Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

March is here.
March is Women’s History Month*… a month created to celebrate the gift that women are to our world and our civilization.

But just a few weeks ago, on February 7, not long before Women’s History Month . . .
Right out in the open, we saw misogyny in action in Super Bowl commercials.
Misogyny: hatred of women! In very expensive Super Bowl commercials.

In a Bridgestone Tire ad, thugs stop a car and say “Your Bridgestone tires or your life!” The driver throws a woman out of the car. The thugs say “Not your wife! Your life!” The misogyny portrayed is obvious – a man’s tires are of far more value to him than his wife!

An E*trade commercial supports men being unfaithful to women starting in the crib. In the E*trade ad a baby boy lies to and cheats on a baby girl with another baby girl. The misogyny once again is blatant: girls/women don’t deserve to have boys/men keep their commitments to them.

And the Dodge Charger ad – Man’s Last Stand – reveals a number of men, angry men, men in whom the rage is evident. Michael C. Hall does the voice for all of them. He’s also plays the lead in the television show Dexter, in which, out in the open, he’s a blood spatter analyst for the Miami PD, while “undercover” he’s a serial killer. This background sets up the commercial perfectly as the men in it say things like:

I will shave.
I will clean the sink after I shave …
I will take your call …
I will be civil to your mother …
I will put the seat down…
I will separate the recycling …
I will put my underwear in the basket …
And because I do this,
I will drive the car I want to drive!***

He’s saying, “It is your #@&% fault, woman, that I have to be a responsible person . . . and a responsible adult. I’m enraged at you. I’ll be responsible but my reward is to drive whatever car I want.” The misogyny in this ad is visible, audible, palpable.

That these and other misogynistic ads could be accepted as commercials by the network anytime of the year reveals a lot. That they were accepted as Super Bowl commercials exposes right out in the light of day the undeniable misogyny in our country (and our world.)

In order to truly celebrate Women’s History Month we need to see, acknowledge, and work to heal misogyny, both individually and communally.
You don’t have to be a man to hate women. Unfortunately, women have learned to hate themselves and each other for eons.

To heal misogyny in our world . . .
We need to see it in ourselves – whether we are men or women. And we need to see it and stand up to it in our world amongst both men and women.

********************

In order to heal misogyny wherever it exists, we need to understand its roots.

Everyone has a mother – whether a known mother or an unknown one. Everyone – male and female alike – has a mother who is a woman. And everyone has experiences with that mother, experiences that impact one’s feelings about women. If your mother gave birth to you and then had to put you up for adoption, you likely have on the youngest, most primal level, all the feelings that are part of what I call “the abandonment cauldron.” This will inevitably include rage and hatred for that singular woman, and probably women in general, too. You likely are not even conscious of your feelings of rage and hatred . . . they are so young and so beneath thought and word. But they are there inside you, nevertheless. And they will have a huge impact on your relationship with women whether you are a man or a woman.

Perhaps your mother gave birth to you and stayed with you. Perhaps she wanted to give you her best, to be a good mother, but . . . you had colic as a baby, and whenever you cried and she couldn’t comfort you, she got triggered and became angry at you. You were terrified! And cried all the more. She got still angrier. You, more frightened. And eventually you became enraged in response to her scaring you so and to your powerlessness in the interaction and relationship. Now, without even being aware of it, you are afraid of mother and all women. And now, without being conscious of it, you are enraged at mother and all women and the power they have. What a vicious cycle has been created here . . . within each of you and between the two of you! And transferred onto other women, as well. And all because your mother, was not able to feel her fear, triggered by your pain, her powerlessness to comfort you, and instead felt and acted out on her anger in response to her fear. Perhaps her fear and anger came from a very similar place in her life experience as your fear and anger. That is, after all, how the vicious cycle moves from generation to generation.

Have you ever seen a tiny baby in a rage? You’re red all over, you flail wildly and cry uncontrollably, and nothing can stop you! Most people don’t know what to do when a baby is frightened and raging . . . so it can evoke their fears of inadequacy, their fears related to control, as well as their own early childhood feelings. The only thing that can be done for you is for a loving, wise, and un-triggered adult to hold you gently and close (but not too close) so you can feel you are being held and not flying out into black space . . . till the cycle runs its course and you fall asleep.

Even with that loving response, you still have rage and fear within you. You still have an involuntary, frightened response to being powerless. You still focus your rage, fear, and powerlessness onto mom and other women.

This is most likely all unconscious. You are not aware of it. You have buried the feelings and memories as much as possible, for they are too much for a little child to bear. But you also are not aware that you transfer all these feelings, memories, and decisions you made at the time onto women in your life later on. Later on could be later on in childhood – like onto a teacher. Later on in your adolescence – onto a girlfriend or a female friend. Later on in your adulthood – onto an employer, a female clergy person, a life partner, or even a daughter.

And it is this unconscious transfer that feeds today’s misogyny most of all. As long as you are unconscious of the root of your hatred of women . . . As long as you are unconscious of the root of your fear of women . . . As long as you are unconscious of the root of your power struggle with women . . . you can find all sorts of excuses for it. All sorts of rationalizations for it. All sorts of philosophical reasons for it. And heaven knows! In a patriarchy in which misogyny is normalized those justifications for it melt into the pot of normalized misogyny.

So . . . if we are going to heal misogyny in our society and our world . . . we – each of us – needs to discover and heal our own hatred, fear, and power struggle with women. Each of us needs to bring it into consciousness and not stop there. Each of us needs to do the very deep, very primal, very feeling work that lies beneath the mind . . . in our hearts, our cells, our early, early childhoods. That way we will not have to think our way through to a response that is not misogynous, while holding the feelings at bay. That way, misogyny will finally be absent from our response to women . . . whether that woman be our mother, our daughter, our friend, our teacher, our employer, our clergy, our senator, our president or . . . our self.

Reference:

*The first part of this article was, in essence, posted on my blog, PoliPsych, a short time ago. Though the post just began to scratch the surface, it feels like an apt and powerful introduction to our exploring the roots of misogyny.

©Copyright 2010 by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

February is touted as the month of love
with Valentine’s Day almost smack dab in the middle of it!

But do you know what love really is?
Many songs try to tell us.
For example … in John Denver’s song “Perhaps Love”* we are told
Perhaps love is like an ocean, a fire, or thunder,
a window or an open door.

And in the Bette Midler song, “The Rose.”** we are told
Some say love it is a river, a razor, a hunger, a flower.

Many believe love is a feeling.
But feelings come and go.

The truth is …
Love is a spontaneous movement of the soul.
A spontaneous movement whose natural state is consistent flow.
But because of our childhood wounds – and heartbreaks -
that flow is interfered with, even defended against,
by us trying to bury and hold the pain and heartache at bay.
Both the young pain still alive within us and also any future pain that may hurt in itself and also trigger or evoke the pain from long ago.

But when we cut ourselves off from what lives within us, even if it is pain now buried beneath our conscious awareness, we also cut ourselves off from love. And in so doing . . .
we keep ourselves frightened not only of the heartbreak,
but of love itself;
we create situations in our lives in which we believe we are loving,
while we are actually unconsciously “proving” to ourselves again and again that love is dangerous and we should defend ourselves against it. This is called “re-enacting” the original wound;
and we create distortions of love that we believe are love itself,
only to be disappointed and disillusioned once again about love.

- – - – - -

Martha*** was five years old. It was Valentine’s Day morning. Her parents had taught her from the beginning that this was the day of love. Martha loved her mommy so much! She wanted to show mommy just how much she loved her by making sure mommy could see that Martha wanted to be just like her.

So while mommy was downstairs cooking breakfast and talking with daddy, Martha went into her mommy’s closet, climbed up on the shelves at the side of the closet, managed to get mommy’s red party dress down off the hanger, and put it on her little body. Then she managed to get to mommy’s vanity and put eye shadow on her eyelids and bright red lipstick on her tiny little lips. She even sprinkled her hair with a little bit of the glittery stuff mommy had in her vanity. Martha was so excited! So happy!

Who knows how she did it, but somehow she managed to get down the stairs – in her bare feet – she decided not to wear mommy’s heels this morning. She walked into the kitchen . . . so filled with love for her mommy! And when her mommy turned around from the stove and saw Martha in her dress and makeup, mommy’s face became all distorted. Her eyes bulged out! Her mouth turned into a monster’s mouth (at least to Martha), and she started shrieking at Martha . . . all sorts of words that Martha couldn’t even make sense of. She just knew mommy was really mad. Mommy came over to Martha, glared at her little girl up close, and ran up to her room . . . leaving breakfast on the stove, her husband at the breakfast table, and confused, hurt, terrified, broken-hearted little Martha in the middle of the kitchen.

In that moment, trying to bear the pain of the experience, and doing so by trying to cut herself off from the pain somehow, Martha decided “I’ll never love again.”

She didn’t realize it. She had no way of knowing that decision would drive her life. She would not be able to comprehend your telling her she would somehow, without realizing it, recreate that scene she had just lived through with her mother again and again in her life . . . perhaps with her mother, perhaps with girlfriends, perhaps with a lover or a longtime significant other, or maybe even with her own children. And she certainly didn’t have any way of understanding that she would hold onto that decision for dear life as a way to keep from feeling the unbearable pain that had just replaced her spontaneous flow of love for her mommy.****

- – - – - -

If you really want to celebrate this February as the month of love,
begin today to do your own exploration about love (real love) and about you and love.
Explore on your own or find a good therapist
to help you heal the wounds to love that you have experienced . . .
to help you heal them to the root of your being
so you can free the spontaneous soul movement of love within yourself
and learn to make clear, wise choices about how to channel that movement of love.

References:

*music and lyrics, © 1975, John Denver

**music and lyrics, © 1979, Amanda McBroom

***Although the example here is of a little girl, there are at least as many men whose hearts have been broken in childhood and whose relationship with love is wounded.

****Imagine if even just one thing occurred differently in Martha’s story. Imagine if after Martha’s mommy ran upstairs, Martha’s daddy scooped her up in his arms, held her, and told her, “I’m so sorry, Martha. Mommy’s upset, but it’s not about you, it’s about her. I’m sorry if she scared you. I’ll talk with mommy and we’ll straighten it out. And Martha . . . you look beautiful!” Or imagine if mommy came back down a few minutes later and apologized to Martha herself. Martha’s pain and early decision wouldn’t be erased, but the repair with her parent would help a lot with the healing of both.

©Copyright 2010 by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Promises, resolutions, commitments. How do they differ?

In my experience with people, promises are made by children, or the child within the adult. A child that is being compliant to an authority figure, inside or out. Have you ever seen children make a promise with fingers crossed behind their backs? A “child’s” promise is not a healthy use of our power.

Resolutions, which are made on New Year’s Eve, have become a joke. The connotation is that the resolver will fail. That’s why so many articles and media interviews address the theme of New Year’s resolutions. That’s why – perhaps – the title of this article caught your eye. Resolutions are not a healthy use of power, either.

A commitment can be made by the child within the adult. And it can become a failure. But if those who commit fail, it will be because they don’t know the deeper meaning and workings of commitment. Learning, utilizing, and acting upon the real essence of commitment is an exquisite use of power.

First … if you make only a partial commitment, you will create only partial results.

Contrary to some new age teachings, you cannot simply make a commitment, intention, or wish and bring it into reality. The commitment requires not only the inspiration and the intention, but also the follow through, the step-by-step work to birth it into reality.

Second … as soon as you make a commitment, anything in you that needs to be healed in order to take the next step in following through on your commitment . . . will come up.

Your commitment, in addition to solidifying and grounding your intention, is a signal to your heart and soul. A signal calling forth whatever needs to be healed next. And lo and behold! A part of you will raise its hand and say, “Me next! If you want to take the next step in your commitment, heal me next.”

If you listen to that aspect of yourself . . . If you open yourself to what it is showing you . . . If you really do the inner healing work it is asking you to do . . . that will be a huge accomplishment. And you will proceed in just this way, step by step, through the fulfillment of your commitment.

If you disregard, discount, ignore, or run away from that facet of yourself, it will call you again. Maybe in a different way. Maybe in a more uncomfortable way. Maybe in a more convoluted way. Maybe louder. Maybe in an escalated way.

Unfortunately, most people don’t know this. And when that-which-needs-to-be-healed comes to the forefront, they utilize it to justify breaking the commitment. (People who know about commitment may do the same thing, just with awareness.)

For example, let’s say you commit to exercise regularly this year. The first few days go great! You wake up and enjoy getting on the treadmill or doing that exercise routine. But the next day, you’re tired from a late night the night before, and you decide you’ll exercise later in the day. And the day after, the weather – rain, snow, ice, wind, mud – will slow down your drive to work, so you’ll need more time for your morning commute. You never quite seem to get to exercising. After several days of this, you hear yourself say, “There are too many obstacles! I knew it. I knew I shouldn’t have made that commitment!”

You will use the late night, your tiredness, the weather, anything . . . as a justification to break the commitment. Instead of wondering, “What is coming up in me that wants to be healed?” Instead of exploring, “What am I feeling that needs to be healed in order for me to take that next step in my commitment?” Instead of knowing these are not obstacles, these are signals to healing. Whether in the outer world, like the weather, or the inner world, like tiredness . . . these are clues. These are mirrors.

Let’s continue with the example of exercising . . . What if you start to explore what you are feeling when you think of exercising? No matter what appears to be the difficulty in following through, it is usually a feeling or a big kettle of feelings you are having. Feelings you are afraid to feel. You may say, “No, no. I’m not afraid of feeling. I feel all the time. I do my work.” But let me tell you, this is what I’ve found with people year after year for over 30 years! Taking the next step and the next step after that in following through on a commitment brings up not just here and now feelings, but also unconscious ancient feelings from long ago . . . and these feelings must be tended to, worked with, seen as clues to our own healing and to succeeding in our commitment!

So let’s say you’re lying in bed and it’s time to get up, prepare yourself for exercising, and begin. What are you saying to yourself? “I don’t want to feel how out of shape I am? I don’t want to experience being out of breath?” What do you feel about being out of breath? Frightened? Feel the fear. Why are you frightened of being out of breath? Perhaps you don’t know for a few minutes, while feeling the fear. Perhaps you don’t know for days, as you stay open, wanting to know. And then one day, perhaps you remember your older brother chasing you ’round the house when your parents were out. You were frightened by his chasing you. You were frightened about what would happen if and when he caught you. And you were frightened because you didn’t think you would be able to breathe anymore. You felt danger . . . unsafety . . . life and death.

Whew! You’ve struck gold! Knowing this, you can really go back there to that memory and work with it* . . . feel it . . . resolve it so eventually you can exercise without that fear being so enormous. Or perhaps without feeling that fear at all. And as you heal the memory, you continue to exercise, perhaps slowly at first. Soon you find yourself feeling better physically as a result. You may even find yourself enjoying the exercising. Imagine that!

Imagine if you stopped without finding the root of your ‘no’ to exercising! Imagine the loss to you on every level of your being.

And imagine the loss to all of us if we do not work with commitment in this aware, open-hearted, vital way.

And third … if you truly work with whatever comes up for healing, your commitment can be not only something you do, something you make, but it can also become a strong container that holds you through each step of the healing, each step of the follow through . . . all the way to the fulfillment of your commitment. This is not something you can “get” in your head. Your mind may even fight you on this. It is the experience of going through the process of fulfilling your commitment that will bring the gold, step by step by step.

*You may need a therapist to help you with an experience and feelings so primal. If you don’t have a therapist and are looking for one, you may want to read “What to Look for in A Therapist …” on my website. You can also read about How to Choose a Therapist or Counselor on GoodTherapy.org.

©Copyright 2010 by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Kalila and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Over the past decade, as I began to practice spiritual psychotherapy as well as more traditional psychotherapy, I have worked with a number of clients who have expressed difficulties with prayer. Some don’t know whom to pray to; others don’t know how; and others report that they have tried it and their prayers were rarely if ever answered.

I recently read The Private Patient (Alfred A. Knopf, New York 2008) by British mystery writer P.D. James in which she describes a character seeking help with a difficult decision. “The cross was directly in Marcus Westhall’s sightline, and sometimes for long periods of silence he would fix his gaze on it as if expecting from it some mysterious power, an aid to resolution, a grace which he realized would always be withheld…For him it served as an aid to concentration, the focus of the thoughts which crept and rose and whirled in his mind like brown brittle leaves in a gusting wind..He had entered quietly and, seating himself as usual on the back wooden bench, gazed fixedly at the cross, but not in prayer, since he had no idea how to begin praying or with whom precisely he would be attempting to communicate. He sometimes wondered what it would be like to find that secret door said to be open to the lightest touch, and to feel this burden of guilt and indecision fall from his shoulders. But he knew that one dimension of human experience was as closed to him as was music to the tone deaf.” (Pp.58 – 59).

The “…secret door said to be open to the lightest touch” is a beautiful summation of my personal assessment of and experience with the power of prayer.

For those patients who are part of a specific religious tradition and have the tools of their faith with which to communicate with the divine, it is often a matter of taking the time out to pray and learning both how to frame their prayers and how to listen. This is more subtle than it sounds. All too often I find that people think that the only purpose of prayer is to ask for something from God, usually something very concrete, i.e., money, a new job, a partner, relief from pain, and so on.

To those individuals I suggest reframing the request and instead, asking for help acquiring the tools to get that for oneself. Then I talk about listening. Once again, all too often, people are better at asking than listening. Their wish is that they pray and the wish is granted (kind of like the fairy godmother concept). However, rarely do they take the time to sit quietly after prayer to allow the answer to come. I find people are impatient and forget the cardinal rule (no pun intended) of prayer, which is that God answers in God’s time and not ours.

For those who are on a spiritual path not connected to any particular religion, I encourage them to keep it simple. I borrow from the not simple at all wisdom of the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, particularly the 11th Step. “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.”

As you take a moment to ponder the meaning of that step, I’ll give you my interpretation. I believe the step is emphasizing the importance of being on a spiritual path each and every moment; to do it consciously and with intention. I also believe that the step is recommending seeking knowledge rather than specific things. We are encouraged to seek the answer to the basic question of what God wants for us. Everything else is irrelevant, including what we want. (You know the old saying “…be careful what you wish for”). This is because we often lack the wisdom or perspective to know what is truly right for us. Once we understand what God wants for us, we need to go about achieving it and that’s where the second part of the step comes in – the power to carry out God’s wishes. This is where the divine and the human intersect. This is where our own efforts to create our lives play a significant role.

When all of our actions and behaviors and choices are divinely guided, it’s then we can move mountains and find the joy and satisfaction we all seek.

©Copyright 2010 by Kalila Borghini, LCSW and Ordained Yoruba Priest. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Kalila and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

The lyrics of the song say, “There’s no place like home for the holidays.”* Is this true for you?

It goes on to say, “If you want to be happy in a million ways, for the holidays you can’t beat home, sweet home.” For how many people is this true?

For how many people is this song simply the idealized image resulting from:

• Madison Avenue and a market-driven culture?
• distortions of the soul of their religious and spiritual traditions?
• cultural mores fed by movies, television shows and songs like “Home for the Holidays”?
• longings for loving, harmonious families by both the child who still lives within each person and also the adult living in the current time?
• defenses against feelings related to our earliest wounds and our earliest experiences of the holidays?

For many, the holiday period between Thanksgiving and the day after New Year’s Day is the most painful time of the year. I know clients, colleagues, friends, and people in passing who dread this time. They wonder how they will bear the loneliness they feel this time of year – loneliness they experience whether they are all by themselves, with a small group, or in a huge gathering of people. They feel intense anxiety about the celebration.

Will there be another blow-up at the holiday dinner … just like last year and every year before it? Will they be able to tolerate walking on eggshells to hold the blow-up at bay, only to have it occur anyway? People worry themselves sick trying to “do” the holidays in a way that meets the idealized image: trying to buy the best gifts without “breaking the bank” of their financial reality; trying to prevent disappointing, angering, or losing the connection with the people they are closest to and need most; trying to prove their worth or their love to themselves and in each relationship in their life.

The truth is, for most people there’s no way to go through the holidays without being triggered. You can try to go around the holidays … travel to a country that isn’t steeped in them. You can attempt to go away from them … become a hermit. You can do everything to try to escape from them . . . take mind-altering substances till you don’t think you’re in this reality anymore. But the holidays and our triggers will still be there within us, in our hearts.

Simply put, the holidays trigger some of our deepest, most primal wounds whether we are aware of it or not, whether we’d like to be conscious of it or not, whether we wish to admit it or not.

So when you think of the holidays, what gets triggered in you? No, no. Don’t run away from it. Don’t bury it. Not this time. And please, for heaven’s sake, don’t pretend about it this time. . . especially not with yourself.

When you think of going home for the holidays, what gets evoked in you? Do you dread the family focus on appearance? And feel the pain of the dearth of real connection, real heart, real soul in your family interactions?

Do you feel terrified – anticipating the family dysfunction in whatever form? Do you fear the fights at the dinner table. The drinking that inevitably leads to a final explosion that ends the gathering? The ever-so-polite and deadened social conversation that hides the truth and the hurt heart of each family member?

Are you determined to try once again to simply be your real self, no matter the response? Do you try to talk about your vision for your calling in the world, or your vision for our world . . . only to be dismissed, discounted, ridiculed outright, responded to with contempt, or even worse, ignored?

Do you want to have your idealized holiday gathering with family, but know it won’t happen? And so want to stay away this year only to be afraid of the reaction of parents, siblings, and extended family?**

So what’s a person to do? This year meet what is triggered in you by the holidays. Explore what gets evoked in you. Work with what gets brought up in you . . . for the sake of your holidays, for the sake of your own healing and growing, and for the sake of all those you have an impact on.

But let’s take one step more as we think about going home for the holidays. We have numerous primal connotations and responses to “home for the holidays” or simply going home:

• The home of our family of origin – the current home of our parents.
• The actual home we were children in.
• The home in our mother’s arms.
• Home in our mother’s womb.
• Home with God. . . or Christ or Allah or whatever other name you call God.
• Can you think of any others?

The other one that comes to me . . .
Home to our Selves.
Home to the real, authentic person we are.
Home to the self we are that is not idealized.
Home to the self we are that can and does feel our human pain and joy
And doesn’t need to defend against it.
In other words, our undefended self.
(Undefended does not mean defenseless . . . quite the opposite.
Defended emotionally, we can only use our hardened defenses,
causing harm in the process.
Learning to dissolve our defenses is a real strength,
and in doing so, we learn to truly protect ourselves.)

Home to the self we are –
Home to our soul,
Home to our spirit.

Whatever your experience in your family – past and present – exploring your triggers and the roots of your triggers during the holidays is exactly what will help you come home to your self.

This holiday season, wherever you go geographically to celebrate, and however you feel about that . . .
This holiday season . . . may you add a meaning to “home for the holidays.”
This holiday season . . . may “home for the holidays” mean home to your self.

May you be blessed during this season
As you come home to your self.

* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Home_for_the_Holidays_(song) “Home for the Holidays,” © Al Stillman, 1954

**If you have a family that can hold the connections and the disconnections, the closeness and the separations, the idealized and the reality and still have a truly loving, healthy relationship . . . and holiday . . . how blessed you are! Do your work where triggered and hold others in your heart and prayers.

©Copyright 2009 by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. <a href=”http://www.goodtherapy.org/judith-barr-therapist.php”>Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile</a>

Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

We live in a world that is frightened of the darkness. A world that doesn’t understand and therefore is frightened of the darkness. As a consequence of holding the fear at bay, that fear gets distorted into hatred of the darkness, denial of darkness, scapegoating of the darkness. And in scapegoating the darkness, we also scapegoat anything or anyone that triggers in us memory of the darkness – memory of a conscious or unconscious experience of the darkness within us that needs to be explored, healed, and transformed. We live in a time where we are all going through darkness in some way communally and individually. Just like anything else, this passage can be misused and abused, or it can be used well and for magnificent good!*

We live in a culture where darkness is not tolerated. It’s not tolerated physically: there are lights on twenty-four hours a day! It’s not tolerated emotionally: many people will do anything to get away from pain! It’s not tolerated mentally: so many use their minds to manage and control what are too often thought of as dark or negative emotions – the painful emotions people try to get away from and get rid of! And darkness is not tolerated spiritually: too many people use the spiritual – prayer, chanting, meditation, etc. – to get away from and transcend the pain we need to go through rather than escape. Responding in this way to the darkness, we perpetuate a duality that splits us apart, within and without, and keeps us from integrating, from becoming whole. Responding so to the darkness, we deprive ourselves of the riches it has to offer: among them wounds reaching to be healed, strengths calling to be discovered, gifts longing to be developed.

A long time ago, before I even wrote Power Abused, Power Healed, I sent out “snail mail” newsletters. In the very first issue, I shared a story. My version of the story was a re-creation of another, written by Richard Proescher. Recently, I have felt called repeatedly to offer the story as a help to people I work with, individually and in groups, as they move deeper and deeper in their journeys. It is time to share it again with you, as together we descend toward the darkness of the Winter Solstice, and as individually we descend, each of us into our own inner labyrinths of psyche and soul.**

• • •

A woman is prepared for her initiation by the crones*** in her community. She is lovingly and sacredly bathed, fed healthy foods to purify her body, prayed and chanted over. She is taken into a cave, told she will be left alone there for seven days, with ample foods to sustain her body. A boulder will be moved to cover the opening into the cave. Her task: to find her way through the dark cave out into the light.

They kiss her goodbye and bless her for her journey, leave, and cover the entrance. Excited and frightened, she sits where she has been left, with her back to the opening of the cave. She prays for help, and lets her eyes – inner and outer – adjust to the darkness. Soon she sees a tiny point of light in the ceiling of the cave, right above where she sits. “Hmmm!” she thinks. “That’s my way out.”

Looking around in the darkness, she sees to her left a huge pile of rocks. Pulling herself up, she heads toward the pile. One by one, with great effort, she moves rocks from their pile to the ground of the cave directly below the point of light. By the end of the first day, tired but well satisfied with herself, she has begun another pile that is now thigh-high. Giving thanks, she eats her dinner and goes to sleep.

The second day she rises, once again praying her thanks and asking for help. By nightfall she has built a pile waist-high. Filled with hope, she sups and retires, asking for the strength to continue and be guided as she works.

Day-by-day, our initiate’s work continues. By the night of the sixth day, she has used every rock in the pile. Her “ladder” to the light is very high, but not yet high enough to assure her of her success. Resting for awhile to gather strength and courage, she prays for help; she prays that she will be able to stretch herself to reach the light and find her way through.

Then carefully she climbs. At the top she stretches and reaches. She’s so close! But all of a sudden, she loses her balance and falls to the ground, where she lays hurt, still and unconscious until the crones return the following night.

They find her there, beside the pile she has spent her time so carefully building. Gently they check to make sure she’s okay, and then tenderly lift her into their loving arms. You would think they would carry her out through the entrance. But no! They hold her with their backs to the opening, and then carry her slowly, reverently leftward, moving past the point where the rocks had been piled. Moving deeper and deeper into the dark cave, the procession walks sure-footedly for almost one-quarter of a mile. At that point they round a bend and move from the darkness into a passageway that becomes lighter and lighter … until at last they leave the cave and come into the brilliant light of the full moon right at the shore of the ocean!

As they gently lay the initiate on the still-warm sand, the woman in the group who is truly the crone’s crone sweetly asks: “When will we learn? When will we learn that we cannot allow ourselves to be distracted or frightened out of the truth? When will we learn that we must go all the way into the darkness within us in order to find our way through and back out into the light?”

May this article be helpful to you in going through what’s in and around you rather than trying to escape it or defend against it. May the riches on the other side be plentiful!

*Examples of the darkness we are going through are all around and in us: suicide bombings, wars, sexual wounds and wounding, distortions in our relationships with money, abuse in the home and in the workplace . . . They are coming out into the open and can show us — both the outer manifestation and our inner and outer reactions — what is emerging from the darkness to be healed.

**The story is written about a woman with wise women. It could just as easily be written about a man with wise men. If you are a man reading this story, please let yourself do what you need to in order to be open to the wisdom it offers.

*** Often when we think of the word “crone” we have a negative connotation, as when calling a woman an “old crone.” Originally, however, the term “crone” meant simply a wise woman. It is in this spirit and with this meaning that I use the term here.

©Copyright 2009 by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

“Every form of power can be used well or misused.
The law has been used to manipulate as well as to serve justice.
Parenthood has been used as a means of captivity, and it has been used to nourish a soul, helping it grow into fullness.
Sexuality has been used as a weapon to rape and dominate, as a substitute for unmet childhood bonding and physical touch, and as an exquisite sacred expression of love and union.”*

The recent events related to film director Roman Polanski bring up a lot of questions for us to examine as individuals and as a world culture.

The events in summary:
Thirty-two years ago Roman Polanski drugged and raped a 13-year old girl. In the midst of the legal process that unfolded from that event, Polanski fled the United States and went to live in Europe. Last month, on September 26, he was arrested in Switzerland when he went to receive his award at the Zurich Film Festival. Switzerland has an extradition agreement with the United States.

The legal system in Los Angeles County wants to hold Polanski accountable. Many people, especially people in high places, want to let him off the hook, including the foreign ministers of both France and Poland, French minister of Culture and Communication, a number of celebrities, many of them French, and many in the film industry, including Woody Allen, Martin Scorsese, Darren Aronofsky, David Lynch, Whoopi Goldberg and Debra Winger.** Many signed a petition for his release.*** Even his victim wants him let off the hook now.

The events related to ‘the Polanski situation” (including all the responses) remind me of my very first Power Abused, Power Healed Newsletter, January 2008. (You can read the article in my Archived Newsletters – January 2008, How People Use and Misuse Their Power.)

In the article, I talked about having discovered that one of my colleagues was in prison as a result of his having been sexual with one of his clients. I wrote . . .

“If we are going to heal the misuse and abuse of power in our world, each of us is going to need to do our own healing with our own relationship with power.”

And then I went on to say:

“This brings up an important point. Just because someone is a leader, just because someone is active in doing wonderful things for his profession, community, world, that doesn’t mean he (or she) doesn’t also have an aspect of self that is distorted, wounded, unhealed and creating harm in the world around him.”

And that doesn’t mean he isn’t to be held accountable for that wounded aspect . . . accountable to heal the wound and accountable for any damage he does as a result of his wound. In the case of my colleague, he was held accountable by law, thank goodness! One of the things that distressed me, though . . . there was no educational or healing process within the professional organization.

That situation brought many questions to my mind and heart. Questions that were both earnest questions needing answers, and questions that were also statements. The same is true today with all that has emerged about Roman Polanski.

Why would a man get away with his crime – drugging and raping a 13-year old girl – just because he’s famous?
Hasn’t he committed a crime . . . even if he is famous?
Hasn’t he violated and harmed a 13-year old girl . . . even if he is famous?
Hasn’t he changed her life forever . . . even if he is famous?

Why would we let him get away with his crime because he has lots of creative talent he’s been able to bring into the world?
Are his creative “masterpieces” of more value than the mind, body, heart, and soul of that 13-year old girl?
And if you think so, how can that be?

Why on earth would we look at the childhood and sad adulthood of a famous director who drugged and raped a 13 year old girl – his mother killed in Auschwitz, his wife and baby murdered**** – but not look at the childhood and sad adulthood of a middle class or working class man (or woman), no matter his (or her) color?
Is the violent, tragic childhood of a famous director a greater tragedy than the violent, tragic childhood of a middle class or working class citizen?
Are the lives of the mother, wife, baby of a famous director of more worth than the lives of the mother, wife, baby of a non-celebrity?
And if you think so, how can that be?

Why do we look at the individual, but not our culture – a culture that would stand for this?
Why do we focus our attention on the single man, the famous director, and ignore what the entire situation – from the rape through to today – says about our culture?

Why do we ignore our culture’s tolerance for rape? The implicit support of rape and other forms of sexual abuse that are woven into the fabric of our society? Even just in the movies – Polanski’s own medium. The sexual violation in his own film, “Rosemary’s Baby,” is excused under the guise of a rape by a demonic presence. And the recent movie, “The Reader,” nominated for an Oscar, tells, among other things, the story of an older woman having an affair with a 15-year old boy. But few (that I know of, except a therapist I supervise) expressed concern that there was barely a peep in the film industry or the media (save an entry in the Huffington Post blog*****) about the sexual abuse of a young adolescent boy at perhaps his most susceptible state. And what about the new Seth Rogan film, “Observe and Report,” in which date rape is considered okay. . . okay as an action and okay as a topic for comedy.

Rape isn’t funny . . . it never was funny, isn’t funny now, it never will be funny!

I know there are very delicate issues here. But related to Polanski and situations like this . . . perhaps in our movement away from being prudish toward really learning about our sexual selves, we have gone too far in the other direction, making too much acceptable that is truly damaging.

Why do we look at the individual who committed the rape and maybe the culture that would feed this, but not at our individual selves?
It is easy to point our finger at the individual – what he did or didn’t do, what should or shouldn’t become of him. That is us looking outside ourselves at that other person. There’s distance to protect us.

It’s somewhat more difficult, but still not too challenging, to look at the culture all around us and see how it created, fed, participated in, or condoned the rape. We can either see the culture as everyone else but us, or the majority but not us, or everyone including us (with us as one of many). Still the opportunity for distance to protect us.

But what happens when we look at ourselves? When we see that there is a Roman Polanski within each of us? And a 13-year old girl who has been raped? ******
And a member of the rich and famous who wants to let the Polanski in us off the hook? As well as a member of the citizenry within us that thinks he should be held accountable?
How do we deal with all that lives within us that is mirrored to us in the outer world? And how can we willingly own the aspects of us that are nice, kind, good, and self responsible, but refuse to look at the aspects within that are cruel, violent, and irresponsible? Even if we never act on the cruel, violent, and irresponsible parts. Even if they exist in us in thought and feeling only.

This fragments us, splitting us off from ourselves. Because then we are not whole. And it fragments our society, too. Because then we are the good ones and some other folks are the bad ones. (We’ve had recent experience of this where we were considered the axis of good and other countries, the axis of evil.)

Roman Polanski drugged and raped a 13-year old girl.
This man is a mirror of each of us.
So many people are trying to get him off the hook.
These people are a mirror of each of us.
And some want to hold him accountable.
These also are a mirror of each of us.

They say there are two things couples find most difficult to deal with: money and sex.
Actually, there are two things we all find difficult to deal with: money and sex.
Both are great teachers for us of our own inner selves.
Both have come out into the light of day in our world for us to deal with and resolve.
All that is related to the recession.
And all that is related to sex scandals for ages.

We have the opportunity to utilize this for healing . . . both individually and culturally.
To look at ourselves in the mirror.
To heal what needs healing.
And to celebrate what is already healthy and strong and simply needs living.

References:
*Power Abused, Power Healed, p.iii
** “Hollywoodans Support Polanski, Push For His Release”
*** “Naming Names: The ‘Free Roman Poloanski’ Petition”
**** Wikipedia.org, Roman Polanski
***** “Reading Between the Lines in The Reader: When is Abuse not Abuse?”
****** As quoted in the prologue of Power Abused, Power Healed (pp. ix – x) in his poem “Please Call Me by My True Names,” spiritual leader Thich Nhat Hanh illustrates that we are each every side of the problem:
“I am the twelve-year-old girl,
Refugee on a small boat,
Who throws herself into the ocean after being raped by a sea pirate,
And I am the pirate, my heart not yet capable of seeing and loving.”

©Copyright 2009 by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

So much is being said and felt about healthcare reform. But do we know if our fears surrounding the issue of healthcare reform are from the here-and-now, or from once-upon-a-time long, long ago?

As a psychotherapist I see how often our ancient terrors are enmeshed with our current fears, such that the fear we feel over current events is magnified by the unresolved fears from our childhood. This happens not only on an individual scale, but also a cultural, national, and even global scale. This enmeshment of ancient and current fears (and other feelings) blinds us to the truths that are present today and to making wise decisions for lasting solutions.

On an individual level, if you were attacked by a dog as a child, it is quite likely that anytime a strange dog approaches you as an adult, you will be frightened. Your fear from childhood will be triggered, whether the dog is going to attack you or simply come over and lick your hand. Because this kind of experience happens with all of us human beings, it can also be multiplied into a communal experience.

For example, in the time following 9/11, many of us were feeling the terror of the attacks. But we also felt the terror of our childhood wounds . . . and we didn’t even know it. We couldn’t answer the question: Is this terror from today or from once upon a time? As a result, we couldn’t make wise choices related to crucial decisions that had to be made. For example…

• When the War in Iraq first began, we couldn’t discern current from ancient terror. We also couldn’t discern current from ancient response. And so we attacked Iraq from a primal place within us – communally and individually – making the “War on Terror” a war on inner terror at a very real level, keeping our inner terror repressed so it could be fed upon.

• When the recession hit, many of us were afraid…and many of us still are. Yes, there are real, present day concerns we need to deal with…but much of our fear, the fear that can make us take desperate and potentially disastrous action, is actually rooted in our childhood fears, such as the fear of never having enough.

Now we are faced with choices and feelings about healthcare reform. Just as after 9/11, after the Iraq War began, and after the economy began to crumble, so many feelings have been triggered in each of us. We need to find and resolve the feelings from childhood, teasing them away from the current feelings and from our thinking, feeling into, making choices, and deciding. If we don’t do this, those ancient feelings will keep tugging at us as we look at the issues, and haunt us as we create our future with healthcare.

Most of us feel strongly about healthcare reform. Here are some examples why:

• In times of uncertainty, many among us feel powerless. This feeling of powerlessness brings to the surface ancient feelings from our childhood experience. The roots of these feelings may go as deep as infancy…the time in our life when we are the most vulnerable and the most powerless. Imagine making our decisions about healthcare reform from the feelings of the powerless baby still alive within us! Without even being aware we are doing that!

• The issues of healthcare reform also evoke our young feelings about change. The more frightening and difficult our experiences of change as children, the more frightening and challenging our experiences of change will be as adults, without our realizing why, until we do our own healing to change that.

Many different things can be triggered. Some general examples:

• Perhaps when you were a child you were ill and were afraid you would never get well, or afraid you would not be taken care of. These feelings from long ago may now be triggered.

• Or perhaps you were ill and your mom or dad wasn’t allowed to be with you in your time of illness. Those feelings may now rise and enmesh with your current feelings about healthcare reform. The separation from mom when we are very young creates intense feelings of danger and insecurity that last a lifetime, unless we work through them consciously.

• Perhaps your mom got very sick, and you overheard your father saying he wasn’t sure where he would get the money to pay her doctor. The fear you felt then may be evoked unconsciously.

• Perhaps your little brother would go into your room and take your toys, and when you told your mom, she scolded you and insisted you share. And maybe your internal (unconscious) response was “I’ll never share again.” The current discussion of healthcare reform could evoke feelings of resentment and not wanting to share.

• Or perhaps your parents tried to control you and take over your life…The fear of being controlled by authority of any kind could be evoked (whether by a spouse, a friend, an employer, a doctor, a government).

And here are some specific examples of people with here and now fears and the roots of those fears:

• Bob was very sick as a small child, and was hospitalized often. Forced to be away from his mom and dad, and spending his nights by himself, in pain in a hospital bed, he felt alone and wondered if his parents would ever come back to take care of him. Now, as a grown-up, Bob fears the rising cost of healthcare, fears his premiums will go up so high he will no longer be able to afford to have the doctor take care of him, and fears that, if he loses his job, he will lose his insurance and thus access to healthcare. These fears, although legitimate concerns, are so strong in him that he would do anything and everything to make sure he can visit a doctor if he feels he needs to…and would support any legislation that looks like it may help him (and the small child still alive within him) feel safer.

• Sally’s young life was full of unsettling and traumatic changes…from the death of her beloved grandfather to being bullied at the new school she attended when her family moved. Young Sally decided, unconsciously, “Change is painful. When I grow up, I want everything to always stay the same!” Now, Sally is a U.S. Senator. She carries with her this fear of change in general, tied in with her concern over the possibility of changes that bring with them more governmental control over patients’ choices of doctors and insurance. Unaware that she is being driven by the decision about change she made so long ago, she routinely votes down any healthcare reform bill that’s brought up, no matter how beneficial it could be for our nation.

If we don’t tease away the ancient feelings from the current ones, if we don’t heal the wounded feelings from our childhood, we will be unable to make clear, conscious choices about healthcare reform. Our choices will instead be made by the wounded child inside of us, of whom we are unaware, leading us to act out in counter-productive, and often destructive, ways.

Try to visualize this… Imagine a lawmaker in a 40-year old body sitting at a child-sized table working on his or her laptop, reading the latest version of a proposed healthcare bill. Or imagine a man or woman in a 50-year old body trying to decide what to support in healthcare reform, but sitting in a child-sized rocking chair, or a tot-sized swing. And if we try to bury or push down these feelings, rather than deal with them, they will simply keep rising again and again to haunt us from our inner underground, affecting not only our own individual lives, but also the life of our country.

©Copyright 2009 by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

A few weeks ago, I spent the morning with a group of financial planners in Atlanta. It was a delicious experience . . . from the moments before my talk began, when several of the members introduced themselves and thanked me for coming to their meeting . . . through the talk, and two heart-touching demonstrations of my work with the root of people’s relationships with money . . . to the harvesting, during which many participants acknowledged they realized they knew they needed to do their own work for themselves and they knew they needed to do their own work if they were going to help their clients.*

I was moved again and again as these open, willing, courageous men and women allowed me to touch them with the truth . . . that nothing we do with our money in the here and now will create a sustaining and sustainable relationship with money . . . until we do the inner work on our relationship with money. No matter how well we budget our money; no matter how much money we save; no matter how wisely we spend; no matter how well we plan. That the only thing that will create a sustainable relationship with money is doing our own inner healing work with the root of our relationship with money . . . which inevitably leads to some other aspect of our life experience and our psyche that is calling out for healing and growth.

As part of my talk, I helped them understand . . .

Often . . . usually . . . only a small portion of our most intense feelings are here and now. The larger share of those intense, deep, raw feelings are from long ago in our childhoods. Many here and now situations will trigger the feelings from long ago that we haven’t yet healed and resolved. Some of those situations are more minor situations, like a disappointment in a relationship with someone close to us. Perhaps a friend doesn’t have time to talk with us about a difficult interaction at work. Some of those situations are major situations like 9/11, the recession, or the possibility of a pandemic flu.

When major situations like these occur, they bring up here and now feelings . . . particularly feelings of fear. But they also trigger our feelings, our fears and our terrors from early on in our lives, the ones we’ve buried and have spent great effort trying to keep buried. At every occasion when a past feeling is evoked, if we utilize that opportunity to follow the feeling for the purpose of healing, it changes us within and changes the world around us at the same time. At every occasion when a past feeling is evoked by communal events, saying ‘yes’ to that chance to heal helps change us inside and it also helps change our world, too. . . and if many of us are choosing healing all in the same period of time, related to the same event or events . . . imagine the change that can be created. The sustainable change!

When you feel something more intense than today’s situation warrants . . . It’s a signal that something from your past has been triggered. Draw a boundary between what you feel and any action you’re tempted to take. For example, if you are furious at someone for not listening to you, don’t rage at that person. Remove yourself temporarily from the situation, if you can . . . and commit firmly to allow yourself the time later to not only express these feelings in a safe, conscious, and non-destructive way for the purposes of healing…but also to explore the roots of these feelings.

Do not stop here, however. To truly heal these feelings, you must “make good” on the promise to yourself to both express and explore these feelings in a safe way. If you stop at simply removing yourself from the situation and telling yourself you will deal with it later, and if you don’t move forward to do the inner work to heal, you are simply burying the wound further by trying to “manage” or “control” it. Instead, stick to your commitment to follow the rage (or any other feeling) inside you to its original source and do the work with those feelings in a safe, conscious, purposeful way . . . on your own if you already know how and have built the capacity, or with a good, safe therapist.

Every choice you make to not hurt someone today -
Yourself or others -
For what you experienced long ago in your childhood -
Makes your world safer . . .
Makes your world and our world safer . . .
Today and in the future.

Think of this in relation to what’s occurring in our world today . . .
Imagine what must have happened in people’s lives long ago that results in their destroying property, others’ savings, and lives.
Imagine if they began making the choice to not hurt someone today for what they experienced long ago in their childhoods.

Imagine using your power to create safety -
purposefully, consciously, and with utter self responsibility.
Imagine being invested in making the change to safety
Breath by breath, step by step, yes by yes.
Imagine the safety that can be created from the inside out . . . on the inside and the outside.

*In therapy it is known that a therapist can’t take a client past where the therapist has gone in his/her healing. That is not just true of therapy. It’s also true of other life paths, for example, financial planning.

©Copyright 2009 by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

In the Prologue of Power Abused, Power Healed, I quote Claude Steiner, author of The Other Side of Power:

“The personal is political; our personal struggles follow the same patterns and motivations observed in local, regional, national, and global politics.”

I have rarely read an article that so very clearly depicts this truth as a recent in-depth article from news and opinion website AlterNet. The article, Bush Era Horrors Will Haunt Us Until We Truly Face Them,* tackles the issue of our reaction to breaking news of the misdeeds of various members of government and governmental organizations during the years the Bush Administration was in office. Predicting that the recent report of past abuses in government “will have its brief time in the media sun and then be swallowed up by oblivion, just as each of the previous flaps has been,” this piece offers the following words of wisdom:

“We can’t just ‘move forward.’ We need to face who we’ve been and just how badly we’ve acted, if we care to become something better.”

***

This is indeed true of our focus and attention relating to the revelations of abuse… and also of a more subtle, but just as important, aspect of our lives: the inner wounds and feelings, rooted in our childhood, that are still alive within us.

As I have said so many times before, we live in a society and world that, sadly, at present often seeks a “quick fix” for painful feelings and situations. We try to manage, control, suppress, repress, think away, wish away, even spiritualize away our pain, both present and past. But, the consequences of forgetting our individual, our national or our global past leads only to a re-burial of our wounds…which, in turn, leads to these same wounds rising again and again to the surface, to haunt us from our underground.

Further within this article, the author contends:

“Perhaps the greatest fantasy of the present moment is that there is a choice here. We can look forward or backward, turn the page on history or not. Don’t believe it. History matters.”*

This is so true also of our individual inner wounds, as well as of the outer manifestations of those wounds. So often we try to “turn the page” on our own personal history, on the abuses we have endured, and also the abuse we have perpetrated on others. But our personal history cannot be silenced. It surfaces again and again, in our feelings, our thoughts, our attitudes, and our actions. Neither can our communal history be silenced. If we do not acknowledge the misdeeds of our leaders and the ways in which we have supported them – actively or passively, knowingly or unconsciously . . . If we do not learn to utilize our leaders as mirrors to our innermost selves and as guides to healing the wounds we so need to heal . . . we will continue to make poor choices for ourselves and for our nation. This may be in relation to our terror, in relation to our money and our other resources, in relation to our protecting ourselves . . .

“However busy we may be, whatever tasks await us here in this country — and they remain monstrously large — we do need to make an honest, clear-headed assessment of what we did (and, in some cases, continue to do), of the horrors we committed in the name of… well, of us and our ’safety.’” *

“…of the horrors we committed in the name of … well, of us and our ’safety.’” Whether individually or nationally, that’s what defenses are … what we create in the name of our safety. And although as children our defenses may save our sanity or our lives – repressing our awareness and our feelings, silencing our voice, striking out – as adults those same defenses can feed the abuse of power, can cause great destruction. . . and as a nation, those defenses can destroy a world.

The work of healing individually and globally is yes! “monstrously large”! But that’s nothing compared to the energy – and other resources – we spend and spend and spend, holding onto these defenses. And that’s nothing compared to the new possibilities we can create, fulfill, and sustain by letting our defenses dissolve – leaving us not defenseless, but rather undefended – and healing our wounds beneath them at the root, in order to, as this AlterNet article states, “become something better.”

Bush Era Horrors Will Haunt Us Until We Truly Face Them

** Germany has had to do such exploration, to help understand how they allowed Hitler’s destructiveness to take over the country and to prevent such a tragedy from happening again. In fact . . .recently, on D-Day 2009, German Chancellor Dr. Angela Merkel, President Obama, and Elie Wiesel visited Buchenwald. Each of them spoke on the occasion. As a psychotherapist, a person, and a woman, I was deeply moved by Chancellor Merkel’s heartful, soulful questions: “We, the Germans, are faced with the agonizing question. “How and why? How could this happen? How could Germany wreak such havoc in Europe and in the world?”

©Copyright 2009 by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Ten-year old Ann is playing outside on her family’s patio. There’s a bush at the edge of the patio with a funny-looking hanging sack attached to it. Ann watches as the sack seems to swing back and forth on the branch.

After some time, the sack breaks off the limb and falls on the patio, rolling and jumping about on the slate. Ann stoops to look at the fallen sack. Then she runs purposefully into the house . . . and a minute later back out onto the patio with a pair of scissors in her hand. Ann picks up the sack, holds it gently, and begins to carefully cut open the sack length-wise. When the opening she makes spreads wide, out flies a beautiful creature, deep orange in color with black markings. Working its wings, it rises in the air, as though taking off, and then . . . crashes to the ground.

A look of horror on her face, Ann starts screaming for her mother. “Mommy! Mommy!” she shrieks, “come help me.”

Her mother races out to the patio, scared that Ann is hurt, to find Ann safe and sound, though sobbing, and a beautiful butterfly dead on the patio. Taking her daughter into her arms, Ann’s mother looks around and sees the butterfly, the sack with its opening, and the scissors.

Mom calms Ann, “It’s okay, sweetheart. I see what happened. With your big heart, you thought whoever was inside the cocoon was trapped inside and was struggling to get out. You didn’t want to see it suffering, so you found a way to help it out. But there’s an important thing you didn’t know – all that movement of the sack is really the way the butterfly strengthens its wings so it has the ability to fly and sustain its flight. When you cut open the cocoon to free it, you actually interrupted its strengthening exercises. That’s why it crashed to the ground … its wings just weren’t ready.

Ann relaxed a bit into her mother’s comforting arms in response to her calm voice, her understanding what happened, and her knowing that Ann didn’t hurt the butterfly on purpose. Still crying, though, Ann looked at her mom and moaned, “But I killed the butterfly, Mommy!”

Her parent acknowledged, “Yes, the butterfly is dead, sweetheart. But you didn’t mean to hurt it. You didn’t mean to kill it. You didn’t understand. It was an accident. What if you tell the butterfly that you’re sorry . . . and then you and I will bury it?”

“Okay, Mommy. Come with me?” Ann climbed out of her mom’s lap and went over to the butterfly. She lay on her belly on the patio with her eyes very close to the butterfly. “I’m so sorry, beautiful butterfly. I thought you were trapped. I thought you were trying to get out. I felt so sad for you. I wanted to help you get free. I didn’t know what was really happening. I really didn’t know you would die. I won’t do that ever again. I promise.”

Ann and her mom buried the butterfly, said a prayer for it, and sat together in silence for a bit before going hand-in-hand back into the house to prepare for dinner.

**********************

Living in today’s culture, in which people are so afraid of feelings, sadly the usual response to other people is the equivalent of cutting open the cocoon.

Are you like Ann? Do you feel such compassion for the struggling and suffering of people in pain that, without realizing it, you do something to stop their pain . . . and in so doing, interfere with the development of their deep strength?

Sometimes the best use of our power is to be silent and still. . . and to allow what is occurring to unfold naturally. This is true with butterflies. This is true with midwives assisting in a birth. This is true with our journeys of healing and becoming our deepest selves.

It takes being able to go through your own pain. It takes being able to utilize your pain for healing and growing. It takes trust, and being able to take leap after leap of faith . . . in behalf of yourself, in behalf of others, and in behalf of our world!

NOTE : I heard this story years ago. I don’t know who first wrote it or told it. Whoever that was, I give them thanks.

©Copyright 2009 by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Debbie and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

“In the depth of winter, I finally realized that deep within me there lay an invincible summer.” A. Camus

Let’s face it, life throws us curves sometimes. We all experience the ups and downs that lead some of us to seek the help of a therapist or counselor: relationship issues, money problems, job struggles, grief and loss. Add any of those stressors to our current economy and it becomes even more challenging to stay positive and thankful! And yet, an optimistic focus is an essential quality for mental health and happiness. What do we do?

The Practice of Optimism

The alarming thing about tough times is that negativity feeds on itself. As we “talk fear” to others, we contribute to THEIR anxiety. They then spread that talk to more people, keeping us all in a state of uneasiness. Negativity is truly contagious, a “mental virus” spread by thoughtless conversation, news stories, and emails. Before you know it, a whole nation is panicking, which helps cause the very hard times we fear.

What we Focus On, Grows…

An ‘attitude of gratitude’ simply means that we make a conscious choice to put our attention on what we like about our lives. One easy exercise is to list the three best things that happened to us today, and then note why they happened. The “why” is usually because we chose to make an effort to improve our lives, whether it’s the good feelings we get from working out, or the pleasure of calling a friend. This helps us see that we are not victims and we are not powerless. There is always one small thing we can do to improve our present circumstance and ease our anxiety. Some ideas:

• Lay the problem down. Take a break from trying to solve the situation. Put aside the divorce papers and take a walk. Leave the resume writing behind and watch a funny movie. Let your mind rest.

• Limit the time spent dwelling on and talking about the problem. Just as not talking about it at all makes it worse by suppressing it into the body, so talking about your problem obsessively can keep you panicked. Your discussions should be brief and you should only confide in a positive, non-advising friend, family member, and your counselor.

• Give yourself healthy treats. A nap, a novel, or signing up for a class can be a little lift to help you get through a hard time.

• Examine the problem on paper. Write down how you feel for a few minutes to release the problem. Things look different on paper than in your head!

• Let yourself grieve. Grief is a natural and necessary process when facing a loss, whether you have lost a job, a person, a lifestyle, or a marriage. Crying is important for release of cortisol, a damaging hormone that builds in the body during stress.

• Avoid negative people. There will always be those who are determined to “spread the virus” of negativity. Some people get a sense of importance from repeating bad news and the media depends on bad news for ratings! Be wise about who gets your attention.

There is always something hopeful to say, something to be grateful for. Fix your attention on what you appreciate, and more good things will come along!

©Copyright 2009 by Debbie Devine, MS, LPC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Debbie and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

We are going through a transformation . . . individually and globally. Many people are scared . . . they haven’t been taught about transformation. They haven’t been taught how to go through it.

Many people are afraid . . . so many things that are part of transformation
trigger feelings from long, long ago, trigger fear from long ago.
The triggering is a guide to the healing.
The feelings from earlier times are the guides to our healing and transforming –
if we learn how to discern them from here and now feelings;
if we learn how to utilize them safely and draw a boundary so we feel them
but don’t act out on them;
if we learn to build our capacity to feel them;
if we follow through and allow ourselves to go through the feelings at the heart
of the wound and out the other side.

Many people are afraid of change . . .
are afraid of the unknown . . .

But we have examples in nature that show us how.

For example . . . the snake.
In regular cycles, the snake sheds its skin.
About a week before the shedding begins,
the old skin starts to lift away from the new skin.
At this point the snake’s eyes begin to become cloudy,
and for the time of the shedding, the snake is unable to see.
The snake is temporarily blind.
And the new skin underneath
that remains after the shedding
is tender.

When we are in this stage of transformation -
of shedding whatever in ourselves and our lives
needs to be let go – it is scary.
We are not used to being blind,
especially without knowing if we will ever see again.
We do everything we can not to be tender, or raw.

But if we can breathe through the blindness,
Breathe through the unknown,
Breathe through any discomfort during the shedding or right after,
Breathe through and allow the process of the transformation
to occur . . .
instead of interfering with the shedding,
we can be a help in our own transformation.

Many blessings as you shed!
Judith

©Copyright 2009 by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Joanna and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Recovery is a noun that describes a continuing process. To start eating disorder recovery is to start a journey.

To be on that journey is to be on your path to health and emotional and intellectual development. Your path leads to your true self, to your inner resources of courage, creativity, self respect, strength and ability to be committed and dedicated.

Recovery from bulimia or anorexia or binge eating or compulsive eating is not just about making peace with food and developing healthy eating habits. Recovery is not just about developing or forcing yourself into living with a realistic sense of your body.

Recovery involves living a balanced life. It means feeling all you can feel and digesting your feelings so they inform and enrich your entire personhood. They don’t spill out for others to take care of. They don’t create such distress that you need to use food or drugs or sex or shopping or high drama or manipulations or dissociation to get relief.

Recovery is about being real in the real world. It is about having the ability to live, cope, adapt, work, love, play in freedom. It means being responsible for yourself and your actions. It means respecting and honoring boundaries so you can truly take care of yourself while respecting and being in relationship with others.

It means more serenity, joy and smiles in your life. And it means being able to eat and enjoy food in freedom.

Eating disorder recovery work involves just about every dimension of your life, and that’s a good thing. As you gradually let go of your problematic food related behaviors (eating too much, too little, purging, exercising to make up for a binge, laxative use etc.) you find yourself experiencing powerful and sometimes subtle physical and emotional sensations and feelings. You want them to stop and your eating disorder behaviors are no longer an option. Your task and your challenge becomes: How do I take care of myself instead?

This is your great guiding question that leads you to your new and better life. Follow where this question leads makes up the bulk of true eating disorder recovery work.

The question not only guides you along your path, it creates your path. For example, instead of compulsive eating to numb your feelings, perhaps you paint to express them, or get involved in a political movement to express them, or get into an academic program so you are more equipped to address the issues beneath your feelings like, I want to be more competent in the world, I want a job, I want a different job, I want to advance in my career, I don’t want to be an assistant – I want to be the prime mover who has an assistant. You can eat or starve over your frustration and live with an eating disorder. Or you can tolerate your frustration, name it and equip yourself to rise above it. That’s recovery work.

Recovery is an endless journey where life continues to get better as you go.

©Copyright 2009 by Joanna Poppink, LMFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Joanna and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

The Story of Sharon

The discussion of corporate power, its misuses and abuses, abound in our world today. The story of John (see GT Blog 5-7-09) took this issue to a deep place: the place where change must occur in order for our world to recover. This place is within each of us. How do we use our personal power? Misuse and abuse of personal power can undermine the potential of any corporation. And right use of power has the ability to transform it.

An interesting perspective on the issue of power … what if we look at the misuse of power manifested in those who don’t use their power? If those who abuse their power obviously are doing so from early wounds . . . then what about those who don’t use their power when it is needed, out of frozenness, their inability, their own childhood wounds.

Imagine if . . . corporations, their employees and leaders fearlessly worked to improve our world. Imagine if . . . both the leaders and the employees of every organization worked with their feelings so they didn’t have to act them out on the corporate and world stage. Imagine if . . . every one of us – however we were wounded, however we misuse our power – did our own healing work so that we could contribute to this vision in the best way possible.

As leaders and members of an organization, are you prepared to personally take on the challenge of deep change? Are you willing to look at how the transformation of your inner world can in turn transform your outer world? Are you willing to heal your relationship with power for the betterment of yourself, an improved impact on your employers, co-workers and employees, and the transformation of your organization?

Sharon cringes every time her boss, John comes to her desk right outside his office. And she wants to crawl out of her skin when he begins talking to her in his so familiar way, “Shaaaa-ron …”

Sharon is familiar with the cadence and the tone. As a child, her mother began scolding her just that way every single morning. It was like the daily wake-up ritual. So she knows exactly what to expect next: a half-hearted compliment, followed by a criticism clothed in a question, chastising, belittling, contempt, and an outright accusation. Each time the content was different, but the elements were all there.

Sentence by sentence John chips away at Sharon’s self confidence and her sense of self worth. “Good letter, Sharon, but …. Don’t you think it would help if you used Spell-check on your work? I’ve asked you to do that before. Have you no pride in your work? Are you deliberately trying to make me look bad?”

Sharon has been losing weight. She has been unable to sleep well at night. She’s been in a constant state of tension and nervousness. And she is trying harder and harder to please John … to no avail.

She hates working for him, but she needs the job. Although she is very capable and could easily find another job, she is unable to extricate herself from John’s abuse of power . . . precisely because it is a reenactment of her childhood family abuse dynamic.

When we experience pain and trauma as children, we cannot bear the pain. Without even realizing it, we bury the feelings that are too much for us to feel, along with the decisions we make about ourselves, others, and life, and sometimes even along with the memory of the painful event. These feelings, decisions, and memories drive us from beneath our conscious awareness, leading us to create situations in our lives that mirror or even duplicate the original painful experiences. We may unconsciously draw people into our lives like those who originally hurt us. We may unconsciously perceive or interpret experiences so that they appear the same as previous experiences. Or we may react to either real or perceived here and now experiences in the same way we reacted to our childhood experiences.

If Sharon was abused as a child in the same way John is abusing her now . . . she may feel all the same things with John that she felt as a child.

Day by day passes with no change in the scenario … until one day John loudly, publicly humiliates Sharon. He comes charging out of his office screaming at her. She apologizes profusely. He screams again, “If you want food on your table, clothes on your body, and a roof over your head, you’d better do exactly as I say!”

She wants to scream back at him. She wants to tell him she’s had enough. She wants to run. She wants to quit. Once again, however, paralyzed with fear, she can take none of these actions. She is unable to move, unable to find her voice, unable to even look at him.
She cannot even cry.

The whole experience is so shocking, if you asked Sharon what happens next, she wouldn’t be able to tell you. Interestingly, the same would be true of John. It is actually a trauma for both of them. It is as though each falls into a trance and comes to minutes later, Sharon at her desk, John in his office, starting all over again.

A few minutes later, he comes out of his office and before he can say a word, Sharon raises her hands to shield her head and whimpers, “Please don’t hit me. Please don’t hit me.”

Sharon is living repeated reenactments of the abuse she lived and relived as a child with her mother. In fact, John threatens her with the very same words her mother used continuously, “If you want food on your table, clothes on your body, and a roof over your head, you’d better do exactly as I say!”

She is caught in the reenactment. She keeps receiving the abuse. She keeps being unable to stand up for herself or extricate herself. What is she going to do?

One day, going through John’s mail, Sharon spots the title of an article in America’s Business Journal, “Is Abuse of Power Wreaking Havoc with Your Business?”

“Oh my!” Sharon takes a deep breath. “I want to read this. I have a feeling it will help me somehow. But how do I find a way to read it without John knowing and attacking me again? “Well,” she strategizes, just like she had done when she was a little girl, “if he doesn’t know it’s arrived, there won’t be a problem. I’ll just have to find a way to take it home and get it back for him before he realizes.” Nervously she slips it inside one of her large magazines and into the huge purse she carries with her everywhere she goes.

After dinner that night, Sharon sits at her dining room table amazed as she reads the article. It’s calming and upsetting at the same time. According to the authors, some form of abuse occurs in most of the companies in the country. That means she’s not alone. At the same time it indicates the level of abuse in the country is enormous. She is filled with questions. “How do so many people come to the point of acting abusively? And how do so many people come to the place to allow it?”

Sharon reads and reads, absorbed in what she’s learning from others about the life she’s been living. And about the life John’s been living, too. She learns that people can get help to stop abusing their power, and that people can get help to stop allowing themselves to be abused. With this awareness, she wants to get help. One of the authors of the article is in the business world. The other is a psychotherapist. Sharon decides to call the psychotherapist for an appointment.**

Sharon calls me on a Saturday morning, and working at my desk, I answer the phone. Nervous about intruding on my weekend, she begins by apologizing. “I’m so sorry to bother you on your weekend. I thought I’d just get your voicemail.”

I assure her it’s okay, that I wouldn’t have answered the phone if I weren’t fine with it.

She sounds frightened, “Are you sure? I’m really sorry.”

I reassure her, and ask why she’s called.

She tells me she wants to come talk with me about her abusive boss and how she feels trapped in her job. We set an appointment for Monday evening after work, and as she says goodbye, she pleads, “I’m really hoping you can help me. I’m at my wits end.”

Responding to her plea in a way that I hope might both empower her and give her hope, I offer, “Sharon, let’s see what together we can do to help you.”

I find Sharon sitting in my waiting room, trembling. Gently approaching her, I invite her into my office.

She sits down, still trembling . . . on the edge of tears.

I gently offer, “I’m here for you, Sharon. Let me know how I can help.”

“I’m so frightened,” she whispers, after a long silence. “I’m afraid of my boss, John.”

“What about him frightens you, Sharon,” I ask, inviting more.

“Everything!” she cries. And the dam bursts. She cries and cries, like a little child, perhaps a 3-year old child.

I sit quietly, from time to time making empathic sounds that come from my heart and at the same time let her know I’m there with her.

Eventually she looks up at me, the tears still streaming down her cheeks. I’m right there, meeting her eyes with my own, and I ask her gently . . . “Who else are you afraid of in the same way you’re afraid of John?”

“My mother,” she says, this time not in a whisper but a voice tinged with anger.
“She treated me the same way John treats me. She did the same things – Every morning she began the day by scolding me. She began with a tease, what seemed to be a compliment, and then criticized me with questions, ridicule, disdain, and outright accusation. Each time what she was attacking me for was different, but the elements were all there. He does the same thing, Judith.”

“And what happened inside you when your mother treated you this way, Sharon?” I dig deeper to get to know her better and find the way to help her.

“I wanted to run away. I wanted to scream ‘Stop.’ I wanted to ask ‘Why are you treating me this way?’ I wished my father hadn’t died leaving me alone with her. I wanted to disappear. But I was terrified and couldn’t move a muscle, couldn’t speak a word, couldn’t even look at her. I felt like I would be trapped there forever. I was afraid I would die there in a frozen heap.” The voice Sharon didn’t have with her mother or John, is, thank goodness, coming to life with me.

‘Is that what happens inside you, Sharon, when John treats you the same way?”

“Exactly the same thing, Judith. Exactly. I don’t know what to do. I’m at my desk and feel like a child. How can I protect myself when I feel like a 3-year old? How can a little girl do my job?”

“Good, Sharon. Your answer and your questions show us how aware you are, and can lead us to the solution and the healing you need.”

“What do you mean, Judith? I don’t understand.”

“We need to stop in a few minutes . . . for today. But I’ll tell you what I mean and that can help you till our next appointment . . . if you’d like to come back. What I mean is this, Sharon: You were deeply wounded by your mother’s abuse of you as a very little girl. The feelings were too much for you to bear. The responses you had were impossible for you to act on. There wasn’t protection to help you feel or act. You were paralyzed with fear. Your experience with John is a re-enactment of those early times with your mother, and your reactions are exactly the same. . . because you haven’t yet found the help to assist you in healing the early wound. My training and my experience as a therapist are for just this purpose: to help you and others like you to heal the original wound to the very root, so you won’t have the same reactions if you find yourself in the same kind of situation, and maybe eventually won’t even experience the same kind of reenactment. Does that make sense to you, Sharon?”

With a bit of hope in her voice she asks, “You mean it is possible to heal this frozen nightmare?”

“Absolutely,” I smile back, “if you want to, and if you are willing to do the work to heal it.”

“I do want to come back next week, Judith. Will you help me?”

“Of course, Sharon. Let’s set an appointment for next week, and when you come, we’ll talk about how to proceed on a regular basis.”

We set the appointment, and before we stand to close the session, I ask Sharon, “What will you take with you when you leave today?”

“Hope, Judith. Hope that I really can heal this way of life I’ve been living as a frozen abused person.”

“That’s wonderful, Sharon. I’ll look forward to helping you move out of a life of abuse.”

There’s no need to do more today. Her leaving with hope is plenty to carry with her through her week. And I’m so aware that every session John has will help heal the abuse in their relationship. But so also will every session Sharon has help heal that same abuse.

** In real life, I would not see both John and Sharon, two people in a relationship, involved in the same situation. That would be crossing a boundary that wouldn’t be good for either of them. But in order to give an inside picture of the experience from every vantage point, I’m writing the stories as though I am working with both of them.

©Copyright 2009 by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

The Story of John

The discussion of corporate power, its misuses and abuses, abound in our world today. To name a few: companies allowing tainted products to go to market; corporations laying off loyal employees while the “higher ups” enjoy exorbitant salaries, bonuses, and big profits; corporations receiving huge bailouts and continuing to spend and spend on “perks” . . . including continuing to lobby congress for further bailouts. And still more: mortgage lending abuses leading to widespread foreclosures; corporate contributions to political campaigns as a way to buy favors; corporate control within mass media; use of our planet’s limited resources for corporate gain; inhuman conditions in foreign sweatshops. Are corporations truly concerned with public interest or simply determined to keep their power? And who benefits from this power hoarding?

The following story takes this issue to an even deeper place; the place where change must occur in order for our world to recover. This place is within each of us. How do we use our personal power? Personal power misuse and abuse can undermine the potential of any corporation. And right use of power has the ability to transform it.

Imagine if . . . corporations, their employees and leaders fearlessly worked to improve our world. Imagine if . . . corporate resources were only used to improve a balanced bottom line while respecting the planet, employees, and future generations. Imagine if . . . the leaders of every organization worked with their feelings so they didn’t have to act them out on the corporate and world stage. Imagine if . . . every one of us did our own healing work so that we could contribute to this vision in the best way possible.

As organizational leaders and change agents are you prepared to personally take on the challenge of deep change? Are you willing to look at how the transformation of your inner world can in turn transform your outer world? Are you willing to heal your relationship with power for the betterment of yourself, an improved impact on your co-workers and employees, and the transformation of your organization?

The Story of John

John storms into his office fuming, slams the door behind him, and paces around the room. Through his glass enclosed CEO office, he takes in all that he has built in the past ten years. And, quite frankly, he doesn’t give a damn who sees him in his self-justified rage.

Sharon, his executive assistant, did not give him what he wanted. She didn’t have the report ready as much ahead of time as John wanted; she didn’t have it put together in a sophisticated enough package; the font and type size she chose turned him off; and she had absolutely no graphics in the report at all. But worst of all . . . she didn’t know what he wanted without his having to ask her!

As he paces and mutters to himself, the fuming calms and then rises again to a fevered pitch. “How could she not have known? She’s had six months to learn about me. To discover what I need and want!”

This is the fifth assistant in 2½ years that he let go after six months on the job. Is he ever going to find the right assistant?

John, president of a very successful financial company, has built his business from nothing. All by himself! And at the expense of everyone who works for him. Not an employee in the company escapes his displeasure. Whether it comes in the form of subtle chipping away at self-confidence, threats of dismissal if something is not done John’s way, public humiliation in meetings and in the everyday office environment, or fiery rages … each employee knows someday, any day, he or she might be the recipient. Everyone walks on eggshells at the office, and particularly around John.

And why does John allow himself to behave this way? Isn’t he aware of what he’s doing? Doesn’t he care that he is alienating and frightening everyone in his company? Perhaps everyone with whom he does business? Doesn’t he feel any remorse? What can he be thinking?

One of John’s best customers, Arnie, has witnessed this power dynamic in John’s company a couple of times while visiting. Employees walk on eggshells. John explodes. Employees cower. And John leans over to Arnie, as though he’s about to confide in his customer. “Our foundational policy, Arnie, is to give the customer what he wants. For my employees, you’re the customer. And so am I. We get what we want! That’s it!”

Arnie is repelled by this, but doesn’t let on in the moment. Finally, one day, it is Arnie who leans over to John to confide in his business colleague, “You might not want to hear this, John, but I have to tell you. I don’t feel good about how you treat your employees. I think you have a problem.”

“What!” bristles John. “What are you telling me?”
“You treat them like slaves who should be at your beck and call,” continues Arnie. “I think you need to get some help. I know a woman who helps people with just this kind of situation. She helps them get to the root of why and how they use or misuse their power the way they do. She aims to help them use their power well, magnificently . . . which is exquisite leadership. Actually, John, I had a situation in my company with one of my employees that I had to address. She helped me a lot, both with my employee and with myself. That’s why I’m now able to talk to you about this.”

“What are you saying, Arnie? That I abuse my power? That I’m an abuser?” John asks with his words, while protesting with his tone of voice. His mind is racing. Now he is scared. He doesn’t dare tell Arnie that he has lost 3 customers in the past six months because of the same thing. He feels threatened. To save his business with Arnie, maybe to save his business period, he is going to have to go see this woman and prove to Arnie he’s trying.

“How does it feel to you to think that, John?”

“Horrible,” blurts John, partly to ease the threat and partly because it’s true. Something inside John is just beginning to shift. “But if it’s true, I want to do something about it. I’ve thought I was just being a strong boss. I don’t want to be abusive – to anyone.”

Arnie takes out his own business card, turns it over, writes on it, and hands John the card. “Here, John. Call this woman, Judith.”

John calls me, saying Arnie has referred him. When he comes for the initial consultation, he is blustery at first. Telling me about his conversation with Arnie, the business he has recently lost, and his desire to build not destroy his company, within a couple of minutes he begins to soften. As he watches and feels my response to him, he continues to open up with me. He tells me about his outburst with Sharon. In his description are just the clues I need:

“How could she not know?
She’s had six months to learn about me.
To discover what I need and want!”

“Does that feel and sound familiar to you, John?” I gently explore.
“No. Why do you ask?” he inquires, taken aback.

“To me, John, it feels like your response to Sharon is not about the current time. It is far too intense and deep to be about today. It sounds like what Sharon did or did not do is pushing a button in you, sparking something from your childhood. Perhaps before you ever had words to speak or could even think in words. My sense, John … we have the clues both to find the root of your reaction and to help you not just control it, but even heal it. If you want to do that.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. You’re way over my head,” John prickles in confusion and frustration.

“Let me ask you this, John. Do you decide you’re going to yell at Sharon before you begin?”

“Of course not. Do you think I would be such a fool?” John bridles defensively.

“I’m not trying to criticize or demean you in any way, John. I’m attempting to gather one more piece of information before I show you the clues I’ve gathered. I just need to know if you decide you’re going to yell at Sharon or if the explosion just seems to come on its own.”

“It erupts like a volcano. It has a life of its own.” He begins to settle down. I’m quite sure I have seen the beginnings of the reaction John experiences on a daily basis.

“Thank you, John.” I start pulling the threads together. “When we have unfinished, unresolved, or unhealed issues from our childhood, they erupt in relation to everything in our lives, particularly the people in our lives. When that happens, it is the sign post to the work we need to undertake. The key: The here and now events are the gateway to past occurrences that are still alive and unresolved within us.”

“I’ve never heard of such a thing,” John comments, a bit more open, curiosity aroused.

“It’s true for all of us, John,” I continue teaching, building a foundation of understanding for showing him his personal issues. “You, me, Arnie. Everyone in your company, everyone in your family. Doctors, lawyers, teachers, clergy, politicians, government officials, world leaders. All of us. The task is to find the clues, trace them to their source, understand the patterns and defense we’ve developed to avoid the early pain, and do the deep work to heal ourselves to the root. If we don’t do the work inside ourselves related to our own past, then we create in the outer world something that is painful for us and those around us. I think this is what’s happening at your office.”

“So at least I’m not alone,” relief breathes through John’s pores.

“No, you aren’t, John,” I assure him. “And here are the first few clues: You have not gotten past the first six months with any assistant in the past 2 ½ years. Six months seems to be an important threshold for you. When you are triggered, or as I call it ‘evoked,’ your response is reflexive and somewhere on the continuum from displeasure to volcanic rage. The words that go with your feelings are: ‘How could she not know? She’s had six months to learn about me. To discover what I need and want!’ Right here, John we have enough information to guide us.”

“I understand, but I don’t know where you’re going with it,” John sounds annoyed again.

“Here’s where I’m going, John. My hunch: the explosive, abusive reaction of the almost six foot tall, 220-pound man that you are . . . is really the emotional response of 6-month old baby John, whose mother still didn’t attune to him after six months of knowing him. Who still didn’t know what he needed and wanted after all that time.”

John chokes a bit, perhaps on the tears that he can’t yet allow to flow. Color rises slowly in his face. When he is finally able to speak, he whispers, “That rings true.” After a few minutes in silence, John continues softly, hesitantly, “What next?”

“We will need to end this consultation in about 10 minutes, John. What would you like to do next?” I ask, putting the power of choice back in his hands.

“I feel scared and hopeful,” he responds honestly. “I don’t think what I’ve learned in an hour today is going to solve the problem. But I would like to work with you in the hopes that we can end my explosions. Do you think that’s possible?”

“Yes, I do, John, especially if you want to,” I respond in celebration. “And I’d be glad to work with you to that end. You’ve made a powerful start. In the long run, this will be healing for you, for your company, for your employees, and for your customers. And it will be a profound imprint for healing the misuse of power in our world.”

We schedule a weekly appointment. I give John a consciousness-building homework assignment – to write everything he’s aware of when he has been triggered. And we say ‘goodbye’ until next week. After John leaves, I give great thanks for one more step toward healing the misuse and abuse of power in our world, and helping people to use their power well!

Note 1: This story is a fictionalized composite of real life experiences.
Note 2: It is not only employers who misuse and abuse their power. Employees do, too. I’m using this example to make a point: if the employer doesn’t heal his or her misuse and abuse of power, the entire organization suffers, with a rippling effect out into the world.

©Copyright 2009 by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Recently the U.S. backed President of Afghanistan, Hamid Karzai, reportedly signed a law which legalizes the rape of a wife by her husband by not allowing her to refuse sex, and prevents women from leaving the house without a man’s permission. This is a blatant attack on womanhood…and another example of the abuse of power that is rampant in our world. But this abuse is now out in the open, ready, waiting, and even screaming to be healed.

Rape is an act of power and control. The act of rape is often a defense against ancient inner wounds to a man’s relationship with his own mother, and a reaction to the feelings of powerlessness he may have had in childhood. How could a man be willing to treat women like this . . . unless he’s still angry at the first woman in his life, his mother?

And why would we, women and men, stay silent and allow such an act to go unchallenged? This too has its roots in childhood wounding. Healing this vacuum where effective use of power needs to be cannot stop at the here-and-now level. We all, men and women, need to heal our own early wounds around being powerless – with mother and anyone else in our childhood, whether it be a particular person, a family tradition, a cultural norm.

Right action on the here and now level is of course necessary and a crucial first step to the healing process. But…by itself, nothing in the outer world in the current day will truly resolve rape and violence against women and create sustainable change. Not the legal process. Not incarceration. Not injunctions. Not anger. Not politics. Not government. Not even therapy that deals with controlling behavior, feelings, and thoughts. Healing the experience of powerlessness and all the feelings involved to the source in childhood is absolutely crucial if we are going to create and sustain the changes we need to have happen in our world.

How do we do this? It’s a big task. . .

Taking children’s feelings seriously is crucial. Parents doing their own inner work of mind, body, heart, and soul is also crucial . . . so they won’t abuse their power with their children out of their own childhood wounds. Helping our society not be afraid of our feelings is absolutely crucial. Teaching people the difference between feelings that are truly right to act on in the present moment and feelings that are guides to healing ancient wounds, not to be acted on in the present moment is absolutely crucial. Drawing a boundary between the feelings that are from the past and action that could be destructive, then getting the help to use those feelings for healing is absolutely crucial.

Reweaving the fabric of our society to include an understanding of feelings, an honoring of feelings, an inclusion of utilizing feelings for healing is absolutely crucial.

Our not using our power to challenge laws and attitudes that condone rape is an abuse of power in itself. Healing our relationships with power – in a way that helps us work through our feelings at the core – is not only possible, but crucial – for the sake of ourselves, our sisters, our mothers, our daughters…our fathers, our brothers, our sons…and for the sake of our world!

©Copyright 2o09 by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Lois and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Often when we think of forgiveness we think of letting someone, “getting away” with something or, “getting off scott-free”. Forgiveness is not about ignoring the fact we were hurt. It is not about setting yourself up to get hurt again. Forgiveness is not reconciliation or changing your mind about what is best for you. Forgiveness is not even something we do to enhance the life of another. It is, in one sense, a very selfish act.

A wise man once said, “Resentment is a poison one takes hoping to harm another.”

If we really look at what the lack of forgiveness does to us, we notice the emotional internal pain we inflict on ourselves. Long-held resentment can lead to physical symptoms as well; muscle tension, migraines, high blood pressure, poor concentration, sleep and appetite disturbances, and a suppressed immune system, to name a few.

Another important reason to learn to forgive is as a model for children. Children do as we do, not as we say. If you can’t forgive for yourself and your own serenity, then forgiving as a life-lesson for your children may be the reason you need. When children see us do things that are extremely difficult, it makes an impression. Children then believe that they also are able to overcome difficult emotional situations and find the best possible solution for their own peace of mind. Most of the movies and games children are exposed to glorify retaliation and holding grudges. Your real-life modeling can have a great impact on their own ability to forgive and not carry insults and betrayals throughout life.
Forgiving is not endorsing what the offender did, or pretending that consequences aren’t deserved. But in forgiving we place the quality and serenity of our own life above what may be warranted for another. It is difficult to put down resentment. It is not in our nature to accept when things are not “fair”. Sometimes we fear we will be placing ourselves in vulnerability again if we forgive and try to forget.

Empowering questions we need to ask ourselves are; “Am I willing to give away more of my life to the person who offended me? Do they really deserve all this energy and attention? Do I choose to give them more of my thoughts, energy, passion and focus? What am I taking away from those I love by holding on to this grudge? Who am I really ‘making pay’ for my anger?”

Hate attaches us to the object of our focus. In one way, resentment is as bonding of an emotion as love. We become emotionally connected to the despised object when we dwell on rage and thoughts of retaliation. The intensity of focus and connection is similar to when we dwell on all the adorable qualities of someone we love. Resentment may be an uncomfortable feeling but it is impossible to completely disconnect emotionally from some one whom you hate and despise. Forgiveness is the knife that can sever that attachment and free up passionate energy to go into your dreams, goals, children, new relationship, new career, etc.

We choose to forgive. No one earns forgiveness. No one “deserves” forgiveness; because we can’t turn back time and have the offense (or offenses) not take place. Forgiveness is a decision we make to enhance the quality of our own life.

Forgiveness is not moving our boundaries and allowing the offender to continue to hurt us. We are still responsible to respectfully, assertively and with dignity set our boundaries and care for our emotional and physical safety. For instance, if you have been in a physically abusive relationship and your partner refuses to get treatment or work on anger management skills, forgiveness means “releasing from debt,” not moving back in or taking the restraining order off. It does mean not dwelling on what you are “owed”, or bringing up how horribly you were treated every opportunity that arises. It means standing outside a victim perspective and asking yourself what things you admire in yourself that kept you alive (caring for children, maintaining the house or a job, establishing friendships, etc). It means giving yourself credit for who you have become for having gone through this experience. It means first forgiving yourself for being in the situation. Then, after you have been kind to yourself for awhile, you will then have the compassion to begin forgiving others.

Forgiveness is a process, is it not an event. In Clarissa Estes’ book, “Women Who Run With the Wolves”, she describes four phases of forgiving.

The first is “to forgo-to leave it alone”; this is to take a break from thinking about the other person for awhile. This allows us to gather strength in other areas of life and keeps us from becoming exhausted and immobilized.

A good way to do this is when thoughts of resentment come to mind say, “next”, and refuse to dwell on the anger and bitterness. Acknowledge the thought and let it pass on through your mind without “feeding” it.

The second is “to forbear-to abstain from punishing”. This is to restrain ourselves from punitive mutterings, gossip or acting in hostile ways. It is to practice the generosity of refraining from retaliation.

When we begin this phase we may need to stop ourselves in mid-sentence, or retract an absolute “no” that we just gave in retaliation for our emotional pain. It is not easy to stop gossiping, whining and “making them pay”. Give yourself credit when you notice yourself holding back from participating in these behaviors.

The third is “to forget-to avert from memory, to refuse to dwell”. This is not to have a blank memory, but it is to have the person and events move to the background rather than stay in the foreground of your mind. It is to consciously distract yourself when you start ruminating about the person.
And the fourth is “to forgive-to abandon the debt”. Forgiveness is not surrender. It is a conscious decision to stop harboring resentment, and giving up your resolve to retaliate. It is a decision to take charge of your emotions and choose serenity over hostility and unrest.

To write off the debt takes generosity of spirit. It takes a great deal of self-love and knowing that you are whole and complete without ever having things be “fair,” in regards to the one who offended you. To forgive the debt means you are not diminished by the actions of the other. You are powerful and lovable without the repayment of this debt.

A final stage is to give up the right to ever hold the betrayal over the other’s head: giving up the right to ever bring up the subject again. It means you choose to never use it as a weapon again. This completely frees you from the hold of grudges and resentment.

The highest stage of forgiveness, and one that is not always available, is to give compassionate assistance to the person who betrayed you. This doesn’t mean placing yourself in physical or emotional danger. Nor does it mean to force yourself on another person, or to give past your point of resentment. What it does mean, is that given an opportunity to provide help, you do so without judgment and with mercy and kindness, remembering the strong centered person you have become.
Ways to start forgiving include, “putting the resentment down for a time”. This could be for an hour, a day or a week. But give your mind some time off so you have time to build another identity and have other memories to draw from. When we live in rage and resentment it is difficult to attract kind and loving people to us. Usually who will find us are other angry bitter people, “misery loves company.”
As you begin to forgive remember that on no day did you ever wake up and think, “How can I really mess up my life today?” When you understand you have always made the best decisions you could see to make at the time, you will then begin to realize it is also true for all those in your life. Each day we make the best choices we can with the options we see available to us. Sometimes fear, self-doubt, habits, addictions and ignorance narrow our view of what is available. And from that narrowed view painful decisions are often made, things that looked back upon may seem obviously self-defeating.
Forgiveness is an art. It is something we practice daily, from forgiving the driver that cut in front of us, to the injustices inflicted on us by well-meaning but uniformed parents. Making a commitment to ourselves to practice forgiveness is one of the most powerful ways to bring peace and tranquility into our lives. You can begin sleeping better, having a normal appetite, laughing more, creating spontaneity, and attracting fun-loving people into your life today. All you need to do is take time daily to remind yourself of your commitment to forgiveness.

You can do this by journaling, writing letters you never send, meditating, praying, walking in nature, participating in group support, talking with a friend, reading books or listening to inspirational tapes. Finding ways to rejuvenate spiritually will also help remind you there is a bigger order to the world, you are not alone, and you are important, safe and protected. Even if you have never considered yourself a forgiving person you can begin changing your self-definition today.

Remember, the love and forgiveness you put out into the world will come back to you ten fold.

©Copyright 2009 by Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Lois and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

This Must Be Healed!… Recently, I learned from a friend, that his company was taken over from the inside. This was political. It may have happened in a company, but it could have happened in an educational institution, a religious institution, or in a government. My friend shared with me that his company was taken over from the inside, that people who had been in the company, partners in the company even, for 30 years, were let go . . . all that mattered was money. That the values of the company collapsed . . . all that mattered was money. That the humanitarian efforts the company had so embraced previously were tossed aside . . . all that mattered was money. That the people who had devoted themselves to the company were thrown out . . . all that mattered was money. That the people who remained only mattered in relation to how much money they could bring in . . . all that mattered was money.

At the root, people’s relationships with money and feelings about money preceded the current market turmoil by a long, long time. Those feelings – whether they appear as anxiety, fear, anger, greed, power, helplessness – will be here long after the chaos of our economy right now is calmed down. In fact, the feelings at the root of our relationships with money exist all the time. They are not going to go away, certainly not as a result of things we do on the practical level in the outer world – not by selling our assets, getting another job, destroying the company to which people have been committed for decades, making nothing matter but money!

The only thing that can help resolve those feelings is for us to do the work in our inner world – the world of our psyche and soul – to discover, explore, heal, and improve our relationship with money at its source. In other words, the things we do in the outer world cannot be sustained without our also doing things in our inner world that bring healing and transformation.

This is a time in which each of us will be faced with choices again and again. Whether in our families, our companies, our communities, our countries, our world, we will meet the choice to act with kindness or cruelty, to treat people with dignity or consider them only a tool with which to get what we want. We will meet the choice to look outside, inside, or both. We will meet the choice to heal to the root or to act out our woundedness in our world . . . in our families, our companies, our communities, our countries, and our world!

Power, like lightning, is a raw, vibrant force of nature . . . with the potential for great harm, and the possibility for magnificent good. Each of us chooses, whether consciously or unconsciously, how we will use the power of our own life energy.*

Deep Chanage: How Healing Your Relationship with Power can Transform your Organization

The Story of John

The discussion of corporate power, its misuses and abuses, abound in our world today. To name a few: companies allowing tainted products to go to market; corporations laying off loyal employees while the “higher ups” enjoy exorbitant salaries, bonuses, and big profits; corporations receiving huge bailouts and continuing to spend and spend on “perks” . . . including continuing to lobby congress for further bailouts. And still more: mortgage lending abuses leading to widespread foreclosures; corporate contributions to political campaigns as a way to buy favors; corporate control within mass media; use of our planet’s limited resources for corporate gain; inhuman conditions in foreign sweatshops. Are corporations truly concerned with public interest or simply determined to keep their power? And who benefits from this power hoarding?

The following story takes this issue to an even deeper place; the place where change must occur in order for our world to recover. This place is within each of us. How do we use our personal power? Personal power misuse and abuse can undermine the potential of any corporation. And right use of power has the ability to transform it.

Imagine if . . . corporations, their employees and leaders fearlessly worked to improve our world. Imagine if . . . corporate resources were only used to improve a balanced bottom line while respecting the planet, employees, and future generations. Imagine if . . . the leaders of every organization worked with their feelings so they didn’t have to act them out on the corporate and world stage. Imagine if . . . every one of us did our own healing work so that we could contribute to this vision in the best way possible.

As organizational leaders and change agents are you prepared to personally take on the challenge of deep change? Are you willing to look at how the transformation of your inner world can in turn transform your outer world? Are you willing to heal your relationship with power for the betterment of yourself, an improved impact on your co-workers and employees, and the transformation of your organization?

*******
John storms into his office fuming, slams the door behind him, and paces around the room. Through his glass enclosed CEO office, he takes in all that he has built in the past ten years. And, quite frankly, he doesn’t give a damn who sees him in his self-justified rage.

Sharon, his executive assistant, did not give him what he wanted. She didn’t have the report ready as much ahead of time as John wanted; she didn’t have it put together in a sophisticated enough package; the font and type size she chose turned him off; and she had absolutely no graphics in the report at all. But worst of all . . . she didn’t know what he wanted without his having to ask her!

As he paces and mutters to himself, the fuming calms and then rises again to a fevered pitch. “How could she not have known? She’s had six months to learn about me. To discover what I need and want!”

This is the fifth assistant in 2½ years that he let go after six months on the job. Is he ever going to find the right assistant?

********

John, president of a very successful financial company, has built his business from nothing. All by himself! And at the expense of everyone who works for him. Not an employee in the company escapes his displeasure. Whether it comes in the form of subtle chipping away at self-confidence, threats of dismissal if something is not done John’s way, public humiliation in meetings and in the everyday office environment, or fiery rages … each employee knows someday, any day, he or she might be the recipient. Everyone walks on eggshells at the office, and particularly around John.

And why does John allow himself to behave this way? Isn’t he aware of what he’s doing? Doesn’t he care that he is alienating and frightening everyone in his company? Perhaps everyone with whom he does business? Doesn’t he feel any remorse? What can he be thinking?

********

One of John’s best customers, Arnie, has witnessed this power dynamic in John’s company a couple of times while visiting. Employees walk on eggshells. John explodes. Employees cower. And John leans over to Arnie, as though he’s about to confide in his customer. “Our foundational policy, Arnie, is to give the customer what he wants. For my employees, you’re the customer. And so am I. We get what we want! That’s it!”

Arnie is repelled by this, but doesn’t let on in the moment. Finally, one day, it is Arnie who leans over to John to confide in his business colleague, “You might not want to hear this, John, but I have to tell you. I don’t feel good about how you treat your employees. I think you have a problem.”

“What!” bristles John. “What are you telling me?”
“You treat them like slaves who should be at your beck and call,” continues Arnie. “I think you need to get some help. I know a woman who helps people with just this kind of situation. She helps them get to the root of why and how they use or misuse their power the way they do. She aims to help them use their power well, magnificently . . . which is exquisite leadership. Actually, John, I had a situation in my company with one of my employees that I had to address. She helped me a lot, both with my employee and with myself. That’s why I’m now able to talk to you about this.”

“What are you saying, Arnie? That I abuse my power? That I’m an abuser?” John asks with his words, while protesting with his tone of voice. His mind is racing. Now he is scared. He doesn’t dare tell Arnie that he has lost 3 customers in the past six months because of the same thing. He feels threatened. To save his business with Arnie, maybe to save his business period, he is going to have to go see this woman and prove to Arnie he’s trying.

“How does it feel to you to think that, John?”

“Horrible,” blurts John, partly to ease the threat and partly because it’s true. Something inside John is just beginning to shift. “But if it’s true, I want to do something about it. I’ve thought I was just being a strong boss. I don’t want to be abusive – to anyone.”

Arnie takes out his own business card, turns it over, writes on it, and hands John the card. “Here, John. Call this woman, Judith.”

********

John calls me, saying Arnie has referred him. When he comes for the initial consultation, he is blustery at first. Telling me about his conversation with Arnie, the business he has recently lost, and his desire to build not destroy his company, within a couple of minutes he begins to soften. As he watches and feels my response to him, he continues to open up with me. He tells me about his outburst with Sharon. In his description are just the clues I need:

“How could she not know?
She’s had six months to learn about me.
To discover what I need and want!”

“Does that feel and sound familiar to you, John?” I gently explore.
“No. Why do you ask?” he inquires, taken aback.

“To me, John, it feels like your response to Sharon is not about the current time. It is far too intense and deep to be about today. It sounds like what Sharon did or did not do is pushing a button in you, sparking something from your childhood. Perhaps before you ever had words to speak or could even think in words. My sense, John … we have the clues both to find the root of your reaction and to help you not just control it, but even heal it. If you want to do that.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. You’re way over my head,” John prickles in confusion and frustration.

*******

“Let me ask you this, John. Do you decide you’re going to yell at Sharon before you begin?”

“Of course not. Do you think I would be such a fool?” John bridles defensively.

“I’m not trying to criticize or demean you in any way, John. I’m attempting to gather one more piece of information before I show you the clues I’ve gathered. I just need to know if you decide you’re going to yell at Sharon or if the explosion just seems to come on its own.”

“It erupts like a volcano. It has a life of its own.” He begins to settle down. I’m quite sure I have seen the beginnings of the reaction John experiences on a daily basis.

“Thank you, John.” I start pulling the threads together. “When we have unfinished, unresolved, or unhealed issues from our childhood, they erupt in relation to everything in our lives, particularly the people in our lives. When that happens, it is the sign post to the work we need to undertake. The key: The here and now events are the gateway to past occurrences that are still alive and unresolved within us.”

“I’ve never heard of such a thing,” John comments, a bit more open, curiosity aroused.

“It’s true for all of us, John,” I continue teaching, building a foundation of understanding for showing him his personal issues. “You, me, Arnie. Everyone in your company, everyone in your family. Doctors, lawyers, teachers, clergy, politicians, government officials, world leaders. All of us. The task is to find the clues, trace them to their source, understand the patterns and defense we’ve developed to avoid the early pain, and do the deep work to heal ourselves to the root. If we don’t do the work inside ourselves related to our own past, then we create in the outer world something that is painful for us and those around us. I think this is what’s happening at your office.”

“So at least I’m not alone,” relief breathes through John’s pores.

“No, you aren’t, John,” I assure him. “And here are the first few clues: You have not gotten past the first six months with any assistant in the past 2 ½ years. Six months seems to be an important threshold for you. When you are triggered, or as I call it ‘evoked,’ your response is reflexive and somewhere on the continuum from displeasure to volcanic rage. The words that go with your feelings are: ‘How could she not know? She’s had six months to learn about me. To discover what I need and want!’ Right here, John we have enough information to guide us.”

“I understand, but I don’t know where you’re going with it,” John sounds annoyed again.

“Here’s where I’m going, John. My hunch: the explosive, abusive reaction of the almost six foot tall, 220-pound man that you are . . . is really the emotional response of 6-month old baby John, whose mother still didn’t attune to him after six months of knowing him. Who still didn’t know what he needed and wanted after all that time.”

John chokes a bit, perhaps on the tears that he can’t yet allow to flow. Color rises slowly in his face. When he is finally able to speak, he whispers, “That rings true.” After a few minutes in silence, John continues softly, hesitantly, “What next?”

“We will need to end this consultation in about 10 minutes, John. What would you like to do next?” I ask, putting the power of choice back in his hands.

“I feel scared and hopeful,” he responds honestly. “I don’t think what I’ve learned in an hour today is going to solve the problem. But I would like to work with you in the hopes that we can end my explosions. Do you think that’s possible?”

“Yes, I do, John, especially if you want to,” I respond in celebration. “And I’d be glad to work with you to that end. You’ve made a powerful start. In the long run, this will be healing for you, for your company, for your employees, and for your customers. And it will be a profound imprint for healing the misuse of power in our world.”

We schedule a weekly appointment. I give John a consciousness-building homework assignment – to write everything he’s aware of when he has been triggered. And we say ‘goodbye’ until next week. After John leaves, I give great thanks for one more step toward healing the misuse and abuse of power in our world, and helping people to use their power well!

Note 1: This story is a fictionalized composite of real life experiences.
Note 2: It is not only employers who misuse and abuse their power. Employees do, too. I’m using this example to make a point: if the employer doesn’t heal his or her misuse and abuse of power, the entire organization suffers, with a rippling effect out into the world.

©Copyright 2o09 by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Today I saw the movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It was a deeply moving film. I recommend it highly. And I also wish for you that you allow it to open your heart to yourself and others in a new way.

Benjamin (as you can read anywhere on the internet – so I’m not giving anything away) is born old and gets younger and younger through his life and the movie. You journey with him as he goes through the pains and joys, sorrows and comforts of life.

Again, without giving the movie away, I want to offer what moved me most . . .
That we witness, in reverse, Benjamin’s experience in life as an old man, its effect on him as he goes through his life, and his experience in life as a baby.

One of my early teachers about therapy taught this in my very first class with him – If you haven’t worked through your dependency issues in your childhood, early adulthood, or midlife . . . when you reach your elder years, you will be faced with them all over again, without the benefit of having resolved them.

Think about this. Feel it. We face and meet many of the same experiences in our elder years as we do when we are infants, babies, and children. We are often, no matter how fiercely independent we have come to be, dependent in some way on others who take care of us to some degree. Even before our elder years.

If we had parents who didn’t need for someone to be dependent on them to satisfy their wounded selves – their need to be loved, their need to have power, their need to be needed . . .
If we had parents who were fine to have someone be dependent on them and felt honored to have the task to cherish and to nourish that dependent child into his or her own unique self, becoming all he or she could possibly be . . .Then we have probably lived the passage through the dependency issues already – perhaps with a loose thread here or there that needs to be tended to.

But truthfully, how many people grew up with parents that evolved? That conscious? That un-wounded? That healed?

Most people have had parents who conceived and/or gave birth to their children unconsciously, and for reasons beneath their awareness that only a purposeful process of inner exploration could reveal.

Maybe your parents had you so they would stay connected to each other.
Maybe they had you so your sibling wouldn’t be alone in the world.
Maybe so they wouldn’t be alone, themselves.
Maybe so they would have someone to love or someone to love them.
Perhaps so they would have someone who couldn’t leave them.
Perhaps so they would have someone they could have power over, like their parents had power over them.
These and other reasons greatly affect what it’s like for a child going through the years of gestation, birth, infancy, babyhood, and childhood – the ages of dependency.

Maybe your parents were tickled with you when you were a baby, in the stage of oneness.
Maybe they tried to keep you in the stage of oneness as long as they could, longer than was good for you. And when you began to have a “mind” of your own, a will of your own, including needing to not be “one” anymore . . . perhaps they were triggered by your individuating process – the process of becoming your own person, separate from them. Perhaps they became frustrated, angry, punishing then, without realizing that your movement to become yourself was triggering their own stuckness in their dependency issues, their own stuckness in the stage of oneness in their childhood, their own inability to move through the dependency issues into the unique self they needed to become.

Or maybe your parents were terrified of you when you were a baby. Maybe they wanted to give you away. Maybe you reminded them of their own experience as a baby. Maybe they felt inadequate to give you what you needed and so were frightened every time you needed something. And in their fear either withdrew from you or blamed you, made you feel your needs were not okay, and took it out on you.

These are simply two extremes of possibilities that reveal our not making it through our dependency issues. There are many possibilities in between these extremes.

And there are many outcomes that can emerge from the variety of childhood experiences.
For example, an adult man who might seem completely incapable, and who might seem fine to be that way . . . may have come to believe he is incapable because his parents taught him that in order to keep him with them. He may be longing to know his huge potential and longing to fulfill it. He may not even know it’s possible to do that kind of healing work with a therapist. And an adult woman who may appear to be fiercely independent, may have become that way out of fear of being dependent on anyone in any way . . . because of her frightening experiences of dependency as a child.

If we are to work through our dependency issues, we need to enter the process of how we feel about our own needs, our own feelings, our own asking, our being taken care of or not being taken care of. We need to be able to discern between needs we think are here and now needs and those that are really the needs of the dependent child still alive within us calling to be known, expressed, felt, and responded to in a healthy way . . . purposefully and for healing. In this exploration, we need to stop expecting our boss, our friends, our partner, to take care of our baby needs under the guise of some here and now request or demand. But we need to not try to cut off or get rid of our early needs. Instead we need to learn how to work with and heal in relation to those needs that call from deep within, whether they are baby needs or the needs of our souls. There is a significant teasing apart and diving deep into our inner selves that is calling us!

One more piece I’ll add here, before I stop and give you the time and space to sit with all I am offering: It is in our infancy, our babyhood, and our childhood that we are most powerless.

Whatever we learn about power and powerlessness, the use of power and its misuse or abuse comes from our earliest times in this world. Whatever we decide about power and powerlessness, the use of power and its misuse or abuse, and what we are going to do with our power . . . comes from our earliest times in this world. From the times when we have no thoughts in our minds and no words to express them. The times when our body holds our experiences and is our body/mind/heart all wrapped into one. So our experience of dependency and our experience of power are all entwined beneath our awareness.

The way to untangle them is to delve into the inner exploration of ourselves. To really experience how “then” unconsciously affects “now.” And as you do, to work through your dependency issues and your power issues. It has the potential to change your life now. It has the potential to change your elder years. And it has the potential to change the life of our world!

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PS The theme of dependency is particularly poignant at this time in our world . . . for many reasons. To name just a few . . .
* there are still babies being born in our world, who need their parents to do their own inner work of psyche and soul in order to help their children lovingly through their dependency.
* there are millions* of baby boomers who are moving toward their elder years and already facing, or on the verge of facing once again some of their own dependency issues.
* who knows how many million men, women, and children all over our world are experiencing dependency issues as a consequence of poverty, war, or abuse of power in some way?

I give great thanks to all those involved in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button for the beautiful work you have co-created and for the inspiration you sparked in me for this article.

It is my prayer that I can help. . .
With my sessions, workshops, and interviews.
With my book and my DVD.
With this article you have just read.
It is my prayer that I can help
in ways not yet known to me.

Many blessings,
Judith

*During the baby boomer years, 1946-1964 (inclusive), 75.8 million Americans were born. The biggest year of the boom was 1957, when 4.3 million boomers were born. Boomers today represent 28% of the U.S. population.
Using the years 1946 through 1964 as boundaries, boomers are now (in 2006) between 42 and 60 years old.

©Copyright 2009 by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile