Click here to contact Lynn and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

The magical age thirty scares people. Women especially start hearing their biological clocks ticking louder and louder, the alarm goes off, and they get frantic about establishing family and career.

Men sometimes feel this urgency too, and men and women both need to put down roots about this time, or they may never, instead floating though life, head in the clouds, feet off the ground, then find out when it’s very late in the game that they are alone in space.

Wendy was 28 year old, at a turning point in her life. Would she ever get married and have children? What kind of life would she have, who would love her, and who would she love? Her career hadn’t progressed as well as she had imagined, not with the bankrupt economy. She did have a boyfriend though, but was he the right one?

Wendy thought about breaking up with Peter – a really nice guy but not quite ready to make a commitment. He loved her, he said, but he needed to stay free so he could “make the best choices for himself.” They had been dating for several years. Was it wise to ditch him? They had put in a lot of time together, and a lot of loving too. Would she ever find anyone else? Anyone better?

And what did he mean by “the best choices for himself?” She wanted him to make good choices, of course, but why wasn’t she included? Why didn’t he say “the best choices for us?”

Peter was smart, attractive, with many good qualities, but scared to be close. And he still wasn’t that clear about what he wanted to do when he grew up, either. He was like Peter Pan. Remember Peter Pan and Wendy? Peter Pan never grows up, but his friend Wendy does.

Peter and Wendy didn’t come to therapy for relationship counseling – they could have, but they decided to try a trial break-up instead. Statistically such trials end up permanent – no relationship. Wendy decided to work individually with a therapist, and discovered that it wasn’t only Peter who was scared to be close, she was too. She needs to “show up and grow up.” Maybe Peter will find other ways to speed growing up, or maybe he’ll start therapy.

Lots of people need help negotiating the space between twenty and thirty something – the choices that you make at this time in your life can have permanent, life altering consequences, and you should make them with all the heart, soul and brain power that you can muster. A therapist can’t make these choices for you, but can help you find the best ways to make them.

People can be so afraid of making mistakes, making the wrong choice, that they don’t make any choices at all – which is still a choice, but of an inferior variety. It’s just a passive going along with the flow. Polling your friends to see what they would do, waiting to see what happens, wanting the decisions to be out of your hands – it’s just too scary to make up your mind, but it’s your life, and only you can decide.

Sometimes the smarter you think you are, the harder it is to decide, to know what’s right for you, to look inside your deepest self and go with what you find- those treasures can be deeply hidden.

Wendy and Peter are both decent, smart, good people, but they were raised by demanding parents who insisted that they perform to certain standards to be acceptable. Wendy mainly knew how to please others. Peter was scared of being trapped in a relationship with no room for himself.

They were both stuck in the fear of making a mistake, which kept them from finding and being their true selves.

How can you find your true self?

There are many roads – individual or group therapy, creative arts therapy – but they all include a connection with a skilled therapist who is able to help you negotiate the give and take empathy and honesty that is the bedrock of deep connections.

Sometimes I recommend books that illustrate what I’m trying to say lots better than I can say it. Want to know what it’s like to grow up? Recently, Rafael Yglesias wrote a book, called A Happy Marriage, about his life with his beloved wife. They married when they were young, and they brought each other up; then she died. The book shines with honesty, love and tenderness. Read it.

©Copyright 2010 by Lynn Somerstein, PhD, RYT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Lynn and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Danielle and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

As a young person entering into college life, you are probably having many thoughts about what lies ahead, and feeling excited about this fresh start. Your parents are excited too, and probably nervous that their teenage child is now moving into adulthood. They may have had successful college years, or perhaps, they are seeing a dream they had for their own education realized, as you enter into college. Their feelings and expectations, when combined with your own are a part of a transformation that can be both exciting and terrifying.

Young adulthood is already a time of transition that usually includes establishing new identities and managing new emotions. Going to college presents even more change during this time, and that will require you to have a stronger ability to adapt. Moving into a new environment and meeting new people means leaving everything that’s familiar. The past may have been great, something that’s hard to leave behind; or maybe it was more difficult, you struggled just to get through, and what you’re facing may be a welcome change. Regardless of your experience, what’s happening now is a loss; a loss of your adolescence, of a role in which your family and friends provided a pretty reliable safety net if you needed it.

What often aren’t addressed are the common fears, the nerves and anxieties that often present while trying to figure out a new way to establish yourself in a new environment. It’s important to acknowledge that these struggles and new emotions can occur naturally in this stage of life, and it’s normal for young adults to feel stress at this time. Stressors such as figuring out new living arrangements, redefining your role in your parents home, managing finances, long distance relationships, break-ups, or how to add or drop a class can mean extra demands that you may not have been prepared for. Adapting to changes, learning new coping mechanisms, or revisiting some familiar ones are all important strategies that can help you feel grounded.

The following are a few tips for you to use to help maintain some sense of normalcy and maybe gain a little relief while adjusting to the changes that are natural in this stage of life.

1. Good time management is important! It’s time to start putting it into practice if you haven’t yet. By having an organized schedule, you can stay on track of your priorities and tackle each day in a proactive fashion.

2. Implement a routine of healthy habits. You can’t succeed if you don’t stay healthy! Tight budgets, new parties, a heavy caseload, and late night snacks, can wreak havoc on healthy habits. Preventing illness, and having a healthy routine can help you keep some balance in your new environment.

3. Ask for Help. Sometimes it’s not clear where to go, or maybe it’s embarrassing to ask. Identify the fear and recognize that it may be holding you back from getting good information. Then you can find out who has the answers, or at least where you can go for some direction. Once you ask, you can move through the fear and move forward. Your college is full of resources, such as counselors, mentors and other advocates. Don’t hesitate to ask your parents, teachers, or new friends at school for some assistance. Remember: at some point, everyone needs help with something. None of us can do it alone!

4. A social outlet may bring many great benefits. Getting into campus life will help you learn your way around and build a support system. Being able to have friends to turn to in tough times is important; it’s also great to have them in times of celebration! Having fun with friends stimulates healthy hormones that can help you feel better emotionally and physically; so join a club, play intramural sports, or start another new activity that will inspire new friendships.

5. Remember your safety net. Returning home on weekends or vacations to get “refueled” can give you a short break and allow you to return refreshed. A home environment that makes you feel safe and that’s familiar can be very comforting, and may give you just what you need to make it through the end of a tough semester.

6. Take time to relax and enjoy yourself. Staying present and in the moment can help you appreciate and recognize what is going on around you. Slowing down and being mindful is important for you to stay healthy and create a successful college experience.

The start of your college experience can be complicated, but it’s also an opportunity to get your feet wet as you’re branching out into the adult world. Using healthy coping skills, and building a support system will get you through the tough spots. As you become more familiar with your new life, being able to trust yourself to manage what’s ahead, and find enjoyment in it, will help this transition be a fun and successful one.

©Copyright 2010 by Danielle Organista, LMFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Danielle and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Katie and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Are you a twenty-something who feels confused about what path to take in life? Are you filled with confusion, anxiety and self-doubt much of the time? Are you considering going to graduate school because you don’t know what else to do with your life? Do you constantly worry about the future? Do you feel the pressure to have the perfect long-term career path? Or to be married? Or to have kids soon?

Most of us have heard of the term midlife crisis. In fact, many of you have probably watched your parents go through this stage of life already. It is a time when middle aged people often experience a great deal of stress and turmoil as they struggle to find new meaning and purpose in their lives as well as begin to mourn the loss of their youth. In response to this crisis of sorts, you may have witnessed your parents exhibit seemingly strange behaviors such as buying a bright yellow sports car or drastically changing their appearance. But did you know that many people in their twenties also experience a similar “crisis”?

Individuals experiencing a quarterlife crisis are often overwhelmed by feelings of insecurity, doubt and confusion about who they are and what they want from life. To make matters worse, society, parents and even friends can often send the message that you are supposed to have your entire life figured out by the time you graduate and that you should have a clear path paved in front of you. In reality, many twenty-somethings are struggling to find any sense of solid ground beneath their feet, let alone a nicely paved path with meticulously manicured landscaping along way.

By the time a person graduates, he or she may have spent twenty plus years in academic institutions that provided structure, clear-cut goals and a general road map. While the ultimate goal was to graduate and to move on from the educational arena, entering the “real world” can be a shock to the system. Life no longer consists of class schedules and longer-term academic plans, meals that are prepared for you three times a day, preplanned social events and money that comes from parents or in the form of financial aid loans and scholarships. Instead you are bombarded with an infinite number of responsibilities and decisions to make related to your career, finances, social life, romantic relationships, where to live, a future family and the list goes on. While the idea of infinite possibilities is exhilarating for many folks, it can leave many people feeling overwhelmed and lost. If you happen to fall into the latter category, it is important to realize you are not alone and you will survive and thrive! It can often feel as though you are the only one struggling with this transition into adulthood and that everyone else has it all figured out, but that could not be further from the truth!

During undergrad or graduate school, there were always specific goals to be attained. For example, the goal might have been to finish a paper, make it to the end of another semester or fulfill the requirements for a certain minor or major. So then what happens when the ultimate goal of graduating is complete? Once you graduate, you expect life to continue in a similar fashion and to consist of a neat organized to-do list with goals to continually check off. You soon find out, however, that it is not as easy or as clear-cut as it once was. Instead, the goal becomes to live a happy and fulfilling life. At this point, you might be saying to yourself “Well how am I supposed to know how to do that?!”

In order to live a happy and fulfilling life, it is important to discover and know who you really are and what you really want from life. Parents, society, friends, etc. may have put ideas into your head about who you should be or what you should want from life, but these “shoulds” are not necessarily what will bring joy and contentment to your life. The answers to those questions can only be found within yourself. Through this process of self-discovery, you are able to uncover and better understand your values, your wants and desires, what motivates you, what brings you contentment and the list continues. When you know and believe in yourself, the real world, which consists of endless choices and possibilities, does not feel so overwhelming.

The process of self-discovery does not occur overnight (in many ways, it is a lifelong process) so give yourself the time and space you need. Getting to know yourself requires taking time to simply be. As a society, we have become so programmed to do-do-do and to continuously go from one task to the next. Amidst all the “doing” we often forget what the meaning behind all of it really is and whether or not what we are doing actually makes us happy. Taking time to just be and discover who you are can be uncomfortable in the beginning but if you gently push yourself through the discomfort and believe in who you are, the path in front of you will be much more fulfilling and consist of a lot less angst and fear.

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” ~ Aristotle

©Copyright 2010 by Katie Chisholm, Psy.D.. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Katie and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Darren and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

First I want to thank those of you who took time to comment on my last article. I love getting feedback, so keep it coming.

Last time I discussed what happens when members of alcoholic families, who are alcoholic themselves, get sober. The members of these families tend to fall into certain behavioral patterns, or “roles”, which classically include: the hero, the scapegoat (or identified patient), the mascot, the “lost child” and the caretaker. I wanted to explore further the patterns I have observed in my clinical experience with literally hundreds of clients and their families, both in my private practice and at Promises Treatment Center, where I am a therapist in their 30-day residential program.

What’s interesting to observe is how the entire family dynamic changes once their loved one gets sober. I never cease to wonder at how the client’s stabilization in treatment leads inevitably to an increase in their family’s anxiety. Thus, as soon as the client completes detox and starts showing signs of improvement, the parent or sibling or spouse of the client will call the staff in a more anxious state than ever. This, of course, is a sign that the family’s homeostasis is changing, which is terrifying to a dysfunctional system (which tends to reject change) – another reminder that, to paraphrase James Masterson, clients often come to therapy or treatment to feel better, not necessarily to get better (Masterson & Lieberman, 2004).

What happens when a family “mascot” enters the treatment process for alcoholism or addiction? The mascot is someone who lessens family anxiety by providing distraction and deflection, often via humor and comic relief. Here is the “class clown” who can break tension by cracking wise at precisely the right time.

Keep in mind that family members may play more than one role simultaneously; for instance, I once had a client who was a recovering alcoholic – and a stand-up comedian. Quite a good one, in fact. Fortunately, he was able to provide insight and painful emotional truth, along with the laughs. The good news with such a person is that humor is often a filter for truth, so if he/she can step out of the spotlight and get in touch with the pain of addiction, without deflecting it with humor – or to enhance rather than distract from truth – then recovery can begin.

The problem is when the person tries to re-enter the family system. Family members are inevitably going to find themselves unsettled, antsy, perhaps even critical of the clown who sheds the mask. Very often you will hear people say of a recovering mascot, “She used to be so funny, now she’s kind of boring” or “He’s so serious now that he’s sober, what happened to the exciting guy I used to know?” What often happens when a mascot (or any such family member) gets sober, is that the other members (or even close friends and co-workers, etc) are now left with an absence of deflection, or distraction, which creates a void – filled, inevitably, with each persons’ unexamined problems. Now the sibling, parent or spouse of the mascot no longer has the luxury of distraction, and that anxiety must be contained and processed by a system that is inherently uncomfortable with “owning” or processing anxiety healthily.

Thus the mascot may be left with feelings of guilt, shame, self-criticism – the usual feelings that come with early sobriety, magnified by a dysfunctional family system which gives lip service to sobriety but, in fact, isn’t exactly sure how to deal with it. This person may feel they are “causing” the anxiety in a family, when it’s been there all along: in subterranean form. This speaks again to the importance of viewing alcoholism as a “family disease” in which each person is required to look at his/her “stuff” without passing the buck any longer (i.e. shaming/blaming, etc). For each member, this process will at first feel very uncomfortable. But getting better does not guarantee, at least in the beginning, feeling better. Paradoxically, the constant laughter and tension-breaking shenanigans of the mascot, within an actively-addicted family system, has drowned the pain that must now be dealt with head on, if the system is to truly have a shot at health.

This, sadly, did not happen with the sober comedian I mentioned earlier. With sobriety came anger on the part of his spouse, much of which was justified, given the destructive way he behaved in his addiction. However, she refused to acknowledge the fresh start his sobriety provided, declined to get help via al-anon or counseling; in turn, he blamed her for his feelings of guilt, shame and (eventually) rage. Neither took responsibility, or found healthy support, and word has it that he is now drinking and using with abandon while his wife is hurt, angry, and seeking divorce.

References:

1) Masterson, J. & Lieberman, A. (2004), A Therapist’s Guide To The Personality Disorders. Phoenix, AZ: Zeig, Tucker & Theisen.

©Copyright 2010 by Darren Haber, MFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Darren and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Darren and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Sometimes the hardest thing about getting sober is…getting sober – or rather, what “sober” means to the person in regard to their family. This is especially true for members of alcoholic or addictive families, where maintaining the status quo may require members to operate according to prescribed “roles”. Getting sober means surrendering this role, eventually, in order to become more authentic or real.

This is not easy, to say the least, within a family where roles are required to keep the (dysfunctional) system going. The recovery slogan, “The only thing that has to change is everything,” points to the enormity of the change required. Sure, change happens slowly, a day at a time, but addicts are not stupid and understand that their way of handling life and relationships is now subject to change, especially when it comes to the roles they have implicitly been assigned – and accepted. Sobriety can be threatening to both person and family, since alcoholic families have weak coping skills and difficulty adapting to the new. The status quo, or “homeostasis” of such a family, is resistant to change.

Take, for instance, a child or adult child of an alcoholic family who assumes a “hero” role: here is the overachiever who excels at academics, sports, college, and so forth. (These roles most often apply to the children or adult children of such families.) This person feels that they are loved not so much for who they are but what they achieve. When such a person turns out to be an alcoholic, the injury to his/her self-esteem is severe; not only are they letting themselves down (since failure to control drugs or alcohol is often seen initially as a “weakness”), but they’re letting their whole families down by removing their hero-mask and getting real. In the big picture, they are now authentically heroic by having the courage to face their problems. In the short run, however, family members can no longer say, “Well as screwed up as we are, at least we have one high achiever in our midst!” The hero can no longer be celebrated as the “pride and joy” of a struggling family, carried on the shoulders of jubilant parents – and above the heads of their siblings. Now the hero must abandon the mask, come down to their siblings’ level, and risk being seen as a “loser” (or scapegoat), someone who brings stress to the family by challenging homeostasis.

This is enormously difficult terrain to navigate – not only for the sober person but also the family, who may even subtly indicate that maybe their beloved is not really an addict or alcoholic. Very often the messages, conscious or not, sent to the newly sober person are, Please don’t change or Don’t make us change (or look at ourselves honestly). The family may (unintentionally, most of the time) undermine the hero’s sobriety, because of the threat to the status quo. They may pile on a stack of requirements impossible to fulfill; they may create distraction, sabotage therapy, or refuse to support treatment. Siblings may minimize the person’s drinking or using, lest they have to look at their own issues. One rule of thumb you can almost always count on is, Once the alcoholic stabilizes, their family will become more anxious and agitated. Sobriety causes undue stress and agitation within such a system. Thus many heroes feel guilt or remorse, not so much for their own suffering but how they’ve caused their families to suffer, or “make” them suffer by threatening homeostasis.

They may end up trying to be a (false) hero in sobriety by trying to speed their recovery as quickly as possible. Look ma, all better! This rarely works over time, for obvious reasons. Often heroes are surprised at the tepid or lukewarm responses they receive from some family members, responses that may leave them feeling like a scapegoat.

This brings us to role number two. The scapegoat, of course, is the “cause” of most if not all the family’s woes. Their new sobriety, by default, pushes not only the alcoholic but also his family members to begin looking at themselves and “their part” rather than continue to blame. Scapegoats may end up receiving a lot of mixed messages; i.e., we’re glad you’re sober, but you’re still messed up in these ways over here. They may, hopefully, begin to finally receive positive support, which can be an awkward adjustment. A longstanding pattern of negative attention conditions a scapegoat to feel that negative attention and blame is all they will ever get, or even deserve. They often sense, consciously or not, that they are doing a service to the family by distracting or diverting everyone from their own accountability (while continuing to numb their own conscience with alcohol and drugs). Getting sober, in this instance, is often felt by them to be a kind of “betrayal” because now the skeletons will have to be dragged from the closet if he/she wants to truly clean house and drop false pretenses. Many of those skeletons involve family members’ culpability in sins of the past, and some of the old family myths (that it’s all the addict’s fault) are now threatened. Why did our kid get sober again?

Most families, of course, are frightened to face this kind of change, and may cling to the old patterns for dear life. Change is often frightening, even when necessary. The scapegoat may feel some isolation and disorientation as they take the heroic, honest journey of sobriety – stepping out of their role, and away from the family (at least temporarily). This can be a lonely place to be at the beginning, since it’s not at all certain that the family will follow them on their new path.

So it is that the newly sober person – and this applies to both roles described above – is risking abandonment, which is the worst fear an alcoholic family member often has (especially a child or adult child of an alcoholic). Add this to the fact that getting sober is very difficult under any circumstances, and you start to get an idea of the level of commitment required to stay sober. This is why “it takes a village” to help, via recovery (peer support, sponsorship), therapy or counseling, psychiatry and hopefully family counseling as well, to help everyone make the difficult transition to sanity.

Next: In Part II I will discuss what happens when a Mascot or Lost Child gets sober…

©Copyright 2010 by Darren Haber, MFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Darren and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Beth and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

One of the most difficult phases in any life transition is the space of the unknown between a loss or change, and healing or new beginning. All life changes, even positive ones, entail a sense of loss or grief. For example, there is a sense of loss in giving up addictive behaviors like cigarette smoking, despite the fact that the change is a positive one. Even the change of getting a better job or promotion entails loss — you might be giving up security, relationships and the comfort of the known in making such a change. The most difficult changes involve the death of a loved one or death of a relationship.

Our lives are always in transition. Every breath we take involves a transition, from inhaling to exhaling, to the gap or space before the next inhalation. After the end of a phase in our lives, we have a tendency to jump into something (or someone) new, because that space of the unknown can be so uncomfortable. William Bridges (1980) calls this space the “neutral zone.” As Bridges explains (p. 112), “one of the difficulties of being in transition in the modern world is that we have lost our appreciation for this gap in the continuity of existence. For us, emptiness represents only the absence of something. So, when the something is as important as relatedness and purpose and reality, we try to find ways of replacing those missing elements as quickly as possible.”

Resting in the space of the neutral zone — feeling the pain of our loss, exploring our options, getting to know ourselves on a deeper level — is the key to transformation and growth. How can we sit in that space of the unknown that feels anything but neutral, without giving in to the impulse to do something? The first step is to be rather than do, which sounds much easier than it is, until we develop some friendliness toward ourselves and our anxiety. Notice the impulse, and instead of acting on it, explore it with curiosity: Where do you feel it in your body? What is it telling you? Breathe into it and let it be without having to change it in any way.

Mindfulness meditation, especially mindful breathing, is very helpful in learning how to be in the gap or neutral zone: Feel the cool air entering your nostrils on the in-breath. Pause and then feel the warm air leaving your nostrils on the out-breath. Notice in particular how the out-breath dissolves and experience the space before your next in-breath.

Journaling can also be helpful in navigating the neutral zone. Journaling helps us get those swirling emotions out of our bodies and head in a way that is workable and spacious. We can gain some perspective on the stages of our journey — a major function of the neutral zone, and get to appreciate that time as a time for renewal.

Finding a regular time and place to be alone is also helpful in the neutral zone. The period after a loss is a natural time to turn inward. This time of year, the barren stillness of winter, is also a natural time to turn inward. Experience the loss of summer’s richness and the loss of the autumn leaves. Know the gap before spring comes again as a time for renewal. Without death, there can be no rebirth.

The Christian mystics call this gap and time of turning inward the “dark night of the soul.” It is a time to allow ourselves to feel the pain and despair that is a universal part of the human condition in the face of loss and change. We may feel bereft and spiritually arid, and it is necessary to feel those feelings in order to transform them. Despair can be seen as the manure from which spiritual growth and personal transformation arise. As Michael Washburn so beautifully says in the aptly titled article The Paradox of Finding One’s Way by Losing It (1996), “It is only in the depths of despair that genuine spiritual life is found. It is a paradox that we sometimes have to lose our way in order to find our true self. We sometimes have to die to the world and to our worldly self before we can discover that our deepest and truest self was within us all the time.”

REFERENCES

Bridges, W. (1980). Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes. Cambridge, MA: Perseus Books.

Washburn, M. (1996). The Paradox of Finding One’s Way by Losing It: The Dark Night of the Soul and the Emergence of Faith. In Sacred Sorrows, Nelson, J.E and Nelson, A., eds. New York: G. Putnam’s Sons.

©Copyright 2009 by Beth S. Patterson, MA. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Beth and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Jennifer and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

“The elders have sent me to you today to tell you that NOW is like a great rushing river. And this great rushing river will be experienced in many ways. There are many who try to hold on to the shore; there is no shore. The shore is crumbling. The instructions are: Push off into the middle of the river; keep your head above water; see who else is in the river with you; and celebrate”. — Choquosh, Native American storyteller

Recently I have been thinking about how much change we are all going through – the tightening of finances for many people, finding ourselves in positions we have never imagined – moving back in with our families, unable to find work, careers becoming obsolete. The world appears to be moving faster and faster, and becoming more and more stressful. Unforeseen events and unfinished business are challenging us. Relationships are falling apart, stresses we don’t know how to handle are occurring. Many of us seem to be in the midst of a massive transformation, and we are being forced to search for internal resources, as the external appears to continue to unravel.

Some of us have spent our lives developing our competencies. We learned how to make things happen. We learned how to push and we found our value in this, for it kept us safe. But now pushing is not helping us, it is creating more stress. Not accepting where we find ourselves, we try to push ourselves even harder to a “better” place. The problem is that as we PUSH, we are pushing today’s stress into the future. Instead, as we stand in chaos, uncertainty, fear and discomfort, can we find a way to be in a better place internally, to find a center we do not know?

A phrase that comes up occasionally in my yoga class is “surrender into support.” In these stressful times, how can we cooperate with our fate and “surrender into support”? What do we have to learn to move out of a life of struggle and into a life of ease and grace?

One thing that helps me is becoming aware of my “energy.” I notice when I am feeling happy or carefree. I notice when I am feeling stressed. Why am I happy some moments and not others? What is occurring, what am I telling myself? When I feel happy I feel trusting and safe. I am not worrying about the future, but usually am immersed in the present. When I am stressed I often am giving myself negative messages such as, “I have to hurry”, “I have too much to do”, “this will never work out”, or “I’m not safe.” Notice how you feel as you read these phrases. You’re probably tensing up. Sometimes as we become aware of our own messages, we can shift them. We can decide to be different. Other times they are attached to deeper wounds that require unraveling. Do you know what you get stuck in, what makes you feel insecure or triggers internal messages that harm you?

If you are working on a relationship or in a dilemma, ask yourself these questions. For example:

What is triggering me? – I lost my job, or she is mad at me.
What happens in my body? – I tense up, or I check out.
What does my mind say? – I have to make this happen, or it’s all my fault.
How do I respond? – I worry, or I start explaining and defending myself.

Take a minute and think about one of your struggles. Dissect it with the above questions. Identify the underlying fears. When we are afraid; we get stressed; we lose perspective.

To surrender into support, step back and see the bigger picture. When we step back, we are not so caught in the moment and we have more perspective. Our lives involve traveling through different chapters and conditions. We are bigger than the current landscape of our lives. Perhaps as our lives are being dismantled to the foundation, we can rebuild ourselves differently. We can let go of the shore of the river, and find a way to celebrate.

©Copyright 2009 by Jennifer Lehr, MA, MFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Jennifer and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

We are going through a transformation . . . individually and globally. Many people are scared . . . they haven’t been taught about transformation. They haven’t been taught how to go through it.

Many people are afraid . . . so many things that are part of transformation
trigger feelings from long, long ago, trigger fear from long ago.
The triggering is a guide to the healing.
The feelings from earlier times are the guides to our healing and transforming –
if we learn how to discern them from here and now feelings;
if we learn how to utilize them safely and draw a boundary so we feel them
but don’t act out on them;
if we learn to build our capacity to feel them;
if we follow through and allow ourselves to go through the feelings at the heart
of the wound and out the other side.

Many people are afraid of change . . .
are afraid of the unknown . . .

But we have examples in nature that show us how.

For example . . . the snake.
In regular cycles, the snake sheds its skin.
About a week before the shedding begins,
the old skin starts to lift away from the new skin.
At this point the snake’s eyes begin to become cloudy,
and for the time of the shedding, the snake is unable to see.
The snake is temporarily blind.
And the new skin underneath
that remains after the shedding
is tender.

When we are in this stage of transformation -
of shedding whatever in ourselves and our lives
needs to be let go – it is scary.
We are not used to being blind,
especially without knowing if we will ever see again.
We do everything we can not to be tender, or raw.

But if we can breathe through the blindness,
Breathe through the unknown,
Breathe through any discomfort during the shedding or right after,
Breathe through and allow the process of the transformation
to occur . . .
instead of interfering with the shedding,
we can be a help in our own transformation.

Many blessings as you shed!
Judith

©Copyright 2009 by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

A comment from Todd in response my most recent GoodTherapy.org Ethics Column, touched me. How brave and sincere. And what an important question! I tend to focus on right use of power as any use of personal and professional power to heal harm, repair harm, reduce harm, and facilitate the common good. Inspiring, yes. But given our personal history with power and our dominant cultural frame for power (force), how do we get there? How really do we change historic and embedded habits, beliefs, and patterns?

Here’s what Todd says: “I grew up in a forceful household and that caused me to be the same way in my own home. I do not like it but that was how I was trained and even why I try to do things differently I always find myself back in that forceful position and way of handling things. It is the only way that I know. My kids I know hate me for that. How do I make that change to be a more collaborative person instead of what I am?”

Again, thanks for asking this question. As a psychotherapist and teacher, here’s my take on the process of changing at the level you are seeking. Notice which one or ones appeal to you and experiment with them as tools to help you shift into a more effective and satisfying set of responses.

Notice Something Isn’t the Way You’d Like it to Be
You’ve already taken the first and biggest step. Using your situation, Todd, as an example: You can see how you want to use your power with your kids (and, I assume in other areas of your life); and you can see the negative impact of the way you have been using your power. (Your kids hate you for it.) How painful that must be. Trying is important, but as you notice, not quite sufficient for change.

Use Imaging Power (Image what you want without denying the current situation.)
There is an image that has stuck with me from Robert Fritz’s The Path of Least Resistence. I image clearly, visually and as a felt sense, how I want things to be. Then I notice how things are…”current reality”. I then imagine an elastic band holding these two stretched apart. Then I “let go” and trust that these two organically want to come together and integrate (as an elastic band seeks to reduce the tension). I’m understanding and appreciating that my old patterns have some wisdom (protection, direction, control, expression of caring) even if this is now misguided or over-used and that integration will increase my range and discernment in expression.

Engage Your Cusiosity
Curiosity is a powerful attitude to use in making changes. Be curious to understand exactly how you are doing what you are doing. Moshe Feldenkrais is quoted as saying, “You can’t do what you want until you know exactly how you are doing what you are doing.” Here’s where curiosity is more potent than negative self-judgment. Try putting your curiosity generated information into a visual spiral map. First this happens, then this happens, then this happens, then this, and then the cycle starts over again. For example, again using Todd’s experience as an example: “I see my daughter doing something I don’t like, I try to force her not to do this, she resists, I get more forceful, she hates me, I feel unsuccessful and mad, I see my daughter acting in a way I don’t like….and the whole cycle repeats. Sooo familiar.”

Old Story /New Story
Bring to mind and a felt sense, a typical event that triggers the familiar repeating cycle that you want to change. Notice what happens in your body—posture, feeling, breath… Discover what story you are making up about yourself.

For example: Event—someone tells me they didn’t like how I did something. Body—I look down and tighten up. Story I make up–I am incompetent and can’t do anything right.

Now see what new story you would like to grow into. New Story—I am competent and can increase my skill. Body—When I am in this new story, I stand tall, feel my core strength, and can stay in contact. I know that I can make good use of feedback from others.

Let Yourself Be Nourished
When you stop efforting, let yourself be nourished by small shifts in your attitude or responses. Change sometimes happens spontaneously, and sometimes in little increments over time. Generally a change in an organizing belief moves from 1) always or never, 2) sometimes, 3) even if, 4) resiliency. It also tends to move from external reference to internal reference.
An example not related to Todd: 1) I always give away my power, 2) okay, now I see that sometimes I do stand up for myself, 3) even when things don’t go well, it doesn’t mean I’m weak and inadequate, 4) I am confident that I can handle situations with resilience.

Address Concerns
Ask yourself what parts of you have concerns about the change you want to make. (I.e. Maybe some part of you is worried that if you start being more collaborative, you will seem weak or lose control or be humiliated…. whatever.) The information from this question is often surprising and understandable from a historic or cultural point of view. Then ask what does this concerned part of you need to be able to stop interfering with the change. (I.e. Maybe the concerned part needs to know and learn to trust that a new way will be more effective and satisfying and doesn’t involve becoming weak; or that you will still be able to use directive power when appropriate…. Maybe the needs are even simpler.) What appears to be resistence usually responds and softens with acknowledgment.
(Thank you to the Hakomi Method, Internal Family Systems and Western Qabalah for this.)

Do it Over
Look for moments and situations in which it is possible to “do it over.” Again, using Todd’s situation, see what happens if you tell your children, you didn’t like the way that went down. Ask if you could do it over again differently. Even when people feel hurt, I find that they generally feel remarkably generous when they know you are trying to change an attitude or behavior. They will try to support.

Get Support
Talk with your family (or your colleagues) about the change you are trying to make and get their support. Support can be emotional or in the form of feedback or willingness to do it over. Perhaps you can link this with offering them support for a change they are wanting to make.
Change is a constant. Change is evolution. Change is a process. A change in a belief and habit is something happening that wasn’t possible before.

©Copyright 2009 Cedar Barstow, M.Ed., C.H.T. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Sarah and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

I am writing this article as the plane I’m on rises to join a sky that clamors to support and embrace it. And as I struggle to wrestle my unruly, petulant judgments about air travel, I find myself reflecting on the actual journey that I have taken. Not a vacation, but my return to from where I lived most of my years as a young adult. I had returned to Virginia to help my mother, and all of her memories packed in unassuming boxes, as they travel to their new home in Arizona.

The process of moving my mother, and our history in Virginia also comes on the heels of a dear friend’s request to write a letter for his parents as part of a scrapbook in celebration of their anniversary. And as both of these experiences ask for my reflection upon “the past,” I find that they also make me consider the idea of “attachment” and “impermanence.” Maybe you can relate.

The classic saying about change is that change is the only thing that is truly predictable; nevertheless, and as my trip to Virginia serves to remind me, no matter what one is attached to, it is not “permanent.” Thought it may be uncomfortable, and illicit strong reactions as you consider it, impermanence is what is permanent. Everything, and anything in life, is temporary, even this very moment. For while we may seek to get attached to things, people, events, substances, emotions, money, objects, beliefs, perceptions of others, even memories of the past, and ourselves, it is predictable that things do end. We just do all that we can to avoid it.

The Attachment

You see, it is our attachment to having that experience, that relationship, that purchase “we just can’t live without” that causes pain, because we are constantly seeking something. Then, as if in a karmic house of cards tumbling down, someone or something else becomes that next thing we want. It is never-ending, for the something just changes form, all to maintain the idea that we are not enough, in and of ourselves, without it, whatever it is.

But we can live without it, for our relationship with what we seek will have to change for us to reduce our pain. It is, ironically, when we release the want for something that we remember how to live, and enjoy knowing that we already have enough. By not hoarding and accumulating that which, truly, does not serve our highest good and that which is our true nature, we obtain freedom.

Furthermore, even our attachment to things “staying as they are” causes us great pain, for it is in the attachment, the desire, the focus on that which we seek to possess, that creates the struggle. Our true self is not found in that item, relationship, next experience, substance, nor were they found in the boxes of memories at my mother’s house.

Memories

As I went through the boxes, I noticed a subtle but overt reaction in me, some kind of yearning, a pang of something that sought my attention, that wanted me to explore and dive into it, feet first and without reservation. And what I found was somewhat disquieting. For it wasn’t the memories themselves tugging at my heartstrings, like a mad puppeteer, it was my attachment to their meaning.

As I allowed myself to dive into the experience, I became conscious of my attachment to the idea of how many of those relationships reflected in those boxes of memories, used to be. Of course, also forgetting the impermanence of the relationships and the transitory nature of every one we have. And, by attaching to the images of those relationships, back then, I missed the value of accepting those relationships, in the now. My true self wanted me to look at those relationships today. See them in the purest form, and be accepting of their appearance in the present.

From those boxes of childhood photographs and memorabilia I also could revisit the relationships and their reminder that now, is not then. In my life, for example, the dear friend whose relationship was that of the brother I never had, I can learn to let go of how it “used to be,” and meet his struggle with addiction and anxiety with compassion. For it is in any attachment to “back then” that we can be seduced to ignore the present. Instead, I have to consciously witness his behavior from the now, as opposed to denying it, just to maintain an attachment to the idea of who he “used to be.”

Not only did my true self ask me to drop my attachment to solely seeing many of my relationships as they used be, I was also reminded to cherish their evolution. For example, even staying in contact with a first love, cherishing his friendship, but from a place of acknowledging the man he has become, and his life now, rather than identifying solely with memories of “back then.”

For it is in the avoidance of impermanence that we reaffirm an attachment to the past. Instead, we must see the cast of characters in our memories, and ourselves, as they are now, not just as they were. Reminding us that impermanence is the only permanent thing.

©Copyright 2009 by Sarah Jenkins, MC, LPC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry.
Click here to contact Sarah and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Mary and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Transitions come into our lives in many forms.  Some are the result of choices we make: a job change, the decision to have a baby, divorce.  Some are part of the normal progression of life, like graduation, promotion and retirement. Some come unexpectedly when we are faced with illness, downsizing or relocation.  All transitions, those we seek and those that surprise us require change.  They are a threat to the usualness of our lives.  Often, though we know transitions are coming, we are unprepared for our reactions to them. They may awaken fears about the future and frustrations with things that are out of our control.   The good news is that transitions are springboards into our future.  Whether timely or not, they put us in a position to review who we are, how we are living and what we want from the rest of our lives.  Transitions allow us to become the author of the next chapter of our autobiography. 

Transitions always require some sort of ending. We must say goodbye to whatever we are leaving: the school, the neighborhood, the home, the family or the old self.  Even when the transition is a good one, we need to acknowledge a loss or change, and sometimes we need to actually grieve. Trying to skip this step or pretending there are no feelings about an ending usually does not work.  Fortunately we have rituals that help in this process.  We hold graduation ceremonies, promotion dinners and moving-away parties to both honor the end and celebrate the new beginning.  People who do not truly say goodbye to the past life may have difficulty in the new one.  When too many of our thoughts go into the old friends, old job, old school or how things used to be, we have no energy left to participate in the new life in front of us.

Though endings can be hard and new beginning scary, the hardest part of a transition is the middle, uncertain phase.  During this time it is hard to know if our decisions have been good ones.  We are unclear if the path we are on will turn out for the best.  However, we can usually tolerate that up-in-the-air feeling if the transition has meaning for us.  In fact, the uncertainty can be exhilarating if we feel that we are moving closer to a goal we desire.

Here are some tips to help through a transition:

• Remember that our perceptions are not always accurate.  When we are in transition we may “awfulize” (tell ourselves that things are worse than they really are).  We should use our self-talk to stay grounded.  Thinking, “I can handle this,” is much better than thinking: “Everything is hopeless.”  We should be careful to keep from re-hashing our fears and upsets, especially with our children.  Sometimes adopting a confident wait-and-see attitude can smooth a transition better than trying to force an outcome.

• Talk to someone who can help.  Who?  Any family member, friend or professional who can keep from catching your anxiety and remain objective.  Someone who says, “I can see that you are struggling, but you seem okay,” or “Is there something specific you need to do that would help you feel better?” can help us keep our perspective.  Talking with someone also can help us keep our eye on what we value instead of being sidetracked by less significant details.

• Pay attention to all of your internal messages.  We often want to silence the parts of us that have fearful or negative views of our change.  These parts are as valid as the parts that are cheerleaders for change.  The worried parts often just want us to be realistic about our transition and they need reassurance that we are not rushing blindly into a fantasyland future.

• Try logging your experiences.  Write down what is happening, how you are feeling about it, what you need to do, what you fear and what you desire. Getting our thoughts into a concrete form can help stop the rumination and get us into action.

• Allow yourself time to be quiet.  There is often busyness that accompanies change and transition and it is easy to minimize or suppress our feelings until things have settled down.  Taking some regular time, maybe even daily time, to sit quietly and reflect will keep you in touch with your inner wisdom and spirit.

• Review your past transitions.  Recognize that you have handled many transitions in the past and have demonstrated over and over the resilience to tolerate change.  Pay attention, too, to the fact that most transitions, even ones we did not choose, have created new opportunities for personal growth and success. Imagine that the new job, neighborhood, school or relationship will bring rewards you cannot yet visualize.  Can you see how believing in your resilience to face the future can influence your behavior right now?  This belief will let you embark on your next transition with hope, confidence and eagerness for your new beginning.

©Copyright 2007 Mary DuParri, MA, LPC  All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. The article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Click here to contact Mary and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile