Click here to contact Zareen and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

I enjoy writing to myself. Sound strange? Initially, I chose not to share this information with anyone else because I thought people would be confused by this statement. However, ‘writing to myself’ is very helpful to work, relationships, and self-evolvement. I hope this technique is as beneficial to you as well.

‘Writing to myself’ is like having a conversation with yourself. It is intimately revealing and increases your present moment awareness. It is just as helpful as meditation, visualization, or yoga in relieving stress, understanding depression or deepening intimacy with your partner.

So, how can you learn to write to yourself?

All you need is fifteen minutes a day, a pen, pencil, or a crayon (whichever works best for you), and an intention to be honest, true, and nonjudgmental to the writing that emerges from within.

Your goals could include:

1. Losing weight
2. Managing stress.
3. Reducing symptoms of depression.
4. Starting a new business.

This method of journal therapy is most beneficial when you are feeling overwhelmed and/or when you are making an important decision.

So, how do you start? Try to prop a window to let in fresh air. Keep a pen and journal close to you. Make sure you feel calm and ready as you start this activity.

The first step in this activity is to realize that although you may hear several different voices in your head (e.g. the critic, the people-pleaser etc.) another voice exists in you that you can call your True self, Your guardian angel, the Higher self, etc.

So, the purpose is to assist you find this inner voice that knows peace and joy. This inner voice guides you in making choices that feel right for you (without fear).

The second step is to write a question on a piece of paper. Try to find a question that concerns you deeply and affects your current mental health.

For example:

Should I stay in this relationship?
What do I really want from this job?
What is my life’s purpose?
What is bothering me?
How can I forgive myself?

Once, you have found the perfect question, sit in silence. Close your eyes. Breathe deeply. Notice the thoughts ebb and flow in your mind. Continue to focus on your breath for five minutes. As you get calmer, notice how your thoughts slow down.

Then, start to write as if you were having a conversation with your True Self. A conversation might ensue as follows.

A. What is bothering me?
B. I don’t know. What do you think is bothering you?
A. I don’t know that’s why I am asking you?
B. Well, sit still for a moment.
A. How is that going to help?
B. Well, try it and see what happens.
A. I am not here to sit still. Solve my problem.
B. Sitting still is the answer.
A. How long do I have to sit still for?
B. A couple of minutes.
A. Okay. I am still. Now what?
B. Well, how do you feel?
A. Not as bothered as before.
B. Great. Do you have another question?

The first time you attempt this activity you may not hear your inner voice. But don’t give up. Keep writing. It takes time and patience to hear your True Self speaking to you. The more you intend on finding that voice, the more easily you will hear it. With practice, you will learn to speak from your True Self and all the other voices (the whiny child, the people-pleaser etc) will take a back seat.

Good luck!

©Copyright 2010 by Aqsa Zareen Farooqui, MS, LPC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Zareen and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Danielle and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

As a young person entering into college life, you are probably having many thoughts about what lies ahead, and feeling excited about this fresh start. Your parents are excited too, and probably nervous that their teenage child is now moving into adulthood. They may have had successful college years, or perhaps, they are seeing a dream they had for their own education realized, as you enter into college. Their feelings and expectations, when combined with your own are a part of a transformation that can be both exciting and terrifying.

Young adulthood is already a time of transition that usually includes establishing new identities and managing new emotions. Going to college presents even more change during this time, and that will require you to have a stronger ability to adapt. Moving into a new environment and meeting new people means leaving everything that’s familiar. The past may have been great, something that’s hard to leave behind; or maybe it was more difficult, you struggled just to get through, and what you’re facing may be a welcome change. Regardless of your experience, what’s happening now is a loss; a loss of your adolescence, of a role in which your family and friends provided a pretty reliable safety net if you needed it.

What often aren’t addressed are the common fears, the nerves and anxieties that often present while trying to figure out a new way to establish yourself in a new environment. It’s important to acknowledge that these struggles and new emotions can occur naturally in this stage of life, and it’s normal for young adults to feel stress at this time. Stressors such as figuring out new living arrangements, redefining your role in your parents home, managing finances, long distance relationships, break-ups, or how to add or drop a class can mean extra demands that you may not have been prepared for. Adapting to changes, learning new coping mechanisms, or revisiting some familiar ones are all important strategies that can help you feel grounded.

The following are a few tips for you to use to help maintain some sense of normalcy and maybe gain a little relief while adjusting to the changes that are natural in this stage of life.

1. Good time management is important! It’s time to start putting it into practice if you haven’t yet. By having an organized schedule, you can stay on track of your priorities and tackle each day in a proactive fashion.

2. Implement a routine of healthy habits. You can’t succeed if you don’t stay healthy! Tight budgets, new parties, a heavy caseload, and late night snacks, can wreak havoc on healthy habits. Preventing illness, and having a healthy routine can help you keep some balance in your new environment.

3. Ask for Help. Sometimes it’s not clear where to go, or maybe it’s embarrassing to ask. Identify the fear and recognize that it may be holding you back from getting good information. Then you can find out who has the answers, or at least where you can go for some direction. Once you ask, you can move through the fear and move forward. Your college is full of resources, such as counselors, mentors and other advocates. Don’t hesitate to ask your parents, teachers, or new friends at school for some assistance. Remember: at some point, everyone needs help with something. None of us can do it alone!

4. A social outlet may bring many great benefits. Getting into campus life will help you learn your way around and build a support system. Being able to have friends to turn to in tough times is important; it’s also great to have them in times of celebration! Having fun with friends stimulates healthy hormones that can help you feel better emotionally and physically; so join a club, play intramural sports, or start another new activity that will inspire new friendships.

5. Remember your safety net. Returning home on weekends or vacations to get “refueled” can give you a short break and allow you to return refreshed. A home environment that makes you feel safe and that’s familiar can be very comforting, and may give you just what you need to make it through the end of a tough semester.

6. Take time to relax and enjoy yourself. Staying present and in the moment can help you appreciate and recognize what is going on around you. Slowing down and being mindful is important for you to stay healthy and create a successful college experience.

The start of your college experience can be complicated, but it’s also an opportunity to get your feet wet as you’re branching out into the adult world. Using healthy coping skills, and building a support system will get you through the tough spots. As you become more familiar with your new life, being able to trust yourself to manage what’s ahead, and find enjoyment in it, will help this transition be a fun and successful one.

©Copyright 2010 by Danielle Organista, LMFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Danielle and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

The old adage that money cannot buy happiness has played an important role in the lives of many, and there are doubtless scores of people who have independently confirmed the idea in their own lives. Money may, however, be able to purchase certain experiences that can elevate mood and create positive feelings –at least, to a greater degree than a material object. In a study recently performed at Columbia University, researchers examined the effects of different purchases on consumers: those which involved the acquisition of a material good, and those which resulted in a pleasant experience such as a massage or a family vacation.

The study found that positive experiences were much more pleasing to participants, especially over the long term. The researchers explained their idea that happiness tends to be strong when consumers buy new things, but that the feeling quickly wears off as considerations about the price or comparisons with the things of others tarnishes the appeal of the original object. On the other hand, experiential purchases offer a subjective pleasure that can be difficult to compare to other items, the researchers note. This discrepancy may help explain why satisfaction with a movie-going experience may be greater than the emotional benefit of purchasing a copy of the film, along with other common experience and object conflicts.

Previous studies conducted on the topic have also found that experiences rather than objects are important for creating positive memories, and further research into the field may help in the development of a greater awareness among consumers about how altering their purchase behavior can potentially have a significant positive benefit for the mind. While not all experiences may produce the perception of happiness, preferring experience over object may produce happier people.

Click here to contact Aylee and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

If we look very closely we can find that much of our life experience is reflected in our body. As the body reacts to external situations we have internal reactions. The degree to which we can allow the “charge” from the external stimulus to be expressed, to “discharge”, determines the degree which the experience stays with us. This article will explore how this works. For starters, try the following exercise:

• Close your eyes and allow yourself to fully relax.

• Now imagine a time early in your life when you experienced an intrusion and let yourself take (and hold) the posture you have in response to this. How do you protect yourself?

• Exaggerate the response, tensing the muscles that have been mobilized and stay for a moment in this reaction.

• Now let yourself keep the tension in the internal muscles, but drop your hands or outward posture.

• Does the stance you are now in feel familiar?

Did the exercise make you more aware of tension that is always there? We can carry with us an internal posture of defense based on situations from our past. How we develop our body early in life is, in some part, a response to our experiences. This is also greatly affected by the developmental stage in which the experience occurs. The age and stage of development dictates many details of perception and formation, for example, how soft and malleable our bones are (which affects our posture), how well we can protect ourselves, what we perceive is happening in the situation based on our sense of helplessness or mastery. Future articles will discuss these important developmental issues. There are also other influences to the formation of the body such as genetics, learned behaviors and societal and cultural influences, but we can use this article to explore the more gross reaction patterns as they relate to our psychological make-up.

In the situation that you “reacted” to in the exercise were you able to move the tension out of the body in response to the intrusion? If you weren’t, and if the situation was re-occurring in your youth so as to solidify the reaction pattern, you may still be reacting to that situation over and over again even though the external environment has changed and you have grown up. One important reason to become aware of the physical reaction is that it may lead to tendencies, physical holding patterns that influence the other levels of our being, our thinking and how we make sense of what is happening, our emotional responses, and our subsequent behaviors. All of this construes an attitude, or our general personality traits.

For example, if, in the exercise, you turned your torso the right and allowed your left arm to protect your face, collapsing your chest, bringing your head downward hiding your face and letting your shoulders roll forward to protect your heart, you will have a very different attitude then someone who doubled both of their fists, drew their breath in and their energy upward and forward. This person might bring their energy outward with their eyes, tensing their jaw creating a fierce look on their face, making themselves bigger and ready to come down hard on the intrusion. Take a minute to try these two different postures and let yourself feel the emotions and attitudes that come with them. They expose two very different belief systems held by the person who experiences them and the way they perceive the world.

Now think about the memory that came up in the original exercise for you. In that memory did you get to express your protective instinct? Did you yell no or fight back in any way? If you did, you had the opportunity to release the tension in the body that was generated. This may have made it easier to relax after the experience and to go on in a flexible way. If you didn’t get to move the energy through, didn’t get to talk to someone about the thing that happened and receive some comfort and assurance, you may still have energy tied to the early experience. Your muscles that you hold against the experience strengthen over time and this forms your body structure so that eventually aspects of the way you look reflect the way you feel inside! Body-psychotherapy can help you to explore and release the holding patterns and allow you to reclaim the energy held in defending yourself. Take some time to write in your journal about the memory that came up and the way that you perceive that has affected your life. Notice the attitude you have about it. Do you see this attitude reflected in other areas of your life?

Future articles will continue this exploration of attitude in the body but for now begin to observe times and areas in your life that this attitude has become your personality. What do you want or need from that place? Is this realistic given that you are now an adult and able to do things for yourself that you couldn’t do when you were younger? Give yourself credit for having gotten through the situation in the best way possible. This can be the beginning of a deep healing and change in your life experience!

©Copyright 2010 by Aylee Welch, LICSW. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Aylee and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Lynne and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Nothing is more basic to human life than eating. The food and drink that fuel our bodies requires our attention every few hours every day, and provides us with experiences of pleasure and rest that most of us share with others. Food choices vary from country to country, and from century to century. While some eat beans and others fish, we all worry about our food. Is it safe? Is there enough? How will it taste? We spend enormous amounts of money, time and energy producing food, transporting food, buying food, making food. Yet fewer and fewer Americans spend equal amounts of time and energy enjoying it.

We want food, but we want it fast. We want it easy to prepare, tasty and attractive, and we don’t want to spend a lot of time cleaning up. We may eat standing up, in front of the television or computer, and even in our cars. And while all of us are well aware of the effect this increasingly rapid and processed food consumption is having on our national levels of heart disease, cancer and obesity, fewer of us are aware of what it’s doing to our family relationships.

For centuries of human life, families have made it a priority of daily living to eat together. At our tables, food is shared, conversations held, relationships cemented. It’s no wonder that in all the major religious traditions, some kind of eating ritual or food offering is a central act. Our holidays are often focused around the foods we prepare and share. Can you imagine celebrating Thanksgiving without a major family meal, or a child’s birthday without cake?

The sharing of food together is such an integral act to family function that when this emotional process gets twisted, eating disorders like anorexia, bulimia and morbid obesity can develop. Each of these difficult mental health disorders is on the rise in our country, and is notoriously difficult to heal. The best current practice of healing eating disorders includes every family member in the treatment process. The whole family has to learn to eat together again.

Many families with growing children have two working parents, whose work lives often extend into the evenings via their business emails, beckoning them from their smart phones or laptops. If those same parents aren’t going to the gym, doing laundry, paying the bills or running errands in the evening, they are often back in their cars taking their children to dance, basketball or Scouts. Dinner may be picked up on the way, or eaten piecemeal by each family member as they come in and out of the house. Even families with one parent home most of the time have difficulty scheduling a time when “dinner is ready.” While dinner might be ready on the stove, is there anyone home to eat it?

As simplistic as it may sound, eating shared, calm, regular meals together as a family is as close to a “magic pill” we may get to hold the scattered American family together. Current research demonstrates that families that eat at least a few meals together at home during the week have children and teens that are more successful at school, are less apt to experiment with early sexual activity, alcohol and other drugs, are less prone to eating disorders and have higher self esteem. Parents have increased sense of connection with each other and their children, and have healthier eating habits.

The only downside is that stressed and busy adults have to make the buying, storing and preparation of food a personal priority. Somebody has to think about and organize the meals. Food is costly, perishable and heavy. Cooking at home can be enormously stressful to an already time pressed and distracted parent, whose own life feels like it is already poured out for the sake of their children, their employer, and their spouse. The regular cook may feel like the only one in the family who isn’t enjoying all the emotional benefits of their hard work.

As important as eating together has been and continues to be, it’s well worth the time and energy it takes to make eating as a family a new priority. Schedules may need to be trimmed down, and rearranged. Expectations will need to be shared about when dinner is eaten and who needs to be there. Work must be shared so that the family chef doesn’t give up from overwork. And new attention may need to be given to the emotional tone of the family dinner, so that laughter is on the menu as much as problem solving. When it comes to helping the family function, the daily question, “what’s for dinner?” may just be one of the most important questions you hear all day.

©Copyright 2010 by Lynne Silva-Breen, MDiv, MA, LMFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Lynne and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Darlene and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

In working with women for decades, I’ve found that self-esteem is the common denominator of many women’s issues. With better self-esteem, women are more able to find balance, handle stress, and claim their autonomy.

Universally, women are considered inferior to men, and although our culture is changing, most women suffer from impaired self-esteem, even successful women. Self-esteem impacts our relationships with others and our relationship with ourselves. It affects self-care, parenting, boundaries, and communication. Self-esteem determines the way we allow others, including our children, to talk to us, and how we value and communicate our needs, thoughts, and feelings. It underpins personal integrity, our ability to pursue goals, and is crucial to effective parenting. A mother may praise her child and try to impart self-esteem, but if hers is low, inevitably, it will be revealed in her behavior, and children learn most by emulation.

Balance is an ongoing struggle for women. As individuals, as caregivers, and as earners and professionals, finding balance between our masculine and feminine sides, between the spiritual and material, between work and family, and between personal needs and those of our employers, children, parents, and partners requires self-esteem and autonomy, not to mention time, which there is always too little of. Rather than acknowledging how much they achieve, women typically are self-critical that they are not accomplishing enough at work, as mothers, homemakers, daughters, or in their personal endeavors. They feel guilty when they don’t meet their own and other’s expectations. The fact is there isn’t enough time and energy to go around, but how we think about it and allocate our resources makes all the difference.

Women are used to stress – caring for children while cooking, cleaning, and talking on the phone. Working moms have added stress and it’s a greater challenge for them to make time for themselves. According to the latest census, 55 percent of mothers (63 percent of college-educated moms) with infants work. Of mothers under the age of 45 without infants, 72 percent are in the workforce. When I returned home to my children after a stressful day practicing law, I’d park my car outside my house to meditate for ten minutes before going inside. This allowed me time to get centered and transition to parenting. Self-esteem enables women to practice self-care and to balance these competing demands, reducing stress and allowing them to be present to loved ones and any task at hand.

Setting boundaries is vital to reducing stress and finding balance. Women are plagued with the dilemma of feeling guilty when they say “no” or resentful when they don’t. They fear loss of the relationship or the person’s esteem. Relationship loss is the biggest stressor for women, as is failure for men. The ability to feel comfortable setting boundaries requires self-esteem. When women value themselves, they are more able to claim their autonomy. Autonomy is a feeling of both separateness and wholeness that permits us to feel separate when in a relationship and complete when on our own. Many women complain that they do great when they’re alone, but as soon as they’re in a relationship or in the presence of their partner, they lose themselves. Some give up their hobbies, friends, career, and creative pursuits. They have trouble transitioning from an intimate weekend to the office, or they can’t articulate opinions about things in front of their partner or an authority figure.

Attachment is paramount for women. One reason autonomy is difficult is that girls don’t have to separate from their mothers to become women. According to Carol Gilligan, femininity is defined by attachment, and feminine gender identity is threatened by separation. On the other hand, since boys must separate from their mothers and identify with their fathers to become men, their gender identity is threatened by intimacy. (In a Different Voice: Psychological Theory and Women’s Development, 1993, pp. 7-8).

Autonomy’s opposite, codependency, is common among women. Lack of autonomy and self-esteem can cause many symptoms, such as stress, addiction, domestic violence and emotional abuse, communication problems, worry and anxiety, depression, guilt, and anger. Untreated over time, women’s health suffers. I’ll be exploring these issues in detail and how they relate to many problems, such as abuse, self-empowerment, life cycle transitions, health, body image, and sexuality. I welcome hearing any questions and concerns that you’d like addressed in the months ahead.

©Copyright 2010 by Darlene Lancer, MFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Darlene and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Nicole and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile.

All supportive techniques, like meditation, yoga, chanting, music, tai chi, or walking in nature, share one common thread: they focus the mind. Training yourself to be present calms the nervous system.

Whether you pay attention to a piece of dark chocolate as it melts in your mouth and releases phyto-chemicals throughout your system, or you attend to your breath in Vipassana meditation, the calm center, so elusive in day-to-day life, expands before you like a vista of awareness.

The inner miracle of these ancient practices is how by cultivating your full attention, you come to know previously hidden aspects of your self, your connection to all that is, the cyclic nature of life, and your innate ability to ride its waves.

Mindfulness can come bidden, as in a formal meditation or yoga practice; or, unbidden, when the awesomeness of a ripe peach floods your senses, or a loved one’s hug ignites primal feelings of connection. Opportunities to more fully experience life are available every day, provided we know how to access them through presence, silence, and attention. Formal practices help train the body-mind to this state of alert openness.

It may seem as if you only need to pay attention, but an open, receptive body enables you to fully experience the beauty inherent in nature, people, music, art, food—anything. Disciplines like tai chi, meditation, or yoga teach integration of the body, mind, and spirit. Each opens up the flow of chi, breath, or prana (the energy body) revitalizing you and making deeper connections possible.

Think back to a time when you were fully present. Maybe it was at the beach, in the mountains, with a loved one, or simply breathing in the fresh scent of the outdoors. If you remember it as salient, it was because your attention was completely devoted to experiencing that moment, and your body-mind was relaxed and open. You probably felt intensely alive, connected, and joyful. Those experiences do not have to be random, unusual, or infrequent. The good news is you can access wonderful states of being through fairly simple techniques. They may take a little time to learn and integrate into your life; but, once you do, you will have peak experiences on a regular basis.

Without a daily practice of yoga, meditation, or tai chi you have to wait for those natural highs to serendipitously occur. Learning how to catalyze them brings greater joy, serenity, stress relief, and perspective. In time, you will feel more in control of yourself and your reactions to the normal vicissitudes of life.

Paradoxically, sitting still in quiet meditation actually encourages a flexible mind. More than that, these practices lead to inner congruence between your true self and your behaviors. Of course, like learning to read, this can be a slow, non-linear process. Allow the inevitable backsliding, procrastination, and ambivalence. Be patient with beginner’s mind. Keep showing up. Even five minutes of daily meditation or yoga is a gift to yourself and your personal evolution. You don’t need to trek to Tibet, spend a fortune for a spa holiday, or devote hours a day. A steady, small practice will gradually become your path to inner peace and self-acceptance.

Here’s a simple exercise to cultivate an open heart:

Sit comfortably on the floor, or stand with feet hip bone distance apart.

Bring your arms out to the sides, parallel to your shoulders.

Stretch and feel the energy moving out through your fingertips.

Gently bring your hands behind your back and interlace your fingers., bringing your shoulders down and drawing your shoulder blades a bit closer together. Don’t force the movement, allow it to evolve organically.

Slowly, breathe into your heart center, the fourth chakra. Visualize a green light or mist infiltrating that whole area.

Take a couple of more breaths like that and relax your arms down.
You may want to shake them out a little bit.

Feel the openness in your chest, the easy flow of breath.

Take that open hearted feeling into the rest of your day, and let it encourage compassion for yourself and others.

Two Free Meditation Podcasts:

www.themeditationpodcast.com – The Sterns use their incredible sonorous voices in combination with binaural beats to guide you into a deep state of relaxation, while entraining the two hemispheres of the brain.

www.meditationoasis.com – Mary Maddox has a treasure trove of guided meditations for everything from intuitive self-healing to flowing with change.

Note: The binaural beats music the Sterns employ actual entrain your brain waves to a greater state of relaxation, lessening anxiety. You can learn more about this by searching for “binaural beats” or “brainwave synchronization” at wikipedia.com.

I find that more than an hour of binaural beats is uncomfortable, but less than an hour feels great.

©Copyright 2010 by Nicole S. Urdang, M.S., NCC, DHM. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Nicole and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Laurel and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Tu B’Shvat, a Jewish celebration of trees, begins the evening of January 29th, marking the time when the tree sap begins to rise in the region of the custom’s origin. During this time of appreciating and respecting life, celebrants eat tree fruit or nuts. If I was a Jewish celebrant, this evening after sunset I might take a pomegranate and savor its sweetness, feel its tang on my tongue, and imagine the dusty region my ancestors came from, how they may have tilled the earth, or walked or prayed or sang together, connecting through taste and spiritual practice to the earth and my people. Although I may now be severed from that place, in this way I would remember and acknowledge my ongoing rootedness and connection to it. Why might a practice like this be important for our health and mental well-being? While nearly every religion has been used to excuse a lot of harm and mayhem, religion also seems to hold much value for containing restorative practices that may actually nurture a sense of meaning and act in beneficial ways in our lives. The spiritual aspects of a religion hold true, even if some manipulate it for their own less than benign purposes.

Spirituality is much on my mind recently, as I try to make sense out of the destruction just existing seems to cause. By my being here, I create death for other creatures, plants, and trees as I consume that which is necessary for my life, sit in a wooden chair, use a piece of paper, or drive my car to work. I wonder how to make sense out of this–how to give meaning to the disparate ways in which I impact the earth and consume resources. How do I remain open and connected to the earth, even as my life necessitates destruction? The obvious ways of mitigation (planting trees, recycling, restorative work, consuming less) are helpful, but I also need some way to find meaning in the process of life and death.

Our culture has developed many ways to deny the subject of death–and many of us deny the death caused in our daily lives for houses we live in, products we use, and cars we drive. It is this hiding and avoiding and distracting ourselves from death that may lay at the root of many of our problems. We hide in our insulated cars and buildings, we hide in our media and entertainment, and we shut ourselves off from the reality of nature rising and falling all around us at every moment. I believe spirituality is one way we can face death and find meaning in it, and learn to respond to the earth more effectively, with more wisdom and grace than, let’s be truthful, we have thus far. By facing death, we appreciate life more, and find ourselves living more respectfully.

In my own spiritual practice, death is a subject of ongoing reflection. At the root of this reflection is the knowledge that if nothing dies, nothing can then live. Death is the reason life is not static, that it is the dynamic, ever-changing and groundless place we are negotiating our way through. One of the precepts I’ve studied and attempt to follow is not to kill, but rather to nurture all of life. And yet, my life requires the sacrifice of plants and other creatures so that I may continue.

I’ve come to see how both death and life are much larger and more complicated issues than they at first appear to be. I swallow life, I swallow the fruit of a tree, and now those seeds will not germinate in the ground. My life is then allowed to continue because of its nourishment. In this way, I nurture my life which is, in fact, connected to all of life. Perhaps I take another fruit of this tree and plant it. I then nurture the tree’s life and continuance. I create life. I do not deny that I have caused death, but I realize it is also my own death that I am causing. And I acknowledge that one day this body will also die, and perhaps nurture some other life, or allow some other form to continue. Life and death is, in this way, one continuous event, not something separate and distinct. Watching and being in the natural world in an uninsulated way brings this truth home to me and helps create meaning.

If Nature therapy is about helping us feel more connected (and I believe it is), then it is at base a spiritual practice, whether we label it as such or not. Adding an existing spiritual practice to Ecotherapy can enhance and enliven it by connecting to practices that have long traditions and deep connecting roots to place and rhythms so necessary to life. The repetitions found in nature are echoed in many spiritual practices, and can be experientially included in nature therapy practices, even if they are not labeled as such.

In Zen practice, we stand together, we sit together, we walk together and create through very specific practices an enhanced sense of awareness of ourselves in relation to each other. This awareness continues to expand when I am out in nature–I carry this practice of attending to and relating to all aspects of my life, and notice how this attention brings meaning and depth to my life in ways I never dreamed. Developing intimacy in spiritual practice with my mind, my body, and my surroundings, I find myself feeling more naturally related to streams and birds and forests. I notice more about how things change, and see more of what is being damaged. This enhanced sensitivity helps me respond to the crisis the earth is undergoing with greater feeling and insight. It also helps me understand those I’d rather blame and distance. I’m not separate from “them.” In this way, Ecotherapy, laced with spiritual insight, may be used as a guide for compassion, caring, efficacy, and the creation of meaning.

©Copyright 2010 by Laurel Vogel, M.A. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Laurel and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Pam and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Last year, 2009 was difficult. National Public Radio asked listeners to suggest one word to describe last year. Their most popular word was: “ugh.” I agree. But I like the sound of twenty ten; it has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? Instead of making resolutions or setting goals, I decided I wanted to start out with a good attitude. I want to know my own strengths better, and to build on the positive relationships in my life.

My husband and I have had a shared meditation practice since 2007 which involves a 30 minute sitting meditation daily with 60 minutes on Sunday. I practice Mindfulness Meditation and he does Christian Contemplation. This article is about a mindfulness meditation that I used to enhance my attitude about myself and my marital relationship. If you are new to Mindfulness Meditation, you can watch Jon Kabat-Zinn explain more about it on YouTube. To understand Christian Contemplation, read Richard Foster’s book, Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth.

The Meditation: After you have settled into your usual pattern of breathing and being in the present, meditate on the strengths or positive characteristics that you received from your parents or other loving caregivers. I received love and kindness from both my parents. From my father, I inherited thoughtfulness and integrity while my mother passed on gentleness and nurturing.

Next, pick one of these traits as a focal point. Here I want to focus on just one of these traits, to feel that quality as my own. I selected kindness. I focused on this word and noticed what I felt in my body. My heart felt warmer and I observed less tension in my chest and shoulders. Of course, as is normal, I was plagued by examples of when I was not kind. In the tradition of mindfulness meditation, I noticed the intrusive thoughts and let them move past my awareness so I could return to reflecting on kindness emanating from my heart. Then I pictured my spouse while maintaining a focus on that positive characteristic that I received from my parents, kindness.

At this point, I invite you to ask yourself the following questions. If this characteristic were to be present in your relationships towards your spouse, what would it look like? What would you be doing? How would you treat your spouse? How would it feel?

Settle on one behavior or action. Picture yourself doing this action for your partner. See the details. Notice how it feels to give this part of yourself to your partner. In my case, I see myself listening attentively to his views when we have a disagreement. I’m usually quick to come to a decision and have little patience for further discussion. He likes to talk things out more thoroughly. It is not uncommon that I become irritated with his process. I am sure I don’t look like or act like a kind-hearted person at those times. My resolve is to practice “wearing” kind heartedness on my sleeve more often. I’m sure I will be the happy recipient of his kindness in return. If this is your partner, you are bound to receive many similar actions from them. Maybe not immediately, but over the years, you’ll reap many rewards.

©Copyright 2010 by Pamela Lipe, MS, LP. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Pam and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

At the beginning of each year, many people find themselves reflecting on the year that has passed and picking out specific things about themselves and their lives that they may wish to change. Whether it’s the sense of fresh opportunities or simply the social acceptance of making New Year’s resolutions, the practice is one that scores of people adopt, though a significant number of even the most seemingly dedicated hopefuls end up falling short of attaining their goals. In many cases, resolutions revolve around improving one’s appearance or professional life; the goal may focus on mending finances or quitting an unwanted habit.

Recently, however, a psychotherapist in Arizona has discussed the issues that lead most people to lose touch with their resolutions; a disconnection from the principal areas of inner self-improvement, she suggests, is often responsible for disappointment.

Working towards a greater understanding of and compassion for the self may not often make it to lists of resolutions, yet these goals may be among the most important not only for realizing greater happiness, but for providing a powerful foundation for the achievement of extrinsic goals, the psychotherapist notes. Setting realistic goals is also noted as being of primary importance. All too often, people may expect extraordinary results, which, when combined with a casual attitude towards considering such results in-depth, can create ample discouragement.

Overcoming natural setbacks and knowing how to ask for help, along with understanding the acceptability of reaching out to others, notes the psychotherapist, can greatly increase chances of sticking to resolutions and enjoying positive benefits throughout the year. When people begin with themselves in terms of who they are rather than what they do, she suggests, life-changing resolutions are possible.

Click here to contact Ondina and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

What is Mindful Eating?

Mindful eating is about paying attention to what you eat. Actually focusing on the flavors, textures and subtleties of what you are putting in your body. It is not about eating while you are thinking of your bills, the kids, how many calories, watching TV etc. For most of us this is a tall order. There are so many distractions and people, places, things pulling on us, who has time to really pay attention to what they are eating? What is even the point?

The point is pleasure. When we are really present with what we choose to put in our body we experience the subtleties of what we taste. We experience the food more intensely. We allow it to nurture us more deeply. We are not thinking about our next meal because we are too busy enjoying this meal. We are not reaching for the next piece because we never really tasted the first piece. In this way we end up enjoying more quality and needing less quantity.

For the eating disordered population or those with food, weight and body image issues mindful eating is key. If you allow yourself to enjoy what you eat and practice being present, you will need less to feel satisfied. If on the other hand you are so consumed with guilt while you eat that piece of chocolate and thinking of all the ways you are going to have to make up for this misdemeanour, you are barely going to taste that first piece of chocolate and need another and another.

Next time you want chocolate or that “forbidden food”*, try this exercise. You might find you enjoy more and eat less as a result…

Mindful Eating Practice with Chocolate:

Next time that chocolate craving hits, close your eyes and ask yourself with focus;
What kind of chocolate do I want exactly?
Is it dark, milk or white chocolate?
Is it crunchy or smooth? Gooey or hard?
If it’s crunch you want, ask yourself: What kind of crunch exactly?
Is it a nutty crunch, candy crunch or a rice crispy kind of crunch?
What kind of gooey? Is it a caramel gooey or a fruit gooey?
And so on…. See if you can define exactly what you want. Be specific!

When you have defined exactly what it is you desire, you are ready for the best bit!
Find a space without distractions. Unwrap the chocolate slowly, enjoying the crinkle of the paper and the smell of sweet cacao being released. Look at the chocolate, smell it, lick it. Notice the texture and sensation of biting into it. Let the chocolate melt on your tongue, dissolving in deliciousness. Enjoy the feeling of this chocolate luxury, decadence and pleasure and let it sink deeply into your being.

After a while the feeling of pleasure starts to become less intense. This is your signal that you are nearing the end of this delicious excursion into chocolate. If you are practicing ‘intuitive eating’* you know you can put the chocolate away with the sure knowledge that when you want some more you will let yourself have more and fully enjoy it.

This mindfulness practice can apply to ALL your eating not just chocolate.

- – - – - – - – - – -

In the book ‘Intuitive Eating; A Revolutionary Program that works’ Trobole and Resch encourage making all activities pertaining to food pleasurable ones: “When you eat what you really want in an environment that is inviting, the pleasure you will derive will be a powerful force in keeping you satisfied and content… You will find it takes less food to decide you have had enough.”

“I won’t be able to stop eating!”

All of this might seem really scary for those of us who have been steeped in the diet ruled mentality that advocates controlling our body’s appetites and desires at all costs. We have a $40 billion dieting industry in this country that advocates this way of thinking. It can seem unfamiliar and scary to consider listening to our body and having our body be our friend instead of our battleground. I hear clients voice fears around the concept of intuitive eating all the time: “I won’t be able to stop eating!” Or “ I don’t know how to listen to my body’s appetites.” Be patient with yourself and get some guidance. If you are getting your nutritional needs met you won’t go crazy on the chocolate. If you practice listening to your body it becomes easier and more fluid. It also helps to have some guidance/therapy, especially in the beginning.

Here’s to a Pleasure-Filled Holiday and 2010!

* “forbidden foods” – Intuitive eating principles propose steering clear of rigidity around food. Labeling food as either “good” or “bad” causes food obsessions and contributes to eating disordered thinking.

* “intuitive eating” encourages a ‘bottoms up approach’ of listening to your body versus the ‘top down approach’ of using your mind to rule your body

©Copyright 2009 by Ondina Nandine Hatvany, MFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Ondina and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Lynn and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” – Albert Schweitzer

Everybody says, “Happy Holidays!” But are you happy enough? Could you be happier, and… how can you get that way?

Research psychologists Emmons and McCullough, and Buddhist Thich Nhat Hanh believe grateful feelings can bring happiness.

Although feeling grateful may lead to happiness, for most people gratitude has to be learned. Melanie Klein, an early Object Relations theorist, wrote a book called Envy and Gratitude, explaining that in the normal course of development people learn to feel grateful- but they don’t start out that way. In fact, babies can envy all the goodies that their strong and powerful parents have.

It may take a lifetime, but as we grow we learn to feel thankful for what our parents and others have shared with us. This is true even if those parents weren’t particularly generous, kind or good. The wise can value half a loaf of bread, rather than wishing for or resenting not having a whole one. Part of growing up is learning to appreciate what we do have—the good things around us, the simple stuff, like the air we breathe or the sparkling red leaves of maple trees in autumn. Gifts surround us. Can we accept them?

Thich Nhat Hanh writes, “When we live in the spirit of gratitude, there will be much happiness in our life. The one who is grateful is the one who has much happiness while the one who is ungrateful will not be able to have happiness.” (Hanh, p. 60.)

Sometimes gratitude hurts; it can be easier to give than to receive. Accepting a gift might make us feel guilty- it’s too much; or deprived- it’s not enough, as in “I never get what I want.” If we often feel deprived, accepting a gift can makes us feel needy and greedy. Maybe we feel that we never got enough when we were little, and what we get now is too little, too late.

I might think, “No one can make up for what I didn’t get. I never got what I rightfully deserved!” That may be true, but staying resentful, painfully empty, closes the world; when the world is shut I can’t give with an open hand or receive with an open heart.

Problems and resentments roll out while our brains are on auto play. Stop! Consciously count, remember the world’s blessings. Practice.

Robert Emmos, professor of psychology at UC Davis, has done research on gratitude for over ten years; he finds that writing in gratitude journals can increase happiness levels by 25%. My personal practice is to find three things to feel grateful about before going to sleep; when I wake up I smile, stretch, and listen to the birds sing.

So, wake up and feel grateful. Breathe the bountiful air. Feel the clean sheets and warm blankets on your bed. Smile at yourself when you look in the mirror. Smile at your loved ones and at the ones you don’t love too; maybe they feel unlovable, and are in special need of your smiles.

Generosity means you can receive as well as give. You can appreciate your gifts–and you can share your spark with others. That’s what object relations is about–sharing that flame.

Grateful feelings are celebrated in the winter festivals of Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Christmas. These December festivals all involve giving and getting gifts; can we feel generous and grateful, giving and receiving with open hands?

The spark ignites when we know we’re happy enough. Gratitude brings rainbows.

Pass it on.

Bibliography

Emmons, R. A. & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84, 377-389.

Klein, Melanie. (1975). Envy and Gratitude. NY: Simon and Shuster.

Thich Nhat Hanh(2007). Two Treasures: Buddhist Teachings on Awakening & True Happiness. Berkley, California: Parallax Press.

©Copyright 2009 by Lynn Somerstein, PhD, RYT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Lynn and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Jennifer and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

“The elders have sent me to you today to tell you that NOW is like a great rushing river. And this great rushing river will be experienced in many ways. There are many who try to hold on to the shore; there is no shore. The shore is crumbling. The instructions are: Push off into the middle of the river; keep your head above water; see who else is in the river with you; and celebrate”. — Choquosh, Native American storyteller

Recently I have been thinking about how much change we are all going through – the tightening of finances for many people, finding ourselves in positions we have never imagined – moving back in with our families, unable to find work, careers becoming obsolete. The world appears to be moving faster and faster, and becoming more and more stressful. Unforeseen events and unfinished business are challenging us. Relationships are falling apart, stresses we don’t know how to handle are occurring. Many of us seem to be in the midst of a massive transformation, and we are being forced to search for internal resources, as the external appears to continue to unravel.

Some of us have spent our lives developing our competencies. We learned how to make things happen. We learned how to push and we found our value in this, for it kept us safe. But now pushing is not helping us, it is creating more stress. Not accepting where we find ourselves, we try to push ourselves even harder to a “better” place. The problem is that as we PUSH, we are pushing today’s stress into the future. Instead, as we stand in chaos, uncertainty, fear and discomfort, can we find a way to be in a better place internally, to find a center we do not know?

A phrase that comes up occasionally in my yoga class is “surrender into support.” In these stressful times, how can we cooperate with our fate and “surrender into support”? What do we have to learn to move out of a life of struggle and into a life of ease and grace?

One thing that helps me is becoming aware of my “energy.” I notice when I am feeling happy or carefree. I notice when I am feeling stressed. Why am I happy some moments and not others? What is occurring, what am I telling myself? When I feel happy I feel trusting and safe. I am not worrying about the future, but usually am immersed in the present. When I am stressed I often am giving myself negative messages such as, “I have to hurry”, “I have too much to do”, “this will never work out”, or “I’m not safe.” Notice how you feel as you read these phrases. You’re probably tensing up. Sometimes as we become aware of our own messages, we can shift them. We can decide to be different. Other times they are attached to deeper wounds that require unraveling. Do you know what you get stuck in, what makes you feel insecure or triggers internal messages that harm you?

If you are working on a relationship or in a dilemma, ask yourself these questions. For example:

What is triggering me? – I lost my job, or she is mad at me.
What happens in my body? – I tense up, or I check out.
What does my mind say? – I have to make this happen, or it’s all my fault.
How do I respond? – I worry, or I start explaining and defending myself.

Take a minute and think about one of your struggles. Dissect it with the above questions. Identify the underlying fears. When we are afraid; we get stressed; we lose perspective.

To surrender into support, step back and see the bigger picture. When we step back, we are not so caught in the moment and we have more perspective. Our lives involve traveling through different chapters and conditions. We are bigger than the current landscape of our lives. Perhaps as our lives are being dismantled to the foundation, we can rebuild ourselves differently. We can let go of the shore of the river, and find a way to celebrate.

©Copyright 2009 by Jennifer Lehr, MA, MFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Jennifer and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Peggy and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

What’s your “Holiday Story”? For some, it may be about connecting with friends and family, eating hearty meals and treats, singing songs, or getting in touch with one’s spirituality. For others, it may be laced with groans and moans, trepidation, loneliness, frustration, angst, and bouts of depression and anxiety. Often both “stories” can somehow co-exist.

I used to spend quite a bit of time worrying about the holiday season and what it would hold. With increased obligations, people really are in demand this time of year! With so much more on our plate (literally and figuratively) it’s easy to feel overloaded and disconnected from what the holiday season is supposed to mean. Combine that with mandatory or obligatory time spent with relatives or coworkers that may not normally spend time together, and it can be a recipe for STRESS. All of a sudden our holiday stories are about shopping, traveling, running from place to place, and making small talk. They are frenzied and lack depth and feeling. I call this type of story a “thin story” (lacking depth). When life gets taken over with thin stories, we can start to retreat inside ourselves, which only feels worse. It can become a very vicious cycle.

You can re-write or even pre-write your holiday story as an antidote to a woefully thin holiday story that tries so hard to keep you on edge. The story you create needs DEPTH so that it has better staying power than the old story. The way to create depth is to get in touch with what you give value to in life. Here’s a step by step example of pre-writing (or re-writing, if it has already gotten rough) a holiday story:

On a sheet of paper, write down the following…

Step One: Describe the thin story. Ex: Rushing around, complaining about not having time, dreading family get-togethers.

Step Two: Identify what living out the thin story does to you. Ex: It makes me not want to do anything. I don’t enjoy any of the holiday season, and if I go to my family with a bad attitude I know that it will surely turn out badly.

Step Three: Answer the question, “Why does this bother me?”
Ex: It bothers me because I really want to connect with people and the spirit of the holidays. I remember how wonderful the holidays felt when I was a child and I want to have my own children feel that too. I eat too much and then I feel bad about myself and my body.

Step Four: Looking at your answers to step three, write down three words or phrases that describe what really matters to you. Ex: Connection with others, Being a good mother, Taking care of myself and my body.

NOW, in four steps you have created the beginning of a holiday story that at its core contains what matters most to you. Hold onto it in all that you do this season. If the thin story starts to take over, give yourself three seconds to remember the three phrases you came up with in step four. Wear these phrases like armor – they are there to protect you from anything that wants to take you farther away from who you are and what matters most to you. Even if you can’t do everything in the holiday season that you might want, remember that you can still be you and stay true to what you hold most dear. And THAT feels good, even amidst the chaos of the season!

©Copyright 2009 by Peggy Gold, MS, NCC, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Peggy and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

There have been many studies and proposed programs suggesting that the incorporation of exercise into one’s regular routing can go a long way towards both warding off depression and treating it in those already exhibiting symptoms. The positive effects of exercise on mental health are well-documented, but the precise ways in which physical activity can aid in the fight against depression may not always be exactly clear. It is for this reason that a study conducted at the University of Nottingham in the UK has been especially well-received. The study worked with a selection of women indicated for feelings of depression, and chose a certain number to participate in regular exercise treatment routines, while the study group was introduced to a supportive regimen of counseling and exercise.

The study was in part established based on the notion that standard gym exercise routines often fail to produce positive results for those with depression because of the relative isolation of the activity. To counteract this isolation, the study group was given extensive motivational counseling sessions before each period of physical activity, and participants took part in low-impact exercise on treadmills in communicative, supportive groups. Emotional support was on-hand throughout the exercising segments to allow for extra encouragement and help as needed.

Reporting on the experience after taking part in the counseling and exercise routines, participants noted that the personal attention and encouragement to return and continue the treatment played an important role in their success –and those participants who worked with counseling and group exercise were successful indeed, enjoying significant improvements in mood, physical health, and overall well-being. The study may help make depression-related exercise plans better tailored for those seeking new and effective treatments.

Taking a leisurely stroll at sunset or starting off the day with a brisk walk has often been hailed as a healthy and invigorating way to incorporate exercise into a healthy lifestyle. Increasingly, the benefits of walking and other forms of exercise are being recognized as useful components of the healing process in clients with feelings of depression. Suggesting that the adoption of an exercise regimen –even if it simply consist of enjoying some therapy sessions while taking a quick jaunt out of doors- can have a significant impact on recovery, especially in clients experiencing emotionally-related lethargy and other undesirable symptoms. The growing acknowledgment of these benefits may lead more mental health professionals to take their work on an amble.

Click here to contact Debbie and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

“In the depth of winter, I finally realized that deep within me there lay an invincible summer.” A. Camus

Let’s face it, life throws us curves sometimes. We all experience the ups and downs that lead some of us to seek the help of a therapist or counselor: relationship issues, money problems, job struggles, grief and loss. Add any of those stressors to our current economy and it becomes even more challenging to stay positive and thankful! And yet, an optimistic focus is an essential quality for mental health and happiness. What do we do?

The Practice of Optimism

The alarming thing about tough times is that negativity feeds on itself. As we “talk fear” to others, we contribute to THEIR anxiety. They then spread that talk to more people, keeping us all in a state of uneasiness. Negativity is truly contagious, a “mental virus” spread by thoughtless conversation, news stories, and emails. Before you know it, a whole nation is panicking, which helps cause the very hard times we fear.

What we Focus On, Grows…

An ‘attitude of gratitude’ simply means that we make a conscious choice to put our attention on what we like about our lives. One easy exercise is to list the three best things that happened to us today, and then note why they happened. The “why” is usually because we chose to make an effort to improve our lives, whether it’s the good feelings we get from working out, or the pleasure of calling a friend. This helps us see that we are not victims and we are not powerless. There is always one small thing we can do to improve our present circumstance and ease our anxiety. Some ideas:

• Lay the problem down. Take a break from trying to solve the situation. Put aside the divorce papers and take a walk. Leave the resume writing behind and watch a funny movie. Let your mind rest.

• Limit the time spent dwelling on and talking about the problem. Just as not talking about it at all makes it worse by suppressing it into the body, so talking about your problem obsessively can keep you panicked. Your discussions should be brief and you should only confide in a positive, non-advising friend, family member, and your counselor.

• Give yourself healthy treats. A nap, a novel, or signing up for a class can be a little lift to help you get through a hard time.

• Examine the problem on paper. Write down how you feel for a few minutes to release the problem. Things look different on paper than in your head!

• Let yourself grieve. Grief is a natural and necessary process when facing a loss, whether you have lost a job, a person, a lifestyle, or a marriage. Crying is important for release of cortisol, a damaging hormone that builds in the body during stress.

• Avoid negative people. There will always be those who are determined to “spread the virus” of negativity. Some people get a sense of importance from repeating bad news and the media depends on bad news for ratings! Be wise about who gets your attention.

There is always something hopeful to say, something to be grateful for. Fix your attention on what you appreciate, and more good things will come along!

©Copyright 2009 by Debbie Devine, MS, LPC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Debbie and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Sarah and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

I am writing this article as the plane I’m on rises to join a sky that clamors to support and embrace it. And as I struggle to wrestle my unruly, petulant judgments about air travel, I find myself reflecting on the actual journey that I have taken. Not a vacation, but my return to from where I lived most of my years as a young adult. I had returned to Virginia to help my mother, and all of her memories packed in unassuming boxes, as they travel to their new home in Arizona.

The process of moving my mother, and our history in Virginia also comes on the heels of a dear friend’s request to write a letter for his parents as part of a scrapbook in celebration of their anniversary. And as both of these experiences ask for my reflection upon “the past,” I find that they also make me consider the idea of “attachment” and “impermanence.” Maybe you can relate.

The classic saying about change is that change is the only thing that is truly predictable; nevertheless, and as my trip to Virginia serves to remind me, no matter what one is attached to, it is not “permanent.” Thought it may be uncomfortable, and illicit strong reactions as you consider it, impermanence is what is permanent. Everything, and anything in life, is temporary, even this very moment. For while we may seek to get attached to things, people, events, substances, emotions, money, objects, beliefs, perceptions of others, even memories of the past, and ourselves, it is predictable that things do end. We just do all that we can to avoid it.

The Attachment

You see, it is our attachment to having that experience, that relationship, that purchase “we just can’t live without” that causes pain, because we are constantly seeking something. Then, as if in a karmic house of cards tumbling down, someone or something else becomes that next thing we want. It is never-ending, for the something just changes form, all to maintain the idea that we are not enough, in and of ourselves, without it, whatever it is.

But we can live without it, for our relationship with what we seek will have to change for us to reduce our pain. It is, ironically, when we release the want for something that we remember how to live, and enjoy knowing that we already have enough. By not hoarding and accumulating that which, truly, does not serve our highest good and that which is our true nature, we obtain freedom.

Furthermore, even our attachment to things “staying as they are” causes us great pain, for it is in the attachment, the desire, the focus on that which we seek to possess, that creates the struggle. Our true self is not found in that item, relationship, next experience, substance, nor were they found in the boxes of memories at my mother’s house.

Memories

As I went through the boxes, I noticed a subtle but overt reaction in me, some kind of yearning, a pang of something that sought my attention, that wanted me to explore and dive into it, feet first and without reservation. And what I found was somewhat disquieting. For it wasn’t the memories themselves tugging at my heartstrings, like a mad puppeteer, it was my attachment to their meaning.

As I allowed myself to dive into the experience, I became conscious of my attachment to the idea of how many of those relationships reflected in those boxes of memories, used to be. Of course, also forgetting the impermanence of the relationships and the transitory nature of every one we have. And, by attaching to the images of those relationships, back then, I missed the value of accepting those relationships, in the now. My true self wanted me to look at those relationships today. See them in the purest form, and be accepting of their appearance in the present.

From those boxes of childhood photographs and memorabilia I also could revisit the relationships and their reminder that now, is not then. In my life, for example, the dear friend whose relationship was that of the brother I never had, I can learn to let go of how it “used to be,” and meet his struggle with addiction and anxiety with compassion. For it is in any attachment to “back then” that we can be seduced to ignore the present. Instead, I have to consciously witness his behavior from the now, as opposed to denying it, just to maintain an attachment to the idea of who he “used to be.”

Not only did my true self ask me to drop my attachment to solely seeing many of my relationships as they used be, I was also reminded to cherish their evolution. For example, even staying in contact with a first love, cherishing his friendship, but from a place of acknowledging the man he has become, and his life now, rather than identifying solely with memories of “back then.”

For it is in the avoidance of impermanence that we reaffirm an attachment to the past. Instead, we must see the cast of characters in our memories, and ourselves, as they are now, not just as they were. Reminding us that impermanence is the only permanent thing.

©Copyright 2009 by Sarah Jenkins, MC, LPC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry.
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Meditation is a practice that has seen a significant boom in the West in recent decades. Appealing to the modern mind, body, and spirit, so often caught up in the fast pace and frequently stressful environment of everyday urban life, meditation offers a way to achieve calm, focus, and a decidedly lighter mood. But as one recent study has suggested, meditation –or at least, specific kinds of meditation– may be highly advantageous in improving visuospatial memory, as well. As more and more people become aware and concerned about the implications of memory loss and lack of focus, such a study offers a practical and potentially very powerful method for taking control, not to mention its possibilities within the realm of therapy.

The study, which was carried out by researchers affiliated with George Mason University, focused on two distinct kinds of meditation in an effort to isolate the specific mental process involved in boosting visuospatial memory. These consisted of Deity Yoga, in which the subjects visualized a specific deity in their classical representation, and Open Presence, a type of meditation which focuses on a generalized nothingness, rather than incorporating mental images or ideas. Adding subjects both disciplined in these two techniques as well as those who had never practiced before, the researchers set to work supplying subjects with a battery of tests.

The tests involved mentally rotating a 3D object as well as recalling visual images from a set of similar variations. Subjects were then directed to perform either Deity Yoga or Open Presence meditation, while some were allowed to simply rest. When the subjects were given the tests a second time, those who had practiced Deity Yoga showed a significant superiority in results compared to Open Presence and non-meditative subjects. As meditation becomes an increasingly popular technique employed by therapists, such studies may open doors to additional benefits for clients and professionals alike.

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Remember that famous quote from Varuca Salt in “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”. That reminded me of how we all feel sometimes when we don’t get what we want and are thrown into reality once again that things don’t always come how or when we want it. There is a force at work greater than ourselves and what we may hope for may present itself or not, but if it does, it is not exactly always in the form we want it to appear and usually when we least likely expect it.

This month’s challenges for me got me thinking about Varuca Salt. It also reminded me of my father’s famous quote, although I don’t know if he made it up or not….”Sherry,” he would say, when I would be disappointed about not getting something I desperately wanted, “Expect for the worst, hope for the best, and you will end up somewhere in the middle.” Now, that seems reasonable, doesn’t it or does it? It certainly doesn’t go along with the whole law of attraction principal that whatever we think, we will attract. What kind of law is that anyway? That isn’t a law,that is just wishful thinking. Nothing wrong with making wishes, but there isn’t a law that is going to make your wishes come true.

So the question I have been struggling with and maybe you have to is, “when do we let something go, but at the same time not give up on our dreams?” I am not really sure, but what I do know, and what I do believe is whenever we get attached to the outcome, and it doesn’t work out to our satisfaction, we are surely going to be disappointed. We will surely run up against walls along the way if we expect things to go the way we want them to go all the time. The creator of Willy Wonka only knew this so well.

My inner “Varuca Salt” was up against some disappointments this month. My husband had his second surgery in four months, my daughter cancelled her wedding (although I am very proud she had the courage to do this), and my media career had some definite ups and downs. As I waited anxiously to appear on television week after week after filming last summer, I only appeared once and not for very long as my friends and family will attest. (Especially my mother who told every friend she has ever known about it.) Was I embarrassed? Well, a little. The big publishing deal that was in the works didn’t happen either.

In most areas of my life, I am learning the age old wisdom that we must accept what is and let go of the rest. That doesn’t mean we give up, it just means we hold on to our dreams, take the necessary action steps, but just know that it may not turn out the way we thought. Something will show up, but no matter how bad we want it to turn out a certain way, our higher power has a mind of its own. At least, that is the lesson that I continually have to be reminded of. So the best advice I can give is maybe my father’s. The book inside of me just might have to change titles and the media career may go in an entirely different direction, but ending up somewhere in the middle of all it all, might be the greatest gift I have ever been given.

©Copyright 2009 by Sherry Gaba, LCSW. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Sherry and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile