He got angry with his body for failing him. He was disgusted with himself for having to call in sick and for having to rely on others to do his job. He worried that he would have to do it all again since no one could do it like him. He hated depending on his girlfriend for shopping and housecleaning when he was too weak to do it himself. He didn’t answer calls offering comfort or understanding. He hated the time he got to ‘feel’ himself.

Unfortunately for Terry, as soon as he felt a little more energy he went back to his old ways with a stronger sense of fervor. He was determined to compensate for the time off and wanted to prove to himself and everyone else that he was the same reliable superman. He was terrified that if he showed himself to be as human as anyone else, he would be denied promotion and became ordinary, with a non-descript life. That wouldn’t serve the voice inside him that said he had to achieve at the highest levels at all costs or else he was a failure and hence unlovable. The time periods between his normal functioning and depressions became shorter. The depressions themselves became longer, forcing him to examine his life style and what he expected of himself. What he found was that he was terrified that he was really trash, and that he had used the status of work, the money it provided and the time it used up as a costume to hide the garbage.

Terry’s depression had three heads. He catapulted from lack of concentration and sluggishness to self-disgust and anger, followed by being shut down. As in Gillian’s case the heads led independent lives and controlled him. He thought he was in control but it was exactly the opposite.

Having many heads to your depression provides extra places to go when one head is tired and used up. As it replenishes itself with your self-hatred and critical voice you can sap the energy of another head. Eventually none of the heads will have the chance to recover. They will all shrivel up and crumble. You have to feel all the trash, and smell the stink. It is truly awful, but the best news ever. Without feeling, smelling and tasting the parts of yourself you have ignored, you are going to stay depressed – each head waxing and waning through your life.

Depression at its worst is a gift that your are given so that you can be your own master. No more do you have to live according to those voices inside you that won’t allow you to be human, and deprive you of the simple pleasures of life. You get to plan and build in your time, take pleasure and pride in your work and be comfortable in your own skin. For those who need to go through the fires of depression with its many heads, there is a treasure at the end that is not found in any other way. It is the authentic you, that you can accept and be proud of.

Imagine having the chance to build your own self your way. How exciting and thrilling! You can be the architect, give the planning permission, act as your own contractor and inspector, buy your own materials and construct the best you that you want to be. This does not mean that you cannot get relief from medications. If used in conjunction with the work you do to feel all parts of yourself no matter how distasteful, you can construct a stronger and more resilient person. One that you will like and others too.

©Copyright 2007 Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Jeanette and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile