GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC

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“Every form of power can be used well or misused.
The law has been used to manipulate as well as to serve justice.
Parenthood has been used as a means of captivity, and it has been used to nourish a soul, helping it grow into fullness.
Sexuality has been used as a weapon to rape and dominate, as a substitute for unmet childhood bonding and physical touch, and as an exquisite sacred expression of love and union.”*

The recent events related to film director Roman Polanski bring up a lot of questions for us to examine as individuals and as a world culture. Read the rest of this entry

GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC

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So much is being said and felt about healthcare reform. But do we know if our fears surrounding the issue of healthcare reform are from the here-and-now, or from once-upon-a-time long, long ago?

As a psychotherapist I see how often our ancient terrors are enmeshed with our current fears, such that the fear we feel over current events is magnified by the unresolved fears from our childhood. This happens not only on an individual scale, but also a cultural, national, and even global scale. This enmeshment of ancient and current fears (and other feelings) blinds us to the truths that are present today and to making wise decisions for lasting solutions. Read the rest of this entry

GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC

Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

A few weeks ago, I spent the morning with a group of financial planners in Atlanta. It was a delicious experience . . . from the moments before my talk began, when several of the members introduced themselves and thanked me for coming to their meeting . . . through the talk, and two heart-touching demonstrations of my work with the root of people’s relationships with money . . . to the harvesting, during which many participants acknowledged they realized they knew they needed to do their own work for themselves and they knew they needed to do their own work if they were going to help their clients.*

I was moved again and again as these open, willing, courageous men and women allowed me to touch them with the truth . . . that nothing we do with our money in the here and now will create a sustaining and sustainable relationship with money . . . until we do the inner work on our relationship with money. No matter how well we budget our money; no matter how much money we save; no matter how wisely we spend; no matter how well we plan. That the only thing that will create a sustainable relationship with money is doing our own inner healing work with the root of our relationship with money . . . which inevitably leads to some other aspect of our life experience and our psyche that is calling out for healing and growth. Read the rest of this entry

A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC

In the Prologue of Power Abused, Power Healed, I quote Claude Steiner, author of The Other Side of Power:

“The personal is political; our personal struggles follow the same patterns and motivations observed in local, regional, national, and global politics.”

I have rarely read an article that so very clearly depicts this truth as a recent in-depth article from news and opinion website AlterNet. The article, Bush Era Horrors Will Haunt Us Until We Truly Face Them,* tackles the issue of our reaction to breaking news of the misdeeds of various members of government and governmental organizations during the years the Bush Administration was in office. Predicting that the recent report of past abuses in government “will have its brief time in the media sun and then be swallowed up by oblivion, just as each of the previous flaps has been,” this piece offers the following words of wisdom:

“We can’t just ‘move forward.’ We need to face who we’ve been and just how badly we’ve acted, if we care to become something better.”

***

This is indeed true of our focus and attention relating to the revelations of abuse… and also of a more subtle, but just as important, aspect of our lives: the inner wounds and feelings, rooted in our childhood, that are still alive within us.

As I have said so many times before, we live in a society and world that, sadly, at present often seeks a “quick fix” for painful feelings and situations. We try to manage, control, suppress, repress, think away, wish away, even spiritualize away our pain, both present and past. But, the consequences of forgetting our individual, our national or our global past leads only to a re-burial of our wounds…which, in turn, leads to these same wounds rising again and again to the surface, to haunt us from our underground. Read the rest of this entry

A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC

Ten-year old Ann is playing outside on her family’s patio. There’s a bush at the edge of the patio with a funny-looking hanging sack attached to it. Ann watches as the sack seems to swing back and forth on the branch.

After some time, the sack breaks off the limb and falls on the patio, rolling and jumping about on the slate. Ann stoops to look at the fallen sack. Then she runs purposefully into the house . . . and a minute later back out onto the patio with a pair of scissors in her hand. Ann picks up the sack, holds it gently, and begins to carefully cut open the sack length-wise. When the opening she makes spreads wide, out flies a beautiful creature, deep orange in color with black markings. Working its wings, it rises in the air, as though taking off, and then . . . crashes to the ground.

A look of horror on her face, Ann starts screaming for her mother. “Mommy! Mommy!” she shrieks, “come help me.”

Her mother races out to the patio, scared that Ann is hurt, to find Ann safe and sound, though sobbing, and a beautiful butterfly dead on the patio. Taking her daughter into her arms, Ann’s mother looks around and sees the butterfly, the sack with its opening, and the scissors.
Read the rest of this entry

By Debbie Devine, MS, LPC

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“In the depth of winter, I finally realized that deep within me there lay an invincible summer.” A. Camus

Let’s face it, life throws us curves sometimes. We all experience the ups and downs that lead some of us to seek the help of a therapist or counselor: relationship issues, money problems, job struggles, grief and loss. Add any of those stressors to our current economy and it becomes even more challenging to stay positive and thankful! And yet, an optimistic focus is an essential quality for mental health and happiness. What do we do?

The Practice of Optimism

The alarming thing about tough times is that negativity feeds on itself. As we “talk fear” to others, we contribute to THEIR anxiety. They then spread that talk to more people, keeping us all in a state of uneasiness. Negativity is truly contagious, a “mental virus” spread by thoughtless conversation, news stories, and emails. Before you know it, a whole nation is panicking, which helps cause the very hard times we fear.

What we Focus On, Grows…

An ‘attitude of gratitude’ simply means that we make a conscious choice to put our attention on what we like about our lives. One easy exercise is to list the three best things that happened to us today, and then note why they happened. The “why” is usually because we chose to make an effort to improve our lives, whether it’s the good feelings we get from working out, or the pleasure of calling a friend. This helps us see that we are not victims and we are not powerless. There is always one small thing we can do to improve our present circumstance and ease our anxiety. Some ideas: Read the rest of this entry

A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC

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We are going through a transformation . . . individually and globally. Many people are scared . . . they haven’t been taught about transformation. They haven’t been taught how to go through it.

Many people are afraid . . . so many things that are part of transformation
trigger feelings from long, long ago, trigger fear from long ago.
The triggering is a guide to the healing.
The feelings from earlier times are the guides to our healing and transforming –
if we learn how to discern them from here and now feelings;
if we learn how to utilize them safely and draw a boundary so we feel them
but don’t act out on them;
if we learn to build our capacity to feel them;
if we follow through and allow ourselves to go through the feelings at the heart
of the wound and out the other side.

Many people are afraid of change . . .
are afraid of the unknown . . .

But we have examples in nature that show us how. Read the rest of this entry

By Joanna Poppink, LMFT

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Recovery is a noun that describes a continuing process. To start eating disorder recovery is to start a journey.

To be on that journey is to be on your path to health and emotional and intellectual development. Your path leads to your true self, to your inner resources of courage, creativity, self respect, strength and ability to be committed and dedicated.

Recovery from bulimia or anorexia or binge eating or compulsive eating is not just about making peace with food and developing healthy eating habits. Recovery is not just about developing or forcing yourself into living with a realistic sense of your body.

Recovery involves living a balanced life. It means feeling all you can feel and digesting your feelings so they inform and enrich your entire personhood. They don’t spill out for others to take care of. They don’t create such distress that you need to use food or drugs or sex or shopping or high drama or manipulations or dissociation to get relief.

Recovery is about being real in the real world. It is about having the ability to live, cope, adapt, work, love, play in freedom. It means being responsible for yourself and your actions. It means respecting and honoring boundaries so you can truly take care of yourself while respecting and being in relationship with others. Read the rest of this entry

A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC

Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

The Story of Sharon

The discussion of corporate power, its misuses and abuses, abound in our world today. The story of John (see GT Blog 5-7-09) took this issue to a deep place: the place where change must occur in order for our world to recover. This place is within each of us. How do we use our personal power? Misuse and abuse of personal power can undermine the potential of any corporation. And right use of power has the ability to transform it.

An interesting perspective on the issue of power … what if we look at the misuse of power manifested in those who don’t use their power? If those who abuse their power obviously are doing so from early wounds . . . then what about those who don’t use their power when it is needed, out of frozenness, their inability, their own childhood wounds. Read the rest of this entry

A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC

Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

The Story of John

The discussion of corporate power, its misuses and abuses, abound in our world today. To name a few: companies allowing tainted products to go to market; corporations laying off loyal employees while the “higher ups” enjoy exorbitant salaries, bonuses, and big profits; corporations receiving huge bailouts and continuing to spend and spend on “perks” . . . including continuing to lobby congress for further bailouts. And still more: mortgage lending abuses leading to widespread foreclosures; corporate contributions to political campaigns as a way to buy favors; corporate control within mass media; use of our planet’s limited resources for corporate gain; inhuman conditions in foreign sweatshops. Are corporations truly concerned with public interest or simply determined to keep their power? And who benefits from this power hoarding?

The following story takes this issue to an even deeper place; the place where change must occur in order for our world to recover. This place is within each of us. How do we use our personal power? Personal power misuse and abuse can undermine the potential of any corporation. And right use of power has the ability to transform it. Read the rest of this entry

A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC

Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Recently the U.S. backed President of Afghanistan, Hamid Karzai, reportedly signed a law which legalizes the rape of a wife by her husband by not allowing her to refuse sex, and prevents women from leaving the house without a man’s permission. This is a blatant attack on womanhood…and another example of the abuse of power that is rampant in our world. But this abuse is now out in the open, ready, waiting, and even screaming to be healed.

Rape is an act of power and control. The act of rape is often a defense against ancient inner wounds to a man’s relationship with his own mother, and a reaction to the feelings of powerlessness he may have had in childhood. How could a man be willing to treat women like this . . . unless he’s still angry at the first woman in his life, his mother?

And why would we, women and men, stay silent and allow such an act to go unchallenged? This too has its roots in childhood wounding. Healing this vacuum where effective use of power needs to be cannot stop at the here-and-now level. We all, men and women, need to heal our own early wounds around being powerless – with mother and anyone else in our childhood, whether it be a particular person, a family tradition, a cultural norm. Read the rest of this entry

By Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D.

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Often when we think of forgiveness we think of letting someone, “getting away” with something or, “getting off scott-free”. Forgiveness is not about ignoring the fact we were hurt. It is not about setting yourself up to get hurt again. Forgiveness is not reconciliation or changing your mind about what is best for you. Forgiveness is not even something we do to enhance the life of another. It is, in one sense, a very selfish act.

A wise man once said, “Resentment is a poison one takes hoping to harm another.”

If we really look at what the lack of forgiveness does to us, we notice the emotional internal pain we inflict on ourselves. Long-held resentment can lead to physical symptoms as well; muscle tension, migraines, high blood pressure, poor concentration, sleep and appetite disturbances, and a suppressed immune system, to name a few.

Another important reason to learn to forgive is as a model for children. Children do as we do, not as we say. If you can’t forgive for yourself and your own serenity, then forgiving as a life-lesson for your children may be the reason you need. When children see us do things that are extremely difficult, it makes an impression. Children then believe that they also are able to overcome difficult emotional situations and find the best possible solution for their own peace of mind. Most of the movies and games children are exposed to glorify retaliation and holding grudges. Your real-life modeling can have a great impact on their own ability to forgive and not carry insults and betrayals throughout life.
Forgiving is not endorsing what the offender did, or pretending that consequences aren’t deserved. But in forgiving we place the quality and serenity of our own life above what may be warranted for another. It is difficult to put down resentment. It is not in our nature to accept when things are not “fair”. Sometimes we fear we will be placing ourselves in vulnerability again if we forgive and try to forget. Read the rest of this entry

A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC

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This Must Be Healed!… Recently, I learned from a friend, that his company was taken over from the inside. This was political. It may have happened in a company, but it could have happened in an educational institution, a religious institution, or in a government. My friend shared with me that his company was taken over from the inside, that people who had been in the company, partners in the company even, for 30 years, were let go . . . all that mattered was money. That the values of the company collapsed . . . all that mattered was money. That the humanitarian efforts the company had so embraced previously were tossed aside . . . all that mattered was money. That the people who had devoted themselves to the company were thrown out . . . all that mattered was money. That the people who remained only mattered in relation to how much money they could bring in . . . all that mattered was money.

At the root, people’s relationships with money and feelings about money preceded the current market turmoil by a long, long time. Those feelings - whether they appear as anxiety, fear, anger, greed, power, helplessness - will be here long after the chaos of our economy right now is calmed down. In fact, the feelings at the root of our relationships with money exist all the time. They are not going to go away, certainly not as a result of things we do on the practical level in the outer world - not by selling our assets, getting another job, destroying the company to which people have been committed for decades, making nothing matter but money! Read the rest of this entry

A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC

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Today I saw the movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It was a deeply moving film. I recommend it highly. And I also wish for you that you allow it to open your heart to yourself and others in a new way.

Benjamin (as you can read anywhere on the internet - so I’m not giving anything away) is born old and gets younger and younger through his life and the movie. You journey with him as he goes through the pains and joys, sorrows and comforts of life.

Again, without giving the movie away, I want to offer what moved me most . . .
That we witness, in reverse, Benjamin’s experience in life as an old man, its effect on him as he goes through his life, and his experience in life as a baby.

One of my early teachers about therapy taught this in my very first class with him - If you haven’t worked through your dependency issues in your childhood, early adulthood, or midlife . . . when you reach your elder years, you will be faced with them all over again, without the benefit of having resolved them.

Think about this. Feel it. We face and meet many of the same experiences in our elder years as we do when we are infants, babies, and children. We are often, no matter how fiercely independent we have come to be, dependent in some way on others who take care of us to some degree. Even before our elder years.

If we had parents who didn’t need for someone to be dependent on them to satisfy their wounded selves - their need to be loved, their need to have power, their need to be needed . . .
If we had parents who were fine to have someone be dependent on them and felt honored to have the task to cherish and to nourish that dependent child into his or her own unique self, becoming all he or she could possibly be . . .Then we have probably lived the passage through the dependency issues already - perhaps with a loose thread here or there that needs to be tended to.

But truthfully, how many people grew up with parents that evolved? That conscious? That un-wounded? That healed? Read the rest of this entry

By Anne Ream ATR-BC, LPC

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For many years, I felt uncomfortable when someone started talking about another person’s “attitude.” It always seemed as if the speaker was simply angry and wanted to make the other person change, often using their own negative attitude. When the angry party exploded with “I don’t like your attitude,” it was as if they fully expected the other person to magically manifest a better one. This did not make sense to me. As a result, I’ve done a lot of thinking about what an attitude really is.

In the course of cognitive behavioral studies I’ve learned that when it comes to the concept of an “attitude,” there are a number of factors involved. The first is a situation, the second is a collection of thoughts a person has about that situation, the third is a collection of feelings surrounding the situation, and the fourth is comprised of behaviors that result from these thoughts and feelings. Based on these factors, I asked the question “what part of the equation is an attitude?”. It’s not the situation, nor is it a thought or a feeling, so it must have something to do with behavior. Indeed, an attitude is a set of small behaviors. An attitude is comprised of facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language, all of which express an individual’s thoughts and feelings. Read the rest of this entry

A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC

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When I was a little girl,
A grown up told me that if you would dig
all the way through the earth to the other side,
you would come out … and be in China.
I don’t know generally about the wisdom of telling that to a child.
What I do know …
it was an inspiration to me.
It taught me that no matter how hard the ground.
no matter how deep you have to go.
if you keep digging …
you will come out on the other side.
Metaphorically, transformationally,
that person gave me a great gift…
one I carry in my own heart and cells and hold
as I work with people individually and in groups.

Descending through the earth to the other side;
Climbing the mountain and going over the top;
Taking a biiiiig step up;
Swimming up a waterfall;
Diving deep into the ocean of life;
Coming through the birth canal;
Taking a leap of faith off the edge of all you have known…
Whatever your picture of this experience…
as many times as you and we have done this before,
we are preparing to do it once again
at a crucial point in life,
in the life of each of you,
and in the life of our world.

Voting is not enough . . . It is only the beginning.
Whether the outcome of the vote is what you wanted or not what you wanted, it is not enough. It is only the beginning.

We need to go deeper still. Read the rest of this entry

A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC

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I, like you, am witnessing the events in our country and our world. I see the crises we are facing, among them the financial crisis. And like you, I have seen in clients the effects of ancient feelings and wounds on their attitudes, emotional states, and behaviors in relation to the present economic situation.

I know people are afraid. I know some of the fear is here and now, and some of it is from long ago. To help you tease the two apart so you can respond better to today’s needs – both your own and those of your clients – I feel called to share with you the following article, which will be published in The NAPFA Advisor* November/December issue, to help you gain awareness and insight into how our relationship with money affects not only our inner and outer life, but also the life of our world.

It is good to know that financial planners will be reading the article and taking what they learn to the people with whom they work. It is good to know you, as therapists, will be reading the article, using it to help yourself and your clients in this time of financial challenge.

This time of crisis is also a time of great opportunity . . . as all crises are at heart. Opportunity to go deeper into the roots of the crisis . . . to heal and transform at the very core, to create something new from the inside out - individually, nationally, and globally. Read the rest of this entry

By Debbie Devine, MS, LPC

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It contributes to illness. It’s the major factor in back pain. In fact, it makes ANY pain worse. And it’s not always caused by bad things-it can be related to celebrations, new jobs, holidays, new babies, and many other things we would never wish away.

Yes, I’m talking about stress, or as defined by Webster’s, “a strain or pressure on the body or mind.” It’s almost always presented as a reason people finally get professional help for life issues, and I diagnose and treat it daily.

The body and mind perceive any change as potential danger, and they react with heightened awareness, muscle tension, and increased cortisol production (cortisol is that nasty hormone that can increase blood pressure and blood sugar, and suppress immune response). It is essential to our overall health to learn to reduce stress responses in our body and mind. The following are some ways to do so: Read the rest of this entry

By Jennifer Lehr, MA, MFT

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How do we change the direction of our lives? Despite our histories, why do some people create fulfilling lives for themselves while others do not? As a therapist, and as a person who has made her life about self-transformation and then later, the transformation of others, this is easy to see. But for many people, especially those who do not know much about “therapy,” and the process it entails, this is more of a mystery.

Have you ever said to yourself, “I will do whatever it takes to reach my full potential in this lifetime – no matter what”? This statement to ourselves, to our god, to the universe, is powerful and can open us up to change. There are several main ingredients in change: a desire to improve one’s sense of well-being, and a willingness to do whatever it takes. These qualities could be put together and called emotional courage. Read the rest of this entry

By Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

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If there’s one thing that we all seek - it’s happiness. I’ve never met a person who has told me they didn’t want to be happy, have you? When I do individual therapy, I have the opportunity to sit down with people as they present their concerns to me - whatever they may be. They usually seek therapy because they’re experiencing some level of emotional distress - and are fundamentally unhappy. I’ve noticed that a number of things come up over and over for people as reasons why this is so. There are certain things they either have - or don’t have - and with this information I’ve been able to come to an understanding of a question posed by many:

“What makes people happy?”

What do they have that others don’t? What’s their secret?

The following are my 6 secret qualities of happy people, in no particular order: Read the rest of this entry