By Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT, Family of Origin Issues Topic Expert Contributor

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If you are one of the many out there who finds yourself in repetitive patterns of unhealthy relationships, perhaps you might benefit from identifying your attachment style – which not only could answer some fundamental questions for you around your relationship “triggers” but also provide clues as to why you attract certain types of people.

There is great deal of research out there on infant attachment (John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth to name a few) about how early interactions with caregivers set up “internal working models” of expectations of how others will behave towards them in the future. Infants that do not feel physically or emotionally safe (responding to cries, mirroring appropriate facial expressions) with their primary caregivers may ultimately become adults who struggle in a variety of ways relationally. Read the rest of this entry

By Pamela Lipe, MS, LP, Relationships & Marriage Topic Expert Contributor

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Somehow you have ended up on the wrong side of the “whose fault was it” argument with your spouse. You know it was your fault but you have lots of really good reasons why you acted like you did. Plus, you were well intentioned and actually only said those things because your partner needed to hear them. Nonetheless, you can see that there is a breach in the relationship and if you don’t do a repair, you are not going to like the icy silence or hot reproachful words that come back. So, it is time for an apology—to eat crow, “fess up,” or bow low to ask for a pardon.

Actually, I find myself in this position more than I like to admit. In all honesty, I don’t like to apologize. Sometimes, I have trouble getting my attitude right so my words don’t sound very sincere. At other times, I simply do not think I’m the one in the wrong. I will begin to list the ways I am right, with sound reasons, wonderful logic, and a clear sense of righteousness on my side. As you might guess, that doesn’t work either. Read the rest of this entry

By Mitchell Milch, LCSW

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If I’ve witnessed it once I’ve witnessed it a few hundred times during my years counseling couples. One partner reacts as if his self worth has been decimated by words or actions originating from his partner. The curious and perplexing aspect of observing this process unfold, relates to specific instances when from my perspective evidence of anything that smacks of criticism or judgment is as detectable as an evaporated water spot on a shirt.

This brief article discusses the imperceptible shifts that can take place between partners that explain how one partner ceases to use and value his autonomous self to relate to and process his partner’s communications and then, blames the partner for feeling useless and worthless when an emotional crisis is precipitated. Such a crisis is borne of disappointed expectations shaped by lessons learned at the knee of caregivers that have curiously stood the test of time despite being invalid and unreliable. To illustrate this theme I offer a clinical illustration. The spouses are composites of patients I have worked with over the years. Read the rest of this entry

By Dana Vince, LMHC, Infidelity Topic Expert Contributor

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Where do you begin when you’ve just found out your spouse has had an affair? Or, what if you are the one who’s had the affair and your partner has just found out?

If you’ve just found out your partner has had an affair, be prepared for the roller coaster of emotions. It is not a time to make any permanent life-changing decisions. Here are some important things to consider:

• You do not have to know right now if you are going to stay or go. You are in crisis and may feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you. Give yourself time to make important decisions. Emotions are very raw right now so it’s okay to not know which direction to go yet. Read the rest of this entry

A GoodTherapy.org News Headline

Through most people would characterize the experience of raising children as a positive one overall, having kids –especially in high numbers– has been reported as detracting from life satisfaction levels in some studies. Challenging this notion, a recent study from the University of Glasgow has shown that satisfaction actually goes up in married couples, and increases with the addition of more children. The study suggests that those who “gear up” for child rearing and have the social, psychological, and real-world resources typically offered by marriage are more likely to find parenthood rewarding than those who are single or separated.

© Copyright 2009 by http://www.GoodTherapy.org Therapist Bellevue Bureau - All Rights Reserved.

A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by John Rhead, Ph.D.

Click here to contact John and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

The song from which I borrowed my title continues: “The one you shouldn’t hurt at all.” Yet it does indeed seem to be nearly universal that we hurt, and are hurt by, those with whom we believe we are “in love.”

When we are on the receiving end of the hurt we usually try to understand it in one of four ways: (1) My partner doesn’t understand enough about my sensitive spots, and if I can just get him or her to understand where I am vulnerable then he or she will be more careful not to poke me in those spots. (2) My partner is unconsciously angry at me for some reason, perhaps my gender, and is acting out that anger in a hostile way. (3) My partner has some conscious anger at me for some way he or she feels I have been the cause of his or her pain and I need to either (a) explain that he or she took my words the wrong way and therefore should not feel hurt, or (b) acknowledge the way I have caused him or her pain and promise to refrain from doing it again. (4) I am just being completely paranoid and misinterpreting my partner’s loving behavior as something hurtful. Read the rest of this entry

By Barbi Pecenco Kolski, MA

The most damaging thing we can do to our partner is to shame them. What does shaming sound like? It is most often a statement made with a tone that conveys disgust and gives our partner the message that they aren’t OK or are somehow bad or wrong. Here are some examples I’ve heard in my office or used on my husband (before I learned how bad shaming is for relationships):

• “What is the matter with you?” or “What the hell were you thinking?”
• “Be a real man” or “Man up” or “What kind of a man would ask me to pay rent?”
• “You are disgusting!” or “You are a loser!”
• “Joe Shmoe is a real family man.” (implying that your partner isn’t)
• “You are just like your mother/father.” (if this isn’t a compliment and let’s face it, it usually isn’t!)
• “You’re crazy!” or “You’re so emotional!” or “You’re so needy!” or better yet “You’re psycho!”

Shaming can also be conveyed non-verbally by eye-rolling, huffing and puffing, giving a nasty look, or being sarcastic. Read the rest of this entry

By Pamela Lipe, MS, LP, Relationships & Marriage Topic Expert Contributor

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Jonathan and Michelle came to my consulting office looking for someone to help them make a decision about the upcoming holidays—especially Thanksgiving with parents. Jonathan said Thanksgiving was his mother’s favorite holiday. After dinner, she would drive the men out of “her” kitchen. They would watch the game and she would clean up. When Jonathan and Michelle were married two years ago, Michelle was brought into the family fold and treated by his parents as one of the children. Michelle loved Jonathan’s parents but was taken aback when his mother expected her to participate in the preparation and clean up while “the boys” watched football. Michelle wanted to relax and watch the game too. Michelle decided to go along with Jonathan’s family tradition in the first two years but began to feel resentful towards Jonathan and his family. Read the rest of this entry

By Dana Vince, LMHC, Infidelity Topic Expert Contributor

Click here to contact Dana and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

One of the things I hear most from clients who have experienced infidelity is, “I never thought this would happen in our marriage.” It is not something any couple plans for or thinks will happen to them. But it can and does happen in marriage, but it can be avoided.

There are many reasons affairs happen, but typically it’s at the point when vulnerability meets opportunity. So first is to reduce vulnerability in your marriage. There are two major ways that I am going to talk about in this article. The first is taking care of your marriage, yourself and your spouse. The second is communication. If these two areas are prioritized in the marriage, you reduce your risk of infidelity. Read the rest of this entry

By Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

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Your conflicts sometimes lead to painful or bitter fights. When all is said and done after your difference du jour, you both feel frustrated, hurt, dejected and misunderstood. You both know you will repeat your familiar but painful scenario in the near future; it’s a matter of when, not if. You feel helpless and confused, and have no idea how to break the pattern you faithfully, but regrettably, repeat. In the end, the refrain is the same: “You just don’t understand!” This article is about how to change that.

We all want to be heard and understood. When we’re not, all too often we blame our partner for it. However, the responsibility for being understood begins on your own side of the street, not your partner’s. Unwittingly, you undercut being understood when under stress. Read the rest of this entry