Are you a Pursuer? Or a Distancer?
September 24th, 2007 |
Written by Irene Oudyk-Suk, MSW, RSW
Click here to contact Irene and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
Jason hasn’t said much for the last few days. Sally, his wife, has talked quite a bit. Sally processes life by commenting on it verbally as it passes her by. Jason does his reflecting internally. He shares when asked, although sometimes Sally has to drag it out of him. Such is the normal ebb and flow of Jason and Sally’s marriage. It works quite well. Mostly.
This pattern gets Sally and Jason into trouble when they deal with conflict. Sally expresses a concern and Jason makes a gesture or verbal remark that says, “Do we have to talk about this?” Sally feels misunderstood and tries harder to get her point across. Jason, dismayed that the hoped for return-to-harmony has gone up in smoke, tries to ease the mounting tension with a face that looks to Sally like a stone wall. Sally feels ignored and slighted and so she takes up the chase again. Now Jason feels under attack. He’s thinking, “Can’t we just be warm and comfortable with each other?” Sally is stewing. “He doesn’t care what I say!” Sally says something critical. Jason withdraws further. It’s a pursue-distance dynamic that soon has Jason accusing Sally “nagging” and Sally pleading with Jason to “just listen to me.”
Thankfully Sally and Jason are able to speak together about how they alienate each other at times. Sally expresses an irrational fear that “chasing” Jason could drive him out of their marriage. Jason reassures Sally. Jason shares with Sally, not for the first time, how he learned to shut down long ago in order to deflect his father’s never-ending criticism. Recognizing the pursue-distance dynamic of their relationship helps Sally and Jason reconnect before the withdrawal and nagging spiral out of control…
In my work as a couple’s therapist I regularly see the pursue-distance pattern at work. It can so completely take over a couple’s relationship that neither partner feels safe or loved enough to speak honestly about their vulnerabilities and fears.
Do you ever experience this dynamic in your closest relationship? Follow these steps:
1.Own your role in the pattern.
2.Stop questioning your partner’s motives.
3.Wonder how you impact your partner. Ask him or her.
These steps, practiced regularly, are an excellent way to ensure that the pursue-distance does not take over your relationship.
©Copyright 2007 Irene Oudyk-Suk, MSW, RSW
All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Irene and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
I found myself in this blog entry. And, the funny thing is, I wasn’t even aware of it. So, thank you for helping me see what I couldn’t see myself. I guess that’s what this business is about, which is why I love it so much. I love helping people see something they were blind to before. Now that I know what is going on and can see so clearly, I can act on these three steps. I can’t wait to see their effect on my relationship!
I know what you mean. I am attracted to the “shy, silent” type. But, I am anything but shy and silent. Now, I understand why I have problems in my relationships. Could most of my break ups be attributed to this pursuing versus distancing? I think I’ll take a closer look and see. Of course, the good news if that I can still give it another try. I’ll have to see what the steps bring and the impact the self corrections have on the success of future relationships.
I have so many clients who fit in these roles. And, as simple as it may sounds, it is so often so hard to help them see what these roles are. Sometimes, I admit that I get frustrated with the lack of progress I seem to facilitate. If it were only this easy, I’d have much happier clients. Then again, if it were this easy, I wouldn’t have a job! I guess it is as with most things-all good things take time.
When my couples clients are able to see these dynamics at work, it is a huge “ah-ha” moment for us all. Once my clients can see how they fit into these roles, they are motivated more than ever to make changes and do some hard work. It’s as if they are hugely relieved to have a name for their problem. If they can name their problem, they are more able to understand and deal with it. When couples are truly motivated to save their relationships, they can do marvels with uncovering how they fit into the pursuer/distancer role.