By Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D., Anger Topic Expert Contributor

Click here to contact Jeanette and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

I do what you want, but you never let me do what I want!
Duncan had his heart set on the new BMW sports car, but Estelle wondered whether it was the best way of spending money at this point. There were other more important priorities like her business start up, the kids school fees and house repairs to consider.

Duncan blew up. “You never let me have what I want! When you wanted to go to Peru I agreed because I knew what that meant to you. I let you choose the living room furniture even though I hated it. Yet when something is important to me you pour cold water all over it, and make me feel selfish.” Read the rest of this entry

By Beth S. Patterson, MA, LPC, Grief & Loss Topic Expert Contributor

Click here to contact Beth and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

The intense and painful experiences of grief are generally considered “normal.” However, when those experiences are extremely distressing, unduly interfere with day-to-day functioning or do not subside to a manageable level over time, the bereaved may be experiencing complicated or traumatic grief. Complicated grief has been proposed as a new diagnostic category in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), and suggested components of the diagnosis include (1) that sufferers experience bereavement by death; (2) that their reactions include intrusive and distressing symptoms, including yearning, longing and searching for the deceased; and (3) that the bereaved exhibit at least four marked and persistent trauma reactions, which may include: “avoidance of reminders of the deceased, purposelessness, feelings of futility, difficulty imagining a life without the deceased, numbness, detachment, feeling stunned, dazed or shocked, feeling that life is empty or meaningless, feeling a part of oneself has died, disbelief, excessive anger or bitterness related to the death, and identification symptoms or harmful behaviors resembling those suffered by the deceased” (Mitchell et al, 2004, p. 13).

Even in cases that do not fit the criteria for complicated grief as described above, the events surrounding the death may be sufficiently traumatic to interfere with daily functioning or result in unrelenting distress. As a psychotherapist specializing in grief and loss, I have found EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) to be an effective tool for alleviating trauma in grief. As in grief, trauma affects the whole person — body, mind and spirit, and on a hierarchy of needs, trauma must be dealt with in order for the healing process of grief to proceed in a healthy, and healing, fashion. Read the rest of this entry

By Pamela Lipe, MS, LP, Relationships & Marriage Topic Expert Contributor

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Somehow you have ended up on the wrong side of the “whose fault was it” argument with your spouse. You know it was your fault but you have lots of really good reasons why you acted like you did. Plus, you were well intentioned and actually only said those things because your partner needed to hear them. Nonetheless, you can see that there is a breach in the relationship and if you don’t do a repair, you are not going to like the icy silence or hot reproachful words that come back. So, it is time for an apology—to eat crow, “fess up,” or bow low to ask for a pardon.

Actually, I find myself in this position more than I like to admit. In all honesty, I don’t like to apologize. Sometimes, I have trouble getting my attitude right so my words don’t sound very sincere. At other times, I simply do not think I’m the one in the wrong. I will begin to list the ways I am right, with sound reasons, wonderful logic, and a clear sense of righteousness on my side. As you might guess, that doesn’t work either. Read the rest of this entry

A GoodTherapy.org News Headline

Around the world, bullying in schools presents problems that can range from the slight to the serious, with many children suffering from chronic, violent behaviors that can detract from academic performance as well as happiness. Finding ways to combat this issue is largely dependent on the attitudes of children, suggests the work produced by a Spanish study on bullying. Unfortunately, the study’s findings suggest that children accept that bullying has been and always will be part of life, thereby justifying it to themselves and creating a psychological block against its addressing and prevention. The study may, however, help the mental health professional community understand how to help children overcome bullying issues.

© Copyright 2009 by http://www.GoodTherapy.org Therapist Oakland Bureau - All Rights Reserved.

By Mitchell Milch, LCSW

Click here to contact Mitchell and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

If I’ve witnessed it once I’ve witnessed it a few hundred times during my years counseling couples. One partner reacts as if his self worth has been decimated by words or actions originating from his partner. The curious and perplexing aspect of observing this process unfold, relates to specific instances when from my perspective evidence of anything that smacks of criticism or judgment is as detectable as an evaporated water spot on a shirt.

This brief article discusses the imperceptible shifts that can take place between partners that explain how one partner ceases to use and value his autonomous self to relate to and process his partner’s communications and then, blames the partner for feeling useless and worthless when an emotional crisis is precipitated. Such a crisis is borne of disappointed expectations shaped by lessons learned at the knee of caregivers that have curiously stood the test of time despite being invalid and unreliable. To illustrate this theme I offer a clinical illustration. The spouses are composites of patients I have worked with over the years. Read the rest of this entry

By Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D., Body-Mind Psychotherapy Topic Expert Contributor

Click here to contact Jeanette and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Achieving her goals was a bit too easy for Nadine.
Thirty-five year old writer and director Nadine got three clients as soon as she put the word out about her new venture as an acting coach. Her script for a TV show was accepted and she was hired to direct the production. She was amazed at how quickly and effortlessly everything was falling into place.

Nadine’s dreams were about to come true. Her talents were prized and she felt giddy with excitement. Expressing her creativity felt authentic but scary. She dared to imagine being famous. She dared to imagine herself happily married with a family. She dared to imagine having it all. Read the rest of this entry

A GoodTherapy.org News Summary

When the issue of problem gambling –an addiction that can have dire consequences for individuals and families– comes to mind, many people think of those in the middle or later years of their lives, but as with all mental health issues, problem gambling doesn’t limit its potentially debilitating effects to a single age group. Young people, even adolescents, can find themselves grappling with the complications of problem gambling, and young boys especially may be at particular risk. Recently, a study was conducted which links occurrences of problem gambling with other signs of conduct issues, giving parents, general practice doctors, and mental health professionals a more distinct ability to screen for a variety of difficulties often experienced by modern boys.

The study found that boys were significantly more prone to developing conduct issues, such as vandalism, impulsive behaviors, lying, shoplifting, aggression, and substance abuse, than were girls, though as a collected group, the surveyed youth revealed that those with conduct difficulties had a twenty three percent chance of also experiencing difficulties with risky gambling and addiction. The researchers noted that for each additional symptom of conduct issues that was reported, participating youth had another eighty percent jump in likelihood to have an issue with problem gambling as well, a strong correlation that provides ample persuasion for cross-screening young clients. Read the rest of this entry

© Copyright 2009 by http://www.GoodTherapy.org Therapist San Jose Bureau - All Rights Reserved.

A GoodTherapy.org News Headline

In the gym, the notion that one has to suffer a bit to succeed in building muscle or losing weight is a common one, yet this idea is rarely applied to life in general. Seeking to discover the roots of happiness as they relate to stress or discomfort, a study sponsored by San Francisco State University has found that this same principle is relevant in the mastering of skills which in turn promotes happiness. Asking participants to report both during skill-aquiring and honing activities, and at a later point, the researchers found that momentary stress and discomfort were present initially, but that a positive memory emerged at a later point, in which the participants described the activities as adding happiness to their day. The work has recently been published in the Journal of Happiness Studies.

© Copyright 2009 by http://www.GoodTherapy.org Therapist Naperville Bureau - All Rights Reserved.

By Dana Vince, LMHC, Infidelity Topic Expert Contributor

Click here to contact Dana and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Where do you begin when you’ve just found out your spouse has had an affair? Or, what if you are the one who’s had the affair and your partner has just found out?

If you’ve just found out your partner has had an affair, be prepared for the roller coaster of emotions. It is not a time to make any permanent life-changing decisions. Here are some important things to consider:

• You do not have to know right now if you are going to stay or go. You are in crisis and may feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you. Give yourself time to make important decisions. Emotions are very raw right now so it’s okay to not know which direction to go yet. Read the rest of this entry

By Roni Weisberg-Ross, L.M.F.T., Abuse Topic Expert Contributor

“A Social Problem Does Not Exist For A Society Until It Is Recognized By That Society To Exist” – H. Blumer

The following is the first of a three-part series of articles:

It was in a high school literature class that I was first introduced to the Oedipus Complex, defined as “a boy’s unresolved desire for sexual gratification through the parent of the opposite sex, especially the desire of a son for his mother”. It was in a college film class that I was shown a famous French film entitled “Murmur of the Heart” which took the Oedipal theme and played it out in a contemporary middle class setting. In this film, the sensitive youngest son of a beautiful, tempestuous Italian woman is ushered into manhood by her as he recovers from a heart murmur at a countryside sanitarium. The film would have you believe that although mother and son both realized that they had crossed a forbidden line, neither was scarred by the experience, and that in fact the son was now able to go on and become a man. At the time, I never questioned the implications of this theme. Read the rest of this entry

A GoodTherapy.org News Headline

There are many negative aspects of thoughts and feelings of depression that can interfere with an individual’s daily life, and the emergence of physical symptoms associated with the issue may play a major role in overall outlook and mood. A study conducted at the University of Iowa found that those with depression issues also report stronger common discomfort symptoms such as various aches and gastrointestinal problems when asked to reflect on how they had previously felt and recorded. The research asked a group of women to record their levels of discomfort daily, and to report them again at a later date; those with signs of depression exaggerated their symptoms on follow-up reports, suggesting that the mental health concern may have an impact on self-perception as to personal health.

© Copyright 2009 by http://www.GoodTherapy.org Therapist Los Gatos Bureau - All Rights Reserved.

A GoodTherapy.org News Headline

Through most people would characterize the experience of raising children as a positive one overall, having kids –especially in high numbers– has been reported as detracting from life satisfaction levels in some studies. Challenging this notion, a recent study from the University of Glasgow has shown that satisfaction actually goes up in married couples, and increases with the addition of more children. The study suggests that those who “gear up” for child rearing and have the social, psychological, and real-world resources typically offered by marriage are more likely to find parenthood rewarding than those who are single or separated.

© Copyright 2009 by http://www.GoodTherapy.org Therapist Bellevue Bureau - All Rights Reserved.

A GoodTherapy.org News Headline

Recent debates about the acceptability of torture in certain situations has led to renewed academic interest in the subject, and a study at Harvard University has examined the effects of complicity on perceptions of guilt among people submitted to pain or stress. The study split participants into those who met and did not meet a woman who was later heard being “tortured” over an intercom by having her hand placed in ice water, based on the accusation that she had cheated to secure money. Those participants who met the woman and responded to the feigned torture reported higher levels of suspected guilt the more the woman appeared to suffer, whereas those who did not meet the woman–-thus not taking part in the witnessing of ongoing torture–were more likely to suspect less guilt as apparent pain level and distress rose. The study may have important implications for understanding the psychology of torture administration and prevention.

© Copyright 2009 by http://www.GoodTherapy.org Therapist Columbia Bureau - All Rights Reserved.

A GoodTherapy.org News Headline

The search for effective tools to help people quit smoking has been underway for many decades, with scores of mental health professionals devoting some or all of their careers to assisting clients curb the habit. A study aiming at addressing smoking with the help of virtual reality has recently concluded, with positive findings that may make the technological technique popular for cessation programs. Participants who crushed virtual cigarettes as part of a smoking cessation program showed significantly greater rates of abstinence and lowered nicotine addiction at the end of the treatment and at a six-month follow up than participants who squeezed a virtual ball. As virtual reality technology advances, so too may addiction treatment programs.

© Copyright 2009 by http://www.GoodTherapy.org Therapist Roswell Bureau - All Rights Reserved.

A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by John Rhead, Ph.D.

Click here to contact John and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

The song from which I borrowed my title continues: “The one you shouldn’t hurt at all.” Yet it does indeed seem to be nearly universal that we hurt, and are hurt by, those with whom we believe we are “in love.”

When we are on the receiving end of the hurt we usually try to understand it in one of four ways: (1) My partner doesn’t understand enough about my sensitive spots, and if I can just get him or her to understand where I am vulnerable then he or she will be more careful not to poke me in those spots. (2) My partner is unconsciously angry at me for some reason, perhaps my gender, and is acting out that anger in a hostile way. (3) My partner has some conscious anger at me for some way he or she feels I have been the cause of his or her pain and I need to either (a) explain that he or she took my words the wrong way and therefore should not feel hurt, or (b) acknowledge the way I have caused him or her pain and promise to refrain from doing it again. (4) I am just being completely paranoid and misinterpreting my partner’s loving behavior as something hurtful. Read the rest of this entry

A GoodTherapy.org News Summary

There are scores of reasons why a given individual might think about or consider suicide, and many of them are deeply personal. But sometimes, the cause of such thoughts and overwhelming feelings may have a lot to do with the local environment, an issue which mental health professionals, public health workers, and governments are especially concerned about addressing. Recently, an extensive survey was carried out in parts of China which described a strong link between various uses and storage methods of common pesticides and incidences of suicidal thoughts. The survey was conducted following rising concerns over national suicide rates and outcry over the use of organophosphates, pesticides which have been banned in most Western countries but which are still employed in many parts of the world.

The survey examined the mental health and suicidal ideas primarily in farmers and their families living in rural areas. With large amounts of the organophosphate pesticides used to grow various crops, those living in such areas are easily able to absorb low dosages through the lungs and skin. Farmers and others who live in rural environments are exposed to the pesticides through the consumption of contaminated crops, and may also receive unhealthy dosages by storing the pesticides in unsafe ways or in excessive amounts. Over time, this exposure may lead to mental health issues, a side effect which has resulted in the discontinuation of organophosphates in the west. Read the rest of this entry

© Copyright 2009 by http://www.GoodTherapy.org Therapist Longwood Bureau - All Rights Reserved.

A GoodTherapy.org News Summary

As might be imagined, a number of elderly people who struggle with various forms of cancer also experience thoughts and feelings of depression, an issue which has prompted those in several disciplines of medicine to seek new ways to help improve the quality of life of this specific group. While the administration of anti-depressant medications is an option taken by many general practice physicians, a strong push to supplement such treatments with more reliable, potentially beneficial counseling and other mental health services has gained momentum in recent years, one of the results of which is a study evaluating the efficacy of a new collaborative treatment program for seniors with cancer.

The program, dubbed IMPACT, or Improving Mood-Promoting Access to Collaborative Treatment, focused on providing elderly cancer patients in a study group with direction and support for any anti-depressant or other psychiatric drugs being taken, along with supportive counseling treatment in a structured environment on a consistent schedule, including participation in pleasant events and the introduction of problem resolution strategies. The researchers involved with the study found that those participants who took part in the IMPACT program had a significantly higher rate of recovery than those who received usual care, a difference of twenty one percent in favor of the collaborative approach. Read the rest of this entry

© Copyright 2009 by http://www.GoodTherapy.org Therapist Hollywood Bureau - All Rights Reserved.

A GoodTherapy.org News Headline

Though the emergency of mental health difficulties can be greatly challenging in its own right, such an emergence is often accompanied by a range of issues that may create debilitating situations for some mental health clients. Among these issues, high incidences of stressful conditions, high-exposure jobs, and stomach and intestinal discomfort and complications are common, prompting the work of two studies recently presented to a conference on gastrointestinal medicine. While the studies largely considered the impact of stressful environments on stomach and intestinal health, the clear links between such elements and a decline in mental health suggest a need for more extensive cross-screening among clients exhibiting such symptoms.

© Copyright 2009 by http://www.GoodTherapy.org Therapist Santa Rosa Bureau - All Rights Reserved.

A GoodTherapy.org News Headline

The use of anti-depressant medications is steeply on the rise, with many mental health professionals concerned about the frequency with which people experiencing mental health difficulties rely entirely on pharmaceuticals to relieve symptoms. Part of this concern stems from the fact that for many clients, anti-depressants simply don’t work, a problem that a recent study conducted at Northwestern University has suggested can be explained in the preoccupation with treating symptoms of stress. The research provides evidence for clear genetic distinctions between stress and depression, noting that the latter is an entirely different phenomenon within the brain and suggesting that it should be treated differently, as a result. The study may help wean Americans and concerned clients worldwide from modern dependency on psychiatric medications.

© Copyright 2009 by http://www.GoodTherapy.org Therapist Lafayette Bureau - All Rights Reserved.

By Barbi Pecenco Kolski, MA

The most damaging thing we can do to our partner is to shame them. What does shaming sound like? It is most often a statement made with a tone that conveys disgust and gives our partner the message that they aren’t OK or are somehow bad or wrong. Here are some examples I’ve heard in my office or used on my husband (before I learned how bad shaming is for relationships):

• “What is the matter with you?” or “What the hell were you thinking?”
• “Be a real man” or “Man up” or “What kind of a man would ask me to pay rent?”
• “You are disgusting!” or “You are a loser!”
• “Joe Shmoe is a real family man.” (implying that your partner isn’t)
• “You are just like your mother/father.” (if this isn’t a compliment and let’s face it, it usually isn’t!)
• “You’re crazy!” or “You’re so emotional!” or “You’re so needy!” or better yet “You’re psycho!”

Shaming can also be conveyed non-verbally by eye-rolling, huffing and puffing, giving a nasty look, or being sarcastic. Read the rest of this entry