Pragmatic/Experiential Couples Therapy: Moving Past Blame and Contempt
This case description is the first in a two-part series on Pragmatic/Experiential Therapy for couples.
“Things changed almost immediately once Johnny came along,” Fred explained. “Nothing I did was good enough. According to her, I was selfish and thought only about myself. At first I thought that maybe she was right, so I really tried to devote more attention to her. I called her during the day to say, ‘Hi,’ and I got babysitters so we could have dates, but it wasn’t enough. After awhile it became clear to me that I would never ‘meet the mark’ with her.” Mary painted a different... Read More
“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven . . . a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.”
--Ecclesiastes 3:1,4
The past year has been my season of grieving. Needless to say, it’s been a long, hard year, but also, in a way that seems impossible to pinpoint, a transformative year, a year of blessings.
Much of 2011 blurs in my mind. It started with my father’s recurrence of lung cancer, then his mercifully brief, anguished last few weeks. It was the first parent I lost, and one I loved intensely. The pain of watching... 
All too often, women and some men (in my experience, mostly women) experience the fatigue of “having it all.” More and more women, by choice or necessity, work a full-time job in addition to family and home responsibilities, leaving little, if any, time for them. Likewise, many of us in the helping professions struggle or have struggled with the balance of giving so much emotionally to not only clients, but also family and friends, and find ourselves depleted. In both cases, it is very easy to face burnout.
When discussing work, we often hear the term job burnout, but how often have you... 
Toxic friends come in many forms—they can take much more than they add to the friendship; they can be a chronic complainer; they can tear you down—but the bottom line is that when you walk away from time spent with a toxic friend, you probably feel worse for the wear. If you think you might have a toxic friend in your life, take a moment to reflect on how you usually feel after being with this friend; if what you come up with includes words like drained, tired, unmotivated, worthless, or even downright depressed, you quite likely have a toxic friend. While it might be easy to identify the toxic... 
Quick, would you prefer 100 million dollars right now or a penny that that doubles every day for a year? Next question, would you like to be cured of your depression, relationship problems, eating disorder, or addiction immediately or would you like to work on it?
On first glance, the answer to both questions seems obvious. I'll take the $100 million and I want to be cured of my mental illness, marital discord, and alcohol abuse, thank you.
Now do the math. If you take a penny and double it every day you'll have 5 million dollars in the first month. You'll have a billion dollars before the... 
Families need to be together. After all, the family as a group exists to provide support, nurturance, food, shelter, resources, and a stable future to each member. While most families have their ups and downs, even stressed, impoverished, chaotic families want to live with one another. When is it in the family’s best interest for members to separate from one another? Can leaving the family home for a short while ever bring healing to the relationships in the long run?
Family separations occur in American culture in formal and informal ways. Formally, families can legally be ordered to separate... 
Not long ago, a friend of mine suggested that the greatest fear humans experience is the fear of death. I disagreed, saying that I believed their greatest fear is fear of loss. Death is something that is very abstract to most people, in my opinion, unless they have recently tended to a dying loved one or been otherwise exposed to the actual end of life. However, most people, in my experience, live in fear of loss, to a greater or lesser degree.
Loss can take many forms. It can mean loss of youth (or even middle age for those of us who are now elders). That translates into less energy, more facial... 
Traumatic experiences along with the mending process can expose the shrapnel from what feels like perpetually open wounds. Time lost to history and recovery, missed opportunities, broken relationships, and a delay in building life’s foundation are side effects of these experiences.
Therapists and clients are able to identify, with ease, what may seem like irreversible damage or pain. However, it is simple to overlook the pieces of our clients’ stories that are peppered with traces of hope and with a certain innocence that runs counter to what many of them have survived. This article will... 
Love is one of the most elemental of emotions—it is a building block to some of our deepest relationships and a component in many of our happiest days. Yet the ability to freely give and receive love is a fragile skill, which traumatic experiences can all too easily dent or damage. Learning how to be loved is a vital part of your healing, and here are a few tips on how to regain your ability to accept someone’s care, concern, and nurture.
The first set of tips have to do with the person who is expressing kindness, care, concern, nurture, attention, aka love to you. Because you have experienced... 
I was talking to one of my colleagues about the age of my son and the age of his daughters. His daughters are much older than my almost 1 year old, but he was able to give me some great wisdom. The wisdom was that “friendship comes later.”
What I gather from that is when a child is younger, what they need is to be parented. Parenting is teaching, guiding, and leading the child to know how to make wise choices, to be disciplined when he is not making a wise choice, to be shown how to love self and others, to make friends, and to evolve into a wise young person.
There are a few parents... 
A death, divorce, illness, sudden unemployment, or any major loss, creates chaos in your life. This emotional fracturing, as well as the practical aftershocks of dealing with estates, lawyers, housing, finances, doctors, etc., often yields intense feelings that can be overwhelming.
When you think you simply can’t assimilate another thing, it’s crucial to just stop. Even if you have never meditated, simply sitting or lying down and paying attention to your breath will calm your nervous system and give you the literal breather you need.
Sometimes, it’s too hard to stay still, so take... 
A strong 
“Sam” and “Ellen” have been married for 42 years. They have had a good life together. They’ve raised 4 children and have 11 grandchildren. They’ve had their ups and downs but have always managed to get through the hard times, until now.
Sam’s diagnosis of stage IV prostate cancer has really thrown them for a loop. They’ve just had their first visit with the oncologist, who was very nice and explained things very well. However, out of the entire visit, each of them only really heard one thing. Sam heard that treatment will make him impotent, and Ellen heard that the 5-year survival... 
After having worked in a residential treatment facility for abused and neglected girls for 8 years, I observed that the phenomenon of learned helplessness had become an all-to-common denominator for these children. It was very rare that an abused child was placed with us for a single incident of abuse. By the time these children reached our facility, many of them had already been physically or sexually abused numerous times throughout their childhood and adolescence.
Many times these children had been abused not by a single perpetrator but by several different people, including members of their... 
