Comments on: Attraction, Addiction or Love?

By: Anne Ream

Anne Ream — Sat, 09 May 2009 21:32:37 +0000

Hi Missy,
The concern I wrote about is that many people confuse their feelings of attraction and believe they are feeling love. It seems that the situation you and your husband are in is the opposite of what I was writing about. There are different kinds of love, and love changes. I would reccomend that you do go to a therapist before making any big decision about your marriage. It is possible that a good sex therapist could help. You have been together a long time and that deserves respect. Best wishes! Anne

By: Missy

Missy — Sat, 09 May 2009 16:52:22 +0000

I am not sure I understand what you are saying about attraction in this article. My husband and I have had very little sex since we were married. He just confided in me that he is not physically attracted to me and really never was but really loves me so he just faked it and lived with the no sex for the last 18 years. I have always enjoyed sex but decided I loved my husband and would do without sex. He just shared that he is miserable without sex too. He believes this is chemical and isn’t convinced that counceling will help. Can counceling help in this attraction issue? We both agree that we enjoy each others company and lives but we need to fix this sex issue.

By: Anne Ream

Anne Ream — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 20:09:07 +0000

Congratulations Maddie! It sounds as if you and your husband have nurtured your feelings for one another, as well as, each other well enough to have developed a healthy, intimate, loving relationship. Well done!

By: Maddie

Maddie — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 10:53:41 +0000

I really love this topic and when I was younger I found myself falling in and out of love..maybe at the time this wasn’t love, but it seems when you’ve been hurt so many times, it’s hard to let that guard down and let someone love you or for you to give love. I’ve been happily married for 12 years and let that guard down, but it really took a lot of discussion on my husband’s part to start showing some emotion or interest.

By: Anne Ream

Anne Ream — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 19:17:41 +0000

Thank-you Anabella, for your honesty. Yes, we can be attracted to different qualities an individual has and the attraction can be addictive. It takes courage to be honest and extracate ourselves from a relationship when we recognize our true feelings.

By: Anabella

Anabella — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 01:45:41 +0000

Hello. I just got out of a 4 year relationship. I am now realizing it was more of an addiction than love. I was never really attracted to his appearance. I was more so attracted to his personality & the way he spoke. I now know love can be an addiction & it would have been unhealthy to stay in a relationship like that. Thank you.

By: Anne Ream

Anne Ream — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 14:31:31 +0000

Amelia, I agree with you. Ruining a good relationship over an attraction that might not work out could be a mistake. It takes time, effort, commitment and serious work on oneself to nurture an attraction into a good relationship. It’s not worth it to risk losing it, unless something is inherently wrong with what, on the surface, seems to be a good relationship.

By: amelia

amelia — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 22:59:07 +0000

it’s so hard to hide how you feel about someone when u are with someone else. they have a choice and if they act upon it… that’s their decision.. they can only learn from it. I would hate to ruin a good relationship over an attraction that may not work out

By: Anne Ream

Anne Ream — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 17:03:54 +0000

Hi Holly,

That a very good question. I believe that attraction develops into love through the conscious, deliberate efforts of both partners. When you write “I have not found myself in love so far” I wonder what it is that you believe occurs, how does on “find” that they are in love? Have you felt that you might be developing feelings of love with someone who did not seem to reciprocate? Or vice versa? This might be a good thing to talk over with a professional.

By: Holly

Holly — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 10:04:34 +0000

How does one get out of the trap of dating someone simply based on attraction? I have found that I am attracted to a lot of people but I have not found myself in love so far in life. I am a little worried as I am 33 and dont even have a puppy love.

By: Anne Ream

Anne Ream — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 20:34:11 +0000

Hi James,

Your concern makes sense to me. It sounds to me as if the young man could use some therapy. If it is possible for you to talk with your daughter about your concerns, that would be a place to begin. Is there someone at the school you could mention this to?

By: James

James — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 11:48:14 +0000

I am worried for my daughter. She is in love with a boy from school. Her best friend says the boy has carved her name out in his hand and follows her everywhere to make sure she is alright. I am scared that if things dont work out he will harm her. What do I do?

By: Anne Ream

Anne Ream — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 19:03:54 +0000

Thank-you Grace. It is always wonderful to hear from people like you who have successfully worked hard to overcome a difficult childhood and use better parenting skills. This is how society makes progress. Through people who make needed changes in their families parenting skills. I cannot even begin to imagine what a “perfect” parent would be like. “Better” is the best! I do hope you can find a way to stop feeling any kind of “shame” for having such wonderful strengths! You’ve earned the right to feel proud! KUDOS!

By: Grace

Grace — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 21:42:42 +0000

Thanks Anne for pointing out that we can develop new habits over the course of our whole lives. It is nice to hear something positive like that for a change! I am one of those sad people who grew up in a home with no really strong role models and I know that there were probably those who felt I was destined to repeat those patterns with my own kids. But I was determined not to make the same mistakes that my own parents made. Although I have to admit that it does shame me a bit to say this, I feel like I had the strength to rise above my upbringing and to do better than what I was given. Am I perfect? Absolutely not, I have definitely made mistakes with my own kids along the way. But I hope that they know that any mistake I made it was all based on loving them and caring for their best interests, not ones made because I did not care about them. That was the kind of thing that I lived with in the past and I hope that I have done better than that as an adult.

By: Anne Ream

Anne Ream — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 13:11:49 +0000

Hi Dolly, When you wrote “She knows nothing about her attraction” I felt some confusion; are you saying that she is unaware that she feels attracted to this other person? If this is what you are saying, it may be a good idea to ask her if she feels attracted. Most of us feel attracted to different people throughout our lives. When this happens we have a choice about whether to act on it or not. I believe that love involves making conscious choices every day.

By: Anne Ream

Anne Ream — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 11:18:21 +0000

I agree, Angela. Many of our relationship skills are learned during the first three years of our lives during the attachment phase. Dr. Daniel Siegle has written a great deal about how attachment processes affect brain development. And the good news is that the brain can develop healthy attachment patterns throughout life!

By: Dolly

Dolly — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 10:04:23 +0000

My best friend is in a beautiful relationship but her mind is wandering constantly to a man she sees everyday who she is attracted to and who is definitely attracted to her. Is this an obsession about attraction. She has no reason to upset the boat but I think her carnal desires are going to get the better of her. She knows nothing about her attraction!!

By: Angela

Angela — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 22:11:46 +0000

Too often it is easy to get into relationships like these where you become so addicted to someone else or co dependent upon one another because you have never experienced love and closeness with someone in your life and have no idea of how to act any way but that way. You have had no good model of what a strong and independent relationship is all about so you give yourself compltely over to another not realizing the damage that will be done by this not only to you but the other person in the relationship too. Partnerships like these are rarely ones of equals and in the end someone is definitely going to get hurt.

By: Anne Ream

Anne Ream — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 18:45:25 +0000

Hi Brent, Yes, feeling smothered is another sign that the other person may be addicted and in need of help. Stalking someone is another symptom of relationship addiction. Different people will exhibit different symptoms in different relationships. Sometimes it can be easier to figure out than others. A pattern that is more difficult involves the person who expresses a great desire to be with the person they “love” until that person is with them. Then they reject this person and the cycle starts again. In a situation such as this it can be more difficult to recognize those behaviors as addictive behaviors.

By: Brent

Brent — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 13:28:58 +0000

Having been in a relationship before where my parttner smothered me it is very easy to tell the difference between what is love and what is an addiction.