The ABC’s of Apologizing to Your Spouse
November 5th, 2009 |
By Pamela Lipe, MS, LP, Relationships & Marriage Topic Expert Contributor
Click here to contact Pam and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
Somehow you have ended up on the wrong side of the “whose fault was it” argument with your spouse. You know it was your fault but you have lots of really good reasons why you acted like you did. Plus, you were well intentioned and actually only said those things because your partner needed to hear them. Nonetheless, you can see that there is a breach in the relationship and if you don’t do a repair, you are not going to like the icy silence or hot reproachful words that come back. So, it is time for an apology—to eat crow, “fess up,” or bow low to ask for a pardon.
Actually, I find myself in this position more than I like to admit. In all honesty, I don’t like to apologize. Sometimes, I have trouble getting my attitude right so my words don’t sound very sincere. At other times, I simply do not think I’m the one in the wrong. I will begin to list the ways I am right, with sound reasons, wonderful logic, and a clear sense of righteousness on my side. As you might guess, that doesn’t work either.
As a marriage counselor, I have learned the art of apology from my clients and from my training. None of this came natural for me. I have learned to take several deep breaths and tell myself to listen to what my husband’s concerns are before I respond. Over the years, I have learned to stop providing all the really good reasons why, in fact, I am not wrong because sometimes I am wrong.
Then I remind myself of the ABC’s of an apology:
Always Be Calm: Take several deep breaths and remember what’s at stake. Calming your nervous system and reducing your heart rate will help keep you from blurting out something you’ll regret later. Hearing your partner and thinking about the validity of their statements is so much easier if you are calm.
Avoid Being Critical: While it is natural to think of all those times your partner has been wrong, this is not the time to bring them up. Heaping criticism onto your partner will only confuse the issue and cause tension to increase.
Accept Blame Civilly: Be gracious and humble. Use those polite words your mom always wanted you to use. Here are some examples:
1. I really blew that one. Let me try it again.
2. Oops! How can I make things better?
3. Let me start over again. I think I went too far.
4. I really don’t want to be bossy with you. I can see how I came across that way. Sorry.
5. Look, your feelings are important to me. I shouldn’t have said what I said. I hope we are OK now.
And lastly, be kind to yourself. It’s OK to be wrong sometimes. John Wooden, basketball’s coaching legend and Hall of Famer, led the Bruins at UCLA to 88 consecutive winning games. But he knew that one of the secrets of success is to be accepting of failure as well. He famously said: “If you’re not making mistakes, then you’re not doing anything.”
©Copyright 2009 by Pamela Lipe, MS, LP. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Pam and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
Apologizing is not an easy task. And only individuals with true character and courage can apologize. It is infact tougher than to revolt or protest, because you are actually ‘bowing down’ in front of somebody… you really have to appreciate it when someone apologizes to you.
A relationship with no problems is not a normal relationship to be honest. There will always be conflicts in a relationship, more so with your spouse as you are almost always with them… but a little understanding coupled with a decrease in ego from both the sides will lead to a much better and peaceful relationship, with mutual respect.
I have a hard time apologizing especially when I do not feel deep down inside that I did anything wrong. But I am trying to do better and see things from the other perspective. If I have hurt his feelings, even if unintentionally I realize that I owe him an apology because that is the only way to move past what he perceives as a slight.
The old song says that breaking up is hard to do, but like so many other people, for me that hardest thing ever that I have to do is say that I am sorry. There are many times that I really have no problem with recognizing what I have done wrong, but it is that verbal acknowledgment to the other person that just kills me! I do not know why it is so hard for me to do that even when I fully recognize that I was the one in the wrong. I can be saying I’m sorry in my head but all that comes out is some justification or what I feel like justifies my words or my actions. I know that this is not what others want to hear and just saying the words would be so much easier than this scenario but it just seems to rarely happen that way when I am trying to make amends.
Apologizing is hard to do indeed, but if not done at the right time, will lead to rifts between the partners and may even create a serious divide in the relationship… a stitch in time saves nine!
Apologizing after you realize that it was your mistake is fine, infact healthy for a relationship, but apologizing just for the sake of argument is not going to lead the relationship anywhere… the partner who is apologizing in such a case does not actually mean it and even the recipient partner can, in most cases, see through the deceit… it will only lead to two unsatisfied individuals as against a happy couple.
Anger from even one partner can wreck havoc in a relationship and it may even cause irrepairable damage to the relationship. Hence anger management is extremely important in prospective conflict-situations… I have discovered that the count-til-ten-when-your’re-angry advice actually works!
Apologizing is easier for me when I remember that the apology isn’t for me to get something (forgivness, for example), but is something I offer to the other person freely, with no thought of a return benefit. The apology is to express my sincere regret for, and intention not to repeat, the offense I committed.
If I know I was not the person who committed the offense I don’t apologize (“No, I can’t apologize because I didn’t take your keys off the table, but I can help you look for them”).
If my partner’s experience is that he was hurt by something I said, even if I don’t agree that it was hurtful or didn’t intend it to be hurtful – I apologize, because his experience of me is the defining factor. Later we can talk about what was hurtful in what I said, and discover why it was so hurtful. Understanding and intimacy are increased, which enhances trust – a triple play of the best kind for both of us!
Whenever I do something or say something that I know has caused someone to hurt than it kills me until I have the chance to offer an apology. Knowing that I did a bad thing eats me up inside until I can find a way to make it right.
Apologizing at the right time can save a relationship from a lot of damage and further conflict. But equally important is for the other person to forget and forgive… if the forgiveness doesn’t come, it is very difficult to prevent further damage… each one of us needs to learn not just to ask for forgiveness but also to learn to forgive…
The responses to this article about apologizing have been very thoughtful and have brought out some of the complexity of offering an apology. It is difficult but the more you make amends, the easier it gets. Especially if you are in a relationship with a partner who is good at accepting apologies. (I think that will be my next article). Thanks to all for your thoughtful offerings.