Written by Anne K. Crothers, M.Ed.

Traveling in Thailand meant adapting to changes. Like every other human, I find that difficult. I expected to miss the big things in my American routine: brewed coffee and toilets that you can sit down on. I was caught off guard by my strong reaction to the little changes. The Thai lack of napkins made every meal a little uncomfortable.

My “good girl” habit of placing my napkin neatly in my lap is apparently indelibly ingrained in my soul. I found myself plastering my lap with Kleenex, anything, so that I could get on with my meal. On one sordid occasion, I sunk as low as toilet paper.

As a therapist, I am constantly asking my clients to consider making changes, big and little shifts, in their lives. “Be nicer to yourself”. “Ask for what you need”. “Use ‘I’ statements”. “Make time for yourself”. These words are easy to say, and I say them well. But my napkin addiction helps to remind me of how comfortable, how pleasantly familiar our habits are, even our bad habits. Read the rest of this entry

Written by Mary DuParri, MA, LPC

Click here to contact Mary and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Are there parts of yourself that you do not like? Do you sometimes wish that you did not have an angry part or a shy part or some other part that gets in the way of you being who you want to be? Do you feel, at times, that you have been hijacked by your emotions or that you are reacting to things in extreme ways that do not reflect who you really are?

Most of us have parts like that. We have parts that may be triggered by circumstances, by other people or by issues from the past. We have parts that silence us though we say we want to be assertive. We have parts that help us stay unnoticed though we feel lonely. We have parts that push us so hard to work and be successful that we barely have time for fun. Or, parts that push so much toward fun that we have a hard time following through and being successful at work or school. We have parts of self that worry too much and get anxious, or parts that get angry or sad more often than we like. We have parts that cry too much, eat or drink too much or sleep too much.

Many of us try numerous ways to get rid of these negative parts of ourselves. We try ignoring them. We try distracting ourselves with positive thoughts or activities. We set personal goals and create steps to reach them. We get motivated and focused and decide that once and for all we are going to overcome our negative traits. And somehow, the traits keep coming back.

Do you wonder why, though we are smart and well intentioned, we cannot get rid of these negative parts of self? Read the rest of this entry

Written by Lisa Collazo, MSW

“Words, so innocent and powerless…when standing in a dictionary, how potent for good or evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them.” Nathaniel Hawthorne (1804-1864) American Novelist

Words are powerful things. They can stimulate intense emotion, thought and creative ideas for the writer to form into their very own work in progress. Words communicate who we are, our perceptions of the world and our role in it. Read the rest of this entry

Written by Jennine Estes, Marriage and Family Therapist Intern

Click here to contact Jennine and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Defensive behavior is one of the leading causes of on-going painful conflicts within a relationship, the type which can lead to long term damage. Defensive behavior sends the message to your partner that their experiences and ideas are wrong, and that you are in the right. However, as you may have seen, in these situations, a well meaning defense can quickly turn into a battle where each side is unwilling to give in.

The Communication Battle Attack: History is full of those moments when a true defense was necessary. In romantic medieval times, when a person was attacked, they defended themselves. They pulled out their armor, a shield and sword, and prepared to do battle. This response was due their desire to protect their own safety. Thinking back to the previous situation, when during an interchange if your partner is in a defensive position, it is generally because they don’t feel safe and possibly feel attacked. This leads them to put on their armor for their own protection, and then pick up their own sword and attack. This situation is what I call a “Communication Battle.” Situations such as these break down the family unit and place the combatants on opposing sides, fighting against each other in a vicious pattern, one that creates little positive communication.

Defensive behaviors can also be a sign of deeper communication issues. Sometimes, no matter how carefully someone addresses an issue with you, you automatically go into defense mode. This common response is often learned at a young age; when tough situations arise, each of us naturally reacts in a certain way. This reaction becomes a crutch to help us through situations where we need help coping with our own insecurities. However, we often become dependant on our crutches, and choose to keep them around far longer than they are actually needed. If this sounds like you, it will take more of an effort to remove the crutch and change this behavior. Read the rest of this entry

Written by Jodi Blackley, M.S., M.F.T.

Have you considered going to therapy, but have yet to pick up the phone? What’s stopping you? Are you worried what others might think? Are you wondering if therapy is really for you? Maybe you’re trying to decide if spending the money is worth it.

When I scour the web, I read posts from many people looking for therapist referrals. They ask for “good therapists,” or “therapists who use Cognitive-Behavioral therapy.” If you check out message boards like, Craigslist.org, it’s no wonder trying to figure out if there are benefits to therapy. There’s so much pessimism about therapy that many people steer away from it.

However, there’s good news! Researchers at The Institute for the Study of Therapeutic Change (ISTC) and Partners for Change have proven that there is value in therapy. Read the rest of this entry

Written by J Patrick Ware, MD

I was recently asked to share some reflections on the nature of conflict and spirituality. The following are some of those thoughts.

If the absence of conflict is peace then one could reasonably imagine that any entity which encourages or enhances peace may reduce or eliminate conflict. In any argument, if common ground can be developed between the opposing parties, the original investment in the issues of contention usually fade – the clear basis of negotiation/arbitration. This is especially true if the development of each party’s interest and/or investment in the area of commonality is rewarding as much as or perhaps even more than the parties original expectation concerning their initial areas of conflicted interest(s). Moreover, what if the experience of peace or contentment derived from the discovered areas of commonality are significantly beyond any level of “pleasure” from the pursuit of and/or acquisition of satisfaction previously contemplated. Read the rest of this entry

Written by Mary DuParri, MA, LPC

Click here to contact Mary and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Anyone who has experienced a breach of trust knows the pain and confusion of trying to rebuild it.  Many couples and families have experienced situations in their lives that lead to the loss of trust in someone.  It can be a fairly minor incident, like a teen being late for a few too many curfews, or it can be major, like an infidelity in a relationship.  The person who lied feels they can never do enough to be trusted again.  The one who was lied to feels they would be foolish to become too accepting, too soon. Here are some guidelines that can help in rebuilding trust: Read the rest of this entry

Written by Diane Jhueck, MA

Click here to contact Diane and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above.  The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org.

In our lifetimes, few of us escape the pain of grief over losing a loved one. Many of us experience this pain a number of times. In fact, the more full and engaged one’s life is the more one runs the risk of this kind of loss. Even if we somehow were never to lose a human friend or family member, any pet owner knows that it is one of nature’s ironies that our beloved pets have a shorter average life span than we do. Whenever we give our hearts to other beings we know that those same hearts may be shattered when our dear ones leave or die.

Some people refuse to take this kind of risk, attempting to solve the problem by not allowing in the feeling of love inside in the first place. But a life without loving connection lacks richness and depth. Most of us are not willing to live our lives that way.

I have found that the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model provides some insight into what is really happening when you are grieving and speeds the process itself.  Dr. Richard Schwartz  developed this model after years of listening to his clients describe what was happening inside them. Read the rest of this entry

Written by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

I have been alarmed by the increasing incidence of alcohol and drug abuse, especially among teenagers.  Users are getting younger; even children as young as eight years old have been found using various mind-altering substances.  This article will focus on giving you information about the various treatments available for alcohol and substance abuse in the hope that it may help you or someone you know obtain the treatment needed.

Drug, alcohol, and tobacco use is the cause of more deaths, illnesses, and disabilities than any other preventable health condition and seriously undermines America’s family life, economy and public safety1.  For the past few decades, national surveys have consistently shown that about 10 percent of American adults have significant problems related to their own use of alcohol.  In addition, about 25 percent of adults have reported that they use tobacco on a regular basis and about 7 percent use illegal drugs.  The following are some additional alarming statistics: Read the rest of this entry

Written by Risa Davis-Ganel, LCMFT

When it comes to your own marriage, is it better to be an expert or a scholar?

You might find yourself frequently thinking “I know what he will say” or “I know she doesn’t want to do that”. You have come to “know” your partner so well you believe you know what he/she thinks, wants, likes, dislikes, desires, or needs. She likes to have vanilla ice cream with chocolate sprinkles for dessert every Friday. She likes to line dance but would never want to go to a NASCAR race. He watches Late Night with Letterman every evening and prefers Italian food to sushi, but he would never go to a yoga class. Spending years with one person does provide the comfort of the familiar. Predictability offers order in our chaotic world. However, knowing someone, really knowing him includes accepting that he will change and grow.  It means being willing to discover her anew as the years go by. Read the rest of this entry

Written by Nicole S. Urdang, M.S., NCC, DHM

Click here to contact Nicole and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

As a psychotherapist I know how important it is to develop compassion through practicing acceptance of oneself and others. Nothing else can bring a more profound sense of inner peace.  When it comes to others, though, sometimes this acceptance is better from a distance.

Accepting people as they are does not mean that we have to embrace them.  It’s fairly easy to accept minor negative traits, but toxic behavior is another matter.  If a friend or relative can be counted on to say something hurtful, sarcastic, or cutting every time you see them it is often better to steer clear.  Cultivating compassion for them is fine, but putting yourself in harm’s way isn’t.  Acceptance does not mean taking abuse.  Read the rest of this entry

Written by Peg Dunn-Snow Ph.D. ATR-BC, LPAT, LMHC, NCC

In 1992 after Hurricane Andrew hit south Florida on August 24, 1992 I contributed to an article a list of art activities that children could do at home to help them process their thoughts and feelings after their hurricane experience that year.  The activities are still relevant today, but not only as a way to process a hurricane experience but to prepare for one by taking a more proactive approach. The activities in the original article were listed and categorized under the following headings. Read the rest of this entry

Written by Mary DuParri, MA, LPC

Click here to contact Mary and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Transitions come into our lives in many forms.  Some are the result of choices we make: a job change, the decision to have a baby, divorce.  Some are part of the normal progression of life, like graduation, promotion and retirement. Some come unexpectedly when we are faced with illness, downsizing or relocation.  All transitions, those we seek and those that surprise us require change.  They are a threat to the usualness of our lives.  Often, though we know transitions are coming, we are unprepared for our reactions to them. They may awaken fears about the future and frustrations with things that are out of our control.   The good news is that transitions are springboards into our future.  Whether timely or not, they put us in a position to review who we are, how we are living and what we want from the rest of our lives.  Transitions allow us to become the author of the next chapter of our autobiography.  Read the rest of this entry

Written by Rainer Maria Kohler, JD

Growing up as a Catholic child and teenager in Germany some sixty years ago I learned about original sin.  I was told that I and every other human being inherited the mark of original sin from Adam and Eve because of their disobedience to God’s command not to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.  Actually, in German, original sin is called Erbsünde, which means “inherited sin”.  (An aside:  The word Erbsünde also contains the German word Erbse which means “pea”, and for many years of my childhood I visualized my original sin as a pea-sized growth on my soul.)  As a child I accepted what I was told, but as a teenager I could not comprehend why God would make me inherit a sin which I had not committed.  It seemed unfair:  Why should I be responsible for something over which I had had no control?

In my 20s and 30s, when I got married and had children, I began to question whether my original sin is a sin and how it could be original or inherited.  Over the years of trying to raise our children and living in a close relationship with my wife it dawned on me that I was engaging in the same hurtful behavior which I had observed in my parents, both as parents and as spouses, and which I had sworn I would never repeat.  How could this be happening?  Was this the long and large shadow of original sin?

It took me many more years and my intense immersion in the depth psychology of C. G. Jung before I began to understand that although this long shadow, which reaches down to me from my parents and from all of my ancestors, acts with the strength and mystery of magic power, it is in fact a natural and inevitable consequence of my human nature.  It is impossible for us to escape, more than just a little, the powerful patterns of perception, feeling and behavior which have evolved in humans during the millennia of the evolution of homo sapiens.  Although these human patterns appear to be similar to the animal instincts, they are not the same.  The instincts regulate the animals completely in all of their behavior, while our human patterns of perception, feeling and behavior leave us some room, albeit small, to make choices and decisions.  Even Adam and Eve already had a choice to eat or not to eat the fruit from the tree.  In the context of our discussion it does not matter whether these human patterns are “inherited” genetically or through unconscious imitation or both.  In either case they are transmitted so successfully and regularly that they seem to be ordained by divine decree.

The Catholic Church has it partially right, therefore, when it claims that there are inclinations and propensities in us, in each and every human being, which have been “inherited” from, or are “original to” our ancestors, all the way back to Adam and Eve who can be seen as the symbolic and original parents of homo sapiens.  But why should these inclinations and propensities be sinful? Read the rest of this entry

Written by By Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

Among the worst experiences a lover or spouse can endure is discovering that their partner either is having or has had an affair.  The sense of betrayal is so powerful that one does not think it is possible to ever get over it…ever.  Someone who feels betrayed may experience a wide array of emotions ranging from deep sadness to severe depression to murderous rage, and everything in between.  There is no correct set of feelings appropriate to this universal experience.  The effects of an affair on a relationship can similarly range from total destruction to a desire to learn from the affair and work toward strengthening the relationship.  In the words of Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, an affair can either be “a death knell or a wake-up call.”

Frequently, patients may say to me that they are considering having an affair.  They may either have someone in mind, or they may be simply musing about the possibility.  Invariably, however, there is some underlying issue that is driving these thoughts. Why else would they be willing to violate their commitment vows for a one-night stand?  A one-night stand leaves the relationship altered in some way even if one is not caught.  It leaves the unfaithful partner living a lie that will affect the relationship.  I suggest that instead of acting on the fantasy, they discuss their discontent with their spouse, putting the issues on the table, and begin the process of working toward resolution before it is too late.   The fantasy, itself, can be a wake-up call, letting the partners know that all is not well on the home front.

When an affair has already been consummated, however, it is difficult to get through the pain and anguish of the betrayal to look at the nature of the relationship that may have set the stage for the affair.  All too often, this examination is experienced by the betrayed party as putting the responsibility on him or her rather than on the unfaithful partner.  Nonetheless, if a couple has decided that they want to remain together despite the affair, this examination becomes part of the healing process.

To be sure, it is much easier to turn one’s back on a relationship that has been damaged by an affair than to move toward getting beyond the pain to examine the relationship.  It takes consider-able courage and determination to rebuild trust, examine one’s own contribution to the state of the union, and to put in the required effort to make the relationship work.  Similarly, it takes great humility on the part of the unfaithful party to face his or her shortcomings, character failings, and fears to overcome the guilt for having inflicted such harm on one’s partner, and move for-ward to earn forgiveness. Read the rest of this entry

Written by By Helen Boy, MSW, LICSW, LADC

Grief is a natural response to loss.  Children, like adults, grieve when someone close to them dies or they experience other types of loss.  Children also may grieve when they lose a friend or a pet, move to a new home or school, or experience sexual abuse. The duration and intensity of grief are unique for each child.  With support, children usually have the capacity to integrate grief in their lives if the environment provides acceptance, compassion and safety.

How do children express grief?

Read the rest of this entry

Written by Sally E. James, LPC, NCC

• Share important information with the therapist after your child’s session.  Only share information with the therapist before the session if it will directly affect your child’s therapy for that day.  Also, telling your child to “be sure to tell your therapist” about an issue puts pressure on the child and may seem like punishment.

• Children are allowed more freedom in therapy than they are at home.  This is okay.  There is no such thing as “bad” behavior in therapy.  Children quickly learn that there are different rules in different places.

• Remember: sometimes the child’s behavior gets worse before it gets better.  This is normal in therapy and is a sign of progress.

• Therapy is successful mainly because the child learns to trust the therapist never to reveal what is said and done in therapy.  However, the child knows that the therapist will meet with the caregiver to discuss progress and general issues.  Confidence is necessary to give the child freedom of self-expression which is essential for therapy to be effective.

• A therapist’s goal is not to find out what happened to your child.  It is to facilitate the child’s healing, resolution of trauma, and help them learn to express their feelings.

• Children work very hard in therapy.  Please try to avoid asking your child questions about the session unless they volunteer information.  Things NOT to say…”Did you have fun?”  “Did you like it?”  Things you CAN say… “I bet you are tired.  You have been working hard for an hour.”

©Copyright 2007 Sally E. James, LPC, NCC  All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. The article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org.

Written by Sarah Jenkins, LPC

Click here to contact Sarah and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Consider how old you are. Now, consider how old you feel. Perhaps those numbers are the same. For many of you, they won’t be; they will be completely different numbers. Many of you will find it a curious experience, to learn about growing up, and developing, all over again.

Your development from that baby you were, to the adult you are now, follows a kind of “path.” The path to becoming a whole adult requires one to accomplish certain tasks, learn certain basic principles, as well as receive certain types of support. Each step in the right direction, on that path, has helped you to accomplish your current level of emotional development. Each experience, moment of discovery, and learning, prior to today, has built upon the one before it. It is the foundation of who you are. Read the rest of this entry

Written by Sarah Jenkins, LPC

Click here to contact Sarah and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Not feeling “grounded” often walks hand in hand with stress, and may be a signal for a need to connect with yourself and achieve balance. In its extreme, not being grounded is most familiar for those with histories of trauma which can lead to “dissociation.”

With this in mind, if you are a survivor of any kind of abuse, or a therapist working with survivors, knowledge of dissociation and grounding skills is key to the healing journey.

The Lens

Even if your logical mind believes you have moved past something that was challenging, stressful, or unsafe, your emotional mind may not have. As a result, whether you are conscious of it or not, any feeling, or physical sensation that feels familiar can “trigger” your history, and your dissociation. All of a sudden the thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and experiences of your history become the lens through which you see the world. Ironically, what many clients learn is that being in the “here and now” often means processing the past, so it releases its hold on them, today. Read the rest of this entry

Written by Joan Levy, LCSW

Click here to contact Joan and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Emotional Injuries Hide In Our Unconscious

Throughout our lifetime, most of us have in some significant way been wounded.  The physical wounds we can see.  Their solutions, if available to us, are fairly straightforward.  But those that take place in our minds and in our hearts are not so easy to see and are often stored out of touch, deep within our unconscious.  Those we do remember, we often avoid because it just hurts us too much.  Our culture supports this avoidance in the name of “denial”.
Even though we would like to learn, to grow and to heal, most often we end up feeling powerless, unable to break the patterns which repeatedly lead us to dissatisfaction and pain.  The more we try to run away from our pain, the faster our pain seems to catch up to us.

Pain Is A Warning Signal

Healing asks us to address our pain rather than avoid it.  Pain is a warning signal.–– A call for our attention.  We need to give our pain our attention.  As we explore what there is to learn from our situation and our interactions and as we investigate our thoughts and our feelings, we can begin to see the pain as a part of a dysfunctional pattern that has been repeating itself throughout our lives. Read the rest of this entry