Written by Anne K. Crothers, M.Ed.

Traveling in Thailand meant adapting to changes. Like every other human, I find that difficult. I expected to miss the big things in my American routine: brewed coffee and toilets that you can sit down on. I was caught off guard by my strong reaction to the little changes. The Thai lack of napkins made every meal a little uncomfortable.

My “good girl” habit of placing my napkin neatly in my lap is apparently indelibly ingrained in my soul. I found myself plastering my lap with Kleenex, anything, so that I could get on with my meal. On one sordid occasion, I sunk as low as toilet paper.

As a therapist, I am constantly asking my clients to consider making changes, big and little shifts, in their lives. “Be nicer to yourself”. “Ask for what you need”. “Use ‘I’ statements”. “Make time for yourself”. These words are easy to say, and I say them well. But my napkin addiction helps to remind me of how comfortable, how pleasantly familiar our habits are, even our bad habits. Read the rest of this entry

Written by Mary DuParri, MA, LPC

Click here to contact Mary and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Are there parts of yourself that you do not like? Do you sometimes wish that you did not have an angry part or a shy part or some other part that gets in the way of you being who you want to be? Do you feel, at times, that you have been hijacked by your emotions or that you are reacting to things in extreme ways that do not reflect who you really are?

Most of us have parts like that. We have parts that may be triggered by circumstances, by other people or by issues from the past. We have parts that silence us though we say we want to be assertive. We have parts that help us stay unnoticed though we feel lonely. We have parts that push us so hard to work and be successful that we barely have time for fun. Or, parts that push so much toward fun that we have a hard time following through and being successful at work or school. We have parts of self that worry too much and get anxious, or parts that get angry or sad more often than we like. We have parts that cry too much, eat or drink too much or sleep too much.

Many of us try numerous ways to get rid of these negative parts of ourselves. We try ignoring them. We try distracting ourselves with positive thoughts or activities. We set personal goals and create steps to reach them. We get motivated and focused and decide that once and for all we are going to overcome our negative traits. And somehow, the traits keep coming back.

Do you wonder why, though we are smart and well intentioned, we cannot get rid of these negative parts of self? Read the rest of this entry

Written by Lisa Collazo, MSW

“Words, so innocent and powerless…when standing in a dictionary, how potent for good or evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them.” Nathaniel Hawthorne (1804-1864) American Novelist

Words are powerful things. They can stimulate intense emotion, thought and creative ideas for the writer to form into their very own work in progress. Words communicate who we are, our perceptions of the world and our role in it. Read the rest of this entry

Written by Jennine Estes, Marriage and Family Therapist Intern

Click here to contact Jennine and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Defensive behavior is one of the leading causes of on-going painful conflicts within a relationship, the type which can lead to long term damage. Defensive behavior sends the message to your partner that their experiences and ideas are wrong, and that you are in the right. However, as you may have seen, in these situations, a well meaning defense can quickly turn into a battle where each side is unwilling to give in.

The Communication Battle Attack: History is full of those moments when a true defense was necessary. In romantic medieval times, when a person was attacked, they defended themselves. They pulled out their armor, a shield and sword, and prepared to do battle. This response was due their desire to protect their own safety. Thinking back to the previous situation, when during an interchange if your partner is in a defensive position, it is generally because they don’t feel safe and possibly feel attacked. This leads them to put on their armor for their own protection, and then pick up their own sword and attack. This situation is what I call a “Communication Battle.” Situations such as these break down the family unit and place the combatants on opposing sides, fighting against each other in a vicious pattern, one that creates little positive communication.

Defensive behaviors can also be a sign of deeper communication issues. Sometimes, no matter how carefully someone addresses an issue with you, you automatically go into defense mode. This common response is often learned at a young age; when tough situations arise, each of us naturally reacts in a certain way. This reaction becomes a crutch to help us through situations where we need help coping with our own insecurities. However, we often become dependant on our crutches, and choose to keep them around far longer than they are actually needed. If this sounds like you, it will take more of an effort to remove the crutch and change this behavior. Read the rest of this entry

Written by Jodi Blackley, M.S., M.F.T.

Have you considered going to therapy, but have yet to pick up the phone? What’s stopping you? Are you worried what others might think? Are you wondering if therapy is really for you? Maybe you’re trying to decide if spending the money is worth it.

When I scour the web, I read posts from many people looking for therapist referrals. They ask for “good therapists,” or “therapists who use Cognitive-Behavioral therapy.” If you check out message boards like, Craigslist.org, it’s no wonder trying to figure out if there are benefits to therapy. There’s so much pessimism about therapy that many people steer away from it.

However, there’s good news! Researchers at The Institute for the Study of Therapeutic Change (ISTC) and Partners for Change have proven that there is value in therapy. Read the rest of this entry

Written by J Patrick Ware, MD

I was recently asked to share some reflections on the nature of conflict and spirituality. The following are some of those thoughts.

If the absence of conflict is peace then one could reasonably imagine that any entity which encourages or enhances peace may reduce or eliminate conflict. In any argument, if common ground can be developed between the opposing parties, the original investment in the issues of contention usually fade – the clear basis of negotiation/arbitration. This is especially true if the development of each party’s interest and/or investment in the area of commonality is rewarding as much as or perhaps even more than the parties original expectation concerning their initial areas of conflicted interest(s). Moreover, what if the experience of peace or contentment derived from the discovered areas of commonality are significantly beyond any level of “pleasure” from the pursuit of and/or acquisition of satisfaction previously contemplated. Read the rest of this entry

Written by Mary DuParri, MA, LPC

Click here to contact Mary and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Anyone who has experienced a breach of trust knows the pain and confusion of trying to rebuild it.  Many couples and families have experienced situations in their lives that lead to the loss of trust in someone.  It can be a fairly minor incident, like a teen being late for a few too many curfews, or it can be major, like an infidelity in a relationship.  The person who lied feels they can never do enough to be trusted again.  The one who was lied to feels they would be foolish to become too accepting, too soon. Here are some guidelines that can help in rebuilding trust: Read the rest of this entry

Written by Diane Jhueck, MA

Click here to contact Diane and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above.  The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org.

In our lifetimes, few of us escape the pain of grief over losing a loved one. Many of us experience this pain a number of times. In fact, the more full and engaged one’s life is the more one runs the risk of this kind of loss. Even if we somehow were never to lose a human friend or family member, any pet owner knows that it is one of nature’s ironies that our beloved pets have a shorter average life span than we do. Whenever we give our hearts to other beings we know that those same hearts may be shattered when our dear ones leave or die.

Some people refuse to take this kind of risk, attempting to solve the problem by not allowing in the feeling of love inside in the first place. But a life without loving connection lacks richness and depth. Most of us are not willing to live our lives that way.

I have found that the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model provides some insight into what is really happening when you are grieving and speeds the process itself.  Dr. Richard Schwartz  developed this model after years of listening to his clients describe what was happening inside them. Read the rest of this entry

Written by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

I have been alarmed by the increasing incidence of alcohol and drug abuse, especially among teenagers.  Users are getting younger; even children as young as eight years old have been found using various mind-altering substances.  This article will focus on giving you information about the various treatments available for alcohol and substance abuse in the hope that it may help you or someone you know obtain the treatment needed.

Drug, alcohol, and tobacco use is the cause of more deaths, illnesses, and disabilities than any other preventable health condition and seriously undermines America’s family life, economy and public safety1.  For the past few decades, national surveys have consistently shown that about 10 percent of American adults have significant problems related to their own use of alcohol.  In addition, about 25 percent of adults have reported that they use tobacco on a regular basis and about 7 percent use illegal drugs.  The following are some additional alarming statistics: Read the rest of this entry

Written by Risa Davis-Ganel, LCMFT

When it comes to your own marriage, is it better to be an expert or a scholar?

You might find yourself frequently thinking “I know what he will say” or “I know she doesn’t want to do that”. You have come to “know” your partner so well you believe you know what he/she thinks, wants, likes, dislikes, desires, or needs. She likes to have vanilla ice cream with chocolate sprinkles for dessert every Friday. She likes to line dance but would never want to go to a NASCAR race. He watches Late Night with Letterman every evening and prefers Italian food to sushi, but he would never go to a yoga class. Spending years with one person does provide the comfort of the familiar. Predictability offers order in our chaotic world. However, knowing someone, really knowing him includes accepting that he will change and grow.  It means being willing to discover her anew as the years go by. Read the rest of this entry