Category: Conflict Resolution Therapy
The Good Therapy Blog
May 10th, 2011 |
Conventional wisdom says that having conflict in a partnership is “bad.” Most couples perceive conflict or its lack as a measure of a relationship’s strength or weakness. The truth is that conflict in itself is not bad; in fact it is a necessary part of every relationship.
How could you truly be emotionally intimate with another person, live with them day in and day out, experience all the frustrations of life and not have conflict? If there is no conflict, one partner is not speaking up.
Conflict is not only vital to an authentic and genuine connection; it is the route to discovering... Read More
October 29th, 2010 |
What little words turn out to be provocative, with huge potential for undermining goodwill in a relationship?
The more couples use the words you and not, especially when they add should and shouldn’t, or never or always, the more likely their communication will sound negative, critical, controlling or otherwise off-putting. “You are not paying attention to…” “Why don’t you….?” “You should….” “You shouldn’t have…” “You always ….”
Complaints, criticism, disparagement, blame–they’re all comments about the partner. They start with you.
In addition,... Read More
September 22nd, 2010 |
In what ways does tone of voice matter?
Tone of voice conveys whether you feel positive or negative about something, and how intense that feeling is.
Positivity in tone of voice, actions such as hugs and smiles, and in words, makes communication flow more smoothly and affection grow more amply. Positivity enables partners to feel more relaxed with each other, which also helps them to feel flexible and eager to be responsive to each other’s concerns.
Successful couples convey lots of positivity. They often use phrases like I agree that…, What a good idea!. … I like that you …..... Read More
September 22nd, 2010 |
Indirect communication means hinting or acting out. For instance, if you feel disappointed, “Hmmm” would be hinting. Stewing and pouting would be acting out what you feel instead of saying it.
One difficulty with indirect communications is that the data it gives is insufficient, not enough information for the spouse to be able to fix the problem and prevent it from happening again. With indirect communication, whatever was a problem today is likely to be a problem tomorrow, the next week and still in five years. Read More
August 19th, 2010 |
Cooperative Dialogue Skills--let's unpack those words...
Cooperative means the tone stays positive, often because, like in a game of catch, both parties have skills for tossing and of catching. The smooth sharing of information back and forth is like throwing and catching without dropping any information.
Cooperative also means that partners are interacting as friends. They feel and act like they are on the same team, not playing against each other. Read More
August 4th, 2010 |
Marriage partners are in a sense yoked together. Couples need therefore skills for making decisions cooperatively. If they can choose together when to turn left and when to turn right neither of them will feel powered-over, dominated, controlled, or even compromised. Instead, each shared decision just enhances their loving partnership.
To make shared decisions, couples notice when one of them once one thing and the other another. As soon as they see this kind of difference, they switch from launching a tug of war over their preferred solutions to exploring the concerns that underlie each of... Read More
July 7th, 2010 |
All couples sometimes have different viewpoints. All couples, especially in the early years of marriage, discover areas where his way and her way differ. The challenge of becoming fully successful marriage partners is to be able to talk over each of those differences toward the goal of creating an "our way," a plan of action that truly works well for both partners.
Let's take a simple example. In Mary’s family, birthdays were a big deal so her expectation is that there will be a whole lot of fuss and specialness about her birthday celebration. In Bob’s family, by contrast, people at most... Read More
June 3rd, 2010 |
When people say, "We have a great relationship,” what they're talking about is how they feel when they talk with each other. They mean, “I feel positive toward that person when we interact. I send and I receive positive vibes with them."
A great relationship means good communication also in the sense that when differences arise, the partners can talk through their dilemma cooperatively. Differences don't become barriers—they become opportunities to find win-win understandings and solutions. Read More
May 21st, 2010 |
Life can be lonely when it's a story of just one person. With two, there's a sense of completeness.
So what does a partner in marriage bring? A partner means there's someone to share all aspects of the business of living--someone to help with earning a living, cleaning the house, cooking meals, and raising children. Marriage partnership can bring you a perpetual playmate, a pal to do things with, a sexual partner, and a partner at social events. Creating children especially takes the two of you. During difficult times a partner is there to help when you're ill, and to talk over situations... Read More
April 6th, 2010 |
The Textbook of Family and Couples Therapy (at pp. 421-423) describes the three “most common types of couples therapy”:
(1) individual therapy;
(2) “conjoint couples therapy;” and
(3) “combined couples therapy.”
In the first, a member of a couple is treated by an individual therapist, which, the Textbook notes, is suitable especially for instances in which one spouse refuses to join marital therapy but a “poor choice, however, in the presence of marital disturbance and severe psychopathology...” Individual therapy for a marital problem does not give the therapist adequately... Read More
February 11th, 2010 |
Horror of horrors—you’ve just caught your spouse listing his name on internet sites for meeting sexual partners. What now!! You are furious, and you let him know it in no uncertain terms.
Now fast forward one month later. What used to be a lovely marriage has turned into a nightmare. You are perpetually irritated. Nothing your husband does seems right in your eyes, and you let him now this in no uncertain terms as well. At first your husband looked remorseful about his internet searches. Now he tells you that he only does... Read More
January 13th, 2010 |
Couples entering therapy typically want help with resolving their conflicts. They want their therapist to guide them to safe and satisfying resolution of the topics that have generated tensions between them, and they want to learn how to talk over and solve differences more effectively together in the future.
Therapists therefore need conflict resolution expertise. Expertise on the pathway enables a therapist to guide their clients effectively and efficiently along the three steps of win-win conflict resolution. Couples themselves also need this expertise so that on their own in the future they... Read More
