By Pamela Lipe, MS, LP, Relationships & Marriage Topic Expert Contributor

Click here to contact Pam and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Somehow you have ended up on the wrong side of the “whose fault was it” argument with your spouse. You know it was your fault but you have lots of really good reasons why you acted like you did. Plus, you were well intentioned and actually only said those things because your partner needed to hear them. Nonetheless, you can see that there is a breach in the relationship and if you don’t do a repair, you are not going to like the icy silence or hot reproachful words that come back. So, it is time for an apology—to eat crow, “fess up,” or bow low to ask for a pardon.

Actually, I find myself in this position more than I like to admit. In all honesty, I don’t like to apologize. Sometimes, I have trouble getting my attitude right so my words don’t sound very sincere. At other times, I simply do not think I’m the one in the wrong. I will begin to list the ways I am right, with sound reasons, wonderful logic, and a clear sense of righteousness on my side. As you might guess, that doesn’t work either. Read the rest of this entry

By Mitchell Milch, LCSW

Click here to contact Mitchell and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

If I’ve witnessed it once I’ve witnessed it a few hundred times during my years counseling couples. One partner reacts as if his self worth has been decimated by words or actions originating from his partner. The curious and perplexing aspect of observing this process unfold, relates to specific instances when from my perspective evidence of anything that smacks of criticism or judgment is as detectable as an evaporated water spot on a shirt.

This brief article discusses the imperceptible shifts that can take place between partners that explain how one partner ceases to use and value his autonomous self to relate to and process his partner’s communications and then, blames the partner for feeling useless and worthless when an emotional crisis is precipitated. Such a crisis is borne of disappointed expectations shaped by lessons learned at the knee of caregivers that have curiously stood the test of time despite being invalid and unreliable. To illustrate this theme I offer a clinical illustration. The spouses are composites of patients I have worked with over the years. Read the rest of this entry

By Dana Vince, LMHC, Infidelity Topic Expert Contributor

Click here to contact Dana and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Where do you begin when you’ve just found out your spouse has had an affair? Or, what if you are the one who’s had the affair and your partner has just found out?

If you’ve just found out your partner has had an affair, be prepared for the roller coaster of emotions. It is not a time to make any permanent life-changing decisions. Here are some important things to consider:

• You do not have to know right now if you are going to stay or go. You are in crisis and may feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you. Give yourself time to make important decisions. Emotions are very raw right now so it’s okay to not know which direction to go yet. Read the rest of this entry

A GoodTherapy.org News Headline

Through most people would characterize the experience of raising children as a positive one overall, having kids –especially in high numbers– has been reported as detracting from life satisfaction levels in some studies. Challenging this notion, a recent study from the University of Glasgow has shown that satisfaction actually goes up in married couples, and increases with the addition of more children. The study suggests that those who “gear up” for child rearing and have the social, psychological, and real-world resources typically offered by marriage are more likely to find parenthood rewarding than those who are single or separated.

© Copyright 2009 by http://www.GoodTherapy.org Therapist Bellevue Bureau - All Rights Reserved.

A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by John Rhead, Ph.D.

Click here to contact John and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

The song from which I borrowed my title continues: “The one you shouldn’t hurt at all.” Yet it does indeed seem to be nearly universal that we hurt, and are hurt by, those with whom we believe we are “in love.”

When we are on the receiving end of the hurt we usually try to understand it in one of four ways: (1) My partner doesn’t understand enough about my sensitive spots, and if I can just get him or her to understand where I am vulnerable then he or she will be more careful not to poke me in those spots. (2) My partner is unconsciously angry at me for some reason, perhaps my gender, and is acting out that anger in a hostile way. (3) My partner has some conscious anger at me for some way he or she feels I have been the cause of his or her pain and I need to either (a) explain that he or she took my words the wrong way and therefore should not feel hurt, or (b) acknowledge the way I have caused him or her pain and promise to refrain from doing it again. (4) I am just being completely paranoid and misinterpreting my partner’s loving behavior as something hurtful. Read the rest of this entry

By Barbi Pecenco Kolski, MA

The most damaging thing we can do to our partner is to shame them. What does shaming sound like? It is most often a statement made with a tone that conveys disgust and gives our partner the message that they aren’t OK or are somehow bad or wrong. Here are some examples I’ve heard in my office or used on my husband (before I learned how bad shaming is for relationships):

• “What is the matter with you?” or “What the hell were you thinking?”
• “Be a real man” or “Man up” or “What kind of a man would ask me to pay rent?”
• “You are disgusting!” or “You are a loser!”
• “Joe Shmoe is a real family man.” (implying that your partner isn’t)
• “You are just like your mother/father.” (if this isn’t a compliment and let’s face it, it usually isn’t!)
• “You’re crazy!” or “You’re so emotional!” or “You’re so needy!” or better yet “You’re psycho!”

Shaming can also be conveyed non-verbally by eye-rolling, huffing and puffing, giving a nasty look, or being sarcastic. Read the rest of this entry

By Pamela Lipe, MS, LP, Relationships & Marriage Topic Expert Contributor

Click here to contact Pam and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Jonathan and Michelle came to my consulting office looking for someone to help them make a decision about the upcoming holidays—especially Thanksgiving with parents. Jonathan said Thanksgiving was his mother’s favorite holiday. After dinner, she would drive the men out of “her” kitchen. They would watch the game and she would clean up. When Jonathan and Michelle were married two years ago, Michelle was brought into the family fold and treated by his parents as one of the children. Michelle loved Jonathan’s parents but was taken aback when his mother expected her to participate in the preparation and clean up while “the boys” watched football. Michelle wanted to relax and watch the game too. Michelle decided to go along with Jonathan’s family tradition in the first two years but began to feel resentful towards Jonathan and his family. Read the rest of this entry

By Dana Vince, LMHC, Infidelity Topic Expert Contributor

Click here to contact Dana and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

One of the things I hear most from clients who have experienced infidelity is, “I never thought this would happen in our marriage.” It is not something any couple plans for or thinks will happen to them. But it can and does happen in marriage, but it can be avoided.

There are many reasons affairs happen, but typically it’s at the point when vulnerability meets opportunity. So first is to reduce vulnerability in your marriage. There are two major ways that I am going to talk about in this article. The first is taking care of your marriage, yourself and your spouse. The second is communication. If these two areas are prioritized in the marriage, you reduce your risk of infidelity. Read the rest of this entry

By Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

Click here to contact Jim and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Your conflicts sometimes lead to painful or bitter fights. When all is said and done after your difference du jour, you both feel frustrated, hurt, dejected and misunderstood. You both know you will repeat your familiar but painful scenario in the near future; it’s a matter of when, not if. You feel helpless and confused, and have no idea how to break the pattern you faithfully, but regrettably, repeat. In the end, the refrain is the same: “You just don’t understand!” This article is about how to change that.

We all want to be heard and understood. When we’re not, all too often we blame our partner for it. However, the responsibility for being understood begins on your own side of the street, not your partner’s. Unwittingly, you undercut being understood when under stress. Read the rest of this entry

By Pátzia Gonzalez-Baz D-CEP; EFT-Adv
Clinical member, OSP  

Click here to contact Patzia and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Unfortunately, second marriages have an even worse track record than first marriages. Part of this has to do with the kids, yours, his/ hers. Don’t get me wrong, it has nothing to do with the kids as people, the kids are all right. It has a lot to do with our feelings about them. And I mean kids all ages, including adults. So here are some basic tips to help your children, you and your new spouse adjust:

1) Remind your kids that they were conceived in love.

It’s important to remind your children that you love them and that you once loved your ex very much. And that every time you see the child, you are reminded of how much you loved him/ her. And then things changed. Whatever happens between both parents has nothing to do with them. The divorce wasn’t their fault, you will always love them. Saying “You’re just like your mother (or father)” should be the highest praise! If you need to vent about your ex, do so in therapy.

2) Prepare your kids

Read the rest of this entry

By Robert F Scuka, LCSW-C.

Infidelity is one of the most difficult challenges that any marriage or committed relationship can face. Infidelity is almost universally accompanied by a deep sense of betrayal and a profound loss of trust. The reason is that the one partner experiences the infidelity of the other partner to involve a violation of explicit agreements or implicit assumptions about the nature of the relationship, and a violation of what is regarded as acceptable and unacceptable behavior relative to preserving a sense of safety within and commitment to the relationship.

Infidelity can take many forms, and is not limited to sexual intercourse or other forms of sex. In addition to sexual infidelity, there is emotional infidelity and financial infidelity. Infidelity can also take place in person, by telephone, by email, or via the internet, including pornography.

Each form of infidelity involves secrecy and a desire to preserve secrecy. The reason is that the person engaged in the infidelity knows on some level that the other partner would not approve of what is being done and would feel betrayed. That is why the revelation of the infidelity is almost universally accompanied by a sense of shock, disbelief, anger and a loss of trust. Indeed, the discovery of infidelity often results in a trauma-like experience akin to an emotional tsunami.

These feelings are fostered not just by the sense of having being betrayed, but also by a sense of having been lied to. Such an experience typically calls into question the very foundations of the relationship and even the one person’s confidence about who the other partner really is as a person.

In order for there to be genuine healing in the relationship in the face of all these complex factors, it is vital that both partners openly address both the infidelity and other issues in the relationship. The failure to address the issues and heal the pain from the rupture to the relationship risks either an emotional disengagement and deadening within the relationship, or the eventual dissolution of the relationship.

Addressing the infidelity and other issues in the relationship must be done in a safe environment that permits openness, honesty, caring and compassion. From this vantage point, Relationship Enhancement Therapy for couples is an ideal form of treatment. Its emphasis on communicating skillfully, empathically connecting with the feelings, concerns and desires of the other partner, dialoguing in a highly structured format that preserves emotional safety, and managing potential conflict in a manner that also preserves emotional safety all help create the conditions conducive to the constructive engagement of these emotionally charged issues. As a result, Relationship Enhancement Therapy is very effective at facilitating genuine emotional healing.

I personally have worked with countless couples struggling with the trauma of infidelity. My commitment is to help couples recover from this trauma in a manner that permits them to rebuild their relationship on a solid foundation of honesty, transparency, empathy, trust, commitment, love, compassion and forgiveness.

©Copyright 2008 by Robert F Scuka, LCSW-C. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Robert and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

By Barbi Pecenco Kolski, MA

As a marriage counselor, I often hear people say they are no longer in love with their partner. They really believe that they have fallen out of love. However, quite often, what has happened is that they weren’t attending to both big and small issues in their relationship, and then they were unable to resolve the issues. This is where resentment begins to pile up. And resentment is completely TOXIC to our relationships.

We need to be able to bring up the relationship issues that are getting in the way of feeling not only loved and cared about, but also concerns that may be stopping us from living with personal integrity. It’s up to us to be able to address issues, NOT ignore them and hope they will magically go away. And we need a partner who is willing to hear us out and work through the issues with us. If you are in a relationship with someone who will not hear you and will not make agreements with you about what needs to be changed, forgiven, or negotiated, then you may need to rethink being in that relationship. It won’t be emotionally safe for you to bring up important concerns, and you will likely be piling up resentments, which will poison your relationship in the long run anyway. Read the rest of this entry

A GoodTherapy.org News Update

Incorporating feedback, or responses from therapy clients, into psychotherapy sessions, has been shown to have a dramatically positive effect on the success of recovery and healing. But such studies have not included instances of marriage counseling, providing the inspiration for a new study aimed at determining whether feedback has an influence on treatment for relationships.

The ambitious research project, which was performed with an extensive group of couples in Norway, focused on incorporating four simple feedback questions into the beginning of each therapy session. The questions were based on reported thoughts and feelings about how each individual client felt in individual, interpersonal, social, and overall bases. With these responses in mind, therapy sessions then proceeded to either address reported issues and change the direction of the therapy itself, or continue down the prescribed path in instances of satisfaction with progress. The therapists participating in the study were also given training in order to help them adapt therapy styles and subjects according to the changing needs of their clients. Read the rest of this entry

© Copyright 2009 by http://www.GoodTherapy.org Therapist Coral Gables Bureau - All Rights Reserved.

By Jennifer Lehr, MA, MFT

Click here to contact Jennifer and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Almost everyone wants love in his or her life. It is a vital ingredient of our humanness. We are born through the bodies of our mothers, most likely have nursed on her breasts, were held, touched and attended to. We develop in connection to others. Our survival depends on our relationships. We are not designed to be without relationship. We cannot exist without them.

When relationships stop working, there is often a wound that needs to be attended to. Many of us grew up in homes with various kinds of disconnection occurring. Whether our caretakers were preoccupied, angry, needy or impatient, we may at times have felt uncared about. We may have lost someone we loved, or have been completely disregarded or abused. As children, we had to survive this pain. We may have learned to push our feelings out of our awareness. Ultimately, we developed ways to tolerate and survive these disconnects. These are the survival techniques that we have brought into our current relationships. And they often don’t work.

Connection and safety are intricately bound. Our relationships trigger primal survival needs and feelings, and when threatened, the primal fears of an infant emerge. Survival is at the root of our relationships. It is difficult to play or be vulnerable when you do not feel safe. When our relationships are threatened or we are insecure, we become afraid of abandonment or of being overwhelmed or trapped. Those feelings emerge as rage, fear, longing and grief, and cause us to react rather than respond reasonably. We often do not see where these feelings are coming from. We have no way to link them to an actual past events. All we know is that something feels awful and we are in a struggle to be seen, heard, and understood. The emotional dance that emerges is not logical, but born of deep longings for safety and connection. Feeling safe, asking for what we need and being responsive to the other is paramount to our health and happiness. Safety must exist for both intimacy and play to be present in a committed relationship. While we do not necessarily have to delve into the past to change things, it usually helps. And we do have to start looking at and improving our current relational skills. Read the rest of this entry

A GoodTherapy.org News Summary

Conflicts, whether in the form of overt fights, hidden resentments, or other issues common in marriages, can be strong indicators for a range of mental health concerns, including depression. Studying the medical as well as the psychological effects of difficult marriages, a study conducted at the University of Utah has sought to discern differences between how men and women react. After taking measurements from blood pressure to waist circumferences, the research team presented participants with an inventory of questions addressing their feelings about their marriages. The study found that while both sexes are more depressed when in difficult marriages, women show a significant increase in heart disease risk factors.

© Copyright 2009 by http://www.GoodTherapy.org Therapist Atlanta Bureau - All Rights Reserved.

Click here to contact Anne and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Trust is essential for a good enough relationship. It is possible to be naïve and trust someone too much while at the other end of the continuum is not being able to trust someone. Building trust in a relationship with a partner is a process that takes time.

Most of us learn to trust in others during our formative years. Our beloved parent leaves, then returns; the repetition of this experience helps us build trust that we will be taken care of, and that we are lovable and loved. Our parents scold us when we make a mistake, then give us a hug to reassure us that we are loved even though we make mistakes. It is during those early years that we learn that we are lovable and build the self-esteem we need for our adult years. When we have a strong sense of self-esteem and know that we are lovable, trusting others comes in a natural, easy manner.

Two basic truths concerning trust are: (1) most people will do whatever they believe they need to do, in the moment, to take care of themselves; (2) each individual must trust him or herself to take care of him or herself.

Research has shown that most people who have affairs do so because they are looking for love. Being part of a good enough relationship is part of self-care, and helps us build positive self-esteem. If we become aware that we are in a relationship that is hurtful and damaging to our self-esteem, we will be tempted to become engaged in a relationship with someone else when the opportunity presents itself. Read the rest of this entry

A GoodTherapy.org News Update

There is growing evidence that introducing children and adolescents to therapy can prove beneficial in a host of areas; in fact, recommendations have been made that most if not all young people undergo some sort of professional screening for feelings of depression. The effort to help curb unnecessary suffering in youth is undoubtedly important, and mental health professionals from many different fields are keen to lend their knowledge and expertise to the health and well-being of kids. But as for engaging in actual therapy sessions, there is some contention between those who assert that the child is the most apt representative of their person, and those who prefer to glean the most information from the parents.

This issue has recently come up for a professional in Israel, who has discussed the virtues of meeting with parents prior to meeting with the child, and adds that meeting with the child may not be necessary at all. While it is generally accepted that parents who are concerned about their relationships with their children can benefit from meeting with a therapist, the idea that a child who could realize greater well-being from therapy can treated in a vicarious manner is cause for questioning for some professionals. With that said, experienced marriage and family therapists have known for years about the positive impact made on the lives of children as a result of their parents being in therapy or marriage counseling. And although family therapy has gained in popularity over the last 40 years, treatment absent of the person for whom the treatment is intended is not nearly as accepted by professionals outside the realm of marriage and family therapy. Read the rest of this entry

© Copyright 2009 by http://www.GoodTherapy.org Therapist Minneapolis Bureau - All Rights Reserved.

By Bobbi Newman LMHC, CIRT

Click here to contact Bobbi and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

I’ve been a psychotherapist for 24 years…hard to believe it’s been that long. I’ve specialized in Imago Relationship Therapy for the last twelve years, and that work has taught me the bulk of what I know about relationships. My clients have taught me the rest. Twelve years ago, after attending a three hour lecture about the Imago theory, the nature of relationships made sense to me for the first time.

Soon after that, I trained to be an Imago Relationship Therapist and nothing has ever impacted my life, personally and professionally, like this training did. I knew I could help couples. I understood the reason for the deep pain, the confusion, disillusionment, and disconnection that so often occurred in intimate relationships. I learned that it wasn’t that one person who was the problem, but that each person brought a history from childhood and past relationships with them….each person equally contributed to the struggle…neither person knew what to do to fix the problems they so desperately wanted fixed. No one was guilty. Both were innocent. Both had a reality that made sense, and both wanted the same thing; to feel loved, valued, important, safe, and that they mattered; that their feelings, their needs, their sensitivities mattered; that their partner cared enough to listen and understand. AND they wanted to be happy!!!!!

So I started listening. Both people in a relationship have a reality that desperately wants to be heard. They’ve wanted that reality, their truth, to be heard forever. When we fall in love, it’s such an amazing feeling to know that we finally found that person who wants to listen to every single thing we have to say. They think we’re wonderful and the sexual chemistry is palpable. We’ve finally found that long sought after magical connection. FINALLY!!! No longer will we feel alone or lonely. No longer will we have to be out there searching. AHHHH, the joys of romantic love. When we fall in love, we feel omnipotent. Nothing can hurt us, or upset our applecart! Life is good, and we want everyone to know!

Over time, a few months to a few years, not only does the romance dissipate, but the mind, body, spirit connection we so deeply felt, seems to have disappeared, as well. What happened? Read the rest of this entry

A GoodTherapy.org News Headline

A new study performed in Iceland has suggested that co-habiting couples with instances of poor physical health are more prone to encountering many different types of abuse over the course of their relationship. The new information is leading many agencies and scholars to call for a greater attention to mental health services and the availability of therapy for people who are seriously or frequently sick. While psychological health showed a much greater susceptibility to abuse, physical health was shown to decline in the presence of such relationship issues.

© Copyright 2009 by http://www.GoodTherapy.org Therapist Fort Lauderdale Bureau - All Rights Reserved.

A GoodTherapy.org News Headline

A new study performed at Brigham Young University has found that the wives of men who immigrate to the United States for work tend to experience greater emotional difficulty than those whose husbands stay behind, and that the reversal of gender roles in such situations are also major sources of potential stress. Long distance therapies may prove effective. Source: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/156184.php

© Copyright 2009 by http://www.GoodTherapy.org Therapist Chicago Bureau - All Rights Reserved.