Boundaries
November 25th, 2008 |
A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by Cedar Barstow, M.Ed., C.H.T.
Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
“The task is to recognize our interdependence, honor boundaries and differences, and remember connectedness.” – Dyrian Benz
“Find the optimum closeness/distance to enable you to experience your OWN unique center of aliveness and awareness, as well as the other’s unique center.” – Mukara Meredith
Good boundaries are a centerpiece for safe and successful relationships. Boundaries are, as well, the space that people consider part of their identity. Skin is the physical boundary. People also have energetic and emotional boundaries. Inadvertent boundary crossings can be very upsetting. Boundaries are very individual, can be negotiated between people, are often communicated non-verbally. They are influenced by cultural values, styles and expectations. Try checking with your clients about precisely what feels to them like the right distance from you. You may be surprised about the amount of variation. Boundaries serve well to provide a consistent container that can define, contain, and limit relationships.
Development of Boundaries
The development of boundaries is a strong aspect of individuation. Boundaries are a fundamental aspect of self-development. Infants are born into a swirling world of new and familiar sensations in which they experience no distinction between self and other—all are merged into one. This is the beginning of the universal and lifelong process of finding a Self. Boundaries define and protect. They allow separation and they can be negotiated to experience the joy of merging. They are both empowering and also provide healthy limits.
Healthy boundary development proceeds through stages briefly described by my Hakomi Method colleague Mukara Meredith as:
1) “Undifferentiated” with the developmental need being to feel welcome and secure in the containment of the caretaker.
2) “Separate But Surrounded” with the developmental need being support and nourishment.
3) “Open Support” with the need for developing autonomy by coming and going from caretaker’s protective presence.
4) “Overlapping” with the need to be able to say no and still belong.
5) “Individuated” with the need to join and separate, and be creative and unique, without fear of loss of love.
Effective boundaries are both secure and flexible. Saying “no” is the simplest form of boundary setting, and may, at times, be necessary to forcefully exert for the protection of clients and others from harm. As a practitioner, you need to be sensitive and responsive to your client’s boundaries, knowing that they may be different from yours.
The 150% equation with boundaries
As the person in the position of greater power and influence, it is your responsibility to set and maintain boundaries. Even though your clients agree to the boundaries you set and often help you in creating the boundaries, you are ultimately responsible for the boundaries. Both you and your clients are responsible for being in right relationship, but you, the practitioner are 150% responsible for both managing the boundaries and repairing them if broken. The 150% equation applies.
Here are some boundary examples in which the power differential can have a significant and harmful impact:
Physical: using touch unconsciously or not attending to spatial boundaries
Emotional: encouraging emotional dependence or being too personally revealing so that your clients feel they must take care of you
Mental: creating a psychologically impactful “smart/dumb” dynamic
Energetic: communicating through one’s energy a more intimate relationship than is real or appropriate
Sexual: becoming intimately involved with your client or encouraging or implying the possibility
Financial: not being clear about your financial contracting or keeping a client longer than they are benefiting from your service
Environmental: not creating a safe, private, and attractive office setting
Social: engaging in or not managing dual relationships
Time: not holding clear time boundaries by being late or going over the time, rushing or being abrupt, or not having or keeping a clear cancellation policy
Role: not owning and skillfully using the power you have
Take a few minutes to reflect on each of these professional boundaries and notice how you are in relation to each one. Pick one of these to work on handling better. Choose a specific and behavioral way you can make some improvement. Arrange to get some feedback from a friend or colleague.
©Copyright 2008 Cedar Barstow, M.Ed., C.H.T. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
10 comments so far
Seems to me that boundaries for the patient and therapist relationship should be established from the very first meeting. You know that if they are not someone is going to cross a line somewhere along the way and the other is going to be uncomfortable.
I think boundaries are something people tend to cross, however professional one is. It’s ok to reach out to a client to put them at ease but being a leaning shoulder can be problematic.
Being a counsellor myself, its important to have dispassionate views and be objective with a patient or client. Leaving behind personal tensions, mental and physical fatigue as well as emotions is important while imparting counselling or therapy.
I learnt tm in India 5 years ago. Done me a world of good. Definitely helped me stay calm in all kinds of situations since.
I have this thing about maintaining my own personal space and wish that others felt the same way that I do. There are many times when people just get too darn close to me and I really cannot stand it. And the ones that really drive me crazy are the ones who do not notice that I will have to back away from them when I feel that they are invading my space. This is very irritating. I try to abide by the rules of personal space and wish that everyone else could too. This does not mean that I do not enjoy being in proximity to others but I need room to breathe that is comfortable to me.
I feel the same as Oliver. I have my space, a space that I do not want anyone stepping into where it makes me feel uncomfortable. I agree that boundaries should be discussed at first hand in therapy and it is okay to be consoling and understanding, but at the same time, know the boundaries.
This is a very interesting article and I didn’t realize how many boundaries there were and the crossing of them. I think a lot of us could benefit in learning and knowing what our boundaries are and as the article stated, work on the ones we need to work on.
thanks for the presentation today Chris. i enjoyed learning about men from your perspective…but men still remain a mystery to me!
whenever I try to set a boundary with this person at work, he gets energized to further violate it thinking it’s some kind of oppportunity/game. He’s worse than a normal bully, because with a bully, they will finally respect your clear no. But with this character, the more I say no, the worse it gets. It’s getting harder and harder to bear and I’m starting to be provoked to make verbal angry outbursts thus making me looking like the bad one.
Regarding the statement of “As the person in the position of greater power and influence, it is your responsibility to set and maintain boundaries.” I agree that it is the therapist’s responsibility to set and maintain boundaries. It must be clearly acknowledged that sometimes the therapist has neither the power nor the capacity to set clear boundaries, such as in situations such as small town, small communities, the military, prisons, sport psychology, etc. It is an illusion to think that therapists are always “the person in the position of greater power and influence.” Some of our clients are more powerful than we are in certain areas. Some therapists are rather fragile themselves.