The Power of Behavior in Relationships
October 20th, 2008 |
By Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT
Click here to contact Lisa and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
From the time we are born, relationships are one of the most important things to all of us. Our behavior has the power to either bring people closer to us – or push them away. Consider for a moment the people in your life; your family, friends and intimate partnerships. What is the quality of relationship you have with them?
Are there people in your life who are behaving in a way towards you that causes distress, sadness, confusion or anger? Is there not a shred of evidence to support the possibility that they take responsibility for this and/or willing to make changes for the sake of the relationship? Ask yourself whether this works for you.
On the flip side – do you have a trail of destroyed relationships behind you? Do you put up walls or other blocks to intimacy and human connection? Are you giving out what you want back? Ask yourself if the end result of this has brought you joy – or emptiness?
Behavior That Draws Others In:
*Eye contact
*Listening
*Kindness
*Reliability
*Physical Touch
Behavior That Pushes Others Away:
*Dismissiveness
*Inconsistency
*Criticism
*Dishonesty
*Arrogance
It seems that many people don’t understand the power of behavior to hurt others, that they have a choice not to accept another’s damaging behavior – or a choice to put an end to theirs. Our behavior shapes the quality of our relationships so it’s an important element to consider.
There are many reasons why people behave in the way they do including experiences with important earlier relationships (family of origin), defense mechanisms, how one feels about themselves and general lack of awareness. The important thing is that everyone is responsible for their actions, regardless of “why” they might behave the way they do.
Take an inventory of your life and examine if there’s anything that could benefit from change in the area of your behavior – or accepting other’s behavior. Consider making adjustments in your life if need be. If you determine that you have healthy relationships with others in your life and there is no need for any change – good for you! Consider yourself very fortunate – and tell one of these people how much you appreciate them tomorrow.
©Copyright 2008 by Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Lisa and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
Healthy relationships are at the very heart of what makes it so good to be us. A good strong relationship always has a way of making you feel loved and welcomed rather than shunned and inadequate. I have had the honor to grow up in a very loving family and I know that I am fortunate for that. Growing up in that has shaped all of my relationships that I have had in my life. While I cannot say that they have all been healthy what I got growing up gave me the sense to know when it was time to break free from those that were doing me more harm than good. I do wish that everyone had been as fortunate as I have been but for those of you who have not been there is still time to make a difference! Take a look at yourself and find all of your wonderful qualities, those that make you who you are, and be strong!
Having recently gotten out of a relationship which always left me with nothing but sadness and a floundering self esteem and worthlessness to say the very least, I have to agree with Madeleine. It took me months to realize what I had to do but finally I made that move and did it. In the words of Stuart Smiley (I think that was his name from Saturday Night Live) I had to finally tell myself that I was good enough and smart enough to make it on my own and I have!
Anyone who makes us feel like a worm is not worth our time. Being born a Christian, my mom always told me that we are all made in the image of God. Whatever way he has made us normal, phsically challenged or mentally challenged, we are perfect in His eyes. No reason why we shouldn’t be in ours. Relying on ourselves is the most trusting thing we can do at times.
behavior is such an overlooked issue that often it is a wonder than any relationships survive! isee people treat their friends and family members in such horrible ways and it is hard to understand why some people even stay together. our behavior that we disply toward others, i think, reflects how we oursleves wish to be treated. we should all think more about that aspect before we treat other people badly!
I see couples justify their behavior based on how the other behaves. If you act out, I’ll get in the ditch and act out with you. I think it’s important for each of us to take responsibility for our own behavior, regardless how others react. We can either add to the problem, or work to make it better by focusing on ourselves.
I am married with 2 children today but I am still frightened of my neighbour back at my parent’s place. The man used to use so much of abusive language and hated just about anyone and anything. My memory of him is so fresh and vivid that I still get very nervous around angry people!!
I agree with Carolyn that “behavior is so often over-looked!” If we all took more responsibility for our own behavior there would be a lot more happier relationships! Luckily, it can be learned and implemented but it requires awareness and empathy at the very least.
I grew up in a family where if we did something wrong, we were punished. My mom raised 5 kids on her own when i was 12. She had a Christian background, but when there was conflict or something she didn’t want to deal with, she in a way ignored it and pretend it didn’t exist. That is how I perceived it, but it was her outward expression that made me believe this. I sometimes find that in me and do not want that. I want to confront whatever problems there are and fix them.
I can comprehend this. I have a significant other, who seems to be negative a lot and that in turn, makes me act differently. I can’t stand negativity and I try to act and think positive most of the time. When I am around negative people all the time, it seems like it rubs off. I think we all deserve a healthy relationship where we can confide in the one we love.
I have had good relationships and some bad. I learn from these experiences and try to move on. It is sometimes hard to move forward when you are carrying these past thoughts or experiences with you. I think a lot has to do with low self esteem in others, or maybe sometimes us, that cause us to act the way we do. Maybe if we worked on that, we would have a better relationship with others.
It seems like we all carry some sort of memory with us from the past and unconsciously, we act upon situations due to this. It is so frustrating and upsetting for me to see someone continuously verbally, physically or mentally degrade someone. We all deserve better.
If you read the book Blink, there is a section in it about relationships and marriage. It seems that the most destructive thing to a relationship is being distainful. The author of Blink cites a well known psychologist who, after watching a couple for just a few minutes can tell if they will be together in the future. He describes what he calls the “deadly eye roll.” When one partner acts with distain or is dismissive, the relationship is doomed. It is not fighting that is destructive. In fact, the behavior in a “fight” or argument can be quite responsive. The example he gives is, One partner says to the other, “Shut up, you never let me talk.” When the other partner responds with, “Ok, fine, what do you want to say,” and then lets the other person talk, while not the best behavior, is not actually destructive to the long-term relationship in that the action is responsive….very interesting.
Nice discussion here.
Yes – great discussion. The “distain” or as Gottman would say, “contempt” piece seems to be a pretty good marker for the survival or lack of survival of a relationship.
The good news for people who have a tendency for behavior that pushes people away – is that they can do repair work if they so desire. They at least have a shot at demonstrating enough counter behavior (sincere apologies, real change) to help heal previous damage done by them…that is, if the other party is still open to that.