Pragmatic/Experiential Couples Therapy: Moving Past Blame and Contempt
This case description is the first in a two-part series on Pragmatic/Experiential Therapy for couples.
“Things changed almost immediately once Johnny came along,” Fred explained. “Nothing I did was good enough. According to her, I was selfish and thought only about myself. At first I thought that maybe she was right, so I really tried to devote more attention to her. I called her during the day to say, ‘Hi,’ and I got babysitters so we could have dates, but it wasn’t enough. After awhile it became clear to me that I would never ‘meet the mark’ with her.” Mary painted a different... Read More
“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven . . . a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.”
--Ecclesiastes 3:1,4
The past year has been my season of grieving. Needless to say, it’s been a long, hard year, but also, in a way that seems impossible to pinpoint, a transformative year, a year of blessings.
Much of 2011 blurs in my mind. It started with my father’s recurrence of lung cancer, then his mercifully brief, anguished last few weeks. It was the first parent I lost, and one I loved intensely. The pain of watching... 
Being considered a “perfect child” by one’s parents feels fantastic. Basking in the glow from parents’ approval and love can feel safe and special, like one is living in a magical world where everyone is happy and satisfied. These feelings are very seductive. The child is usually not aware that they pay a price in order to maintain the parents’ continued extraordinary approval. That price is the giving up of one’s unique sense of self in order to comply and be the child and then the adult that the parents adore. Being kept on a pedestal distracts from being aware that one has wants... 
All too often, women and some men (in my experience, mostly women) experience the fatigue of “having it all.” More and more women, by choice or necessity, work a full-time job in addition to family and home responsibilities, leaving little, if any, time for them. Likewise, many of us in the helping professions struggle or have struggled with the balance of giving so much emotionally to not only clients, but also family and friends, and find ourselves depleted. In both cases, it is very easy to face burnout.
When discussing work, we often hear the term job burnout, but how often have you... 
Not long ago, a friend of mine suggested that the greatest fear humans experience is the fear of death. I disagreed, saying that I believed their greatest fear is fear of loss. Death is something that is very abstract to most people, in my opinion, unless they have recently tended to a dying loved one or been otherwise exposed to the actual end of life. However, most people, in my experience, live in fear of loss, to a greater or lesser degree.
Loss can take many forms. It can mean loss of youth (or even middle age for those of us who are now elders). That translates into less energy, more facial... 
Traumatic experiences along with the mending process can expose the shrapnel from what feels like perpetually open wounds. Time lost to history and recovery, missed opportunities, broken relationships, and a delay in building life’s foundation are side effects of these experiences.
Therapists and clients are able to identify, with ease, what may seem like irreversible damage or pain. However, it is simple to overlook the pieces of our clients’ stories that are peppered with traces of hope and with a certain innocence that runs counter to what many of them have survived. This article will... 
Love is one of the most elemental of emotions—it is a building block to some of our deepest relationships and a component in many of our happiest days. Yet the ability to freely give and receive love is a fragile skill, which traumatic experiences can all too easily dent or damage. Learning how to be loved is a vital part of your healing, and here are a few tips on how to regain your ability to accept someone’s care, concern, and nurture.
The first set of tips have to do with the person who is expressing kindness, care, concern, nurture, attention, aka love to you. Because you have experienced... 
A death, divorce, illness, sudden unemployment, or any major loss, creates chaos in your life. This emotional fracturing, as well as the practical aftershocks of dealing with estates, lawyers, housing, finances, doctors, etc., often yields intense feelings that can be overwhelming.
When you think you simply can’t assimilate another thing, it’s crucial to just stop. Even if you have never meditated, simply sitting or lying down and paying attention to your breath will calm your nervous system and give you the literal breather you need.
Sometimes, it’s too hard to stay still, so take... 
Many people, but primarily young, educated, Western women, struggle to sustain a positive body image—for a multitude of reasons that have been discussed in previous posts. Often a negative body image leads to a poor relationship with the body and other aspects of self. It is associated with impoverished self-care and unhealthy eating and lifestyle habits.
Having a negative body image is related to general low self-esteem and depression or anxiety. Women with poor body image often struggle with boundaries in relationship to self and others. In this post, I will attempt to shed some light on... 
The decision has been made. You and your spouse are divorcing. There are a multitude of decisions to be made, and it is often difficult to know where to begin. You will be making decisions regarding when the children are with you and when they are with your spouse, whether to keep the family home and, if so, who keeps it. There will also be a host of other decisions you did not realize you made automatically on a daily basis that will now become conscious decisions because living in two different homes requires more coordination. While you are addressing these decisions and working to manage your... 
Expressive Arts Therapy bridges the gap between the conscious and the unconscious. It can bring light to areas of therapy that are blocked, inhibited, and stuck, as well as bringing greater focus to those areas of concern. The primary focus is on the process, which allows the client to discover new insight and meaning that might not be achieved with traditional talk therapy. Appropriate for all ages, it can enhance each person’s emotional, spiritual, cognitive, and physical well-being. While no talent in the use of expressive arts is required, several modalities available to the client within... 
I just read in a newspaper article that health clubs see a nice jump in membership at this time of year, due to all those New Year’s resolutions to lose weight. Of course, many new members will make a concerted effort for a month or two, and then slowly drift away.
Why is so hard to change or break bad habits? For instance: snacking or nibbling in a way we know is not the healthiest for us but have trouble stopping (I’m guilty of this myself).
First, notice the word “guilty”. Why guilty? Is this a trial? What, exactly, am I guilty of? I imagine a giant finger wagging at me from above,... 
Resolutions are a popular topic at this time of the year, and with predictions that the year 2012 may be our last (if the ancient Mayan calendar is to be believed!), perhaps a greater number of us than usual are at least contemplating how best to make sure we go out on a positive, rather than sour, note.
How will 2012 be different for us? If we didn’t quite live up to our last year’s expectations, will we simply try harder, using the same tactics, in hopes that our goals will be met now? Or will we become innovators, thinking up more creative ways of working toward our vision? The former... 
