Comments on: Angry Because You Can’t Get What You Want? http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/angry-because-you-can%e2%80%99t-get-what-you-want/ Exploring Healthy Psychotherapy Fri, 10 Feb 2012 01:06:51 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/angry-because-you-can%e2%80%99t-get-what-you-want/#comment-24854 Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. Mon, 09 Nov 2009 17:29:54 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/?p=5594#comment-24854 Jackie I sense how frustrated, angry and resentful you are that your partner appears to exclude you from what you believe should be joint experiences. You want to be closer and that is very normal and understandable. I suggest that you talk to him about how left out you feel. He may have no idea how to share his thoughts and feelings with you. If you just show your anger and get upset he may not link it to his way of making decisions. Show him how much your want to be part of his experience and vice versa. That may be a good place to start. He may need some help from you in how and when to include you since he may have no intention of excluding you consciously. Jackie I sense how frustrated, angry and resentful you are that your partner appears to exclude you from what you believe should be joint experiences. You want to be closer and that is very normal and understandable.

I suggest that you talk to him about how left out you feel. He may have no idea how to share his thoughts and feelings with you. If you just show your anger and get upset he may not link it to his way of making decisions.

Show him how much your want to be part of his experience and vice versa. That may be a good place to start. He may need some help from you in how and when to include you since he may have no intention of excluding you consciously.

]]> By: jackie http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/angry-because-you-can%e2%80%99t-get-what-you-want/#comment-24849 jackie Mon, 09 Nov 2009 15:51:34 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/?p=5594#comment-24849 Maybe because I never see him doing anything for the good of the two of us, everything seems to be strictly geared toward his wants and his needs. I don't think that he would deny that. I guess I am insecure in that I feel like if I really put my foot down about it then he would leave me, and I have spent way too much time in this to let it go like that. I know that sounds whiny but it is true. How do I make him see that I really do not care if he goes and does things like this but from time to time I would love it if he would solicit some input from me and really take it to heart instead of just brushing my feelings aside? Maybe because I never see him doing anything for the good of the two of us, everything seems to be strictly geared toward his wants and his needs. I don’t think that he would deny that. I guess I am insecure in that I feel like if I really put my foot down about it then he would leave me, and I have spent way too much time in this to let it go like that. I know that sounds whiny but it is true. How do I make him see that I really do not care if he goes and does things like this but from time to time I would love it if he would solicit some input from me and really take it to heart instead of just brushing my feelings aside?

]]> By: Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/angry-because-you-can%e2%80%99t-get-what-you-want/#comment-24826 Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. Mon, 09 Nov 2009 00:25:03 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/?p=5594#comment-24826 Jackie I see how hurt and unimportant you feel in your relationship. One way of looking at the relationship that may be helpful is in terms of personal security. It seems that your partner is more secure in himself and doesn't need your permission or approval to get what he wants for himself. He's not afraid of losing you if he acts autonomously. Perhaps you are less secure and want to run things by him to make sure he's okay with it before you get things for yourself. You may be much more afraid of not being good enough and therefore losing your partner. That is insecurity. It's better to think in these terms than in terms of selfish versus unselfish or level of investment. Both of you are invested, but you are less secure in the relationship than he appears to be. Take my relationship quiz to find out more about styles of relating and personal security at http://drjeanetteraymond.com/how_likely_you_are/ Jackie I see how hurt and unimportant you feel in your relationship. One way of looking at the relationship that may be helpful is in terms of personal security. It seems that your partner is more secure in himself and doesn’t need your permission or approval to get what he wants for himself. He’s not afraid of losing you if he acts autonomously.

Perhaps you are less secure and want to run things by him to make sure he’s okay with it before you get things for yourself. You may be much more afraid of not being good enough and therefore losing your partner. That is insecurity.

It’s better to think in these terms than in terms of selfish versus unselfish or level of investment. Both of you are invested, but you are less secure in the relationship than he appears to be.

Take my relationship quiz to find out more about styles of relating and personal security at
http://drjeanetteraymond.com/how_likely_you_are/

]]> By: Jackie http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/angry-because-you-can%e2%80%99t-get-what-you-want/#comment-24817 Jackie Sun, 08 Nov 2009 17:12:18 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/?p=5594#comment-24817 I am in a relationship like this. Whenever he wants something new he does not even ask he just goes to get it. But whenever I just mention wanting a new treat then he goes ballistic and says we can't afford that right now. Yet he never allows me the chance to offer any of the same input probably because he is selfish and knows what I will say. maybe I should just start doing what he does and just go out and get what I want but I always seem to take his feelings into consideration while he does not give the same to me. Does that mean that I am way more invested in this relationship than he is, and that he is just invested in himself and his selfishness? I am in a relationship like this. Whenever he wants something new he does not even ask he just goes to get it. But whenever I just mention wanting a new treat then he goes ballistic and says we can’t afford that right now. Yet he never allows me the chance to offer any of the same input probably because he is selfish and knows what I will say. maybe I should just start doing what he does and just go out and get what I want but I always seem to take his feelings into consideration while he does not give the same to me. Does that mean that I am way more invested in this relationship than he is, and that he is just invested in himself and his selfishness?

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